Worry About Sperm Count? We Do!

alfred_e_neuman We worry a lot. We worry about Mars coming to close to Earth. We worry about shrinking our Ed Hardy shirt in the dryer (WTH). We worry about the Thule roof rack flying off our vehicle. Beef curry? – yeah, we worry. The increasing instability of Twitter? – yup, we worry about that as well. It’s not like we’re emo or something … we just have ulcers.
We worry that maybe we have anxiety. Argh!

But perhaps our biggest worry in life … to the point where we sometimes shake uncontrollably … is sperm. Specifically … we worry about our sperm count. Hey! Don’t laugh … we’re serious … not to mention a male’s sperm count is serious stuff as well. How do we know if we have enough baby batter? It’s not like you can just stick a thermometer in your mouth to get a numerical semen reading. It’s like one of those mysteries of life … How Does Man Know His Sperm Count?

Good news to all of us worrying about daddy’s little squirt … once again the iPhone answers another mystery of life with the iCount (Sperm) app … oops, sorry – sperm is a dirty word, make that … iCount (S***m)

iCount-Sperm-Title-FINAL

Wow – just look at these phenomenal iCount (Sperm) features … (sorry, hope it’s cool we use the dirty version of s***m):

>> Approximates maximum potential sperm count
>> Uses complex algorithms involving BEDMAS (bedmas – uh – WTH is that?)
>> Track your “releases” (releases – uh – WTH is that?)
>> Average sperm count at release
>> Estimated time and date of next release
>> Number of release per week

iCount-Sperm-1   iCount Sperm 2

iCount Sperm 3   iCount Sperm 4

Whoa nilly … fantastic … and you can even email the developer your personal stats at icountapp@gmail.com – rumor has it that the developer will be updating iCount (Sperm) with a global leader board – brilliant!

So this is all good. Life got just a bit easier here at KRAPPS … we have one less thing to worry about now thanks to the iCount (Sperm) app. Thank you Apple!

Memo To Developers:
Apparently Apple has deemed any word beginning with the letter “i” as sacred. Case in point … iCount (S***m) – where sperm is a dirty word and thus censored …. yet iSperm is perfectly acceptable since it carries the sacred “i” prefix. Hmmm … iIntercourse, iVagina, iPiss … you can have all sorts of sacred fun understanding the Gospel of Apple.

iSperm

August 21, 2009 | Filed Under Health | 8 Comments 

iBra Fails Miserably In Training Bra Removing Ninjas

Last week we reviewed a very cool “meet the opposite sex” app called SEX-A-MA-PHONE. It basically functions as a witty icebreaker assisting you in meeting guys or girls.
SEX-A-MA-PHONE should work (if it worked for that ab pointing douchebag pictured below, it’ll certainly work for you) with the initial introduction, but the rest of the hook-up is totally in your hands.

hot-chick-with-douchebag So SEX-A-MA-PHONE is successful and you meet this hot chick. The two of you hit it off … constantly talking and text messaging on the phone … going out on dates … celebrating your one week anniversary … blah, blah, blah. Things are going great. But then the relationship is ready for the next level … you know … a bit of that Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get It On” … some of that R. Kelly – “Bump ‘N Grind” … and top if off with that Bel Biv Devoe – “Do Me Baby”. Ayyy – you’re about to throw up just at the thought of this “Let’s Get Physical” stuff. You’re a blubbering rookie with no experience getting past first base … you can see second off their in the distance, but have never managed to actually reach it. Always getting shot down. Always making a fool of yourself. What is this “second base” we speak of? Boobies … and specifically its dreaded gatekeeper … DA BRA!

Hey it’s cool … da bra is a bitch and takes a lot of dedication and practice to remove it (now it wouldn’t be a gatekeeper if every Tom, Dick and Harry could easily get by). There are tricks of the trade that must be mastered … the flick, the snap, the over-under, etc. Once you are comfortable performing these maneuvers, you can proceed directly to the Promised Land … Second Base.

But how does one become a bra removing ninja master? Oh you know where this is going (unless you are a rookie at KRAPPS too) … there’s an app for that … iBra.

iBra-Title

iBra-1

You betcha … become a committed player – practice morning, noon and night … submit your high score … beat da bra and never be without boobies again. NOT!

iBra is either the stupidest joke in the history of the App Store … suffering from a severe infection of bugs … or developer Sebastian Keller was on crack when developing iBra (or was Apple cracked for approving it). We spent over 10 minutes performing every ninja bra removal technique known to mankind (we Googled it) … all to no avail. We flipped it, pinched it, snapped it, stuffed it, rubbed it, smacked it, bit it, shaked it, licked it … heck, we even flipped it upside down and read it a story. Nothing – nada – zilch. Sure bra straps can be tricky … not iBra … it simply sucks! But iBra does accomplish one thing – leaving the user with a strong desire to kick Sebastian Keller square in the nuts.

iBra-2-FAIL

August 20, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 5 Comments 

2,000 Apps Later, BrightHouse Labs Still Sucks

<roll theme song from COPS>
“Bad boys, bad boys, watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you”

Apple-Tackle-Streaker-FINAL Did you hear about the App Store’s episode of COPS? In an undercover operation, Apple raided and revoked the developer’s license of Khalid Shaikh, founder of Perfect Acumen. Khalid was pretty much running a sweat shop for app development … requiring his 26 employees (primarily based in Pakistan) to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. A 72 hour work week? – you MOFO Khalid! Perfect Acumen’s results were impressive – they published 943 apps in about 8 months. Obviously when you churn and burn at this rate, the net output is complete garbage …
943 KRAPPS most priced at a bargain rate of $4.99. Anyways, Apple basically got sick of Khalid’s bullshit and yanked him from their program. For more details about this episode of COPS … check out MobileCrunch’s solid article.

Inspired by the “Khalid Take Down” story, we decided to check up on our “favorite” developer BrightHouse Labs (aka Arctic Gerbil). In our last article on May 7, BrightHouse Labs published approximately 689 apps (we use the term “apps” loosely) … 195 SupaFan apps, 148 Quote apps, 82 SlidePuzzle apps, etc … indeed great work by BrightHouse, bravo!

Well about 3 months later, it’s obvious, BrightHouse Labs is still hard at work spamming the App Store … errr … publishing apps. There are now 169 pages of BrightHouse Lab produced apps … at 12 apps per page, this equates to well over 2,000 apps. If Khalid demands a 72 hour work week, we can’t even imagine the hours these poor Arctic Gerbils must succumb too. Let’s see … about 13 weeks later … net increase of 1,339 apps … that’s 103 apps per week … or about 15 apps per day from May 7 to August 19. Huh?!?

BrightHouse-Labs-169-pages-FINAL 

Now props to Apple for busting on Khalid! But uh, come on … maybe you got the wrong guy? Or maybe Apple needs to add BrightHouse Labs to their “Most Wanted” list. Not really sure what’s going on at One Infinite Loop since just a couple of weeks ago the 514th SupaFan app (Demi Moore Fans) was approved. Come on … TWO FREAKING THOUSAND apps … you suck!

arctic_gerbil_logo_NO Best part of this whole BrightHouse Labs thing is that not only are they a joke here at KRAPPS, but also among their peers. Chris Noel of BrightHouse Labs contacted Satosoft’s CEO, Graham French, inquiring if Satosoft was interested in either selling them the iAboutClock application or some of its source code for BrightHouse’s own development use. BrightHouse must have looked into the functionality of iAboutClock and came up with a scheme to create dozens of similar apps. The following is Graham’s email response to the BrightHouse request  (LOL – pretty tame dude – but way to keep calm and not rip BrightHouse a new one). For more details about this bizarre incident, check out Satosoft’s article – Satosoft Says ‘No’ To BrightHouse Labs.

Chris,

Thanks for your interest. I’m unable to take this conversation any further, for two specific reasons;

  1. You mention below that you are looking to provide a small payment for this. As mentioned in my previous email, I’ve never considered doing this, especially for what would be a sum of money so small, that it would be insulting.
  2. Secondly, yet more importantly, we’ve done some research on your company, having never heard of you before. To be brutally honest, satosoft.com would never be associated with the type of company you are. The damage to our high value brand would be too great. Your company’s method of producing multiple, almost identical apps, flooding the iTunes App Store with what we consider to be questionable quality, is far, far below the ethical standards that we live by.

I wish you the best of luck in your ventures.

Regards

Graham

August 19, 2009 | Filed Under News | 15 Comments 

Stare At Sweaty Bouncy Boobs With Gym Babes

Ok, let’s just cut to the chase. Two hot chicks … sweaty, salty, bouncy breasts. And that’s pretty much all you need to know about the Gym Babes app. Enough said … skip to the bouncing boobies video at the end of this article.

GymBabes_Splash

Now if you insist on taking a closer look, we got you covered. Let’s start by meeting the stars of Gym Babes, Emilia and Skaiste (no idea how to pronounce her name … but really, are names even important in this app?). Emilia works for an ad agency and can be described as “happy-go-lucky”. She likes to make people smile and thus is willing to share her running magic with you. Now Skaiste, on the other hand, seems to be a bitch. She is too serious, rarely smiles and is a lawyer (ah, that explains it). But she’s a bitch by reason … men are always checking this sweet thing out. So she probably uses her bitchyness as a shield for protection … very enigmatic and intriguing.

Emilia_FINAL Skaiste_FINAL

Now imagine if you were one of those hi-tech peeping toms who setup video cameras in women’s locker rooms, dressing rooms, showers, etc. Gym Babes has sort of that voyeur feel to it. However instead of a women’s dressing room, your camera is mounted on a treadmill inside the local gym … providing you extreme boobie close-ups of seemingly unsuspecting female gym members. Both Emilia and Skaiste have three videos each … running, walking and slow motion running. Each video provides ample titillating pleasure.

GymBabes_2   GymBabes_1

Similar to the sexed-up Knicker Picker app we recently reviewed … Gym Babes will enable guys of all ages to waste hours of their lives getting their quasi sexual jollies. And like the developer, Vertex, writes … “Life is beautiful when you can enjoy this”. LOL – actually the entire Gym Babes description is pretty comedic in it of itself …

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Bad day? – Gym Babes will help cheer you up! Two gorgeous girls working out, can this get better? – Uh, apparently not … just look at these actual user reviews …

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However Gym Babes is not without its faults, which hopefully the pervs … errr … the developers at Vertex will rectify in a future update: no rear view shots for the Ass Man and no hot chicks working out in lingerie (hey, don’t all hot chicks work out in lingerie?).

As you can see by the video below … Gym Babes is a total loser … errr … winner! And we can totally see why Apple would reject that piece of shit app Google Voice in favor of Gym Babes. Hey, can this get any better? … guess the U.S. Government will decide.

 

August 18, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 9 Comments 

Attention Stupid People! Buy This App!

you suck blow me Do you suck? Yeah, we know … it’s sucks to suck … we suck too. You know what we suck at? Tic-Tac-Toe. Yup, that good old pencil-and-paper game … Tic-Tac-Toe. Hey man, don’t laugh … it’s a hard game! Those freaking X’ and O’s get us all confused. Not to mention that damn 3×3 grid … that sucker is a bitch with its nine squares and all. ARGH! Very frustrating … and extremely challenging. We’d rather perform brain surgery or design rockets than take on Tic-Tac-Toe. And honestly, we were just about ready to give up on the game, until a new iPhone app came along and saved our Tic-Tac-Toe career …
Tic Tac Toe Trainer.

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Tic Tac Toe Trainer 4  TicTacToeTrainer 2  TicTacToeTrainer 3

Now that’s what we’re talking about! With Tic Tac Toe Trainer, you will receive the product of:

4 Years Of Research

2 Years Of Programming

600+ Man Hours Of Research & Programming Combined

Told you it was a complicated game! See why performing brain surgery is a viable option to playing Tic-Tac-Toe? Just look at those man hour claims! And surely Tic Tac Toe Trainer developer, Germ Token, would not be bullshitting us. Nah, no way … not with their other apps like Word Of God and Bible Verse Lookup. Isn’t there some Bible verse about not lying … Revelation 21:8, “… and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone” … OUCH!

lake_of_fire

August 17, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 5 Comments 

Recap: Week Of August 10

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

August 10: Redneck Roundup – Apps For The Less Intelligent

August 11: SEX-A-MA-PHONE – Change You Life With The 99 Cent Cojones Machine

August 12: Dancing Pancakes – Further Proof The App Store Is On Drugs

August 13: Better Than A Stack Of Pancakes – BOOB STACK (aka EA Sucks!)

August 14: Just Say No To Farts With The iDontFart App

August 15: Knicker Picker Turns Your iPhone Into A Sexy Lingerie Show

August 16: Thank You KRAPPS Sponsors

August 16, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

Knicker Picker Turns Your iPhone Into A Sexy Lingerie Show

TpLogo Knicker Picker … arguably the greatest site on the entire Internet ever! Seemingly a typical lingerie e-commerce site, the real “value” of Knicker Picker is within their Virtual Dressing Room. Users select a girl … dress her up in various styles of bras and panties … and then sit back and watch an interactive lingerie modeling show.

 

Now supposedly KnickerPicker assists the ladies with their lingerie purchasing decision … but we all know the real reason Knicker Picker’s conversion ratios are lagging … guys of all ages, wasting hours of their lives getting their quasi sexual jollies.

Well good news dudes … wasting away your life became even more convenient with the new Knicker Picker iPhone app. Now you’ll be able to enjoy those steamy lingerie shows from the comfort and privacy of your iPhone. In class, at work, on the subway … anywhere you take your iPhone.

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Mmmm “turn around” baby … “come closer” … grrrr. Yeah, the “walk away” command is our fave … nothing like a parting shot of a thong-clad lingerie model. This is so much better than those Victoria Secret catalogs … speaking of, wake up Victoria Secret – we’re keeping our fingers crossed for VSVDR: Victoria Secret Virtual Dressing Room app … yeah baby!

Now although current Knicker Picker models “A” (32DD, dress size 4), “J” (32C, dress size 4/6) and “P” (32A, dress size 2) have the ability to float our boat, we look forward to additional models (assuming the rest of the alphabet – B, C, D, E, etc.) the developers have promised. Bet you never knew the alphabet could be such a turn on! LOL.

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But here is the real value and beauty of this app … if your wife or significant other ever walks in on you during one of your perverted Knicker Picker viewing sessions, you have the ultimate air-tight alibi … “Gee honey, you ruined the surprise – I was buying you a gift.”

August 15, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 7 Comments 

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