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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
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Official Three Wolf Moon App Brings Its Awesome Powers To The iPhone
Never mind December 25, Christmas has arrived early! Specifically, December 17, as Santa delivered the official Three Wolf Moon iPhone app. Known as the Three Wolf Moon HowlTone Generator [iTunes], this is the be all and end all of iPhone applications. We’re talking some serious shit here! This is not an app you just download to your iPhone … NO … you place it in your soul! We almost spilled our gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk when we heard the awesome news and admittedly … we peed our pants in excitement.
No clue what we’re talking about? No wonder your life sucks. But that’s ok, we’re here to help and share with you the Three Wolf Moon phenomenon. Simply put … Three Wolf Moon is the best t-shirt ever. Actually, it’s not really a t-shirt, but a lifestyle. Wear Three Wolf Moon and you’ll possess great powers … women will find you irresistible, other men will fear you and you’ll enjoy magical healing powers. No joke … shun the non-believer. The Three Wolf Moon t-shirt is the top selling apparel item in Amazon.com … has been covered by ABC, BBC, NYT and other popular acronyms … worn by Steve Jobs … and appeared in NBC’s hit show, The Office – check out this awesome clip:
So for a mere $1.99, in addition to the life-changing powers and the totally cool Three Wolf Moon icon …. you’ll be able to generate your very own custom HowlTone ringtone by simply typing your name or any word into the generator. Or if you want to be like Dwight from The Office, you can record your own howl.
And staying consistent with the Three Wolf Moon mystique, these are not just any old wolf howls … these are authentic wolf howls from EverythingWolf, And these wolves have name … Wa-Ta-Chee, Ohoyo and Waya. How freaking insane is that!
We spoke with Michael McGloin, Creative/Licensing Director of The Mountain, the company that produces the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, regarding what inspired him to launch the accompanying app, ““I love my iPhone just as much as my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, which my wife won’t let me wear in public for the obvious reasons. By having the HowlTone Generator on my iPhone, I can enjoy the Three Wolf Moon powers in my pocket, where that type of power belongs (if your married),” explained Mr. McGloin. “Plus we value our customers. And ever since the first Amazon review indicated ‘wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark’, we wanted to deliver a 3WM Glow Shirt,” said Mr. McGloin.
Whoa … hold on … did Michael just say “glow-in-the-dark”?!? Shit, we just peed ourselves again. The new 3WM Glow Shirt will only be available for purchase from within the app and as an early adopter award, you’ll receive a 25% discount if you order by Feb. 28, 2010.
WOW! Howling custom ringtones – wolves named Wa-ta-chee, Ohoyo and Waya – a limited glow shirt – 25% discount. We are now completely soiled and can’t take it any more. At $1.99 [iTunes], just get the app … we’re going to go shower and change our pants.
iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert
Back in July we ran an article called “For The Ladies – The ‘Stop Talking To My Breasts’ App” which featured the Man Trainer. The concept is simple … strap the iPhone to your guy’s head and every time he looks at your boobs, using accelerometer technology, Man Trainer emits a piercing warning scream.
[Editor’s note – yes, we are serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
Unfortunately, the Man Trainer article was not well received by our male viewers. Many accused us of tipping off their female counterparts and are now forced to wear the iPhone strap to their heads. Hmmm … we can see your point … guess that would suck. But relax perverts fellas, we have good news … some revenge … it’s called the iLust app.
So basically iLust trains the user to get away with checking out a girl’s rack – without looking like a pervert. It’s kind of like a flight simulator, but instead of controlling an airplane and landing it on a runway, you guide a virtual character’s eyes and land it on a hot chick’s breasts.
iLust is a low-brow game … naaaah! It’s a perfect way to build your mad pervert skills … because iLust doesn’t just simulate any old amateur scene where a 7-year-old can get away with scoping breasticles (like at a Hooters). Nope … in iLust, you’re at a party, seated between a smokin’ babe and her steroid-taking boyfriend. Talk about a pressure situation for poor ol’ perv!
This is you interest – how big is your lust for the bust? … yeah, how big is it? But being as her boyfriend has some large guns and a tattoo, you’ve got to ask yourself one question … do I feel lucky? … well, do you, punk?
[Editor’s note – yes, we being serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps
With the popularity of the iPhone growing exponentially, there are numerous thousands of developers attempting to cash in on App Store gold. So being the do-gooders we are … we present a few examples of how NOT to sell your app.
Be A Douchebag (My Ex-Girlfriends app)
Ah yes … Damon has a special talent … the ability to get hot chicks to undress for him while he takes their picture. Damon, you are our hero – the wind beneath our wings. However just as an fyi … it doesn’t count when you have to pay the girl to undress.
Be A Pothead (Zits & Giggles app)
Working on your app while stoned leads to poor decisions. Like increasing the price of your app from 99 cents to sixteen dollars … to one hundred and eighty dollars … to two hundred and thirty dollars. Not really sure why the developers stopped at two thirty … perhaps they ran out of weed due to lagging app sales. Make wise choices – just say no.
Be A Hater (The Sushi Experience app)
Look … if you’re an Android-loving, Apple-hating, mofo … just stay the hell away from the App Store. There’s no reason to be the most expensive book in the App Store … especially when your Amazon hardcover price is $26.40 and Kindle at $23.76. Yeah, let’s just stick it to that evil iPhone and its Cult of Mac a-holes and charge $70. Oh shit, it comes with a lap dance … our bad, a fair deal … carry on.
Be Blunt (+MyBattery app)
Of course the sure fire way to kill sales is to stop beating around the bush and cut straight to the chase … Please Wait And Purchase Later … will do, enough said.
iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read
The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.
The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.
Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.
But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:
Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:
Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.
From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:
Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”
Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope, it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.
Surviving A Midlife Crisis And A Bolivian Cult, iSlinky Springs Into The App Store
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
For Fun It’s A Wonderful Toy.
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
It’s Fun For A Girl Or A Boy.
Launched in November 1945 at Gimbels department store in Philadelphia, the Slinky is a kickass toy. However, Slinky inventor, naval engineer Richard James, is not so kickass. In 1960, suffering from a midlife crisis, Richard decided to bail his wife, Betty, their six children and joined a Bolivian religious cult. Bastard Richard also left the Slinky toy company (James Industries) in total debt and ruin … WTF dude! Luckily Betty was kickass herself and not only saved the company, but expanded it to the tune of 300+ million Slinkys sold to date … although arguably, Betty’s greatest achievement was her Slinky Dog forever immortalized in Disney’s Toy Story movies (can’t wait for June 18, 2010 = Toy Story 3).
So what’s the deal with this helical spring toy and it’s crazy popularity? We searched high and low for the answer and found it in a t-shirt saying – “Some people are like Slinkys, they’re really good for nothing … but they bring a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
And did you know the Slinky is the official toy of Apple? Sure, why not … go with it. Slinky + Escalator = Infinite Loop … ha! So it should come as no surprise, that this loveable, yet useless tradition is now available as the ultimate iPhone time waster … iSlinky.
This virtual Slinky stuff totally makes sense. First it doesn’t tangle, so it won’t end up in the trash as a waste of money. Second … iSlinky is even perfect for those folks who live in one story homes. Plus if the iPhone can be home to such old-school classics as Pac Man, Asteroids, Galaga, Monopoly or Life … why not retro toys like the Slinky (or Silly Putty, Etch A Sketch, Mr. Potato Head, Pop Rocks, etc.)?
Regrettably, Betty died in November 2008 (husband Richard passed away in 1974) … about one year shy of witnessing her magical spring toy go Objective-C on the iPhone. As noted, Betty was a badass business woman … saving the Slinky as her husband deserted her for some Bolivian nut-jobs. It was her business savvy and creativity that successfully expanded the Slinky line to include Slinky Jr., Neon Slinky, Crazy Slinky Eyes and more … so hopefully this marketing savant has time to give iSlinky two thumbs up when she’s not too busy using Richard as a Slinky … down the Stairway to Heaven.
Recap: Week Of December 7 – plus doggie butthole covers?
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
December 7: This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode
December 8: Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
December 9: Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
December 10: Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!
December 11: Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone
December 12: Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming
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Our apologies! This next piece has nothing to do with the iPhone, rather it’s one of the most bizarre and disturbing items we’ve ever seen. Seriously, you need your head examined (and punched) if you purchase and use one of these things. It’s called “Rear Gear” … tagline is “No More Mr. Brown Eye” … all we can say is “WTF – they are SOLD OUT?” …
Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I’ve got them covered… Rear Gear is handmade in Portland, OR and offers a cheerful solution to be-rid your favorite pet’s un-manicured back side.
Rear Gear comes in many designs including a disco ball, air freshener, heart, flower, biohazard, smiley face, number one ribbon, cupcake, sheriff’s badge, dice, and you can even make yours custom, so there’s a Rear Gear for everyone.
Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming
(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)
When Mr. KRAPPS approached me to review another Mr. Dumb game, my immediate reaction was “sweet – another kickass Beavis and Butthead homage! ” In the last Mr. Dumb game I reviewed (Mr. Dumb: Toilet), your main goal was to keep urinals from overflowing and spilling all sorts of nastiness on the bathroom floor. This episode of Mr. Dumb … iChowdown [iTunes $0.99] … is a bit more involved as your objective is to feed Mr. Dumb … manually!
You first start by creating and preparing Mr. Dumb’s meal. After a few seconds of this prep work, you begin the eating process … open Mr. Dumb’s mouth WIDE open and shove the tasty grind right into is pie hole.
So what’s next, you ask? Well, the answer is simple… dude can’t swallow the shit whole … you gotto chew, chew, chew. To make Mr. Dumb chew, you drag his chin up and down. Over and over again. Seriously, you are MANUALLY feeding this guy. I meant it when I said it.
Now be careful … some spicy foods will produce little fireballs halfway through the chewing process. When that happens, don’t panic … just chill by tapping the flare-ups a few times to extinguish them.
Naturally, swallowing the food is next. You have to quickly drag your finger through different parts of the digestive system (think guts) to successfully swallow the masticated foodstuffs.
Mr. Dumb then takes a swig of cola. The cola generates carbonation bubbles in his throat which must be popped in a specific order since they are numbered. Actually this bit doesn’t make much sense to me … and I’m no Mr. Dumb … LOL.
After the cola swigging bubble popping segment … repeat and eat more tasty grind.
This game is a ton of fun. It might sound a bit repetitive, I know, but it’s kept me entertained for a gynormous amount of time.
Oh wait … he pukes. I mentioned the barfing, right? No? Hmmm … there is PUKING! Thing is, if you try and shove too much food down his throat, Mr. Dumb will throw it right back up in a green, gooey paste. Now maybe it’s just me, but at this point I could’ve sworn I smelled vomit spewing from my iDevice. Anyways … if you do get all out of control and make Mr. Dumb yak, you will forgo the points for that spewed food. Bummer.
But wait … there is hope if you make Mr. Dumb blow chunks. You can prevent this by pushing the food back in his mouth. The ralphing starts happening in slow motion (doesn’t it always?), with the food sprouting up out of his mouth. If you push it all back to the center, you should be fine, but this is more challenging than it sounds. Just like in real life, once you start puking, it’s tough to make yourself stop. At this point, he may pass out … to save him, you must start slapping the crap out of him. This is probably my favorite part of the game … it’s very satisfying and zen-like. WHACK! – WHACK! – WHACK!
I know KRAPPS normally focuses on the weird, offbeat apps — which this is, without a doubt, but iChowdown is perfect iPhone madness. It’s very well made, extremely polished, includes top-notch graphics and is one heckuv an entertaining game that will keep you coming back for more. I like to think of Mr. Dumb iChowdown as a Kuality KRAPP and a steal at only 99 cents.
There is one more episode of the Mr. Dumb triology … Mr. Dumb Go Down … which I hope Mr. KRAPPS plays it smart and hits me up for a review … if not, WHACK! (stay tuned)
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