Best Fukkin App Name Ever! (volume 2)

Save it! We know what you’re thinking – “You suck KRAPPS! How can there be another best app name when you already declared the best app name EVER?!?”. Whatever Mr. Details … this is our fukkin site and we can do whatever we want. If you’re seeking attention to  details, go fukkin visit CNN. Better yet … go pay $1.99, download the new CNN app and tell us how you feel about paying to watch ads (aren’t ad supported apps supposed to be fukkin free? … regardless, still a great app).

As we were saying … KRAPPS is declaring yet another Best App Name Ever (because we can)! We fukkin love this …

i-fukkin-title

LOL … see what we did there? And you thought we were randomly dropping F-Bombs. Nope, it was serving a clever purpose … either that or you’re right, we do suck.

So let’s take a closer look at i-Fukkin (LOL, sorry – it’s still funny) … sans name, it’s pretty hysterical as a standalone. Please note in i-Fukkin’s description below … “Fukkin” means “Abdominal Muscle” in Japanese.

i-fukkin-description

Oh that sexy cheer girl is so motivating. We can pretty much guarantee that i-Fukkin is the quickest way to an attractive six-pack. Why would you ever want to stop doing sit-ups when sexy Japanese cheer girl is dishing out encouraging commentary? And the best part … at the end of your workout (if you decide to actually stop), you get the fukkin awesome “Double Peace Sign Winky” gesture. That alone is worth the $0.99 you plunk down for i-Fukkin!

i-fukkin 1

i-fukkin 2

i-fukkin-YouTube-FINAL

And finally, we’ll leave you with an i-Fukkin demonstration video from developer i-Labo. This presentation should clearly punctuate just how ridiculous … errr … cool you’ll look at the gym, doing sit-ups while holding your iPhone and drooling over cheer girl. Oh, and i-fukkin really want one of those wicked i-Fukkin t-shirts!

 

Need A Lumbar Puncture? Don’t Worry, There’s An App For That!

Last week, Gizmodo ran a hysterical iPhone-related Cyanide and Happiness cartoon. Pictured is a dude with massive bleeding from the chest … a bear tore out his ribcage. But no worries … an iPhone owner comes across the gory scene, launches his iPhone, heals ribcage dude and flies off into the skies.

iPhone-Hero

Indeed there is an app for everything … making us iPhone owners 100% bad asses. We’ve already discussed some of the <for lack of a better term> “unique” things you can do with your iPhone …

>> Spy on your kids
>> Count your sperm
>> Win when the stock market crashes
>> Write your own obituary

And now you can add another to this ever growing list, a Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap).

Lumbar-Picture-Title-FINAL

Lumbar Puncture Screen 1   Lumbar Puncture Screen 3

Now granted, the Lumbar Puncture app doesn’t perform an actual spinal tap <duh>, but given its multimedia step-by-step instructional guide, you’ll become a skilled surgeon in no time. What? A disclaimer? …

Lumbar-Puncture-Warning

LOL … oh yeah, that’ll work. You know damn well there will be some jackass who will use the Lumbar Puncture app to perform an actual spinal tap … on a friend … in their garage … broadcasting live on Justin.tv.

Ha! Screw med school … get an iPhone!

Worry About Sperm Count? We Do!

alfred_e_neuman We worry a lot. We worry about Mars coming to close to Earth. We worry about shrinking our Ed Hardy shirt in the dryer (WTH). We worry about the Thule roof rack flying off our vehicle. Beef curry? – yeah, we worry. The increasing instability of Twitter? – yup, we worry about that as well. It’s not like we’re emo or something … we just have ulcers.
We worry that maybe we have anxiety. Argh!

But perhaps our biggest worry in life … to the point where we sometimes shake uncontrollably … is sperm. Specifically … we worry about our sperm count. Hey! Don’t laugh … we’re serious … not to mention a male’s sperm count is serious stuff as well. How do we know if we have enough baby batter? It’s not like you can just stick a thermometer in your mouth to get a numerical semen reading. It’s like one of those mysteries of life … How Does Man Know His Sperm Count?

Good news to all of us worrying about daddy’s little squirt … once again the iPhone answers another mystery of life with the iCount (Sperm) app … oops, sorry – sperm is a dirty word, make that … iCount (S***m)

iCount-Sperm-Title-FINAL

Wow – just look at these phenomenal iCount (Sperm) features … (sorry, hope it’s cool we use the dirty version of s***m):

>> Approximates maximum potential sperm count
>> Uses complex algorithms involving BEDMAS (bedmas – uh – WTH is that?)
>> Track your “releases” (releases – uh – WTH is that?)
>> Average sperm count at release
>> Estimated time and date of next release
>> Number of release per week

iCount-Sperm-1   iCount Sperm 2

iCount Sperm 3   iCount Sperm 4

Whoa nilly … fantastic … and you can even email the developer your personal stats at icountapp@gmail.com – rumor has it that the developer will be updating iCount (Sperm) with a global leader board – brilliant!

So this is all good. Life got just a bit easier here at KRAPPS … we have one less thing to worry about now thanks to the iCount (Sperm) app. Thank you Apple!

Memo To Developers:
Apparently Apple has deemed any word beginning with the letter “i” as sacred. Case in point … iCount (S***m) – where sperm is a dirty word and thus censored …. yet iSperm is perfectly acceptable since it carries the sacred “i” prefix. Hmmm … iIntercourse, iVagina, iPiss … you can have all sorts of sacred fun understanding the Gospel of Apple.

iSperm

Potheads Rejoice Over New iPhone App Icon

spicoli Potheads everywhere are jumping for joy. With the new Psychoactive Drugs app, your iPhone can now proudly display your constant state of mind. Gotta represent bro!

Dude, do it … Download it for the icon … Dude, that would be so killer … [talking on the phone, bangs head with iPhone] … Dude, that was my skull! I’m so wasted!

 

DrinkTracker Helps You Drink Responsibly

abs3 Ready? Here we go … Drinking and driving sucks! If you drink and drive, you are an idiot … putting your and other lives in serious danger. Hey, nothing against parting hard, getting hammered and waking up in a gutter with a new tattoo on your ass … just stay away from driving a car.

Easier said than done … agreed! Heck, even a casual post workday Happy Hour can put you at risk. We could all use a little handholding when it comes to drinking responsibly … and that’s when the DrinkTracker app [iTunes] becomes your friend who’s got your back.

DrinkTracker_Logo DrinkTracker by SlappMeDot.com (no it’s not a porno spanking site!) had us at “Hello” … an absolutely stunning, user-friendly and high quality iPhone breathalyzer app. At first sight, it’s obvious that SlappMe put a lot of time and effort into producing DrinkTracker … it simply rocks!

Based on your personal profile (user inputs their gender, age, height and weight), DrinkTracker will automatically compare your alcohol intake and your metabolic removal rate and calculate your blood alcohol content (BAC) EVERY 60 SECONDS! Told you it rocks … every 60 seconds you will be updated with your current BAC level and given a timeframe for how long you need to wait until your next drink to remain at your BAC target. In the US, it’s illegal to drive if your BAC is .08 or higher – so be sure to set the BAC Target well below 0.8 (no dumbass, .0799 won’t cut it).

DrinkTracker1   DrinkTracker2

DrinkTracker3   DrinkTracker4

Here are some additional DrinkTracker features that will assist you in drinking responsibly so you can actually manage to drive home and arrive in one piece:

> Continues to calculate your BAC even when app is closed
> If closed, app re-opens into your current session
> Auto updates … no need to manually refresh
> Supports custom drinks (good for foo-foo umbrella drink fans)
> Supports multiple personal profiles
> Supports US, Metric and Imperial measurements

And great news … SlappMe is already working on the next update which will include multiple concurrent user sessions. Two people can use DrinkTracker app at the same time and it will track BAC’s separately. A totally cool feature we love because two responsible heads are better than one.

To fully appreciate the features and benefits of DrinkTracker, watch the demo video below. It’s a touch over 5 minutes, but well worth your time considering one day DrinkTracker may save your life or at the very least, keep you out of jail.

 

Anti-Krapps-Seal-v2GIF Although DrinkTracker is a BAC estimator, it’s a heck of a lot more accurate than playing that risky “did I drink too much to drive” guessing game. At only $1.99, DrinkTracker should be considered an imperative member of your app collection and obviously 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified … with the 4th Of July Holiday right around the corner, do yourself a favor, purchase DrinkTracker now [iTunes] and enjoy the pleasures of drinking responsibly (Stone Brewing Imperial Russian Stout … love it).

iPhone Apps For Your Private Parts

Ok … we had a enough. We looked the other way long enough … today something needs to be said …

If You Use Your iPhone As A Sex Toy – You’re An IDIOT!

iVibrateMeDesc

Seriously, freaking control yourself – what are you, an animal? You use the damn thing to make phone calls, text messages, email, Twitter, listen to music, check sports scores and millions of other iPhone uses … do you really think you your poor iPhone wants to be hanging out in your freaking crotch? HELL NO (how do we know? – the iPhone told us – we’re like that Dog Whisperer dude for iPhones) … show the thing some respect – this is an iPhone people – keep it above the belt.

And STEVE?!?! … what is this you dirty dog … iVibrateMe – “great for your special private areas” … “satisfy your needs” … “relieve pent-up stress”. So Apple, you mean to tell us this kind of app description is ok for all viewing audiences yet Cock-A-Doodle-Do and Fartknocker get zapped by your profanity filter? WTH is this?

Fartknocker  CockADoodleDo

Now look, nothing against these types of pleasure aids … but here’s some sound advice … next time you plan to visit the Apple Store for your sex toy needs, mix in a little www.MyPleasure.com – (there’s a good idea … “excuse me Mr. Apple Store Employee – can you recommend the best vibrator sex toy application?” … LOL).

Which brings us to our next app … the MyVibe app. Yeah, it’s the same “great for your special areas” functionality, but we just love the “suggested use situations” …

MyVibeDesc

“at your desk” … “in your car stuck in traffic” … “at the movies” … LOL – yeah, thank goodness Apple stopped those horrible innuendos of Fartknocker and Cock-A-Doodle-Do!

But this all leaves us confused … because it’s a well known fact that Apple rejects applications that link directly to objectionable material from within the app. So why on Earth is it ok to link the MyPleasure.com logo from within the MyVibe app directly to a Sex Toys and Adult Toy Store? And why is MyVibe, with its direct Adult Toy Store link, ok for 4 year olds? Do you really want to explain Sex Toys to your 4 year old … if your answer is yes … you’re an IDIOT! (and so is Apple).

MyVibe4  MyVibeScreenshot

MyPleasureWeb

“Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

Confession … we have this fascination for menstrual calendar iPhone apps. Not so much the functionality of the application (tracking one’s cycle), but the naming of these things. We feel sorry for the poor bastard in charge of throwing down a creative menstrual calendar title … iFlow, AuntFlo, Ladies’ Day, Mensies and other brilliant naming conventions. So back in January, as a tribute to this sucky job, we wrote an article saluting Mr. Menstrual Calendar IntercoursePAfinal App Title Creator.

So our fascination continues and we always pay special attention to menstruation tracking apps … like the new Pregnancy Alarm app. While the title is a bore, Pregnancy Alarm contains some very controversial material within its description. The developers pushed the descriptive language too much and were slammed by Apple’s profanity filter. The offensive word? … (brace yourselves) … INTERCOURSE! Yes … INTERCOURSE … that nasty and vile word, commonly found in 7th grade health education text books introducing reproduction. But not in the App Store … there will be none of that sick and disgusting language. It’s better to have an endless stream of scantily clad girly images than this horrible horrible word … INTERCOURSE … blech!

PregnancyAlarmFinal11

As usual, we applaud Apple for such sound judgment and its attempts to protect customers from filth and smut. We can always count on Apple for saving our souls and leading us to the path of redemption – Hallelujah Apple! Remember folks, INTERCOURSE is repulsive.

And of course … being the “givers” we are at KRAPPS … we prepared a memo which iPhone application development companies can use to notify and warn their employees of this newly discovered policy from Apple …

INTERNAL MEMO – CONFIDENTIAL

Date:     (insert date here)
Subject: “Intercourse” Is A Bad Word

 

Attention (insert company name here) Employees!

 

While we are not in the business of creating menstruation tracking applications, KRAPPS.com pointed out a very interesting item. Intercourse is a BAD WORD and cannot be placed in the description of your application at all. Intercourse will show up as –> I********e.

 

So for all of our future apps, make sure we do not include the word "Intercourse". Other possibilities that might not be recommended for use include: "Contraceptive", "Conceive", "Inception", "Insert", "Tab A Slot B", any combination of the words "Fuzzy", "Taco", or "Beaver".

 

That being said, keep up the great work in describing our applications without using profanity or pornographic references. Thank you for your attention in this matter.

 

Regards,
(insert your name here)

« Previous PageNext Page »