Similar to our retro games iPhone iOS 4 wallpaper collection, we are accumulating quite a few “magical” applications. The reason we label these apps “magical” is because when we launch them, they do “magical” things to us … our boobs get bigger, hair grows faster, warts fall off our bodies, we lose weight, our penis gets erect and we quit smoking … seriously, no kidding – all these things happen to us because there’s a “magical” app for that!

Now in case you didn’t notice, the fifth “magical” effect was … our penis gets erect. Which is all fine and dandy, but who the hell wants to walk around with an erect penis all day … it ain’t all that. So in all honesty, we really don’t use the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app that much. Uhhh, that is until now … used with the Hypnosis To Enhance Orgasm Potential app … you be like a living, breathing, real life porn star!  

Benjamin DeFoor is the developer of this hypno orgasm app … dude is an ACTUAL hypnotherapist who knows what he’s doing! Right there on his website it says … “All these apps work and are made by me, an ACTUAL Hypnotherapist.”

So yeah … it ACTUALLY works and helps you achieve an orgasm …

Like we alluded to … combine the Fire Up Your Sex Drive all day erection app with Benjamin’s orgasm app … it would behoove Vivid Entertainment to purchase iPhones and this application combo for all their male employees.

We know what you’re thinking … “what kind of whack job title is that? – my the revolutionary iPhone makes me “smaller” members (no pun intended) of the population feel good about my their penis? WTF!” Ok look, we don’t make this shit up (we couldn’t – even if we tried) … all our content is Apple-approved material. Apple said the iPhone changes everything and now that includes the way you fancy your penis … Male Size.

According to Male Size developer Seligman Ventures Ltd, studies have shown that males underestimate the size of their penis … meaning that  relaxed dick of yours is really larger than 555 million penises worldwide. And that’s the whole key to Male Size … 555 MILLION cocks. Seems like a really big number – seems like your 2½ inch flaccid penis is larger than HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dicks … and that’s nice – makes you feel good! Or that 5 inch erection … that’s an impressive boner too. Bigger than ONE HUNDRED MILLION hard-on’s … yipeee!

But alas Male Size is not a complete miracle worker. There comes a point where teeny tiny meets itsy bitsy … no app can make you feel better about a pencil dick. If your limp biscuit is under 2 inches or you sport wood below 4½ inches … sucks to be you.

We spoke Seligman Ventures about their one-of-a-kind application, specifically if they plan to support Male Size going forward. And great news … the developers are totally committed to small dicks and Male Size version 2.0 will include a handy in-app ruler. You just need to launch Male Size – touch the ruler button – whip out your …

STOP! Too Much Information! Disturbing Mental Images!

We keep picturing those poor bastards in Apple’s app approval department … testing the functionality of each app. Don’t even want to envision how they’ll go about reviewing Male Size’s penis ruler … ewww!

So moral of the story – big or small (well, especially small), lighten up on your dick and feel good about it! After all, it’s not easy being a penis … it hangs around with two nuts all the time – its next door neighbor is a real asshole – and even worse, his owner beats him!

Think you have it rough? Well be glad you’re not living in Russia. Yeah, just try making a simple left turn while driving a car and see what happens next … flashing red lights, blaring sirens and crooked cops. Sucks for you Misha Bear!

But fear not citizens of Russia … help is on the way. All you need is an iPhone and the Not Guilty app. Not Guilty will teach you to understand the billions of articles in the Administrative Offences Code of the Russian Federation. It will also instruct you in making a proper turn without a single violation. And best of all … Not Guilty will come to your rescue and help you avoid being extorted by those rotten bastard Russian traffic cops!

Stay tuned for more Russian lifestyle apps coming to an App Store near you … Shortest Bread Line Locator (GPS-enabled) … Spin The Vodka Bottle … Self-Generating Flashlight App – Chernobyl Edition (no batteries required).

In addition to our regular articles, we decided to run a new feature on KRAPPS entitled …

How To Make Fun Of Apple Without Trying

Below is our first installment, a brand spanking new iPhone app …

LMAO … How To Get Girls Into Bed Without Trying … and it’s even classified in the Education category of the App Store.

And so much for Apple enforcing their policies. Whatever happened to this mighty Apple roar … “application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating since these images are visible on the App Store by all users even when purchasing is restricted by the application’s rating.”

Well, to Apple’s credit … the screenshot does not contain an image of a penis the size of Miami … so we guess it’s no holds barred when it comes to text descriptions. HOORAY!

As we began reporting back in June 2009, Apple has a zero-tolerance policy for porn and nudity on the App Store. Any application found with revealing nipple or crotch-shots, have been nailed with Apple’s ban hammer : 

06/25/09 – Hottest Girls … 07/01/09 – BeautyMeter … 07/30/09 – theXchange … 08/21/09 – Check myHottie … 09/15/09 – My X Girlfriend … 01/21/10 – forChan

Currently it’s not just pornography and nudes that are not tolerated … all overtly sexual applications are not permitted on the App Store. Well, except for Playboy, Sports Illustrated, FHM, Maxim and some others … long (idiotic) story, click here to read more details.

However, if you still insist on viewing those nipple and crotch-shots (and refuse to use the Safari app) … we have good news! If you look hard enough, nudity can indeed be found on the App Store … been there for over a year and a half. For your nipple-viewing pleasure,
Art Envi, has been for sale since August 2008.

Of course Art Envi is not the only Apple-approved skin app … the Art app contains nudity as well and a lot more of it. Hell, the developer is so naked-friendly, he even created an option enabling the user to show only nude images … eliminating clutter within the application.

Here’s another one that screams BOOBIES … the Artistic Nudes apps (we love the disclaimer … naked dead people, huh?).

And if simple nipple viewing is not enough … there are four interactive slider puzzles that might provide a thrill … Fabulous Nude Paintings Puzzle – Classic Nude Paintings Puzzle – Bathing Nudes Paintings Puzzle – Modigliani Nudes Puzzle.

So you see … it’s not all puritan in the App Store. Apple does recognize the need to get your freak on. Grant it, these are famous 20th Century paintings … but hey, at least we know Apple has a soft spot for artistic nudes and there’s a method to their madness … leveraging the sex sells methodology to promote fine art to the masses.

Buzz Aldrin is a certified bad ass. Dude was the second man to walk on the moon (dammit Buzz, you should’ve laid down scissors, not rock), is a mechanical engineer, a retired Air Force pilot … not to mention … produced a computer strategy game, recorded a rap song with Snoop Dogg, (and others), had a Disney Pixar character named after him and is closing in on one million Twitter followers.

On Monday, March 22, Buzz added another accomplishment to his list of bad assness … his very own iPhone app … Buzz Aldrin Portal To Science And Space Exploration [iTunes $1.99].

The folks at AppAdvice did a fairly good job of reviewing Buzz’s new app. They highlight the original content and insights by Buzz on space initiatives including blogs, journals and twitter feeds.  The various news feeds, podcasts, NASA streaming TV, photo galleries, videos and ton of other really cool space and science stuff. For a mere $1.99, this app packs a huge amount of content and is visually stunning.

But as we mentioned, AppAdvice did a FAIRLY good job. Our beef with the review is that they failed to cover the best part of the Buzz Aldrin app. Its most valuable content … the stuff people really want … arguably Buzz’s biggest bad assery accomplishment to date …

Exclusive behind the scenes coverage of Buzz’s experience on
Dancing With The Stars

Walked on the moon – MEH! Air Force Pilot – MEH! Laid down sick beats with Snoop – MEH! All these accomplishments pale in comparison to killing the cha-cha-cha with his dance partner, Ashly Costa. Think about it, dude is 80 FREAKING YEARS OLD and floats around the dance floor like a delicate butterfly (“it looked like you still had your moon boots on” … screw you Bruno) … the ultimate definition of a bad ass.

$1.99 … money well spent for Buzz’s exclusive look into Dancing With The Stars. That’s what we’re talking about and shockingly what AppAdvice missed.

Oh and don’t forget – Monday nights on ABC … VOTE BUZZ!    

We’ve featured a couple of augmented reality applications here on KRAPPS … Nude It lets you see naked people, while Reality Slice helps users slice a pizza into evenly-sized pieces. Nothing earth-shattering, but then again, that’s our wheelhouse.

However today we’ll “buck the norm” and cover an augmented reality app which is … to put it bluntly … freaking insanely awesome! The app is called Star Walk [iTunes $2.99] by Vito Technology Inc. It’s an educational astronomy application which charts stars and planets. Basically what you do is go outside when it’s dark … launch Star Walk … look at the sky through your iPhone (like you’re taking a picture) … and then crap your pants in absolute amazement. Using the iPhone’s GPS feature, Star Walk automatically detects your location and displays, in glorious detail, a live representation of the sky you are looking at … stars, planets constellations and more.   

So let’s say you’re done checking out a particular part of the sky … and point your iPhone to a different location. No problem … Star Walk utilizes the iPhone’s 3GS accelerometer and compass to automatically change to the area of the sky you are currently viewing.

Star Walk provides even further awesomeness … touching any object on Star Walk’s live representation screen will give the user detailed information like size, coordinates, etc.

The Time Machine  function is another cool feature  …sort of like a time-lapse movie of the sky, going from day to night and changing star positions as you advance in time. It’s really remarkable to see the sky in this dynamic state … we were completely in awe.

In addition to the Star Spotter functionality described above, Star Walk has a ton of additional features like … choosing any location in the world and the app will show the corresponding objects in the sky … Astronomy Picture of the Day – an amazing photo gallery, kept fresh on a daily basis … and so much more. To appreciate the full-effect of Star Walk, be sure to check out the demo video at the end of this article. 

With its high-quality graphics, outstanding animations, superb sound effects and intuitive UI … Star Walk is an absolute bargain at $2.99. It delivers a wealth of knowledge in a way that is both fun, easy to understand and thoroughly entertaining … totally exceeding our expectations. And we agree with Apple who featured Star Walk as one of the best apps of 2009. We have our own term for these types of gems … anti-KRAPPS. So without a doubt, Star Walk is 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified!