Oh My God! Oh My God!

The other day we were taking a leak … it was a full on double rainbow piss … all the way! The colors of our pee were so intense … whoa … so bright, so vivid! Oh My God!

But as we finished our business and took one last look at our full on double rainbow in the urinal … we were left saddened and confused. Our double rainbow piss … what does this mean?

Looking back on our emotional pissing experience, we sure could’ve used the Urine Teller app to help answer our existential question … what does this mean?

Surprisingly (well – not really), Urine Teller is the only application in the App Store which helps you analyze the color of your pee. Just match the color of your wizz to the corresponding color strip … and you’ll be instantly informed to what it means.

Hmmm … so the Urine Teller process would go something like this …

Whip it out – Take a piss – Shake, Shake, Shake (no more than 3 times please) – Put it back – Whip out iPhone – Place near urine – Examine urine – Match urine color to iPhone – Be informed.

Urine Teller app … sure, why not? (don’t answer that – rhetorical question)

Similar to our retro games iPhone iOS 4 wallpaper collection, we are accumulating quite a few “magical” applications. The reason we label these apps “magical” is because when we launch them, they do “magical” things to us … our boobs get bigger, hair grows faster, warts fall off our bodies, we lose weight, our penis gets erect and we quit smoking … seriously, no kidding – all these things happen to us because there’s a “magical” app for that!

Now in case you didn’t notice, the fifth “magical” effect was … our penis gets erect. Which is all fine and dandy, but who the hell wants to walk around with an erect penis all day … it ain’t all that. So in all honesty, we really don’t use the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app that much. Uhhh, that is until now … used with the Hypnosis To Enhance Orgasm Potential app … you be like a living, breathing, real life porn star!  

Benjamin DeFoor is the developer of this hypno orgasm app … dude is an ACTUAL hypnotherapist who knows what he’s doing! Right there on his website it says … “All these apps work and are made by me, an ACTUAL Hypnotherapist.”

So yeah … it ACTUALLY works and helps you achieve an orgasm …

Like we alluded to … combine the Fire Up Your Sex Drive all day erection app with Benjamin’s orgasm app … it would behoove Vivid Entertainment to purchase iPhones and this application combo for all their male employees.

Besides the ability to download cool (and sucky) iPhone applications, the App Store is a wonderful source of knowledge. It’s kind of like reading the dictionary for shits and giggles  … we continually learn new things and increase our knowledge … just by checking out 250,000+ applications Apple has approved.

Take for example the Rice Implants app … at first we were like WTF and new type of breast implant made out of rice? We thought silicone and saline were the only choices in breast enhancements.

So then we read the app’s description … and we were still like WTF …

Apparently if you’re considering bigger boobs (or moobs, whatever), you can do this … fill up some pantyhose with rice and stick it under a sports bra. This "rice implant” will simulate having bigger boobs … thus allowing the woman to choose a perfect size breast (sort of like try before you buy).

But this whole filling up the pantyhose with rice can be a cumbersome and inaccurate process. That’s where the Rice Implants app works its magic … it will calculate the amount of rice needed to replicate a boob size in terms of “cc” values.

Rice boobs?!? Laugh all you want but choosing a breast size can be very distressing.  Some women worry about going too big, while others worry about not going big enough. So as you can see … the Rice Implants app is a godsend and we’re not quite sure how the App Store survived without it.

Actually to be honest, we’re not quite sure how we got through life without any knowledge of rice boobs.

The flow of bullshit running through the App Store is seemingly endless …

Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]

Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]

The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]

And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …  

Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description … 

Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra! 

Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.

You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …

This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!

And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive … 

About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%

So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]

Happy Friday! To celebrate the end of the work week, let’s break away from our traditional review of iPhone krapp and start the weekend off on a positive note. This next app is do good, feel good and all good … it’s a fantastic example of how iPhone technology can increase quality of life and make a positive impact on its users.

The AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99 for a limited time] is an augmentative and alternative communication application. Know as AAC, Wikipedia defines it as “communication for those with impairments or restrictions on the production or comprehension of spoken or written language.” AAC is technology at its finest … opening doors and lifting the spirits of non-verbal individuals.

Typically AAC devices cost hundreds of dollar … so at a mere 99 cents, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is a ridiculous bargain and no wonder the #2 paid Medical application. And it gets better … the app is universal meaning it will run full-featured on the iPhone, iPod Touch AND the iPad … WOOT! 

Upon launching the app, the user is presented with 16 sideways scrollable (is that a word – is now) rows of picture buttons categorized by topic (medical, food, emotions, simple phrases, etc.) … resulting in hundreds of built-in audible phrases. The first row is for custom recordings … enabling the individual to program whatever they like. AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is well thought out and developer No Tie Software did a great job organizing the categories and identifying the most common phrases used on a daily basis for quick and convenient play.

Although released less than a week ago, No Tie Software has already updated the app with landscape support, choice of big or small buttons, premium and standard voice options, custom wallpaper and more. No Tie Software is no stranger to customer service … we featured them back in May 2009, highlighting their over-the-top customer support. So rest assured, this is not some fly by night developer … No Tie Software will continue to enhance the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard based on customer feedback.

Using the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is extremely easy. There are three ways to speak via the app … 1) choose from the hundreds of built-in phrases in 16 categories … 2) program the top row of ten buttons to speak any custom message (your name, address, “Go Lakers”, etc.) … 3) type any message and have it spoken using text-to-speech technology.

Uh yeah, we know what your thinking … this app could be quite entertaining for non-medical purposes. See a hot chick at a bar – use the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard to deliver a clever pickup line in a very original manner (thanks No Tie Software – you guys got us laid). Frequent places where foul language is frowned upon – let the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard do the cussing for you. The possibilities are endless.

But all shitting aside, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99] is indeed an all good app … a beautiful technology enriching the lives of non-verbal individuals and their caretakers. Just read the user review below from a special education teacher who works with non-verbal autistic children … now this is what the revolutionary iPhone is really about!

All right, let’s get right to the point … being constipated sucks! You feel bloated, heavy, sluggish and generally uncomfortable. Hell, even worse, constipation can lead to hemorrhoids and a hernia – this is not all good!

So to promote regular bowel movements and maintaining your health, the brilliant minds at Thats A Girls Name Solutions (TAGn Solutions) have released the first iLaxitive …
Help Me Poop.

Apparently research has shown that falling, crashing, splattering and plunking sounds loosen your stool and help you drop the kids off at the pool. Not really sure how we missed this nugget of wisdom, but it’s nice to know that Apple has our back with the approval of Help Me Poop. And at only 99 cents, think of all the money you’ll save by not having to buy prune juice, fiber or ex-lax … money that can be put towards the purchase of the iPhone 4.

So while your getting all excited about the aforementioned new iPhone … think about and be grateful for the iPhone’s crowning achievement – a healthy and happy ass!

[editor’s note: advanced apologies if you are reading this right before, during or immediately after a meal]

Remember the story about the iPhone saving some dude’s life? American film producer Dan Woolley was buried alive under a pile of rubble, after the massive earthquake that hit Haiti last January. Dan used the light from his iPhone to identify injuries to his leg and the Pocket First Aid & CPR app to treat head and leg wounds and managed shock. He survived being buried for 64 hours.

Impressive? MEH! … we’d like to see Dan get out of a real jam, like diagnosing cauliflower-shaped bumps on his penis.

Take this perfectly ordinary scenario … you’re out clubbing, it’s late, the beer goggles are in full effect, you wind up with some skank and have unprotected sex. Next morning, the sobering reality sets in … you had unprotected sex with some SKANK! What would MacGyver do?

Well remember folks … with over 250,000 available apps for the revolutionary iPhone, there’s sure to be an application for sluts like you … check out After Sex.

After Sex is a health app dedicated to diagnosing unnatural growths on your penis or vagina. In the Symptom Checker section of the app, simply select the offending intruder (blisters, cauliflower bumps, round bumps or open sore) … then choose the color of discharge you are experiencing (white, yellow/green or dark/bloody) along with pain location (in buttocks, while urinating, in genitals, etc.) and type of discomfort (strong odor in urine, diarrhea, nausea, etc).

Based on your symptoms, After Sex will return a list of possible sexually transmitted diseases (STD) … syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc … as well as the nearest clinic where you can seek further treatment. This info will supposedly make you feel better.

After Sex is currently FREE … which is nice and all that, however do you really want to get to the point of even contemplating a download? Nah … live life by the wise KRAPPS saying … before you spank her – cover your wanker!