We noticed a strange phenomenon at this year’s WWDC … the annual conference for iPhone application developers. For whatever reason, all of the developers in attendance had little to no hair … pretty much bald as a baby’s butt. Quite a disturbing sight … until it dawned on us why the lack of WWDC hair … developers are pulling their hair out in frustration over Apple’s idiotic and inconsistent (remember these two words for later) application approval policies!

No hair = Apple’s fault. Makes total sense – just take a look at Apple’s latest moronic ruling.

Mirror App [iTunes Free] is one of the 27 million mirror applications available for the iPhone 4. The developers, DLP Mobile, recently submitted an update to Apple for approval which was immediately rejected. Why? … because per Apple’s email to DLP Mobile …

The screenshots provided contain content that is objectionable for certain age groups. This is in violation of Section 3.3.18 … that states:

 

"Applications may be rejected if they contain content … that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable, for example, materials that may be considered obscene, pornographic, or defamatory."

 

The application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating (no objectionable material) since these images are visible on the App Store by all users  … The inappropriate images have been attached for your reference.

Excellent … let’s check out the obscene, pornographic screenshots, not suitable for 4-year-olds, Apple attached for our reference …

HUH?!? The girl in the photos is former America’s Next Top Model contestant Mila Bouzinova … and if you think for one second her screenshots are inappropriate (what? girl can’t wear a bandeau bikini top?) … you are a complete douchebag. Now the policy does state, “in Apple’s reasonable judgment” … but come on, is some 40-year-old virgin, working in Apple’s app review team, the best judge of overtly sexual content. These are freaking geeks making a judgment call … their dicks get hard when the wind blows … they should be the last people on earth dictating what is too sexual. To them, a SpongeBob chia pet is arousing. Seriously, if you’re getting excited by Mila’s screenshots … seek help, you have serious issues!

Ok, so that was the “idiotic” part of Apple’s ruling … now the “inconsistent” piece. Look at the screenshots below. They all have been approved by Apple and are live in the App Store. Compare these screenshots to the ones 2 inches above. Now tell us which screenshots are really the inappropriate ones for 4-year-olds.

Chin up developers! We realize the game you play with Apple is asinining, maddening, stupid and absurd … but at least Apple approved an app for your woes … Hair Clinic – the app which magically grows your hair back after its been pulled out .

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ … keep dat bullshit ROLLIN’!

Aside from Apple’s bullshit response to the iPhone 4 antenna issue (you’re holding it wrong) … there’s another disturbing trend out of Cupertino lately. Although the App Store has been cleansed from overtly sexual applications, Apple is perfectly fine with approving apps that are total scams … hair growth, wart removal, fat burning and more. There’s an app that helps you quit smoking by changing your cigarette’s flavor to ass … and of course the iPhone would not be revolutionary unless it made your penis happy and fixes erectile dysfunction. Oh and speaking or erections … there’s even an app which allows users to send hard-on’s to their friends as gifts – NOT KIDDING!

And now it’s time for boobs, breasts and titties … call ‘em what you want, the iPhone can now make them BIGGER with the Breast Enlargement Project application. HA!

Claiming to end the flat chest era with this app, Breast Enhancement Project promises to deliver bigger boobs after just 10 days of use. Apparently the app plays magical music … and if you listen to this magical music 20 times a day, for 30 seconds at a time … you’ll magically make you melons grow BIGGER!

Breast Enhancement Project even gives you an exact ROI … (20x/day x 30sec/day) x 10days = 100 minutes or 3 centimeters (approx one inch) of of boob growth … YEAH!

Of course there are the usual disclaimers … Breast Enhancement Project states that if you have a negative attitude, the magic music will not grow your titties … “as long as you believe "Breast Enhancement Project" , the fact will be confirmed.” AMEN!

[Disclaimer – Breast Enhancement Project is a serious application and is not meant to be used as a joke or gag. Like the aforementioned bullshit scam apps, Apple has classified Breast Enhancement Project as a Utility application, thus avoiding the obvious bullshit apps in the Entertainment category. CAPICHE?!]

First there was the app that turned your iPhone into a portable heater … then into an air blower … and of course the infamous watermelon ripeness detector. But all these useless useful applications pale in comparison to the dynasty of utilities one developer is pumping out … dude’s name is Holger Blumler … and his eccentric company is HMB-TEC. 

Holger Blumler is an interesting fellow. Picture the freaky scientist Doc Brown from Back To The Future. But instead of tinkering with a DeLorean and the flux capacitor … Holger spends his time messing with the iPhone’s 3.5mm headphone jack. And with assorted external attachments (all available for sale on HMB-TEC’s site), coupled with correct calculations … when the iPhone launches Holger’s apps, you’re going to see some serious shit …

iPocketFan
Just like it sounds … stick a propeller in the headphone jack, crank up the iPhone’s volume and boom … revolutionary refreshing air!

SoccerPlug
Forgive Holger … he’s from Germany and their soccer team is kicking major ass in the World Cup. So being a freak football fan, Holger couldn’t resist an app that waves the German (or any nation) flag from the iPhone accompanied by various obnoxious soccer sounds. Heartbreaking however that Holger didn’t develop a vuvuzela attachment.

iLaserPointer
Turn your iPhone into a FICKIN’ LASER … enough said … awesome!

LED Flashlight
So some weak sauce developers are using the iPhone 4’s flash as a flashlight app … MEH. Holger is way ahead of those dorks … check out the original, pre-iPhone 4, LED flashlight … complete with a handy, built-in, SOS Morse code distress signal (· · · — — — · · ·). 

And Holger’s madness doesn’t stop with the above … mobile alarm system [YouTube], aromatherapy [YouTube], thermometer, stethoscope, heart monitor, microphone, infrared remote and more. Like we said, dude is building a dynasty of some serious flux capacitor-like shit … bravo Holger, bravo!

The flow of bullshit running through the App Store is seemingly endless …

Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]

Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]

The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]

And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …  

Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description … 

Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra! 

Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.

You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …

This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!

And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive … 

About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%

So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]

Gotta love TAITO Corporation! Despite these folks being so old that they fart dust … they have fully embraced the iPhone platform.

Check this … TAITO, the original sellers of Space Invaders back in 1978, have brought their retro magic to the iPhone. No were not talking about  the excellent Space Invaders iPhone games … we’re talking FREE Space Invaders-themed utility apps. Think calculator, flashlight, battery meter, etc. … those boring apps that get released by the thousands and can be described as “same shit, different day”. However today the shit is different … the clever peeps at TAITO have brilliantly extended their Space Invaders brand to FREE line of utility apps …

Space Invaders Clock [iTunes FREE] – each minute an alien is blown up
Space Invaders Battery Meter [iTunes FREE]
Space Invaders Business Card [iTunes FREE]
Space Invaders Calculator [iTunes FREE]
Space Invaders Flashlight [iTunes FREE]
Space Invaders Memory Status [iTunes FREE]
Space Invaders Timer [iTunes FREE] – perfect for cooking ramen    

Now these apps aren’t exactly the greatest thing since Shazam or Tap Tap Revenge, however considering the FREE price tag and the uber-cool Space Invaders theme, they are all good (although the clock would be even sicker if TAITO updated it with an alarm).

Of the seven apps, our favorite is the Space Invaders Business Card which allows users to make custom cards. These business cards can then be exchanged with other users via a Bluetooth connection … which is cool, but we’d love to see some Bump technology integrated into the app for a more universal transfer method.

Once you collect contact information from other Space Invaders Business Card users, phone calls and emails can be launched directly from within the app … and when you tap on a Twitter name, the app displays the contact’s most recent tweets.

So hopefully these Space Invader utility apps are a start of a new trend. The App Store sure could use some more wicked cross-over apps like Doodle Jump Tip Calculator or Pocket God Sex Positions … we would love to see those cute little pygmies demonstrate oral, face to face and rear entry positions. 

No Tie Software’s AutoRingtone service has created over ONE MILLION custom Text-To-Speech talking ringtones since November 2009. That means AutoRingtone apps have potentially cost Apple over ONE MILLION Dollars … considering that Apple charges up to $1.29 per ringtone. It’s no wonder Apple hasn’t featured the AutoRingtone app!

The AutoRingtone service enables users to create their own talking "Caller ID" ringtones, that say exactly what they want – uncensored … "Hey Mike, Steve Jobs is calling. He needs your advice yet again about a lost iPhone. Should I let it go to voicemail?"

Users can select from dozens of professional (British Man, Woman, Old Man, GPS Gal, etc.) and funny voices (Jersey Girl, Valley Girl, Space Alien). They can use nearly 200 sound effects as an introduction, to get a user’s attention. There are no limitations… users can create unlimited ringtones and ringtones are completely uncensored. Indeed, many users are taking advantage of that feature (hint, hint).

Ringtones are downloadable in both .m4r as well as .aiff format … so they can be created on an iPhone, iPod touch or iPad but used on iPhones as well as other phones.

To jump on the uncensored custom ringtones ONE MILLION bandwagon, check these out:
AutoRingtone Pro [iTunes $0.99] 
9,999 Ringtones Uncensored Pro [iTunes $0.99]
Auto TTS Pro Text-To-Speech Ringtones [iTunes $0.99]

For more information about the AutoRingtone service, check out the hysterical video below called … AutoRingtone: Behind the Curtain.

By now you’ve probably heard about the lost iPhone 4G saga – Apple employee gets drunk and loses the iPhone 4G prototype in a bar … some dude finds the lost iPhone and sells it  to Gizmodo … Gizmodo publishes the exclusive story and pictures … Apple gets pissed and Gizmodo returns the iPhone to Apple … police raid Gizmodo editor Jason Chen’s home and seize computers as part of an investigation into the leak of the prototype iPhone … blah, blah, blah.

Well the kind folks at Headlight Software (developers of Knife Dancing [iTunes FREE] – the #1 game in in February 2010) thought they would lend a hand to all drunks and publish an app which would help any lost iPhone return to its rightful owner.

The concept is simple … users create a custom wallpaper for display on their iPhone’s "locked" screen. The wallpaper contains the owner’s contact information … an email or phone number … easily visible if the phone is found, even if a passcode lock is used.

Simple concept … yet brilliant. And with Apple’s track record of losing prototypes, a must buy for all employees (and part of every Apple wallpaper message should read – “$5,000 Reward For Return! No Questions Asked!”).

Now the beauty of this whole story is that Headlight Software has MAJOR BALLS. These guys developed the “recover lost iPhone” app and submitted it to Apple for approval under the name … Lost In A Bar. Below are the actual screenshots and icon (love it) submitted to Apple …

LMAO – classic stuff! Yeah, we’re sure you can guess what happens next …

Reeking of extreme arrogance and self-importance, Apple rejects the Lost In A Bar app claiming it’s “inappropriate”. WEAK … looks like the iPhone prototype was not the only thing they lost in a bar … WTF, where’s your sense of humor Apple?!? 

But drunk people rejoice! A non-offensive, positive and appropriate “recover lost iPhone”  application is already in the App Store … download Reward For Return [iTunes $0.99] and party on.