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Need A Lumbar Puncture? Don’t Worry, There’s An App For That!


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Last week, Gizmodo ran a hysterical iPhone-related Cyanide and Happiness cartoon. Pictured is a dude with massive bleeding from the chest … a bear tore out his ribcage. But no worries … an iPhone owner comes across the gory scene, launches his iPhone, heals ribcage dude and flies off into the skies.

iPhone-Hero

Indeed there is an app for everything … making us iPhone owners 100% bad asses. We’ve already discussed some of the <for lack of a better term> “unique” things you can do with your iPhone …

>> Spy on your kids
>> Count your sperm
>> Win when the stock market crashes
>> Write your own obituary

And now you can add another to this ever growing list, a Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap).

Lumbar-Picture-Title-FINAL

Lumbar Puncture Screen 1   Lumbar Puncture Screen 3

Now granted, the Lumbar Puncture app doesn’t perform an actual spinal tap <duh>, but given its multimedia step-by-step instructional guide, you’ll become a skilled surgeon in no time. What? A disclaimer? …

Lumbar-Puncture-Warning

LOL … oh yeah, that’ll work. You know damn well there will be some jackass who will use the Lumbar Puncture app to perform an actual spinal tap … on a friend … in their garage … broadcasting live on Justin.tv.

Ha! Screw med school … get an iPhone!

Most Offensive App Ever – As Seen In The Wall Street Journal


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ATTENTION – Please proceed with extreme caution! We are highlighting an app that is so controversial and offensive that it caused uproar on Twitter, was exposed by The Wall Street Journal and immediately upon release, the developer started receiving hate email. Again, this subject matter is not for the faint of heart … consider yourself warned!

WSJ-Shake-That-Booty

The story goes like this …

Dennis Comeau is a 49-year-old shoe designer. About six months ago, he and his wife started an app development company, Visionaire Design. Peculiarly, Dennis was inspired when he learned about a rejected app called iBoobs (gee, guess what iBoobs does … shake iPhone, see jiggling boobies). He took an approach a bit “south” and focused on ass. Dennis figured if KC And The Sunshine Band enjoyed “Shake Your Booty” success … why can’t he. So Visionaire submitted the Shake That Booty app for approval and was quickly axed by Apple. Girl’s ass in a little bikini simply doesn’t fly with Apple. So Dennis dressed the ass with bigger panties … NOT … again, killed by Apple. Third time’s a charm? Yes of course … a cartoon ass in jeans is all good with Apple.

Shake-That-Booty-Title

For a more intimate experience, see our exclusive Shake That Booty video below. Again … WARNING … it’s extremely offensive (uh, no smartass … we’re not talking about the quality of the video). And don’t worry about turning up your volume for clearer sound, there is none!

 

Sorry … we know … absolutely disgusting! A cartoon butt that gyrates. Definitely not something you’ll see at any high school dance, Shakira music video or clubbing on the weekend. A shaking ass – DA HORROR!

Well little did Denis know, his provocative shaking rear end would cause quite the outrage. Hundreds of iPhone users and bloggers questioning why Apple approved such smut. Heather Lyte (Twitter @shopgadgetgirl) tweeting her dismay to 800+ followers (seriously?). And the ultimate ridicule … reporter Maureen Scarpelli, of The Wall Street Journal, exposing Shake That Booty to a worldwide audience. Oh yeah, not to mention the hate email Dennis started receiving.

Shake-That-Booty-Twitter

Shakira-Booty-FINAL Poor Dennis … what a douche! He thought his Shake That Booty app would fly under the radar, avoiding public scrutiny. Didn’t he realize his undulating Shakira-like backside would be way more offensive than … an app which turns your iPhone into a penis … an app which teaches you how to pleasure a woman … a Peeping Tom app … an app of women touching their breasts and whoo-haw. Gotta give props to The Wall Street Journal for ignoring the various iPhone pornography apps and focusing on the real offensive issue at hand, Shake That Booty … journalism at its finest.

As for you Dennis … shame on you! But please ping us when/if you release the Shake That Rack app … we would like to avoid being scooped by The Wall Street Journal again.

Pocket Shot – We’re Still Talking About An App, RIGHT?!?


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Remember that yesteryear toy called Slime? Well, we guess … but unless you are a total toy geek or 107 years old, you probably don’t recall. Anywhoo, Slime was this oozy drippy green material that came in a little trash can. Kids basically just held and touched the stuff getting totally grossed out by its cold, wet and slimy feel. Gets kinda boring after 12 seconds, but that’s when child creativity takes over … throwing the shit all over the place was the best! Flinging green slime at your friends, on the wall or at the TV provided countless hours of entertainment. The real punks hurled slime at their mom, sister’s hair and at the ceiling or box fan (for maximum household damage).

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Well good news from yesteryear … slime is now available for your iPhone in form of the Pocket Shot game [iTunes] for only 99 cents (or check out the Lite version for free).

Pocket-Shot-Title-FINAL

Similar to another awesome toy, Silly String … Pocket Shot turns any gathering into a party! This game is perfect for killing time in your dorm room, fraternity or sorority house. Liven up a business meeting, Bible study class or traffic school. Everything from birthday to bachelor parties can be kicked up a notch with Pocket Shot.

Gameplay is simple. The key is to choose the right picture for the Pocket Shot target. A facial close-up provides maximum entertainment. Next you’ll have to pump your weapon. This is done by shaking your iPhone up and down really fast a bunch of times. Once loaded, you’ll need to aim your barrel. Finally, release the gooey slime by stroking the pump grip. Hopefully you have mad skillz and your blasted goo hits its facial target, scoring big points (and go ahead, brag about your score with in-app Twitter support).

Pocket-Shot-How-To-Play

Pocket Shot 1   Pocket Shot 2

Whoa now! Hold on … wait just a minute!

Hard pumping – Shake your iPhone up and down (fast!)
Stroke the pump grip – Show ‘em your O face as your shot is released

Uhhh – WTH is this? … your “O” face? We’re still talking about an iPhone app … RIGHT?!? Whatever … we’ll let the viewing audience decide … make your final verdict by watching the Pocket Shots promo video below … RIGHT?!?

 

JeePee Madness – Experience Amsterdam For Free


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Amsterdam-T-Shirt-FINAL Amsterdam … gotto love it! With a population of 1.36 million, Amsterdam is the capital and largest city of the Netherlands. Home of such attractions as the Van Gogh Museum, Anne Frank House, Hermitage and more. But we all know the real reason why tourists flock to Amsterdam … because Vegas just isn’t enough. Mix in a Red-Light District and hundreds of Coffee Shops that oddly, don’t sell coffee … the result can be summed up perfectly by this Amsterdam tourism slogan … “Good Girls Go To Heaven – Bad Girls Go To Amsterdam.”

And you know what else is cool about Amsterdam? … Guppies In The Dark. No, these guppies have nothing to do with wooden shoes, riding bikes, chasing windmills or other popular Amsterdam stereotypes. Guppies In The Dark are developers who are off to a good start, recently introducing their first iPhone app … JeePee.

JeePee-Title

JeePee1 JeePee2 JeePee3

Similar to the Raoul The Dancing Pancake app, JeePee seems to be concocted while in a drug induced state of mind. Makes perfect sense with the whole Amsterdam cannabis coffee shop thing. Ok, this one really requires a visual to fully appreciate … so we’ll shut up now, so you can push play.

See! Told you there were drugs involved! Freaky looking double-jointed white dude, dancing a freaky looking jig to some freaky music. Yes, JeePee totally works … uh, when you’re freaking HIGH!

JeePee exercise   jeepee pappadoea

To the app’s credit, the JeePee dude is programmed very well (come on, like the devs claim … it’s a “highly sophisticated piece of software”) and it won’t cost you a dime (no dime bag pun intended) … it’s free. But like the dark guppies state (just curious, WTH is a dark guppy?), JeePee is completely useless … unless, of course, you’re HIGH. But really … should an iPhone app originating from deep inside an Amsterdam coffee shop be any other way? So in this regard … JeePee is perfect!

Recap: Week Of September 14 (plus bonus)


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iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

September 14: I Am the Sausage King, And I Can Do Anything – a crazy cool game you must check out

September 15: App Store Nudity – Volume 5 (My X Girlfriend)

September 16: Fat Mama’s Pussycat Playland – A Freak Show

September 17: Avoid Herpes, Suck Face With Your iPhone (alternatively: I Kissed An iPhone And I Liked It)

September 18: Hey Teenagers – Sucks To Be You! – don’t be that parent

September 19: Killa Kitties From Compton – Keepin’ It Real – a one of a kind game involving gangsta cats

Bonus Round
Some claim the Kayne West parodies are getting old … our take = bullshit! And this time Kanye has totally crossed the line … bitch is dissing our man Steve Jobs! Not cool Kanye, not cool. <Kanye impression made with the Living Photo app … read our review here>

 

Killa Kitties From Compton – Keepin’ It Real


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(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

Cats. They never get old. Silly kats are the memes that shall live on forever, without a doubt. And Killa Kitties From Compton [iTunes] by developer StarvingEyes, is a nice display of hysterical kats.

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The game is composed of eight short and compelling mini-games that range from shaving a pussy to getting one wet (stop the madness – minds out of the gutter pleazzze). Oh, and the fun doesn’t stop there.

You’ve gotto do your best to keep these krazy kriminal kitties off the streets (I assume). But be quick, as these killa felines are krafty and will escape from every effort of trying to krack down on them (although you’d think with all the bling they wear, these kitties would be weighed down and slow, but totally not the case … damn fast kats … bling or no bling).

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Now, the fun doesn’t stop at the gameplay. The presentation is freaking hysterical. From the clip that starts the series of mini-games (chanting … "Compton Kitties, Keeping It Real.  You. Will. DIE!!”), to paws clapping as the words … "On To The Next Game" … pop up rhythmically, this game is krazy entertaining. And while I play most games without my headphones plugged in, this game has always got me going for the audio. I have a first-gen iTouch, by the way … no speakers … sucks for me.

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Now Killa Kitties From Compton may not be for everyone … like if you hate fun, for example. Otherwise, you will laugh your ass off. This game continues to have me in stitches every time I play. For only 99 cents, check it fo sho … it’s PERFECT!

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Hey Teenagers – Sucks To Be You!


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Steve-Jobs-Sucks-To-Be-You Are you a teenager? Still in high school? … if you answered “yes” … ha, sucks to be you! Yesterday we talked about the difficulties of being single (herpes, itchy crotch, drippy dick, etc.), but holy smokes … teens got it tough too! You need to score 9700 on your SAT’s and take 7 years of English and Math just to be considered for community college (great show, btw). You can’t chalk your ID to buy wine coolers. The consequences for bringing a flare gun to school are far worse than a mere detention (great movie, btw). And what the hell, skateboarding is now a crime. Yeah, sucks to be you Mr. High School Senior … blech!

Another thing that sucks about being a teen is the iPhone. Oh whatever teenage freak … thinking you’re all bad ass with your 3GS … “oh look at me – I have push technologee” … not! The iPhone is your curse – your ultimate FML. Yeah look at this app, teenage bitches …
Speed Limit Notifier … sucks to be you!

Speed-Limit-Notifier-TITLE

What a concept! Download Speed Limit Notifier on junior’s iPhone … mix in a cool 30 miles per hour … punch in your email address … and BOOM …

“Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Junior is now cruising at 37 miles per hour! – Busted!”

Speed Limit Notifier 2

Speed Limit Notifier 3

<brrring, brrring, brrring>
Junior: “uh, hello, Dad?”
Father: “you’re speeding! pull over you little shit! your Mother and I will be right there to pick your sorry ass up! you’re grounded young man!”
<click>

To make sure it’s not just us who find this whole idea whack, we cruised down to the local high school and showed Speed Limit Notifier to some students (not really, but we did ask some teenagers on Twitter). Their reactions …

>>> Oh, wow. That … is bullshit. F%&K. It pisses me off that it even exists.
>>> Freaking huge invasion of privacy. Might as well have your parents in the car with you.
>>> Ewww … get away from me! No I don’t want to see your iPhone. Creep!

LMAO … what’s next? …

“Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Missy’s Blouse Has Been Unbuttoned! – Busted!”
”Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Junior Dropped An F Bomb – Busted!”

Come on Daddy-O … don’t be that guy. Step away from Speed Limit Notifier and wash that damn “Happy Sweet 16, We Love You Missy” window painting off mom’s minivan. It’s tough enough being a teenager, no need to muddy the waters even more with revolutionary iPhone parenting technology … or those obnoxious public displays of affection, blech!

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