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Say Yep! to Yipe! 5: Attack of Idle Hands [iPhone Game Review]


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(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

idle-hands-points If you like RPGs (the role playing games kind, not the rocket-propelled grenade kind) with a sense of humor, then you’ll want to check out Yipe! 5: Attack of Idle Hands.  It’s an old saying that "idle hands are the devil’s pawnshop" and here, Idle Hands refers to a demon that’s been terrorizing the land.  I haven’t yet met him in the game yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll need more than my current weapon, a rusty pitchfork, to get past him.

The Yipe! franchise has been around for quite some time with Mac and PC games dating back over 10 years.  The iPhone game gives you a full-blown, big feel adventure right in the palm of your hand.  The game is currently on sale for 99 cents [iTunes $0.99] and there is also a free version [iTunes Free] with an in app purchase to turn it into the full game.

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You start out by choosing a character icon and then selecting one of three archetypes: Sneaky, Superhero or Brains, each of which highlights one of the traits of strength, dexterity or intelligence.  Once you’ve got your character built, it’s time to go adventuring.  Stopping by the castle for a quick chat with the king, he laments the state of his kingdom which is being overrun by zombie bunnies.  Since there’s gold for the brave adventurer who takes on the quest of the day, you sign up and then proceed to run amok.  Along the way, you’ll fight all manner of beasties and (hopefully) grab more gold and experience to level up.  If you can survive long enough, you can come back to town and upgrade your weapons and armor or buy some grub to sustain you on the road.  Yes, I have paused right in the middle of a fight to eat a cheeseburger and replenish my hit points!

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The fighting is pretty straightforward and each character type has a few special skills that can be employed to give you an edge.  Hilariously, some of the monsters won’t even take notice of you if you are a lower level character.  You can choose to fight them anyway, but you will definitely lose.  Better to choose your early battles wisely, grab the loot and go shopping before you face off against the Monster Mouths or the Boss Zombie Bunny.

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The storyline is well crafted, the art is top notch and the music and sounds add to the fun.  Normally priced at $1.99 [on sale – iTunes $0.99 or Free Lite Version], there’s a lot of entertainment for your gaming dollar here.

Apple Bans America’s Next Top Model Contestant As Inappropriate – You Be The Judge


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mad-man-pulling-hair-out-f We noticed a strange phenomenon at this year’s WWDC … the annual conference for iPhone application developers. For whatever reason, all of the developers in attendance had little to no hair … pretty much bald as a baby’s butt. Quite a disturbing sight … until it dawned on us why the lack of WWDC hair … developers are pulling their hair out in frustration over Apple’s idiotic and inconsistent (remember these two words for later) application approval policies!

No hair = Apple’s fault. Makes total sense – just take a look at Apple’s latest moronic ruling.

Mirror App [iTunes Free] is one of the 27 million mirror applications available for the iPhone 4. The developers, DLP Mobile, recently submitted an update to Apple for approval which was immediately rejected. Why? … because per Apple’s email to DLP Mobile …

The screenshots provided contain content that is objectionable for certain age groups. This is in violation of Section 3.3.18 … that states:

 

"Applications may be rejected if they contain content … that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable, for example, materials that may be considered obscene, pornographic, or defamatory."

 

The application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating (no objectionable material) since these images are visible on the App Store by all users  … The inappropriate images have been attached for your reference.

Excellent … let’s check out the obscene, pornographic screenshots, not suitable for 4-year-olds, Apple attached for our reference …

Bouzinova-iPhone-1  Bouzinova-iPhone-2

HUH?!? The girl in the photos is former America’s Next Top Model contestant Mila Bouzinova … and if you think for one second her screenshots are inappropriate (what? girl can’t wear a bandeau bikini top?) … you are a complete douchebag. Now the policy does state, “in Apple’s reasonable judgment” … but come on, is some 40-year-old virgin, working in Apple’s app review team, the best judge of overtly sexual content. These are freaking geeks making a judgment call … their dicks get hard when the wind blows … they should be the last people on earth dictating what is too sexual. To them, a SpongeBob chia pet is arousing. Seriously, if you’re getting excited by Mila’s screenshots … seek help, you have serious issues!

Ok, so that was the “idiotic” part of Apple’s ruling … now the “inconsistent” piece. Look at the screenshots below. They all have been approved by Apple and are live in the App Store. Compare these screenshots to the ones 2 inches above. Now tell us which screenshots are really the inappropriate ones for 4-year-olds.

overtly-iPhone-1  overtly-iPhone-2

overtly-iPhone-3  overtly-iPhone-4

Chin up developers! We realize the game you play with Apple is asinining, maddening, stupid and absurd … but at least Apple approved an app for your woes … Hair Clinic – the app which magically grows your hair back after its been pulled out .

Small Penis? Male Size App Will Make You Feel Better About It!


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We know what you’re thinking … “what kind of whack job title is that? – my the revolutionary iPhone makes me “smaller” members (no pun intended) of the population feel good about my their penis? WTF!” Ok look, we don’t make this shit up (we couldn’t – even if we tried) … all our content is Apple-approved material. Apple said the iPhone changes everything and now that includes the way you fancy your penis … Male Size.

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According to Male Size developer Seligman Ventures Ltd, studies have shown that males underestimate the size of their penis … meaning that  relaxed dick of yours is really larger than 555 million penises worldwide. And that’s the whole key to Male Size … 555 MILLION cocks. Seems like a really big number – seems like your 2½ inch flaccid penis is larger than HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dicks … and that’s nice – makes you feel good! Or that 5 inch erection … that’s an impressive boner too. Bigger than ONE HUNDRED MILLION hard-on’s … yipeee!

male-size-2  male-size-3

But alas Male Size is not a complete miracle worker. There comes a point where teeny tiny meets itsy bitsy … no app can make you feel better about a pencil dick. If your limp biscuit is under 2 inches or you sport wood below 4½ inches … sucks to be you.

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We spoke Seligman Ventures about their one-of-a-kind application, specifically if they plan to support Male Size going forward. And great news … the developers are totally committed to small dicks and Male Size version 2.0 will include a handy in-app ruler. You just need to launch Male Size – touch the ruler button – whip out your …

STOP! Too Much Information! Disturbing Mental Images!

We keep picturing those poor bastards in Apple’s app approval department … testing the functionality of each app. Don’t even want to envision how they’ll go about reviewing Male Size’s penis ruler … ewww!

So moral of the story – big or small (well, especially small), lighten up on your dick and feel good about it! After all, it’s not easy being a penis … it hangs around with two nuts all the time – its next door neighbor is a real asshole – and even worse, his owner beats him!

Feel The Need To Kill Yourself? Death Chug iPhone App Can Help!


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Ever wonder how many of your favorite Starbucks coffees or Red Bull energy drinks it would take to kill you?

That’s the opening line from the new iPhone application … Death Chug (not a metal band).

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Hmmm, let’s ponder the question for a moment … have we ever wondered how many Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s it would take to kill us? Uh … NO. Safe to say we never thought about going on such an epic coffee binge that we would drop dead from a caffeine overdose.

But HOORAY … if we ever did turn emo and felt the need to kill ourselves with Starbucks, it’s comforting to know there’s an app for that. The beauty of Death Chug is that it makes ending your life so easy. Simply enter your weight … pick your poison … hit the submit button … and instantly Death Chug returns the exact number of drinks it would take to kill yourself based on U.S. Department of Health formulas … that’s nice!

death-chug-1  death-chug-2

Look, we get it … caffeine is bad for you – don’t drink a lot of it . And supposedly if we were ever stupid enough to consume 91 Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s in one sitting, we would die … deservingly so. But aside from providing scared straight tactics, our concern is with the glorious dumbshits of the world. Because you know damn well some dicknose frat boy will double dog dare an Appa iFonna Chi pledge to slam down 65 Monster’s … which according to Death Chug, will kill the 152 pound twerp.

iPhone + Death Chug  … dying has never been so convenient!

Apple’s Only Black Employee Voices His Frustration With iPhone 4 [Video]


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darnell-johnson Last month we featured two brilliant commercials for the iPhone 4 and iPad. The reason they’re so epic is because Apple did NOT produce them and thus do not include bullshit marketing spin.

Well the same folks are at it again … this time taking on “Antennagate” in their usual no-holds-barred approach …

”Blame AT&T, we didn’t invent the dropped call, they did.”

 

”We told you from the beginning that this changes everything … and that also includes how you hold the phone.”

 

“Black iPhone can’t do this, black iPhone drops my call – you know what, F*CK YOU people.”

And similar to camera guy in the last two videos, we absolutely love Apple’s only black employee, Darnell Johnson – dude brings up some very good points! What’s up with that?

 

[via iPhone Download Blog]

Top 10 Steve Jobs Quotes From iPhone 4 Antennagate Press Conference


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Presenting the top ten Steve Jobs quotes from last week’s damage control iPhone 4 Antennagate press conference …

We love our users.
If we are “users”, “druggies”, “addicts” or “crackheads” … does that make Steve a “dealer”, “pusher”, trapstar” or “slinger”? Bravo … excellent choice of words.

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We love our users so much we’ve built 300 Apple retail stores for them.
What you really meant was “300 crackhouses”, right? But seriously dude … you love us so much that you would build Apple Stores … just for us? Nothing to do with a sales strategy or increasing revenue? Damn Steve, thank you … you’re swell!

I get a lot of email and my address is out there. I can’t reply to all of these emails — I have a day job. Some people post them on the web, which is kind of rude.
Does Steve really think his email responses will be kept private? If some geek receives a personal email from Jobs … logic dictates that said geek gets a hard-on and shares it with the world. Not to mention print, frame and hang it (the email, not hard-on). But even if we’re rude, we know you still love us … after all, you did build 300 Apple Stores just for us.

Q: How’s your health, Steve? How are you doing?
I’m fine! I was on vacation in Hawaii, but this was important enough to come back for.

Ok, who’s the kiss-ass asking this question … GRUBER? And LMAO … dude was in Hawaii on vacation. Sucks to be the short-straw guy placing that call, “Yes Mr. Jobs … you heard me correctly … things are a total clusterfuck right now and we have no other option than to puppet you in front of the media for damage control back here in Cupertino.” See Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed!

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Websites buy stolen prototypes and put ‘em on the web and we don’t care for that.
Three months later, still whining about Gizmodo? Geez, turn the page, shit happens. Doesn’t the CEO of the most powerful technology company have something better to worry about than Gawker Media?

And we didn’t bash down any doors! [referencing police breaking down the door of Gizmodo editor Jason Chen’s home during a raid] 
Oh look, we went to an Apple iPhone 4 press conference and a Gizmodo shitfest broke out.

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[referencing the ‘Antennagate’ press conference] I wish we could have done this in the first 48 hours, but then you wouldn’t have had so much to write about.
Haha. Yeah, that’s Steve multi-tasking like the new iOS 4 … cracking a joke while back-handing the media. Funny guy … sure to take Letterman’s time slot soon.

Looking at the data, we don’t think we have a problem … there is no ‘Antennagate’.
Don’t have a problem? Your revolutionary iPhone 4 only works properly with a case on it. Says to your girlfriend, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have syphilis. But don’t worry, I’ve got condoms. On me. No charge.”

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It doesn’t seem like a good thing if you can touch your phone in a certain way and it loses signal.
Really?!? No shit Mister Obvious! Wait, what … are you saying there is a problem? But didn’t you just say “we don’t think we have a problem”? So you do have a problem? No … wait … what were we talking about again?

We’re not perfect.
Although nothing really revolutionary or magical about it … Best. Steve Jobs Quote. Ever! (see Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed)

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Only $495 Gets You This Classic Read From Amazon – plus Recap Week Of July 12


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Ad-Krapps-170x170 In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 12: Spanking The Donkey – We’re Still Talking About An iPhone Game, Right?

July 13: Medical Ailment Linked To iPhone 4 [Comic Strip]

July 14: iPhone Born In The Jungles Of Guatemala, Not Cupertino (Video Proof)

July 15: The iPhone Can Now Make Your Breasts Bigger – Pissed Off Boob Job Surgeons Demand Recall

July 16: “F*ck” Now Allowed In The App Store – Al Pacino Soundboard Proves It Repeatedly

July 17: Dig Dug iPhone iOS 4 Wallpaper [Download]

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Recommended Reading – For IDIOTS!

Since you’re here, you probably know what we’re all about … KRAPPS = Crap Apps … the stupid, strange, whacky and weird of the App Store. Penis enlargers, baby killers, underage porn, etc.

But after seeing this next item, we’re thinking … screw the App Store, let’s start a site solely dedicated to all the shit Amazon sells. Like this $495 book … The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China … which isn’t really even a book, it’s a five hundred dollar PDF download about the future Chinese crappers – WTF?!?

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Make sure you read Amazon’s product page and customer reviews for this sack of suck … worth way more than $495, it’s priceless!

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