Title: Ringr Roulette
welcome KROQ listeners! you know the magic word … jump on your FREE app now!
John Ellis has a twisted sense of humor. He’s the guy who sets you up on a fugly blind date … buys your baby boy a “Hung Like A Five Year Old” onesie … thinks rock is dead because paper killed it … burns ants with a magnifying glass … wore a tuxedo t-shirt to his high school prom … is obsessed with Punk’d, Jackass and Viva La Bam.
Although twisted, John is a talented iPhone app developer and founder of Dove Valley Apps. Dove Valley released a very solid My Tag Show app … but their other offering – Ringr Roulette… well, it’s not exactly Google Earth material. John’s twisted humor was at it again – more on that later.
It’s a well known fact that most people suffer from Liquid Courage. You know … drink too much beer, wine, margaritas, etc … and suddenly you are attempting to score with hotties way out of your league, getting tattoos or thinking you’re a bad ass UFC fighter like Randy Couture. Another side effect of Liquid Courage is Drunk Dialing … making phone calls while intoxicated to ex-boyfriends/girlfriends or guys/girls you want to hook up with … bad idea! To help curb your drunk dialing urge – iPhone to the rescue – there are apps that will prevent you from dialing unless you can pass the programs built in sobriety test.
Now remember our friend “Twisted John”? He’s here to actually help you drunk dial … help you make an ass out of yourself … help you wake up the next morning and think “oh KRAPPS, what the hell did I do last night”. John’s brilliance gives every shit faced dumbass the ability to dial drunk dial … simply launch his Ringr Roulette app, shake your phone and boom … you are off to drunk dialing heaven. But John has some heart – he’s included a convenient “Chicken Out” button in case you’re really not that drunk … and the ability to program an “Exclude” list while you are sober, thus avoiding the drunk dial to your grandmother, priest, boss or parole officer at 3:00am. So no worries … have another beer … John’s got your back.
FREE Ringr Roulette to KRAPPS Viewers!
Twisted John was kind enough to provide KRAPPS ten promo codes which will allow our viewers to download Ringr Roulette for FREE. Be one of the first 10 readers to either leave a comment on this post or direct message KRAPPS via Twitter and we’ll email you the download code while supplies last.
The Funky-O-Meter app leverages the iPhone’s GPS functionality to retrieve funky places, thus allowing the user to visit these funky establishments and get their groove on. Users also have the ability to build and share their funky network by rating establishments based on a numerical Funkyness Factor.
I’m still not exactly sure what’s the app’s purpose (it kept crashing my iPhone), however one thing is certain – OLD people should not be developing or writing descriptions for apps. Terms like: Funky, Funkyness Value, Funky Meter, Un-Funky, Chill Potato, Get Funky … sorry, not clever and not the way to market your app. Come on guys … put down the bong, hit stop on the 8-track tape player spinning The Grateful Dead and step out of your El Camino… welcome to the year 2008. News Flash: funky is old – it farts dust – and it’s not cool (not to be mistaken with Funk music which is indeed cool – James Brown, George Clinton, War, etc.).
And for you continued pleasure, I’ll let the app’s description do the rest of the “talking”:
- How funky is it here?
- Wheres the nearest funky place?
- How do you keep funky dudes like me away from un-funky places?
We all wanna be hanging out where its most funky. So the funky-o-meter keeps you in-the-know with all thats funky and away from the just plain chilly and dull aka non-funky.
The funkyometer is a geo-tagging application, which allows users to tag locations and set funkyness values on a scale from 0 not Funky to 100 very Funky. Funky guys and gals like you and your friends determine whats hot and funky and whats not. The application will then calculate an areas total funky-ness rating – and point out the super funky or very un-funky places near you.
Its easy and fun to use!
So dont be a chill potato, man…. Go out there and Get Funky!
Title: Shake.Rock (for your great party)
Ok, this one is such KRAPPS we don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start by reading the Shake Rock app’s description …
First of all, if you decide to sell an app in the American iTunes Store, make sure your description makes some effing sense.
“You will be shinning in your fiends” - shinning = climb & fiend = devil … so you will be climbing in your devil
“Choosing it quickly!” ??? “This program makes you” ??? … Shinning fiends quickly makes you ???… wtf … HELLO … American iTunes Store – hint, hint – speak ENGLISH … or spend some money and have someone translate this KRAPPS for you.
Second, maybe we are not cool or hip enough, but WTF is a Party Logo and why do we need one? We’ve been to our fair share of parties and clubs throughout the years – never once saw someone displaying a Party Logo. Do chicks dig Party Logos? Will a Party Logo get you free drinks? VIP lounge access? English As A Second Language classes?
Third, we’re not sure, but we think we figured out how to make this app work … so you select the Party Logo category and then shake your iPhone … a Party Logo sort of appears, then disappears, then it seems to freeze your iPhone, then it flickers, then the screen goes blank … huh??? … hell, try it for yourself – if you are 100% sure you figured it out, let us know – we are dying to flash our bitching Party Logo next time we go out clubbing.
And finally, this app was released on Oct 25 for $3.99 … $3.99!!! … who in their right effing mind would buy this app for 4 bones and why the eff would 6tags.com (the developer) think people would buy it??? Shake.Rock (for your great party) is a KRAPPS name, it doesn’t work, no one needs a Party Logo and the app’s description sounds like it was written by someone totally hammered … yeah, 4 bones makes a lot of sense. No wonder the app has ZERO customer reviews as it probably has ZERO sales. But 6tags.com is genius, on Nov 11 they lowered the price to 99 cents … brilliant .. NOT … still ZERO customer reviews. So then the price was lowered yet again on Dec 5 to FREE. Attention Apple and 6tags.com … stop the KRAPPS … make the App Store a safer place … shinning fiends (aka “climbing devils”) are evil … exorcise Shake.Rock (for your great party) app quickly … BEGONE!
This is the first time I came across an app and was absolutely floored by its total stupidity. Even the infamous I Am Rich app had some marketing brilliance. But the Amulet app is something special … zero redeeming qualities. At first, the name struck me as odd. Reading Amulet’s lengthy description, each sentence transported me deeper into Bizzaro World, exactly like the Seinfeld episode. “WTF” – I thought – “is this guy for real?” Well, one good thing came out of discovering the Amulet app, I learned that an amulet is an object that protects a person from trouble … bizzaro! To this day I still cannot determine if Amulet was published as a joke or a serious app, perhaps targeting the hip-hop likes of Lil’ Wayne.
Rather than continuing with my rhetoric, I will leave you the distinct pleasure of experiencing Bizzaro World and reading Amulet’s absolutely amazing and amusing description. If you can bear the entire read, you will be rewarded by learning how to create your own iPhone neckholder … bizzaro!
Wear your iPhone or iPod touch like jewelery. Use a neckholder and let Amulet display the most splendid adornment. The application comes with a variety of virtual jewels and unusual decoration to express your mood. Keep it diffident or showy but always peculiar. You can configure Amulet to match your clothes even take a photo and adapt the jewelery to fit your personal style. Amulet is the uncommon attention getter for extraordinary occasions.
This first version of Amulet features nearly 20 peaces of jewelery, flowers, animals and insects to be carried around your neck. Gentle colour effects and animations purfle Amulets jewelery. More artwork will be available in further versions including video support and motion sensitivity.
-7 pieces of jewelery
No neckholder at hand? Here is a little manual to build your own with as much as no effort.
First: Get yourself an ordinary sixpack of water, juice or whatever sorry but beer wont do and cut the handle in two halfs. Carefully tear of one half.
Second: Fold the non sticky part of the handle to stick to the glue strip. Use a puncher to make a hole to put the cord through.
Third: Attach the glue strip to the back of your iPhone. It is best to first clean the iPhone with some glass cleaner to make the strip glue even harder.
We tried it and it works all right.
testing … testing … is this thing on?
hello? is there anyone out there? hello?
(first the Free stuff)
Welcome to KRAPPS and congrats, you are reading our inaugural post. To celebrate this historic event, FREE STICKERS! We are giving away high quality vinyl KRAPPS stickers which you can proudly display on your laptop, skateboard, notebook, car or whatever. We’ll even pick up the postage to make this promotion totally free. To get your free sticker (sorry, a hoop to jump through) > >>
No Twitter account? Open one now! Twitter is awesome and simple to use (even Shaq twitters). Click here for easy to follow instructions about how to set up a Twitter account from Twitip. Once you establish your account, go to twitter.com/KRAPPS … click the “Follow” button underneath the “KR” logo and you’re done. A simple process, less than 3 minutes.
(now the Freak stuff)
Some people are Starbucks freaks, some are Mac freaks. There are car freaks, music freaks, video game freaks, shoe freaks or just plain ol’ freaks. We at KRAPPS are iPhone freaks. We post messages to discussion boards like iLounge and MacRumors. We read everything iPhone related on sites like Gizmodo, Engadget, TechCrunch, Mashable, The Mobile Experience, etc. App review sites like iPhoneAlley, 148Apps and AppVee – got it covered. We just LOVE our iPhones and everything about it (yeah, we basically spend way too much time on iPhone related activities – whatever)!
iPhone apps are genius. Amazing stuff like Shazam, Pandora, Google Earth, Tap Tap Revenge, Texas Hold’em, etc. But sifting through the 10,000+ apps available, we are continually amazed at the number of KRAPPS … and that’s where we come in. We focus on the krazy side of apps … call ‘em fail apps – slacker apps – suck apps … KRAPPS. The whacky & weird, stupid & strange … KRAPPS … we look at functionality, descriptions, titles, icons, sounds, user reviews, etc … all aspects of an app are open to discretion and ultimately, your laughter.
For every Shazam there is a Respect My Authoriti … release Diaroogle (think diarrhea + Google), sorry getting KRAPPS is just a given … release the “wear your iPhone as a necklace” app – you deserved to by whooped upside your head.
not all apps are created equal
PS – if for some strange reason you want to learn more about us, click here.