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SmackDat – An Intimate iPhone Encounter
Although we engage in beatdowns of various apps, we still love our iPhone! It can blow stuff … keep us out of jail … heck, we can even get all hip-hop and wear it as a pimpin’ necklace. But no matter how crazy we are about the iPhone, we will literally not … get crazy.
Seriously, what is with people these days. Just last week, some dude named Sal married Nene Anegasaki. Which is all fine and dandy, except Miss Anegasaki is a freaking video game character! Sal married his virtual girlfriend from the Nintendo DS game, Love Plus. Two words … you eeediot!
Then there are all those creepy iPhone apps which simulate intimate encounters with a woman. With the Kisscomi app, you can kiss a virtual iPhone girl … while the Genie In A Bottle app lets you grope her.
We thought these apps were disturbing until we came across the SmackDat app …
Well we knew the developer was high after just reading the first twelve words of the app’s description …
“SmackDat is a fun, hip way to become intimate with your iPhone”
Huh, it’s hip to be intimate with your iPhone? Uh no dude, it’s f&%cking gross to be intimate with your iPhone … whether you use one or multiple fingers … being intimate with your iPhone is just plain wrong.
“You phone is your new valentine”
Seriously dude, WTF … advice – get your head examined! What the hell kind of an app did you develop? We are very afraid and wouldn’t even smack dat with someone else’s unit.
Hmmm … looking back at it now … guess we actually don’t mind dicknose Sal or Kisscomi or Genie In A Bottle. Pretty normal stuff compared to SmackDat because at least these examples involve a pretend girl. SmackDat is just flippin’ psycho because there’s not even a make believe hot chick in the equation … just you getting your freak on with the iPhone.
Argh – bad mental image! Ok, gotta go … think we’re going to be sick!
Recap: Week Of November 23
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 23: Virtual Girlfriend App Sleeps With You – Literally!
November 24: “Boobs” – The App Store’s New Buzzword
November 25: A Homeless Transvestite Keeps The App Store Weird
November 26: Stuff We Are Thankful For – Uterus, Roadkill, Fists In Mouths & More
November 27: Hamster Beats All Humans In Reebok iSprint Race [plus video]
November 28: Mindless Tap Application Seeds Innovation In Youth
Mindless Tap Application Seeds Innovation In Youth
Last month, we wrote an article called … “Man Taps iPhone 844,683 Times Proving Life Is Overrated” … featuring the Million Tap Challenge app. Unlike most iPhone games (or any game for that matter) where some thought, skill or luck come into play … Million Tap Challenge is the ultimate slacker pastime. The goal is to tap your iPhone one million times.
We continued the story by analyzing the game’s leaderboard (yes, there’s a global leaderboard which ranks losers players worldwide) and concluded that the loser individual in first place with 844,683 taps spent 4 days … nonstop 24/7 … tapping their iPhone. Conclusion = idiot – get a life!
But hold on … are we really being fair? Does Million Tap Challenge provide some educational value? Perhaps some life lesson? Does playing it really make you a dumbass? Huh? – are you for real – you tap a screen one million times … there’s no value, no lesson … just mindless garbage that indeed makes you a moron.
But we will admit this … the Million Tap Challenge can lead to innovation. Why’s that? Well check out this true story from a KRAPPS viewer (yes, this is true … we received an email with pictures and video … LMAO).
Some 15-year-old dude downloaded Million Tap Challenge with one goal in mind … to cheat! He wanted to register one million taps … without ever touching his iPhone. He got a sausage – attached it to an electric drill – taped the drill so it was locked in the “On” position – mounted and taped down the iPhone … thus giving birth to an electric tapping machine with a sausage interface.
But just as the Wright Brothers failed numerous times before their first flight, alas the electric drill method sucked. The torque of the drill kept thrashing the sausage and the battery life of the cordless drill was on par with the iPhone – it blows. But a second attempt proved successful … a motorized golf caddy with the same sausage interface.
What a wonderful story about a revolutionary idea … sausages and humanity finding common ground. Big thanks to Million Tap Challenge for seeding innovation in our youth.
Hamster Beats All Humans In Reebok iSprint Race [plus video]
Unlike the “hot chick taking her clothes off” app from their sportswear competitor Puma … Reebok International decided to create an app closer to its business core … Reebok iSprint [iTunes – FREE].
Basically this is a finger sprint app … but totally pimped out by Reebok with an awesome feature set not typically found in free iPhone apps :
> Four different tracks to race on
> Realistic starting blocks and starter’s gun game sounds
> Online scoreboards with global rankings (current day, current week, all-time)
> One and two player modes for head-to-head races on two iPhones
> Twitter functionality
The peer-to-peer multiplayer mode is way cool … plus if you’re competitive freaks like us, the global ranking is both a blessing and a curse. It’s kickass to get your name and score on the leaderboard, but you’ll get totally hooked and play iSprint non-stop.
But we must warn you though … if you are looking to set a Reebok iSprint world record, sucks for you. There is a rodent who specializes in putting up insane iSprint times. Yup, a RODENT … a freaking HAMSTER! This little shit is like the Usain Bolt in iSprint world. He goes by the name of Harold and has clocked a world’s best of 3.86 seconds (yes, Harold passed the post-race drug test, so his time is totally legit). Don’t believe us … well then check out Harold’s record breaking video below … dude is amazing!
Stuff We Are Thankful For – Uterus, Roadkill, Fists In Mouths & More
It is customary here in the United States that at the start of Thanksgiving dinner, each person at the table takes a turn saying what they are thankful for. Far be it from us to disrespect and poop on tradition, so we’ll jump right in and state what we are thankful for this Thanksgiving Day.
Giant Uterus Pillow
There’s something comforting and soothing about cuddling up with an oversized uterus pillow. Maybe it’s a primal thing … but it just makes us feel oh so good.
Road Kill Stuffed Animals
Some people collect Star Wars memorabilia, others collect baseball cards. We pride ourselves in collecting road kill plush. They’re unique, a thing of beauty and an excellent conversation starter – “Hey baby, wanna come upstairs and see my road kill toy collection?”
Motorized Ice Cream Cone Holder
We love eating ice cream, but frankly, it sucks to eat it off a cone. You get the drips, leans, splats … and the whole “lick and rotate” method is a pain in the ass. Stick out tongue, press button, eat ice cream … what could be greater than this?
Hot Chicks With Fists In Their Mouths.com
There’s always a special place in our hearts for a chicks who can shove their fists in their mouths … a God-given talent which we truly appreciate.
Apple, The iPhone & App Developers
Let’s be real – no Apple, no iPhone, no App Developers = no KRAPPS. Argh … da horror! So even though Apple has boatloads of issues with the App Store, approval process and general iPhone related stuff … without the iPhone platform and the genius developers who crank out those crap apps … KRAPPS would be nothing more than an unemployed mime.
YOU!
But most of all, we are thankful for you … our loyal KRAPPS viewers. With hundreds of iPhone sites to choose from, we are honored you hang out in our little corner of the Internet. <wiping tear from eye> The response to KRAPPS over the past 11 months has been tremendous … and we cherish every one of your visits and will strive to continue serving only the crappiest of what the App Store has to offer.
Have a great Thanksgiving – YOU ROCK!
A Homeless Transvestite Keeps The App Store Weird
You know the iPhone is kicking ass and taking names when every celebrity and their mother have a dedicated app. Just last week … pop star turned super mom (?), Britney Spears, released her “It’s Britney” app. The God among men, David Hasselhoff, gives Hoffilicious advice with his “Ask The Hoff” app. Download “I Am T-Pain” and you will be rapper T-Pain. Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, Lady Gaga, Lance Armstrong … heck, even Pope Benedict XVI endorses an iPhone app.
But all these celebrity apps pale in comparison to the most epic celebrity app ever know to mankind … iLeslie.
What could be greater than having 24/7 access to Leslie Cochran? Reading iLeslie’s description makes our knees wobble … pure exhilaration:
The iLeslie application is a select collection of funny short sayings by Leslie as well as two longer interviews with a special message from Leslie.
Be still my beating heart – WOW! Short sayings and a special message from Leslie for only $4.99 … uh, bargain of the millennium, hello!
Whoa, whoa, whoa … what did you say? “Who is Leslie Cochran and why should I care?” Dude, come on … let’s go! Here … read the iLeslie app description and become enlightened …
Hailing from the capital of Texas, world headquarters of Dell Inc., home of the University of Texas Longhorns … a homeless transvestite who catapulted him/herself into stardom. And now his/her crowning achievement (fitting, eh?) … Leslie’s own iPhone app. LOL … screw Britney – what’s the point of being T-Pain – Pope Shmope … homeless transvestite dude is the only celebrity app your iPhone will ever need.
And bless you Austin, Texas … with your slogan of “Keep Austin Weird” … exactly the kind of inspiration the App Store needs. Hmmm, come to think of it … a bangin new Apple slogan – “Keep The App Store Weird”.
“Boobs” – The App Store’s New Buzzword
We see a lot of crappy apps … hence our name. But on the flip side, we know which apps work. Obviously besides having a solid idea (like the app which makes your iPhone blow air), your app must be positioned properly with an intriguing name and description. Without these key marketing elements, chances are consumers will pass right over your app and move on to one of the other 99,999 offerings.
For example, the “HiCalc Winner Of Best Calculator In The 2007 PPC Magazine Awards” app clearly is a name fail … an app’s title should be clear and concise, no need to hand out awards. Or the classic “Get You A Chinese Name And Beautiful Handwritten Signature” app … sucks when developers suffer from dyslexia and use the app’s description as a title.
But even though there are numerous title bloopers in the App Store, lately we’ve seen some brilliant examples of effective names. We’d like to share a few of these gems with you. First off … the Big Boobs app.
As we stated, an app’s name should be clear and concise. Two words – “Big” and “Boobs” … just perfect – app title nirvana. Heck, with a name like that, who needs a description.
Seems it would be tough to top Big Boobs … but indeed there is a name that is more epic than Big Boobs … the Epic Boobs app.
Now Epic Boobs is an interesting case study. First launched as Epic Bosoms, the app was unsuccessful in attracing enough male eyeballs (go figure). A focus group was conducted and it was determined that the word “bosoms” just seemed to motherly … in a breastfeeding type of way. Qualitative research suggested replacing the word “Bosoms” with “Boob” and the rest is history. And as an extra precautionary measure … the Epic Boobs’ description really drives the point home – “This is an amazing collection of only the most awesome sets of females breasts” … yup, crystal clear.
Of course it’s common knowledge that two sets of boobs are better than one. And to win the boob volume prize, one must think outside the box … like the Boobs² app.
Just look at that description … “A colossal photo collection of only the best, fullest and largest sets of female breasts” … it’s pure business genius. However Boobs² has left the door wide open for competition … quick, someone and release Boobs∞.
Finally, please note … although it may seem that in order to create a legendary iPhone app, one must include the word “boobs” in the title. This is certainly not a prerequisite … as the Adult Boobs And Butts app clearly proves boobs are not the only thing that attract attention. And yes, this is 100% legal … these are ADULT boobs and ass (in case there was any confusion).
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