(editor’s note: no … this is not a phone sex app … carry on)
Ok, let’s be honest … we could all use a little help meeting someone of the opposite sex. Well unless you are that 30-year-old, still living in your parents’ house, working 20 hours a week at Best Buy for minimum wage while your mom washes and folds your clothes. Heck, we understand your goals … being locked in your room, socializing with your online “friends” playing non-stop World of Warcraft … yeah baby, that’s nice! But for the rest of us, a little help in the Love and Sex department never hurts … right? Come on … be real!
Of course you could go take you chances with the loaded gun Russian Roulette method of eHarmony or Match.com. And one scary Russian deserves another … how about a Russian mail-order bride – yikes! Got ADD? – you’ll love meeting 25 potential partners in 25 seconds … do the Speed Dating thing and make your head bleed.
Look … back away from your Green Card seeking foreign BrideZilla. Help is just a touch away on your iPhone with the SEX-A-MA-PHONE app [iTunes]. Oh sure there are other “flirty hook-up” apps … but you’ll be cooler with SEX-A-MA-PHONE … it’s not just an app, it’s a social lubricant (we like that phrase). This sucker reeks of quality. Phenomenal graphics and this sci-fi time machine vibe going on – fancy gauges, mechanical switches, a glass chamber … even comes with a flux capacitor … hot chick’s love flux capacitors!
And SEX-A-MA-PHONE is so freaking easy to use … even WoW geeks could use it if they ever decide to crawl out of their bedrooms. Select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, blow into the mouthpiece … this will set the device in motion (which is a bitching sight unto itself) … ultimately spitting out a reading from the results wheel. With 128 unique results like … Shag-a-delic, McDreamy, Hot Tamale, Man Whore, Porn Star, Dr. Love, Wicked Hot, Ball Buster, Babe-o-licious, Really a dude, Goddess, etc. … you’ve broken the ice and opened the door for magical romance (or a drink poured on your head).
SEX-A-MA-PHONE comes with a killer hidden feature which enables you to guarantee a result. Say you want to meet this hottie – last thing you want is for hottie to get a “Warning: Causes Blue Balls!” reading. So on the main screen, before you select the “Guy” or “Girl” option, touch the valve on the far right side – the valve rotates 90 degrees and always produces a positive outcome. Want to screw with a friend? Touch the same valve twice quickly – the valve rotates 45 degrees and always produces a negative results. The valve resets to its default position once you go back to the main screen. Use this feature wisely … it’ll give you superhuman powers … don’t be a dick and abuse these powers, it gives us superhumans a bad rap.
So next time you dork-up trying to approach that hot chick or total stud, get the Cojones Machine –> SEX-A-MA-PHONE … guaranteed to give you the cojones to break the ice.
Fine … there are no guarantees in life (yeah, yeah – death and taxes – whatever) … but
SEX-A-MA-PHONE is the closest thing you’ll get to a guaranteed flirty ice-breaker social lubricant (either that or massive amounts of shits and giggles amongst your friends). Heck, if it worked for that poor old country bastard Clem and his mangy hairless dog,
SEX-A-MA-PHONE [iTunes] should be a slam dunk for the rest of you!
SEX-A-MA-PHONE … the 99 cent Cojones Machine