Are you tired of the same old missionary position? Do you lay there like a dead fish? Are you daydreaming of the upcoming final season of Lost instead of focusing on the love making at hand?
Well no worries! iPhone to the rescue (was there even a doubt – this device can do anything), there’s an app for that …Sex Position (think of it as Pandora for banging).
With its screaming headline, “COME TOGETHER IN NEW WAYS FOR A BETTER LIFE!” (no pun intended with “screaming” and “come”, right? – hmmm, isn’t that a vodka shot with Bailey’s and Kahlua?) … Sex Position turns your iPhone into a virtual sex therapist.
Quite handy if you think about it … pictures and instructions that guide each partner in the position. And please sicko, get your mind out of the gutter … there is no cartoon or stick figure porn … graphics are to instruct and not to titillate – no sexy pictures (sorry, we were getting way to titillated by the faceless humping human glob images on display in iTunes and thus decided to censor).
And how genius is this … a Position Selector tool which allows you and your partner complete control of your shagging session! Just enter the desired Energy Level (movement in intercourse) from rabbit to sloth … then the Complexity Of The Position from Russian ballerina to so fat you have more rolls than a bakery … now enter Who’s On Top … then Freedom To Kiss, Touch, Hold, See Your Partner (you have other options besides a paper bag) … and finally, Comfort And Orgasm Strength from farting ant to freight train.
Your data is then electronically delivered to a MIT doctorate student for extensive data and statistical analysis …. bivariate associations, circumambulations, loglinear analysis, etc. After about five minutes of number crunching, the MIT student sends the resulting sex position back to your iPhone. Although some users have complained about a curb in spontaneity, the resulting sex position is typically worth the wait.
But just a word of caution! If that MIT mensa suggests the “Standing Tiger / Crouching Dragon” position … WATCH OUT! We tore knee ligaments attempting this maneuver and will only be able to select Woman On Top positions for the next 6 weeks.