Melt Away Your Snotcicles With The iPhone

Snotcicle-FINAL BRRR … it’s January … the middle of winter … and it’s freaking cold! (unless of course you’re in Australia, enjoying the awesome 80 degree summer weather … screw you) It’s so cold that Tiger Woods is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm … the inmates are begging for the electric chair … and our balls have become ovaries. Baby, it’s cold!

So besides setting your house on fire or getting a fever … what can you do to keep warm? Simple. Remember your $300 iPhone? Apple says it’s revolutionary … and it really is … because now with the help of two new apps, the iPhone can melt those snotcicles away.



Genius! Developers know that the iPhone already heats up when running certain programs, so might as well build an app which simply uses 100% of the CPU and market it as a battery drainer … errr … hand warmer. Yes, you too can look like a complete idiot by tucking a couple of iPhones in your gloves during your next ski trip for the most expensive hand warmers ever. Then again, folks buy $300 True Religion jeans … who are we to mock a $300 hand warmer?

But while iHandwarmer sounds great … what if you need to crank out a bit more BTU’s? Like if you want to heat up your house or make toast. Then you got to go with the finest in iPhone cookers …

Pocket Heat



Now that’s what we’re talking about … a freaking portable heater. TOASTY! Hey, if it’s so cold outside that the Chicken Ranch is charging 50 bucks just to blow on your hands … then buy Pocket Heat and put the $49 savings towards another menu item.

Oh wait … Pocket Heat is a half-gimmick / half-real app. It’s not an actual space heater. Well thank you Mister Obvious. What gave us away … the “I’m With Dumbshit” t-shirt our friend is wearing? You almost had us! The iPhone is a space heater … you funny Michael P. Austin … you funny. Next thing you know we’ll be reading headline news of how the iPhone saved some lost hikers from freezing to death.