Statistics show that nearly 85% of all people suffer from a wart at least once in their life. Warts are fugly, irritating and can be painful … especially genital warts, which are highly contagious. Additional details are way gross, so we’ll spare you the details, but simply put … warts suck!
And getting rid of warts can be a bigger bitch than actually having them. You could try Compound W, burning them off with liquid nitrogen or with minor surgery. Not exactly pleasant remedies … yeah, warts suck!
Today we have great news about getting rid of those disgusting bumps … your iPhone can do it. Apple has approved the Wart Healer app … hooray! The secret behind Wart Healer is mental healing … we shit you not. Just read the app’s description below … “behind Wart Healer is a professional mental healer who specializes in long distance wart healing” (mental note – get new job as a long distance wart healer).
WOW! For a mere $12.99 (a freaking bargain) … a long distance mental healer will get rid of your warts!
So you might be thinking … how does this long distance mental wart healing thing work? Glad you asked … because Wart Healer provides the answers. It has something to do with a spiritual level … the person’s energy … the moon’s decreasing phase … and a picture of the actual wart (don’t be embarrassed if you’re trying to heal a genital wart … Wart Healer is a professional service and your wanker will not appear on some fetish porn site).
Now hopefully you read the above statement carefully. No need to freak out if your warts don’t fall off immediately … it can take up to 111 days (very precise numbers) until first effects are visible.
Although Wart Healer is easy to use … it is imperative you follow the steps below (paying attention to the moon’s next decreasing phase) …
So how do you like them long distance healers? Yeah … pretty awesome and not a joke either. Apple has approved and classified Wart Healer as a medical application, so obviously they tested it and Wart Healer works!
One thing to note however … the $12.99 purchase price includes the removal of one wart. If your friends call you “Lumpy”, additional warts can be removed via in-app purchase.
Who would have ever thought the iPhone could cure warts. It’s so revolutionary that you can’t make this shit up. Thank you Mr. Jobs … you make our penises very happy.