Ever hear of this character, Ronaldo? He’s one of those uber-cool pricks who is commonly known by one name. Dude plays for the Spanish soccer club Real Madrid and is the highest paid soccer player in the world … $16.5 million per year. Not to mention the bastard is drop dead gorgeous, every chick digs him and he even has his own iPhone game, Ronaldo Soccerade Freestyle.
Screw pretty rich boy and his iPhone game … we have our own game. We’re going to run onto the field during the World Cup and start beating all the players over the head with a golf club. We’ll pound those stupid soccer pukes so hard they’ll all die … and the best part, we’ll be butt naked during our mass murder … YEAH!
Sounds psycho? Why sure … but it’s ok … this is an Apple approved gaming activity called Super Streaker Pro.
LMAO … now this is a lovely game! Carrying on the fine tradition of crazy bitch soccer fans (throwing urine bags, being shitfaced, starting fights, etc.), Super Streaker is a third person 3D shooting game where the player runs onto a soccer field killing World Cup players. You can either bash their brains out with a golf club, slice them up with a beer bottle, nuke ‘em with an A bomb or choose other weapons of destruction. Oh … and the best part … all this mass murders is done in the nude.
And please, don’t even think these are random generic slayings … oh no! Super Streaker allows the racist inside you to really come alive … kill Americans, Mexicans, Koreans, Italians or other nations participating in World Cup 2010.
If Super Streaker sounds over-the-top .. it is … a lot! Blood, guts, violence, gore … with a big dose of bare ass, just to be sure maximum shock value is achieved. But look … don’t even get offended by the graphic nature of Super Streaker … Apple has our back, protecting us from looking at girls in bikinis. And come on, what’s wrong with a little homicide … it’s fun to imitate this real life headline, “Fan Kills Iraqi Soccer Player As He Kicks Potential Tying Goal.” *facepalm*
Deep in the bowels of an Apple Store, inside some random suburban shopping mall, a mysterious legend known as Monkey Boy is up to something befitting his name.
A Monkey Boy sighting – the legend continues …
(via Tabloid Prodigy)
Multitasking, folders, unified inbox, home screen wallpaper, etc. … MEH … the best part of iOS 4 are stupid iPhone tricks – Stretchy Heads …
(more stupid iPhone tricks at Mike Monteiro)
A Cultural Guide To Flipping The Bird
Flipping the bird means one thing … F*CK YOU … or does it? Crank up the middle finger to some French a-hole and you’ll likely get a blank stare followed by a laugh … cuz it don’t mean shit in France. So before you take your next international journey, brush up on the local customs and learn the proper way to give that dicknose local the finger.
[click image to view full size]
In follow-up to our Apple’s Ass-Kissing Public Relations FAIL article … we have to share this next incident. Yesterday we visited an Apple Store and noticed an employee talking to prospective iPhone 4 buyers. Swear to God … this dude was giving instructions on how to properly hold iPhone 4 so it doesn’t lose reception. He goes on saying, “you’ll eventually get used to it” … and took the opportunity to cross-sell the $29 Bumper. What’s even more amazing … people were buying into this bullshit. They were practicing the pinch-and-hold technique, looking like absolute morons. LMAO – WTF … folks are like iZombies when it comes to Apple … they’ll believe and do whatever Apple and Steve Jobs says – not surprising, but really freaking sad.
Anyways, the iPhone 4 death grip story really took off yesterday … with Steve Jobs’ moronic email reply taking center stage … it’s not our fault, you’re holding it wrong. Reiterations of the Jobs response were all over the Internet … and some renditions were quite hysterical. Below are a few our favorite “Ur Doing It Wrong” interpretations.
(via KRAPPS reader @JamesChevalier)
(via David Cole)
We often wonder what it would be like to work for Steve Jobs at Apple (well, not really … we just thought this sounded like a good opening line). Sit around … kiss Steve’s ass … Yes Men only need apply. Take for example the latest brown-nosing incident … iPhone 4 reception issues.
So basically some bizarre shit is going on with iPhone 4 when you hold it like a normal person. Seems that iPhone 4 can’t pick up signals when you’re holding it in your hand as the metal band around the phone is the antenna … and touching the antenna jacks everything up … as in, you lose reception. For complete details, check out Gizmodo’s excellent write-up.
Anywhoo … an iPhone 4 user emailed Steve Jobs about the problem and received a concise reply, “just avoid holding it in that way” Jobs said.
Seriously Steve? Your the CEO of the world’s most valuable technology company and that’s your response? Let’s see … we spent half a day on Apple’s crashing website trying to pre-order iPhone 4 … stood another five hours in line to pick it up … ate top ramen for a month to save enough money. And now when we hold iPhone 4 like any normal person would, it doesn’t work … and you tell us … Don’t Hold It That Way? FFFFUUUU – DON’T MAKE IT THAT WAY BIATCH!
But the beauty of Steve’s email response is Apple’s public relations department … the Yes Men … “Hey Steve, that’s a great explanation – as usual, you’re a revolutionary and magical genius! Screw customer service … screw looking into the issue with any detail … we’ll make your email response Apple’s official company statement” … and so the Yes Men did. The official statement …
Gripping any mobile phone will result in some attenuation of its antenna performance, with certain places being worse than others depending on the placement of the antennas. This is a fact of life for every wireless phone. If you ever experience this on your iPhone 4, avoid gripping it in the lower left corner in a way that covers both sides of the black strip in the metal band, or simply use one of many available cases.
LMAO …. Don’t Hold It That Way … PR brilliance. But what’s even more idiotic are Apple’s iPhone 4 video promotions that show users holding it the
right wrong way. Check out the ironic screenshots of Apple videos below, all available on Apple’s website.
But look, don’t feel bad for holding iPhone 4 like a normal person … even Russian President Dimitry Medvedev had difficulties executing the new magical iPhone 4 grip.
[image courtesy of iPhone Savior]
We love Steve Wozniak! While it could be really easy for the co-founder of Apple to be an arrogant, self-righteous prick … on the contrary … Woz is a level-headed, down-to-earth man of the people who is totally cool, likeable and approachable.
Take for instance today, June 23 … the eve of the iPhone 4 launch … where’s Woz?
Well around 5:00PM, Woz jumped into his Prius and drove to Parth Dhebar’s home. Who is this Parth character, Wozniak’s new assistant? Nope … Parth is just a normal kid … a high school junior and the creator of the excellent iPhone app review site Simple-Reviews.com. Woz met Parth while camping out on April 2 in front of an Apple Store … waiting overnight to be one of the first to purchase the magical iPad. Woz and Parth remained in contact and thought it would be cool to carry on their traditional camping trip.
[editor’s note: hold on … WTH is all that crap to the left of Woz’s dashboard? …. seriously Woz, how many freaking GPS systems do you really need?]
So like we said, Woz drove to Parth’s home … picked him up … and gave him a ride to the Apple Store inside the Valley Fair Mall in Santa Clara, CA. They are now both waiting overnight to become day one proud owners of the iPhone 4 when they go on sale Thursday, June 24 at 7:00AM. Too freaking cool!
Of course Woz doesn’t have to go through the trouble of waiting over 12 hours in line for the latest iDevice … but the dude freaking rocks … he just enjoys hanging out with fellow MacHeads, signing autographs, riding his segaway inside the mall and waiting to become an early adopter – just like the rest of us Apple zombies. Gotta love it!