Small Penis? Male Size App Will Make You Feel Better About It!

We know what you’re thinking … “what kind of whack job title is that? – my the revolutionary iPhone makes me “smaller” members (no pun intended) of the population feel good about my their penis? WTF!” Ok look, we don’t make this shit up (we couldn’t – even if we tried) … all our content is Apple-approved material. Apple said the iPhone changes everything and now that includes the way you fancy your penis … Male Size.

male-size-title

male-size-1

According to Male Size developer Seligman Ventures Ltd, studies have shown that males underestimate the size of their penis … meaning that  relaxed dick of yours is really larger than 555 million penises worldwide. And that’s the whole key to Male Size … 555 MILLION cocks. Seems like a really big number – seems like your 2½ inch flaccid penis is larger than HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of dicks … and that’s nice – makes you feel good! Or that 5 inch erection … that’s an impressive boner too. Bigger than ONE HUNDRED MILLION hard-on’s … yipeee!

male-size-2  male-size-3

But alas Male Size is not a complete miracle worker. There comes a point where teeny tiny meets itsy bitsy … no app can make you feel better about a pencil dick. If your limp biscuit is under 2 inches or you sport wood below 4½ inches … sucks to be you.

male-size-4  male-size-5

We spoke Seligman Ventures about their one-of-a-kind application, specifically if they plan to support Male Size going forward. And great news … the developers are totally committed to small dicks and Male Size version 2.0 will include a handy in-app ruler. You just need to launch Male Size – touch the ruler button – whip out your …

STOP! Too Much Information! Disturbing Mental Images!

We keep picturing those poor bastards in Apple’s app approval department … testing the functionality of each app. Don’t even want to envision how they’ll go about reviewing Male Size’s penis ruler … ewww!

So moral of the story – big or small (well, especially small), lighten up on your dick and feel good about it! After all, it’s not easy being a penis … it hangs around with two nuts all the time – its next door neighbor is a real asshole – and even worse, his owner beats him!

July 22, 2010 | Filed Under Education | 13 Comments 

Feel The Need To Kill Yourself? Death Chug iPhone App Can Help!

Ever wonder how many of your favorite Starbucks coffees or Red Bull energy drinks it would take to kill you?

That’s the opening line from the new iPhone application … Death Chug (not a metal band).

death-chug-title

Hmmm, let’s ponder the question for a moment … have we ever wondered how many Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s it would take to kill us? Uh … NO. Safe to say we never thought about going on such an epic coffee binge that we would drop dead from a caffeine overdose.

But HOORAY … if we ever did turn emo and felt the need to kill ourselves with Starbucks, it’s comforting to know there’s an app for that. The beauty of Death Chug is that it makes ending your life so easy. Simply enter your weight … pick your poison … hit the submit button … and instantly Death Chug returns the exact number of drinks it would take to kill yourself based on U.S. Department of Health formulas … that’s nice!

death-chug-1  death-chug-2

Look, we get it … caffeine is bad for you – don’t drink a lot of it . And supposedly if we were ever stupid enough to consume 91 Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte’s in one sitting, we would die … deservingly so. But aside from providing scared straight tactics, our concern is with the glorious dumbshits of the world. Because you know damn well some dicknose frat boy will double dog dare an Appa iFonna Chi pledge to slam down 65 Monster’s … which according to Death Chug, will kill the 152 pound twerp.

iPhone + Death Chug  … dying has never been so convenient!

July 21, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 3 Comments 

Apple’s Only Black Employee Voices His Frustration With iPhone 4 [Video]

darnell-johnson Last month we featured two brilliant commercials for the iPhone 4 and iPad. The reason they’re so epic is because Apple did NOT produce them and thus do not include bullshit marketing spin.

Well the same folks are at it again … this time taking on “Antennagate” in their usual no-holds-barred approach …

”Blame AT&T, we didn’t invent the dropped call, they did.”

 

”We told you from the beginning that this changes everything … and that also includes how you hold the phone.”

 

“Black iPhone can’t do this, black iPhone drops my call – you know what, F*CK YOU people.”

And similar to camera guy in the last two videos, we absolutely love Apple’s only black employee, Darnell Johnson – dude brings up some very good points! What’s up with that?

 

[via iPhone Download Blog]

July 20, 2010 | Filed Under News | 1 Comment 

Top 10 Steve Jobs Quotes From iPhone 4 Antennagate Press Conference

Presenting the top ten Steve Jobs quotes from last week’s damage control iPhone 4 Antennagate press conference …

We love our users.
If we are “users”, “druggies”, “addicts” or “crackheads” … does that make Steve a “dealer”, “pusher”, trapstar” or “slinger”? Bravo … excellent choice of words.

antennagate-1

We love our users so much we’ve built 300 Apple retail stores for them.
What you really meant was “300 crackhouses”, right? But seriously dude … you love us so much that you would build Apple Stores … just for us? Nothing to do with a sales strategy or increasing revenue? Damn Steve, thank you … you’re swell!

I get a lot of email and my address is out there. I can’t reply to all of these emails — I have a day job. Some people post them on the web, which is kind of rude.
Does Steve really think his email responses will be kept private? If some geek receives a personal email from Jobs … logic dictates that said geek gets a hard-on and shares it with the world. Not to mention print, frame and hang it (the email, not hard-on). But even if we’re rude, we know you still love us … after all, you did build 300 Apple Stores just for us.

Q: How’s your health, Steve? How are you doing?
I’m fine! I was on vacation in Hawaii, but this was important enough to come back for.
Ok, who’s the kiss-ass asking this question … GRUBER? And LMAO … dude was in Hawaii on vacation. Sucks to be the short-straw guy placing that call, “Yes Mr. Jobs … you heard me correctly … things are a total clusterfuck right now and we have no other option than to puppet you in front of the media for damage control back here in Cupertino.” See Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed!

antennagate-4

Websites buy stolen prototypes and put ‘em on the web and we don’t care for that.
Three months later, still whining about Gizmodo? Geez, turn the page, shit happens. Doesn’t the CEO of the most powerful technology company have something better to worry about than Gawker Media?

And we didn’t bash down any doors! [referencing police breaking down the door of Gizmodo editor Jason Chen’s home during a raid] 
Oh look, we went to an Apple iPhone 4 press conference and a Gizmodo shitfest broke out.

antennagate-5

[referencing the ‘Antennagate’ press conference] I wish we could have done this in the first 48 hours, but then you wouldn’t have had so much to write about.
Haha. Yeah, that’s Steve multi-tasking like the new iOS 4 … cracking a joke while back-handing the media. Funny guy … sure to take Letterman’s time slot soon.

Looking at the data, we don’t think we have a problem … there is no ‘Antennagate’.
Don’t have a problem? Your revolutionary iPhone 4 only works properly with a case on it. Says to your girlfriend, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I have syphilis. But don’t worry, I’ve got condoms. On me. No charge.”

antennagate-2

It doesn’t seem like a good thing if you can touch your phone in a certain way and it loses signal.
Really?!? No shit Mister Obvious! Wait, what … are you saying there is a problem? But didn’t you just say “we don’t think we have a problem”? So you do have a problem? No … wait … what were we talking about again?

We’re not perfect.
Although nothing really revolutionary or magical about it … Best. Steve Jobs Quote. Ever! (see Steve pissed … pissed Steve, pissed)

antennagate-3

July 19, 2010 | Filed Under News | 2 Comments 

Only $495 Gets You This Classic Read From Amazon – plus Recap Week Of July 12

Ad-Krapps-170x170 In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 12: Spanking The Donkey – We’re Still Talking About An iPhone Game, Right?

July 13: Medical Ailment Linked To iPhone 4 [Comic Strip]

July 14: iPhone Born In The Jungles Of Guatemala, Not Cupertino (Video Proof)

July 15: The iPhone Can Now Make Your Breasts Bigger – Pissed Off Boob Job Surgeons Demand Recall

July 16: “F*ck” Now Allowed In The App Store – Al Pacino Soundboard Proves It Repeatedly

July 17: Dig Dug iPhone iOS 4 Wallpaper [Download]

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Recommended Reading – For IDIOTS!

Since you’re here, you probably know what we’re all about … KRAPPS = Crap Apps … the stupid, strange, whacky and weird of the App Store. Penis enlargers, baby killers, underage porn, etc.

But after seeing this next item, we’re thinking … screw the App Store, let’s start a site solely dedicated to all the shit Amazon sells. Like this $495 book … The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China … which isn’t really even a book, it’s a five hundred dollar PDF download about the future Chinese crappers – WTF?!?

amazon-crap

Make sure you read Amazon’s product page and customer reviews for this sack of suck … worth way more than $495, it’s priceless!

July 18, 2010 | Filed Under News, Recap | 2 Comments 

Dig Dug iPhone iOS 4 Wallpaper [Download]

Retro-Games-App-store Similar to Apple’s recent introduction of the Retro Games section in the App Store, we’ve accidentally on purpose began our own old school collection … Retro Games iPhone 4 iOS 4 wallpaper. But unlike most retro iPhone games, our collection won’t cost you a dime because we’re sharing our vintage nuggets for FREE.

Our home screen wallpaper collection started with Pac-Man (we went a little nuts and collected 9 different versions) … then Ms. Pac-Man … next up was Donkey Kong … and now, the latest addition to our family, the classic arcade game published by Namco in 1982 – Dig Dug.

dig-dug-on-iphone

We found this awesome Dig Dug iPhone wallpaper on Flickr, created by docrocketpop … poor thing was sitting there all alone, looking lost and sad … we just had to bring it home.

Dig Dug is 640×960 size for iPhone 4. Download directly to iPhone’s camera roll by touching the image, press and hold the image on its new page and select save. Enjoy!

Dig Dug iPhone Wallpaper

July 17, 2010 | Filed Under Games, News | 8 Comments 

“F*ck” Now Allowed In The App Store – Al Pacino Soundboard Proves It Repeatedly

profanity1 One of the many cool things about being an iPhone app developer is that you get to play by Apple’s rules. While this may sound like it sucks, it’s really quite exciting because you never know what rule Apple will change or enforce next. It’s like playing a game of baseball in which one inning you try and get 3 outs, then 7 outs, then whatever random number of outs the umpire dreams up next.

So there used to be a time in the App Store when Apple did not allow the F-Bomb. Apps like South Park and Nine Inch Nails’ Access were rejected due to what Apple deemed as “objectionable content” … basically explicit language … the F-Word.

But apparently all that has changed …  applications can now contain the word “fuck” and even better, App Store preview screenshots can broadcast “fuck” to visitors young and old. The “fucking” screenshots is another rule change by Apple … previously they were rejecting apps due to objectionable preview screenshots. Per an email from the iPhone App Review Team,

Application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating (no objectionable material) since these images are visible on the App Store by all users even when  purchasing is restricted by the application’s rating.

So how do we know about the “fucking” rule change? Nope – Apple did not hold a “fucking” press conference or distribute a “fucking” memo. In the exact same way most developers learn Apple’s rules … we just randomly stumbled upon the new “fucking” rule by downloading the Al Pacino Soundboard app [iTunes limited time FREE].

Al-Pacino-title

New rule #1 – can contain objectionable iPhone screenshots visible in the App Store …

New rule #2 – can contain explicit “fucking” language …

Al-Pacino-Screenshots

The Al Pacino Soundboard app features 158 Pacino sound clips from all his movies like The Godfather film trilogy, Scarface, The Devil’s Advocate and more. To say this app adheres to new rule #2 is an understatement … over 100 of the 158 audio clips contain some form of profanity with “fuck” taking center stage. Classic Pacino phrases like … “Fuck you” – “Fuck that shit” – and “Don’t fuck with me” are all there and so much “fucking” more.

Al-Pacino-1  Al-Pacino-2

So there you have it … if you are a “fucking” Pacino fan, REJOICE … Apple has once again randomly changed the rules and now approves “fucking” apps. But don’t “fuck” around …  download the Al Pacino Soundboard app [iTunes limited time FREE] now … because you never know when Apple will “fuck” with you and change their “fucking” rules yet again.

July 16, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 6 Comments 

« Previous Page — Next Page »