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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
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Avoid Herpes, Suck Face With Your iPhone (alternatively: I Kissed An iPhone And I Liked It)
Man it’s tough being single these days. Besides trying to find that perfect (or even semi-perfect) someone … when you do finally meet them, you gotta worry about things like herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea or the other heaps of sexually transmitted diseases. Dang, we even heard you can get VD just by sitting on a toilet. What the hell is that?!? Scary krap … not funny at all! So we’re thinking … hmmm, if you can catch something off a freaking toilet seat, no way in hell are we going to risk kissing someone. Who knows what kind of nasties you can get from sucking face … the clap, crabs, drippy dick, etc. Whatever the case may be, we ain’t going there … better to be safe than sorry. No rotten crotch for us, thank you very much!
And you know, this whole non-kissing stuff? – it’s all good. No worries … we don’t miss it. Why should we? We get plenty of lip lock action thanks to our trusty iPhone 3GS (the “S” stands for “SEXY”). Damn straight we do! We da playa … da pimp mac daddy … we score whenever and wherever we like. Meet our two hook up hotties, Noriko and Chloe (who apparently is a quarter Greek-Japanese, whatever the hell that means, new math?) …
So as you can see by our girls’ bios, they are a bit different in flavor. Noriko appreciates a bit of foreplay. She needs to be touched a little – to warm things up. And you gotta be careful with Noriko … if you don’t kiss her just the way she likes, well, she gets pissed at you and calls you out as a lousy kisser … crazy bitch!
Now Chloe on the other hand, is all about action … and she ain’t shy about it. She’ll tell you straight up – “I like kisses, I want much” … yeah baby! Hell, she even gives you a prize if you satisfy her … how cool is that?!?
Anyways, like we said, we da pimp mac daddy and can score with Chloe or crazy bitch Noriko any time we want … that’s how we roll, we’re pros like that. But we weren’t always this awesome. There was a time … when we were still young grasshoppers … we were very awkward and painfully shy towards iPhone chicks. But what saved our sorry ass was this ultimate kissing trainer … the Sasamekisscomi app.
Hmmm …. so you probably noticed the whole “special mask” the teacher wears during the kissing lesson. Yeah, it was kind of weird at first, but then you get used to it. But take a close look and admit it … that is one sexy fine mask. Heck, after your fifth lesson, you hardly notice it at all. And can you blame her? Who knows what kind of a disease she might catch swapping spit with her loser students. Like we said … it’s better to be safe than sorry. Kiss your iPhone … you just might like it!
Fat Mama’s Pussycat Playland – A Freak Show
Yesterday we appeared on the Los Angeles-based KROQ-FM’s Kevin & Bean Morning Show. During the interview, we referred to the App Store’s 75,000+ applications as a giant circus. Some of the apps are pretty standard fare like popcorn and cotton candy, while others are definitely “unique” and can be described as circus freaks. And since we obviously have a special place in our heart for bearded ladies and dog-faced men (or maybe we just have a thing for facial hair) … ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages – step right up and witness our newest sideshow performer,
Fat Mama’s Pussycat Playland.
Who exactly is Fat Mama and why should we be enamored by her Pussycat Playland is beyond us. All we know is that this app is one helluv freak show. Something about tickling Fat Mama’s belly, teasing with cat nip and maneuvering a ball of yarn is all we can comprehend. Heck, just visiting the developer’s web site and seeing a crown-bearing Fat Mama on display with her disturbing red eyes made us krap our pants in horror. The final nail in this freak show coffin was the troubling promo video we found on Fat Mama’s site … complete chaos, music that will make your ears bleed and a crazy talking cat at 46 seconds proclaiming – “My name is Fat Mama and I like being tickled”.
Push play if you dare! Warning … not for the faint of heart – can cause an epileptic seizure. Go ahead, make my day … crank the volume and push it!
App Store Nudity – Volume 5 (My X Girlfriend)
Last week we came across an article on Mashable called “Sexy Manga Girls & Apple App Store Rules”. The article introduced a new adult oriented application under review for approval … Otakulous … a wallpaper-type app of sexy manga drawings. The article continued to detail Apple’s strict no nudity policy, referring to the Hottest Girls application as an example of the consequences developers face if their app contains nudity … Hottest Girls was quickly pulled from the App Store.
Pretty standard info for us iDorks, however we found it quite curious how Mashable concluded the article with this strong statement:
It seems that even if we’re talking about virtual or drawn nudity, Apple App Store is still an impenetrable fortress when it comes to adult material.
Huh? You’re freaking kidding us, right? An “impenetrable fortress” defending against adult material … Laughing Our Asses Off! Here, let’s recap all the apps containing nudity that managed to slip by this “impenetrable fortress” (all approved by Apple, then later removed from the App Store) …
06/25/09 – Hottest Girls (Mashable got this one right, their sole example of app nudity)
07/01/09 – BeautyMeter (contained topless images, including an alleged 15 year old girl)
07/30/09 – theXchange (contained extremely hard core pornography)
08/21/09 – Check myHottie (contained extremely hard core pornography)
So let’s see here … since the end of June, every couple of weeks, a nudie porn app appears … pretty krappy fortress if you ask us. Now granted, BeautyMeter, theXchange and Check myHotties contained user-generated nude images (meaning some will argue that it’s not Apple’s blunder since users of the app uploaded the nude images themselves – outside of Apple’s knowledge), but nude is nude and thus appear on our tally.
Hmmm … last app containing nudity was August 21. Guess we’re due for another one? Of course! Meet Apple’s fifth nudie porno app, from Holoality Software … My X Girlfriend.
Released yesterday, My X Girlfriend is yet another example of how photo apps which rely on user-generated images, quickly turn into a showcase for nudes and pornography. While developers attempt to implement “community flagging” safeguards (flag icon on the upper right area of screenshots below), relying on users to flag and notify inappropriate content is clearly ineffective.
So that concludes this edition of “Apple’s Impenetrable Fortress”. We’ll see you in a few weeks as we update our tally with a brand new nudie porno app. How can we be so sure? Hey, since June 25 it’s been like clockwork – gotta go with the trends. And until Apple officially allows nudity in the App Store, someone has to be the official Clothing Optional Scorekeeper … might as well be us.
I Am the Sausage King, And I Can Do Anything
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Anything sausagey, at least, in Escape of The Sausage King, a vertical scroller by Ryan Bell. You control the titular character by tilting left and right, hopping from bun to bun for brief bits of respite or bouncing on a pickle for maximum hang time. But don’t think for a second that the life of a Sausage King is all about the mustard monarchy and the regal relish. Dangers await his majesty in the form of the firey grill on the bottom and the sharp spikes along the top. One can only imagine what sort of Kielbasa Coup brought him to this fate.
Your score is based on how long you survive and the game has three speeds to keep it challenging as your skills improve. The graphics & character animations are polished and the music is inspiring the first couple of times you hear it. I checked out the developer’s website and it appears that he is a graphic designer and musician, so the caliber of those aspects is much better than many other games in the 99 cent category. After a little while, though, I wanted to just listen to music from my iPod while playing. The app doesn’t support that, however, and the iPod music fades out upon launching.
Gameplay is decent. As with any tilt-to-control game, you have to determine the sensitivity at first. I also played for quite some time before I figured out that the character will "warp" to the other side of the screen if you go off the side edges. The scrolling elements appear to follow a pre-defined pattern, so shattering scores on the high speed setting will ultimately depend on learning the pattern. However, the game is enjoyable for reaction play as well and will definitely keep the kids entertained on the drive home.
Recap: Week Of September 7
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
September 7: Best App Name Ever!
September 7: Living Photo Delivers Bush, Gates And Big Pimp [Videos]
September 8: Sexy Collides With Bizarre In The App Store
September 9: Root For The Financial Ruin Of America With The PUMA Index
September 10: Hell Chicken – The Mother Of All Apps
September 11: Girls Blood & Dreams – App Descriptions Gone Wild
September 12: We’re Pissed Off At This Burrito!
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Living Photo
It’s ALIVE! Your photos that is – with the Living Photo app [iTunes]. Let your imagination run wild as Living Photo will animate your images and make them talk. Blinking eyes, moving mouth … then embed a custom audio message to make your image talk. Heck, make a talking cow or baby or pancake … then share it by email or upload to YouTube directly from within the app. Unlimited possibilities – send a greeting, thank you, apology, happy birthday or even a steamy “I Love You” message. For only 99 cents [iTunes], this app is totally easy to use and will provide endless fun and entertainment for the entire family.
Fun Obit
Write your own obituary … sounds weird? At first, but if you really think about it … makes total sense. We’ll let Fun Obit [iTunes – $0.99] explain … “We all have in common beyond death is we need an obit – why not write your own while you’re alive? Why not really make laughter the best medicine? Heck, it’s your 15 minutes of fame on the way out the door … death sucks, make every day count and laugh like hell in the process.” For more “convincing” read our Fun Obit review here.
Pocket Shot
Just chillin’ with your friends in your dorm room, fraternity house, library, etc? Turn any gathering into a goo-shooting party with Pocket Shot [iTunes]. A hysterical game where you pick a photo, pump your weapon, aim and fire … ultimately splatting your target picture with drippy 3-D goo. Score is based on power and accuracy … laughs are guaranteed. Click here to check out the demo video with more intimate details.
100sounds
There’s a reason 100sounds [iTunes] is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site (check out the hysterical user-submitted videos) or click here to read our review.
DrinkTracker – The Breathalyzer iPhone App
Don’t drink and drive! True words, but easier said than done. This is where DrinkTracker [iTunes] comes into play – your personal “alcohol conscious” – helping you to drink responsibly. DrinkTracker calculates your blood alcohol content (BAC) based on your profile and updates every 60 seconds. This is an extremely feature-rich breathalyzer app and at $1.99, a no-brainer bargain buy. Click here for our review or visit the DrinkTracker site for complete details and a fantastic demo video.
iDontFart
Face it – Apple ruined farts. With hundreds of ridiculous fart apps available, they’ve become overplayed and old news. That’s why the iDontFart app [iTunes] is a breath of fresh air … it’s the anti-fart app. Gotta fart? Don’t do it! Use iDontFart to mask those embarrassing bodily noises – so while you’re really erupting the anal volcano, the person in the next stall will think you’re simply reading the newspaper. Brilliant and useful. Click here to read our review.
iControl Sexy Screen Wash: Amber
Ok, enough with the licking dogs screen washers (damn they have bad breath)! Instead, have Amber clean you screen (plus she smells good too). iControl Sexy Wash is a unique screen wash application … the first and only interactive screen cleaner. Swipe your finger across the iPhone screen – it gets dirty … no worries, Amber to the rescue. She cleans the specific area where your dirt appears. Wax on – Wax off … Amber rocks, she never misses a spot and is a hard worker. Check out Amber in iControl Sexy Screen Wash for only 99 cents in the App Store.
We’re Pissed Off At This Burrito!
Please take a brief moment to read the following description below. Go ahead, we’ll wait … this is, after all, all about you.
So let’s summarize what we read, just to make sure we are both on the same page. This app is called Burrito … it costs 99 cents … and it gives you a (as in “one”) breakfast burrito recipe with video instructions.
Hmmm …
Are you F%#KING kidding us?!?
It’s a FREAKING burrito!!!
Why is this KRAP even in the App Store?!?
LOL … seriously, you want a breakfast burrito recipe? Save yourself a buck and click here, here and here. Don’t know how to “assemble” a burrito? Come here so we can whoop you upside the head … it’s a BURRITO, not brain surgery! Whip up some eggs … cook a chorizo … throw it in a tortilla … and BOOM – a breakfast burrito (and you owe us a buck).
Oh, but hold on! Looks like we missed some critical selling points of the Burrito app …
“The videos do not offer verbal instructions but the recordings are at close up which makes it easy to follow”
Holy shit … close up silent videos! yeah dev dude, you’ll get our dollar fo sho! Why the hell are you even telling us this? Wait for it … there’s even more to this phenomenal burrito video garbage …
“The videos can also be paused, stopped, fast forwarded or rewinded”
Seriously dev dude, are you talking to us? We’re a bit offended by this statement … we are NOT morons, we passed the Moron Test! Actually, screw this – we’re done taking this abuse from the Burrito app. One flippin’ recipe … blech! Maybe throw in an additional 99, mix in a Burrito Fart button and a chicka holding her boobs … then maybe … just maybe … we’ll consider your silent burrito movie app. But for now –
Adiós Burrito Estúpido Loco!
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