Back in March, we wrote an article called “The Dumbing Of Apple”. The article featured the Nothing app … an app which does nothing and at the time, carried a 99 cent price tag. Seriously - and no … we’re not drunk. While the Nothing app was essentially a joke by the developer (to see if Apple would approve such a piece of krapp), Nothing’s approval did raise the question … what is with all this useless trash Apple keeps approving? Shouldn’t there be some sort of basic functionality requirement in an iPhone application … then again, if there was such a requirement, Steve couldn’t make this recent official statement:
“With over 50,000 applications available from Apple’s revolutionary App Store,
iPhone momentum is stronger than ever.”
LOL … Revolutionary App Store. While that may be true to some extent, take a look around this site and you’ll see plenty of App Store drivel which dilutes and discredits that revolutionary 50K figure … disqualification in the App Store pissing contest.
So in the proud tradition of useless trash like the Nothing app … Apple has approved the
Is It An App? app. Seriously - and no … we’re not drunk. Launch the Is It An App? app and you will be presented a number of random, idiotic and stupid questions with a simple “Yes” or “No” answer: Could you be a part-time model? … Is it the business? … Does it worth? … Is the Great Wall Of China viewable from space? … Is Twitter down?
Wow Apple … thanks for approving this app … always wondered if we needed a vacation. And as we bitched just yesterday about false advertising … we come across another description which is full of BS:
Uh NO – this is not an app … Uh YES – it sucks … Uh NO – its not worth the download.
Oh look … a Nothing app copy cat internet meme (sort of an Internet-based inside joke) … HA, HA … you da funny guy developer Shawn. But dude, why you such the Twitter hater? Don’t be a Bitter Bobby – mix in a puppy, it’ll make you feel better … LOL
But yeah, Bitter Bobby … errrr Shawn Roske … does have a point – too much useless trash in the Revolutionary App Store. And memo to “funny guy” devs … you can stop now with the “make fun of Apple” meme apps … we get it – Apple approve KRAPPS … no need to exacerbate this Revolutionary problem – you are preaching to the choir.
So did you hear about the DRAMA between Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton? Pretty hysterical stuff. Will.I.Am accuses Perez Hilton of disrespecting the band and leading lady Fergie … Perez Hilton accuses Will.I.Am’s security guard of punching him in the face … Perez Hilton tweets the punching incident on Twitter … Will.I.Am makes a video response giving his side of the story, indicating a random fan punched Hilton … Perez Hilton makes a profanity laden video response to Will.I.Am’s video … then Will.I.Am makes another video response to Hilton’s video.
LOL … both of you … shut the hell up already! What is with all this video garbage? Yeah guys … way to use your status and social media for something constructive.
Will.I.Am – get some thicker skin man! you should be way above some dumbass spat with a two-bit celebrity dirt writer. why escalate such nonsense? yeah we get the “I am human – I have feelings too you know” part … but come on, why waste a single ounce of energy on such drivel? did you miss that day in kindergarten where they taught – “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? have some faith in humanity, they’ll make the proper judgment.
Perez – dude, boo freaking hoo … cry us a river! it comes with the territory … piss enough people off, you will get punched. this shouldn’t come as a big surprise. oh and nice “No Hate” pants you wear … you joke!
So who punched Perez Hitlon … a Will.I.Am security guard (as Perez states) or some random fan (as Will.I.Am states)? LOL … whatever … who cares. What we do find hysterical is the LIAR, LIAR aspect of the story … someone is obviously not telling the truth, leaving the tax payers money to figure this garbage out … thanks fellas!
And this brings us to our next iPhone application … ShakeTheGirl by Netfinity Digital Media. Yet another sexploitation app … albeit an original. Launch app … select a hot chick’s picture … shake the iPhone – hot chick’s clothes fly off leaving her NAKED.
Cool … another Apple first … a naked hot chicks app for only 99 cents. Or so we thought … until we visited the ShakeTheGirl web site and checked out the demonstration video. Maybe it’s just us … do you see any naked hot chicks?
LIAR, LIAR … what a bunch of krapp … naked girls where? Seriously, can developers claim anything in their app descriptions? Wouldn’t it behoove Apple to check every description for accuracy, profanity, age rating, etc? “But KRAPPS … it’s not feasible to check every aspect of an app … there are too many of them and simply impossible”. YAWN … give it up … would it kill Apple to invest in the quality of the approval process and hire some more freaking App Review employees … whether it’s the initial approval, an update or a simple post-approval description change?
And Netfinity …. watch yourself with the BS naked girls claim … trying to sucker some poor saps like us? Talk to Perez Hilton … piss off enough people and you will get smacked. Although in the iPhone world, things are different … someone (perhaps a KRAPPS. We. Are security guard) will whip out the iFight Pro app and BOOM BOOM POW your false advertising ass … LOL!
Ok … we had a enough. We looked the other way long enough … today something needs to be said …
If You Use Your iPhone As A Sex Toy – You’re An IDIOT!
Seriously, freaking control yourself – what are you, an animal? You use the damn thing to make phone calls, text messages, email, Twitter, listen to music, check sports scores and millions of other iPhone uses … do you really think you your poor iPhone wants to be hanging out in your freaking crotch? HELL NO (how do we know? – the iPhone told us – we’re like that Dog Whisperer dude for iPhones) … show the thing some respect – this is an iPhone people – keep it above the belt.
And STEVE?!?! … what is this you dirty dog … iVibrateMe – “great for your special private areas” … “satisfy your needs” … “relieve pent-up stress”. So Apple, you mean to tell us this kind of app description is ok for all viewing audiences yet Cock-A-Doodle-Do and Fartknocker get zapped by your profanity filter? WTH is this?
Now look, nothing against these types of pleasure aids … but here’s some sound advice … next time you plan to visit the Apple Store for your sex toy needs, mix in a little www.MyPleasure.com – (there’s a good idea … “excuse me Mr. Apple Store Employee – can you recommend the best vibrator sex toy application?” … LOL).
Which brings us to our next app … the MyVibe app. Yeah, it’s the same “great for your special areas” functionality, but we just love the “suggested use situations” …
“at your desk” … “in your car stuck in traffic” … “at the movies” … LOL – yeah, thank goodness Apple stopped those horrible innuendos of Fartknocker and Cock-A-Doodle-Do!
But this all leaves us confused … because it’s a well known fact that Apple rejects applications that link directly to objectionable material from within the app. So why on Earth is it ok to link the MyPleasure.com logo from within the MyVibe app directly to a Sex Toys and Adult Toy Store? And why is MyVibe, with its direct Adult Toy Store link, ok for 4 year olds? Do you really want to explain Sex Toys to your 4 year old … if your answer is yes … you’re an IDIOT! (and so is Apple).
June 15: “Intercourse” Is A Bad Word – we applaud Apple & provide a tool for developers
June 16: iPhone App Teaches How To Touch A Woman’s Body – yes we are being serious!
June 17: Not Your Ordinary Tickle App – a video tribute to the funniest iPhone app
June 18: The Most Blatant Sexploitation In An iPhone App – you gotta see it to believe it!
June 19: God Is A Geek – and there’s humor in Heaven – it’s all good!
June 20: iPhone Devs – Make Your Apps Talk With VoiceForge – technology pushing creativity & originality
June 21: Thank You KRAPPS Sponsors – these guys rock! check them out & show some love
We would like to take a brief timeout to thank our valued sponsors. Without their support, there would be no KRAPPS (uh, that doesn’t sound right). All these peeps are solid folks, have quality products and we’re proud to be aligned with them. So support KRAPPS, show our sponsors some love … you’ll become a better person.
Be Seen With KRAPPS
KRAPPS is the only web site dedicated to iPhone humor and fun. Take advantage of our unique niche by advertising on KRAPPS. We offer four different sponsorship packages to ensure participation at a variety of budget levels. Contact us at info@KRAPPS.com to receive our media kit, rate card and to secure your advertising placement.
Ow My Balls!
Ow My Balls! is a hysterical iPhone game centered around the mishaps of Joe The Juggler. Kick Juggler Joe off the ledge of a tall building … and he cries out – “OW MY BALLS!” As Joe falls, hit objects to score points and ignite the fart jetpack to make him travel the longest distance possible before making impact with the ground and crying out -
“OW MY BALLS!” This high quality game contains outstanding hand-drawn graphics, hilarious custom recorded sounds and user-friendly controls. Plus you have the ability to record your own “OW MY BALLS!” sound effect to use within the game. A bargain at only 99 cents … click here to purchase OW MY BALLS via iTunes or read our extensive review.
With the amount of garbage in the App Store, the hideNtweet app is a breath of fresh air. It is a totally unique and original game specifically designed for the iPhone. Think the classic children’s game Hide And Seek … now bring Hide And Seek to the iPhone, couple that with GPS technology and Twitter … and voila – hideNtweet. This app is currently in beta and being developed by Dove Valley Apps. Click here to read our review. Better yet, experience this extraordinary gaming experience yourself … click here to become a beta user.
There’s a reason 100sounds is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site, be sure to check out the hysterical user-submitted videos.
VoiceForge: We Build Voices® –
We Make the Internet Talk®
Attention iPhone developers – VoiceForge is an online Text-to-Speech service. They’ve made TTS fast, affordable, and scalable! Tap a huge variety of 60 voices in 5 languages. Using their SOAP based API, simply send text, indicate the voice, and receive back a MP3 or URL. And it’s fast – just 200 milliseconds for audio to be returned. Big fish no problem; our capacity exceeds 100 million synthesis per day. Consumers love personalization – why not "pimp your app" by letting users pick the voice they like? Click here to receive more info, try the demo, or sign up for a free developer’s kit.
DrinkTracker – The Breathalyzer iPhone App
Don’t drink and drive! True words, but easier said than done. This is where DrinkTracker comes into play – your personal “alcohol conscious” – helping you to drink responsibly. DrinkTracker calculates your blood alcohol content (BAC) based on your profile and updates every 60 seconds. This is an extremely feature-rich breathalyzer app and at $1.99, a no-brainer bargain buy. Click here to visit the DrinkTracker site for complete details and a fantastic demo video.
Simply put, this app makes you smarter! Binary Game gets your brain juices flowing and is a ton of fun. It’s an original game of binary math which is simple to play and highly addictive. The worldwide leader board satisfies the most uber-competitive gamer, while the Facebook Connect feature pleases those social types. Click here to read our review or click here to purchase from the App Store, click here.
99 Games is an exceptional game developer cranking out such iPhone classics as WordsWorth (ranked as high #1 in the word game category), Chess Pro, Chess Lite, Aqua Jigsaw, and Jigsaw Wild. Their latest offering is Wordulous … an anagram like no others: multiple modes, global scores, Facebook Connect and more. 99 Games is committed to building only the highest quality and most entertaining games possible … all at affordable prices. Click here for our review.
This app is a blast! To really appreciate iFight Pro, click here and take a quick look at a demonstration video – it’s really cool. Combine a handgun, rifle, shotgun, slap, whip, gong, sword or punch with one of the eight background music tracks – and you’ll be awarded with a pure quality, enormously fun iPhone app.
Cepstral is a company which provides iPhone developers a tool for making unique and kick ass applications. VoiceForge is their branded Text-To-Speech (TTS) platform which enables developers to add high quality sound audio to any iPhone application.
Uh … ok … TTS … what the heck is that? Well basically in a non-geek nutshell, the VoiceForge TTS technology makes the Internet talk … and more specifically … talking iPhone applications. Imagine a talking greeting card app … type message into app – send greeting card to friend – friend opens greeting card – and card starts to talk in a deep Russian Drago voice … “Happy Birthday Pencil Neck! I Must Break You!” … or … type in the ABC’s and send it using a hot chick sexy voice (oh krapp, scratch that … we already profiled a Sexy ABC’s app). Or how about talking iPhone games … or talking breathalyzer – “Yes dumbass, you’ve had 17 beers, you are drunk! Drago will beat your ass if you get behind the wheel of a car!”
The creative possibilities are endless with VoiceForge … and guess what, use VoiceForge in your app and chances are you will NOT be featured here on KRAPPS … which is a good thing we guess.
VoiceForge will appeal to all developer geeks – webmasters … programmers … developers of mash-ups, web 2.0 apps, Facebook apps, VoIP tool and of course, iPhone apps. Plus developers will save money as VoiceForge offers one set price for access to over 45 different voices … so no need to limit yourself to a la carte voices pricing (a la carte sucks … why do I have to pay $15 for a side of mashed potatoes Mortons?).
We suck at being developer geeks, but appreciate this TTS technology and can imagine some very cool apps leveraging this platform. Plus we LOVE visiting the VoiceForge voice demo page, typing in profanities and then having it played back by one of the 50+ demo voices … hee, hee. Click here to check out the demo page.
For more information about VoiceForge … visit their dedicated developers page, where you can sign up and receive a free Test_ID and access to their service for a non-commercial trial. Looking forward to all those cool upcoming talking apps!
Well apparently we at KRAPPS are simpletons and totally out of the loop when it comes to this whole geeky techie stuff … either that, or we simply nodded off (which is usually the case) during Father Guido Sarducci’s sermon informing the parish that God is a geek. Yeah, imagine our surprise when we discovered the Box For Prayer app which enables its user to send emails to God …
LOL … Newsflash – save a dollar and mix in a prayer. We’ll bet our left nut that prayers are quicker than emails. Plus if you really suck …I’m sure God would have your IP address blacklisted and reroute your message to HELL (what, you think there’s no humor in Heaven?)
If you still insist on emailing God, being the do-gooders and givers we are … we’ll give you God’s email address for FREE –> Jesus_Is_Rad@GoodLord.org.
Now the only question for God remains … Mac or PC?