We’re going to shout it from the highest mountain tops …
The iPhone Has Changed Our Life!
Before the iPhone, we were fat, bald and a disaster with the chicks. Well thanks to the Hair Clinic app, we now have a full head of healthy hair. Chicks? Yeah, chicks dig us now because we use the Hot Radar app … it helps us score. Sadly though … we’re still large and in charge – XXXL baby! Ok, so maybe the iPhone didn’t totally change our life … got Hair, got Chicks, got Big Belly. Whatever, two out of three ain’t bad.
So this chunky monkey thing … it’s not like we’re ignoring the issue. We’ve been busting our ass trying every new weight loss fad …
Acai Berry Diet – sucks … makes our poop bright orange and thinking we’re now sterile.
Weight Loss Lip Gloss – the Too Faced Fuze Slenderize lip gloss promised to curb our appetite and boost our energy … it’s bullshit, our lips now look like our butt cheeks.
Overnight Skinny Cream – high hopes for this one … lose weight while you snooze with the Fatgirlsleep body balm by Bliss … garbage, we broke out in hives.
Calorie Burning Drink – Enviga is a sparkling green tea mixed with caffeine and antioxidants, this Coca-Cola product promised to boost our metabolism and burn extra calories … guess what, Coke sucks – they lied – so now we wash down our triple cheeseburger with Diet Pepsi.
So yeah, we’ve been doing stuff … ok, we might not be exactly in the gym, pushing iron, doing pilates or getting a sore scrotum from spin class … but piss off, don’t be a hater!
Anyways … we now have high hopes to finally win this battle of the bulge and it’s because of our revolutionary iPhone. We’re talking about the new weight loss app from DailyBurn called FatBurner2K …
Isn’t FatBurner2K swell? Stick the iPhone on your buffet blimp (for best results, precisely 6 inches above the belly button) and have it literally shake the crap out of your fat molecules. Heck with words like … Disharmonic and Physical Oscillation … we gladly plopped down our 99 cents in hopes of becoming a lean, mean, loving machine.
The only thing we haven’t quite figured out is how to keep the damn iPhone on our spare tire when using FatBurner2K while finding a parking spot, getting a haircut or smoking a filtered cigarette … sucker keeps falling off. Maybe there’s like this strap-on attachment thing we don’t know about … hands free phone calls and weight loss … revolutionary!