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How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps


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With the popularity of the iPhone growing exponentially, there are numerous thousands of developers  attempting to cash in on App Store gold. So being the do-gooders we are … we present a few examples of how NOT to sell your app.

Be A Douchebag (My Ex-Girlfriends app)

My-Ex-Girlfriend-Title

Ah yes … Damon has a special talent … the ability to get hot chicks to undress for him while he takes their picture. Damon, you are our hero – the wind beneath our wings. However just as an fyi … it doesn’t count when you have to pay the girl to undress.

Be A Pothead (Zits & Giggles app)

zits-and-giggles-title-FINAL

Zits-Giggles-Pricing

Working on your app while stoned leads to poor decisions. Like increasing the price of your app from 99 cents to sixteen dollars … to one hundred and eighty dollars … to two hundred and thirty dollars. Not really sure why the developers stopped at two thirty … perhaps they ran out of weed due to lagging app sales. Make wise choices – just say no.

Be A Hater (The Sushi Experience app)

The-Sushi-Experience-Title-FINAL

Look … if you’re an Android-loving, Apple-hating, mofo … just stay the hell away from the App Store. There’s no reason to be the most expensive book in the App Store … especially when your Amazon hardcover price is $26.40 and Kindle at $23.76. Yeah, let’s just stick it to that evil iPhone and its Cult of Mac a-holes and charge $70. Oh shit, it comes with a lap dance … our bad, a fair deal … carry on.

Be Blunt (+MyBattery app)

MyBattery-Title

Of course the sure fire way to kill sales is to stop beating around the bush and cut straight to the chase … Please Wait And Purchase Later … will do, enough said.

Comments


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    This is funny 🙂


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    but shhhhh … don't tell anyone, but we REALLY want to go party with that
    Damon dude … he is a rockstar!

  • drsb85

    Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    OMG !!!…You guys r awesome….I cant believe you fellas found these things….


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    thank you! but honestly … we have no life … we are Steve Job's bitches
    … we sit around and search for apps alll day in iTunes … pretty sad, but
    if it makes our viewers happy, it's all good … see, we really are
    do-gooders 😉

  • Pingback:
    Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524
    uberVU - social comments()


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    While some of these are blatantly retarded, there are a lot of other developers that put non-consumer-based information on their descriptions, such as talking about what programming language they used or some technical matter that is completely non-consumer visible. I think those have a special place in and of themselves as well as the above. 🙂


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    ahhhh yes, the UBER geeks … we “love” them too and perhaps a topic for
    volume 2 of how to SUCK at selling iPhone apps 🙂

  • itito

    Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    hahahaha this dudes are crazy at selling apps.

  • iquanyin

    Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    lol, that was great

  • iquanyin

    Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    and for the third installment, how about the “translated” descriptions that are indecipherable? i think i have a screenie somewhere of one. if so, i'll send it along to you.


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    Oh yeah … The Google translated descriptions … Those are freaking
    hysterical! We've actually run a couple of these in the past, but
    always room for more, so please, do send –> info @ KRAPPS.com


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    They are truly App Store All-Stars and we should all be in awe of them

  • iquanyin

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    cool, i'll look on my HD tomorrow 😀


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    How long do i wait till i purchase this app, o wait im still waiting.


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    good point … sort of rude on the dev's part to not include an ETA …
    don't we have better things to do than sit around and wait until we can
    purchase his app … geez

  • susanbdot

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    Is it even possible to provide an ETA, given Apple's, uh, system for approving apps?

  • susanbdot

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    I see the “Zits & Giggles” app still shows a price of $239.99. In addition to the absolute insanity of that (I keep hearing “I Am Rich” ringing in my ears), the description asks (and why in blazes can't you Copy & Paste from iTunes?) “Why haven't you bought this yet? It's a FRIGGIN DOLLAR.” (their emphasis)

    Either they're oblivious to the price increase(s) they supposedly selected, or they're oblivious to the fact that their somewhat harassing description is VERY OUT OF DATE.


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    might behoove the dev to submit the correct version in the first place …
    this way they avoid us writing about them 😉


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    frankly I think they just don't give a shit … jack the price up, forget
    about the app … then hope for a drunk college kid to click the “Buy”
    button 🙂


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    might behoove the dev to submit the correct version in the first place …
    this way they avoid us writing about them 😉


  • Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

    frankly I think they just don't give a shit … jack the price up, forget
    about the app … then hope for a drunk college kid to click the “Buy”
    button 🙂


Warning: Use of undefined constant user_level - assumed 'user_level' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /nfs/c04/h04/mnt/66964/domains/krapps.com/html/wp-content/plugins/ultimate-google-analytics/ultimate_ga.php on line 524

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