How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps

With the popularity of the iPhone growing exponentially, there are numerous thousands of developers  attempting to cash in on App Store gold. So being the do-gooders we are … we present a few examples of how NOT to sell your app.

Be A Douchebag (My Ex-Girlfriends app)

My-Ex-Girlfriend-Title

Ah yes … Damon has a special talent … the ability to get hot chicks to undress for him while he takes their picture. Damon, you are our hero – the wind beneath our wings. However just as an fyi … it doesn’t count when you have to pay the girl to undress.

Be A Pothead (Zits & Giggles app)

zits-and-giggles-title-FINAL

Zits-Giggles-Pricing

Working on your app while stoned leads to poor decisions. Like increasing the price of your app from 99 cents to sixteen dollars … to one hundred and eighty dollars … to two hundred and thirty dollars. Not really sure why the developers stopped at two thirty … perhaps they ran out of weed due to lagging app sales. Make wise choices – just say no.

Be A Hater (The Sushi Experience app)

The-Sushi-Experience-Title-FINAL

Look … if you’re an Android-loving, Apple-hating, mofo … just stay the hell away from the App Store. There’s no reason to be the most expensive book in the App Store … especially when your Amazon hardcover price is $26.40 and Kindle at $23.76. Yeah, let’s just stick it to that evil iPhone and its Cult of Mac a-holes and charge $70. Oh shit, it comes with a lap dance … our bad, a fair deal … carry on.

Be Blunt (+MyBattery app)

MyBattery-Title

Of course the sure fire way to kill sales is to stop beating around the bush and cut straight to the chase … Please Wait And Purchase Later … will do, enough said.

December 16, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, News 

Comments

  • This is funny 🙂

  • but shhhhh … don't tell anyone, but we REALLY want to go party with that
    Damon dude … he is a rockstar!

  • drsb85

    OMG !!!…You guys r awesome….I cant believe you fellas found these things….

  • thank you! but honestly … we have no life … we are Steve Job's bitches
    … we sit around and search for apps alll day in iTunes … pretty sad, but
    if it makes our viewers happy, it's all good … see, we really are
    do-gooders 😉

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  • While some of these are blatantly retarded, there are a lot of other developers that put non-consumer-based information on their descriptions, such as talking about what programming language they used or some technical matter that is completely non-consumer visible. I think those have a special place in and of themselves as well as the above. 🙂

  • ahhhh yes, the UBER geeks … we “love” them too and perhaps a topic for
    volume 2 of how to SUCK at selling iPhone apps 🙂

  • itito

    hahahaha this dudes are crazy at selling apps.

  • iquanyin

    lol, that was great

  • iquanyin

    and for the third installment, how about the “translated” descriptions that are indecipherable? i think i have a screenie somewhere of one. if so, i'll send it along to you.

  • Oh yeah … The Google translated descriptions … Those are freaking
    hysterical! We've actually run a couple of these in the past, but
    always room for more, so please, do send –> info @ KRAPPS.com

  • They are truly App Store All-Stars and we should all be in awe of them

  • iquanyin

    cool, i'll look on my HD tomorrow 😀

  • How long do i wait till i purchase this app, o wait im still waiting.

  • good point … sort of rude on the dev's part to not include an ETA …
    don't we have better things to do than sit around and wait until we can
    purchase his app … geez

  • susanbdot

    Is it even possible to provide an ETA, given Apple's, uh, system for approving apps?

  • susanbdot

    I see the “Zits & Giggles” app still shows a price of $239.99. In addition to the absolute insanity of that (I keep hearing “I Am Rich” ringing in my ears), the description asks (and why in blazes can't you Copy & Paste from iTunes?) “Why haven't you bought this yet? It's a FRIGGIN DOLLAR.” (their emphasis)

    Either they're oblivious to the price increase(s) they supposedly selected, or they're oblivious to the fact that their somewhat harassing description is VERY OUT OF DATE.

  • might behoove the dev to submit the correct version in the first place …
    this way they avoid us writing about them 😉

  • frankly I think they just don't give a shit … jack the price up, forget
    about the app … then hope for a drunk college kid to click the “Buy”
    button 🙂

  • might behoove the dev to submit the correct version in the first place …
    this way they avoid us writing about them 😉

  • frankly I think they just don't give a shit … jack the price up, forget
    about the app … then hope for a drunk college kid to click the “Buy”
    button 🙂