Back in July 2009, Apple approved the first strip club locator application, Gentleman’s Club Finder. These days, using your iPhone to find adult entertainment is easier than Craigslist … as there are plenty of apps which help you discover the nearest nudie bar.
But gosh darn, strip clubs can get so boring and soon enough, you’ll be longing for something more kinky. Good news … Apple hears you … and over the weekend, they decided to kink it up a notch by approving the Swingers Club app.
Catering to couples and singles, Swingers Club is the first and only swingers club finder in the App Store. For a mere $3.99, you’ll receive access to hundreds of clubs in all 50 States. Addresses, phone numbers, websites and more … all critical information is listed in Swingers Club, including rules and descriptions of each “lifestyle establishment” so you know exactly what to expect when arriving at the “social gathering”.
Looking to hook up and engage in sexual activities like wife swapping, group sex or promiscuous activities? Oh you filthy feline … now there’s an app for that!
Yesterday, in an attempt to make the app review and approval process less arbitrary, Apple released a set of guidelines to its developers. This official document from Apple is pretty hysterical as they try to be all hip, cool and non-corporate with their language … “We have over 250,000 apps in the App Store. We don’t need any more fart apps.”
Apple has always had a zero-tolerance policy for porn and nudity in the App Store … frequently banning nudie apps which somehow managed to get by Apple’s watchful eye:
06/25/09 – Hottest Girls … 07/01/09 – BeautyMeter … 07/30/09 – theXchange … 08/21/09 – Check myHottie … 09/15/09 – My X Girlfriend … 01/21/10 – forChan … 05/12/10 – Top Secret 2, Model Pose and Model Pose 2
Apple has now made their “No Porn Allowed” policy even clearer as Section 18 of the new App Store Review Guidelines document is dedicated to pornography …
18.1 Apps containing pornographic material, defined by Webster’s Dictionary as "explicit descriptions or displays of sexual organs or activities intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings", will be rejected
18.2 Apps that contain user generated content that is frequently pornographic (ex "Chat Roulette" apps) will be rejected
Which brings us back to Carl’s “Life Is All About Timing” … LMAO … publish as many rules and guidelines as you want Apple, but if you can’t enforce them, your official policies don’t mean shit.
I Show Off, by Blue Sky Software, is an iPhone app which has been around for the past seven months (and is about to get banned). It’s one of those user-generated content applications where you upload a picture from within the app … the developer approves it … the image is published to the app … and the user community votes it yay or nay.
The whole “approve images before going live” concept is sound … however in reality, it’s pretty ineffective … Apple has been burned way too many times by this workflow (see our list of banned apps 4 inches above). User-generated images frequently translate to nudes and porn … as evident in the buttload of naked chick pics within I Show Off that have been there for months (displayed are some of the “tamer” selections).
“We have over 250,000 apps in the App Store. We don’t need any more fart apps” … you betcha Apple … and we can’t wait to report the next fart app you approve following this “no more farts” guideline (wait for it … it’ll happen – after all, this is Apple we’re talking about).
I’m Crushing Your Head! … I’m Crushing Your Head!
Who doesn’t love to hold their hands up to their eyes and pretend to crush an opponent? If you remember the hysterical Head Crusher skit from the Canadian comedy group, The Kids in the Hall, you know what fun this can be.
But after a while, your hand gets tired … fingers get numb … and you lose the ability to properly deliver the flathead pinch. AutoCrush [iTunes $0.99] solves this problem and adds Pinching and Squeezing options too! Plus it’s easy on your vocal chords since you can touch anywhere in the preview area and hear over 20 funny phrases at random.
AutoCrush uses the iPhone’s built-in camera and overlays animated male or female hands crushing, pinching or squeezing. If your iDevice doesn’t have a camera, a photo of a hot chick is provided so you can crush, pinch and squeeze her all day … and she won’t complain. So save yourself a sexual harassment claim and get your AutoCrush on!
The endless antics with AutoCrush is available for $0.99 via the App Store … and proof the fun does NOT have to stop after elementary school. Be sure to check out the AutoCrush demo video below and a classic Headcrusher skit from The Kids in the Hall.
You just never know what will get approved on the App Store …
German-based application developers, Lagenscheidt KG, have discovered the secret formula of including sexually explicit images in iPhone apps. Check out there new sex education app Sex-Deutsch …
Got it? Humans having sex = not ok … Bugs having sex = ok. Because after all, how could anyone say no to boinking bugs (sooo cuuuute)?
Epic – Awesome – Amazing – Incredible – Legendary … these are all adjectives that came to mind when we discovered this next App Store gem … Tie Hot Knots.
Tie Hot Knots is a useful little application … it provides instructions for tying a tie. At only 40 cents per knot, included in this $1.99 app are directions for tying FIVE classic knots (wow – bargain) … Four-In-Hand, Windsor, Prince “not the piercing” Albert, Small and Half Windsor.
Ok, whatever … another “how to tie a tie” application … NOT! It has HOT chicks … you’ll get all hot and bothered just by reading the app’s description …
****MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY****
****HOTTEST TIE APP OUT****
Simple and sexy step-by-step instructions on how to tie a tie.
Tie Hot Knots brings you photos of beautiful women showing you how to tie a tie. All the classic tie knots presented the way you want. No more fat guys with chubby hands when you want to get ready for that big meeting or interview. Let the hands, lips, and hips of ladies guide you to step up your game with a fresh knot.
LMAO … but seriously, we don’t think Tie Hot Knots was meant to be a joke. We mean come on, LOOK AT THOSE HOT CHICKS! So hot, the developer couldn’t show their entire face and had no other option than to show Chop Chop Hot Chicks … smokin’ sexy.
Epic? Awesome? Amazing? Incredible? Legendary? Our bad. Make that … KRAPPtastic – KRAPPorama – KRAPPilicious … any way you describe it, it’s just plain KRAPP.
After two long years of waiting since the App Store opened its doors for business, nudists (yes, we said NUDISTS – people who like to walk around NAKED) have a reason to rejoice … Apple has finally approved the first iPhone application catering to naturists … iSwimNude.
iSwimNude was recently published by German nudist Frank Budszuhn. Rumor has it that Frank coded the entire application while he was buck naked in efforts to give the app a true uninhibited au naturel feel. This type of raw coding should appeal to both casual and hardcore nudists alike.
The premise behind the FREE iSwimNude application is fairly straightforward … it relies on user-generated content to populate it’s database of nude beaches worldwide. Know a spot where you can let it all hang out? Simply use the in-app submission form to share your bare assed pleasure with the rest of the iSwimNude community.
Since iSwimNude was only released a few days ago, there are few nudie beaches documented. For example, if you live in Southern California, your only choices of birthday suit bathing are at least 7 hours away … up in San Francisco or Vancouver (quick, someone enter Blacks Beach or San Onofre). Not surprising, the majority of nude locations can be found in Frank’s motherland, Germany … dude has obviously done his research.
One thing to note … there are no warning signs within iSwimNude addressing the dangers of nude sunbathing. So if you venture out stark nekkid, be sure to use plenty of sunscreen or better yet, cover your member with a towel. Trust us … a sunburned penis is worse than Bengay on your ball sack – OUCH!
App developer’s take note … this should provide plenty of motivation for achieving App Store success and billions of dollars!
You know those so-called “noteworthy and profitable” apps like Doodle Jump, Pocket God or Tetris? Those apps which developers work their ass off trying to release and maintain a quality product? F*CK ‘EM!
All you really need to do is spend 10 minutes programming a few black screens with decorative frames around the edges … call it an iPhone mirror … and increase the bastard’s from ninety nine cents to four hundred and fifty dollars.
The end result of your bullshit? Some poor suckers will make your work (we use the term loosely) the #3 overall Top Grossing app … $$ Ka-Ching $$