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App Store Nudity – Volume 5 (My X Girlfriend)
Last week we came across an article on Mashable called “Sexy Manga Girls & Apple App Store Rules”. The article introduced a new adult oriented application under review for approval … Otakulous … a wallpaper-type app of sexy manga drawings. The article continued to detail Apple’s strict no nudity policy, referring to the Hottest Girls application as an example of the consequences developers face if their app contains nudity … Hottest Girls was quickly pulled from the App Store.
Pretty standard info for us iDorks, however we found it quite curious how Mashable concluded the article with this strong statement:
It seems that even if we’re talking about virtual or drawn nudity, Apple App Store is still an impenetrable fortress when it comes to adult material.
Huh? You’re freaking kidding us, right? An “impenetrable fortress” defending against adult material … Laughing Our Asses Off! Here, let’s recap all the apps containing nudity that managed to slip by this “impenetrable fortress” (all approved by Apple, then later removed from the App Store) …
06/25/09 – Hottest Girls (Mashable got this one right, their sole example of app nudity)
07/01/09 – BeautyMeter (contained topless images, including an alleged 15 year old girl)
07/30/09 – theXchange (contained extremely hard core pornography)
08/21/09 – Check myHottie (contained extremely hard core pornography)
So let’s see here … since the end of June, every couple of weeks, a nudie porn app appears … pretty krappy fortress if you ask us. Now granted, BeautyMeter, theXchange and Check myHotties contained user-generated nude images (meaning some will argue that it’s not Apple’s blunder since users of the app uploaded the nude images themselves – outside of Apple’s knowledge), but nude is nude and thus appear on our tally.
Hmmm … last app containing nudity was August 21. Guess we’re due for another one? Of course! Meet Apple’s fifth nudie porno app, from Holoality Software … My X Girlfriend.
Released yesterday, My X Girlfriend is yet another example of how photo apps which rely on user-generated images, quickly turn into a showcase for nudes and pornography. While developers attempt to implement “community flagging” safeguards (flag icon on the upper right area of screenshots below), relying on users to flag and notify inappropriate content is clearly ineffective.
So that concludes this edition of “Apple’s Impenetrable Fortress”. We’ll see you in a few weeks as we update our tally with a brand new nudie porno app. How can we be so sure? Hey, since June 25 it’s been like clockwork – gotta go with the trends. And until Apple officially allows nudity in the App Store, someone has to be the official Clothing Optional Scorekeeper … might as well be us.
I Am the Sausage King, And I Can Do Anything
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Anything sausagey, at least, in Escape of The Sausage King, a vertical scroller by Ryan Bell. You control the titular character by tilting left and right, hopping from bun to bun for brief bits of respite or bouncing on a pickle for maximum hang time. But don’t think for a second that the life of a Sausage King is all about the mustard monarchy and the regal relish. Dangers await his majesty in the form of the firey grill on the bottom and the sharp spikes along the top. One can only imagine what sort of Kielbasa Coup brought him to this fate.
Your score is based on how long you survive and the game has three speeds to keep it challenging as your skills improve. The graphics & character animations are polished and the music is inspiring the first couple of times you hear it. I checked out the developer’s website and it appears that he is a graphic designer and musician, so the caliber of those aspects is much better than many other games in the 99 cent category. After a little while, though, I wanted to just listen to music from my iPod while playing. The app doesn’t support that, however, and the iPod music fades out upon launching.
Gameplay is decent. As with any tilt-to-control game, you have to determine the sensitivity at first. I also played for quite some time before I figured out that the character will "warp" to the other side of the screen if you go off the side edges. The scrolling elements appear to follow a pre-defined pattern, so shattering scores on the high speed setting will ultimately depend on learning the pattern. However, the game is enjoyable for reaction play as well and will definitely keep the kids entertained on the drive home.
Recap: Week Of September 7
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
September 7: Best App Name Ever!
September 7: Living Photo Delivers Bush, Gates And Big Pimp [Videos]
September 8: Sexy Collides With Bizarre In The App Store
September 9: Root For The Financial Ruin Of America With The PUMA Index
September 10: Hell Chicken – The Mother Of All Apps
September 11: Girls Blood & Dreams – App Descriptions Gone Wild
September 12: We’re Pissed Off At This Burrito!
Thank You KRAPPS Sponsors
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Living Photo
It’s ALIVE! Your photos that is – with the Living Photo app [iTunes]. Let your imagination run wild as Living Photo will animate your images and make them talk. Blinking eyes, moving mouth … then embed a custom audio message to make your image talk. Heck, make a talking cow or baby or pancake … then share it by email or upload to YouTube directly from within the app. Unlimited possibilities – send a greeting, thank you, apology, happy birthday or even a steamy “I Love You” message. For only 99 cents [iTunes], this app is totally easy to use and will provide endless fun and entertainment for the entire family.
Fun Obit
Write your own obituary … sounds weird? At first, but if you really think about it … makes total sense. We’ll let Fun Obit [iTunes – $0.99] explain … “We all have in common beyond death is we need an obit – why not write your own while you’re alive? Why not really make laughter the best medicine? Heck, it’s your 15 minutes of fame on the way out the door … death sucks, make every day count and laugh like hell in the process.” For more “convincing” read our Fun Obit review here.
Pocket Shot
Just chillin’ with your friends in your dorm room, fraternity house, library, etc? Turn any gathering into a goo-shooting party with Pocket Shot [iTunes]. A hysterical game where you pick a photo, pump your weapon, aim and fire … ultimately splatting your target picture with drippy 3-D goo. Score is based on power and accuracy … laughs are guaranteed. Click here to check out the demo video with more intimate details.
100sounds
There’s a reason 100sounds [iTunes] is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site (check out the hysterical user-submitted videos) or click here to read our review.
DrinkTracker – The Breathalyzer iPhone App
Don’t drink and drive! True words, but easier said than done. This is where DrinkTracker [iTunes] comes into play – your personal “alcohol conscious” – helping you to drink responsibly. DrinkTracker calculates your blood alcohol content (BAC) based on your profile and updates every 60 seconds. This is an extremely feature-rich breathalyzer app and at $1.99, a no-brainer bargain buy. Click here for our review or visit the DrinkTracker site for complete details and a fantastic demo video.
iDontFart
Face it – Apple ruined farts. With hundreds of ridiculous fart apps available, they’ve become overplayed and old news. That’s why the iDontFart app [iTunes] is a breath of fresh air … it’s the anti-fart app. Gotta fart? Don’t do it! Use iDontFart to mask those embarrassing bodily noises – so while you’re really erupting the anal volcano, the person in the next stall will think you’re simply reading the newspaper. Brilliant and useful. Click here to read our review.
iControl Sexy Screen Wash: Amber
Ok, enough with the licking dogs screen washers (damn they have bad breath)! Instead, have Amber clean you screen (plus she smells good too). iControl Sexy Wash is a unique screen wash application … the first and only interactive screen cleaner. Swipe your finger across the iPhone screen – it gets dirty … no worries, Amber to the rescue. She cleans the specific area where your dirt appears. Wax on – Wax off … Amber rocks, she never misses a spot and is a hard worker. Check out Amber in iControl Sexy Screen Wash for only 99 cents in the App Store.
We’re Pissed Off At This Burrito!
Please take a brief moment to read the following description below. Go ahead, we’ll wait … this is, after all, all about you.
So let’s summarize what we read, just to make sure we are both on the same page. This app is called Burrito … it costs 99 cents … and it gives you a (as in “one”) breakfast burrito recipe with video instructions.
Hmmm …
Are you F%#KING kidding us?!?
It’s a FREAKING burrito!!!
Why is this KRAP even in the App Store?!?
LOL … seriously, you want a breakfast burrito recipe? Save yourself a buck and click here, here and here. Don’t know how to “assemble” a burrito? Come here so we can whoop you upside the head … it’s a BURRITO, not brain surgery! Whip up some eggs … cook a chorizo … throw it in a tortilla … and BOOM – a breakfast burrito (and you owe us a buck).
Oh, but hold on! Looks like we missed some critical selling points of the Burrito app …
“The videos do not offer verbal instructions but the recordings are at close up which makes it easy to follow”
Holy shit … close up silent videos! yeah dev dude, you’ll get our dollar fo sho! Why the hell are you even telling us this? Wait for it … there’s even more to this phenomenal burrito video garbage …
“The videos can also be paused, stopped, fast forwarded or rewinded”
Seriously dev dude, are you talking to us? We’re a bit offended by this statement … we are NOT morons, we passed the Moron Test! Actually, screw this – we’re done taking this abuse from the Burrito app. One flippin’ recipe … blech! Maybe throw in an additional 99, mix in a Burrito Fart button and a chicka holding her boobs … then maybe … just maybe … we’ll consider your silent burrito movie app. But for now –
Adiós Burrito Estúpido Loco!
Girls Blood & Dreams – App Descriptions Gone Wild
Hello … we’re iDorks. Never heard of one? iDorks are individuals who are so obsessed with the iPhone, that they spend every waking moment doing something iPhone related. Surfing the App Store, playing with one of their 768 downloaded apps, reading iPhone focused web sites, visiting their local Apple Store for the umpteenth time, participating in iPhone discussion boards … iDorks live, breathe and eat iPhone.
Not only are we iDorks, but our behavior can be categorized as uber iDork. It’s getting so bad that we tossed away our teddy bear and now sleep with our Steve Jobs plush doll. For our birthday … iPhone cake please! And for casual reading … app descriptions and screenshots … the App Store is like our virtual magazine. Since we read our magazine daily, we come across many “interesting” items. Like the ones below … enjoy and here’s to hoping one day you’ll become an iDork too.
Cheerleaders – Sexy Dress Up 2 and Sexy Super Models
STRONG! Hot chicks holding their naked breasts … that’ll get your attention. And since screenshots are viewable by everyone in the general public … these images are great for targeting 6 year old girls or 13 year old boys – exactly the kind of pictures parents want their young kids to see. But hey, as the saying goes … don’t judge a book by its cover. Reading the user reviews below, it seems Apple has a strict one “Sexy Girl Clutching Her Boobies” image per app policy … such a tease!
28 Days After
Hmmm … “a menstrual calendar for men” … Hmmm … key word = MENSTRUAL … Hmmm … key question = is that a drop of MENSTRUAL blood on the screenshot … Hmmm … key reaction = EWWW, GROSS!
iTextMe
Alrighty then … front and center, on display –> Nocturnal Emission and Masturbation. LOL, some things are best left private (and not to mention suitable for 9 year olds?!?) – but not in the App Store. “Sex Life” – “Wet Dreams” – “Masturbation” … it’s all good – bring it!
Hell Chicken – The Mother Of All Apps
There are certain things in life that are so awesome, words simply cannot describe how amazing the experience really is. It’s one of those things where you gotta … “see it to believe it”. Take for example witnessing the birth of your child. Phenomenal stuff (although a bit bloody and gory) which words cannot describe. Or any one of those Seven Wonders of the Ancient World … the Great Pyramid of Giza, those Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the revolutionary iPhone … all jaw-dropping stuff that will leave you speechless and inspired.
Same holds true with the App Store … there are certain apps that are so amazing, no review web site can properly convey their awesomeness. Music recognition app, Shazam, is like watching a spectacular magic show. Google Earth puts our planet in the palm of your hand. And dang that I Am T-Pain … an iPhone app which turns Ordinary “Coors Light drinking, crotch scratching” Joe into a Cristal champagne chugging, sexy hottie pimpin’ Hip-Hop artist … is simply a miracle.
But folks, we’re here to tell you something. Those apps which you think rock this world … the Shazams, Google Earths, I Am T-Pains or anything else you come up with … guess what … they all SUCK! Yup … all apps suck compared to this absolute dynamite of an app. This app will literally bring you to your knees … brace yourself … this app is Hell Chicken!
OMG!!! … GET OUT!!! … HELL CHICKEN!!! Keep reading, it get’s better. The description below should express just how incredible Hell Chicken really is … however just like the Great Pyramid of Giza … some things you just gotta see it to believe it. So do yourself a favor … spend 28 seconds watching the video presentation of Hell Chicken. It will bring you to tears, send chills down your spine, leave you astonished and make you understand why Hell Chicken is the Mother of all Apps (KRAPPS).
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