Hooking Up With The Gerbil

1billiondownloads As you probably heard, recently Apple had this big
1 Billion Download celebration. Some 13-year old kid won a bunch of stuff and the app he downloaded got all sorts of media love … lucky bastards we guess. As part of the celebration, Apple released the All-Time Top Paid and Free Apps (pretty funny in itself considering iPhone apps have only been available for 9 months). As you would expect, the Big Boys dominated the list: Crash Bandicoot from Vivendi Games … Moto Chaser and Flick Fishing from Freeverse … Tap Tap Revenge from Tapulous … Pocket God from Bolt Creative … Tetris from Electronic Arts … and others.

TopApps

YAWN! Pretty BORING stuff if you ask us. Freeverse – big freaking whoop! Bolt Creative – rip someone’s head off, then we’ll talk! Tapulous – yeah, we’d tap that! Like often during the app approval process, Apple blew it! So as usual, we are forced to point out Apple’s shortcomings … it’s a krappy job, but somebody’s got to do it.

ArcticGerbilLogoJPG Apple needs to take a closer look at the 40,000 applications and their respective developers … because there is a clear #1 … the undisputed heavyweight developer of the word … Brighthouse Labs (formerly the artist known as Arctic Gerbil – we’ll leave it up to Wired to find out why Brighthouse Labs links to the Arctic Gerbil site). We are here to declare … Brighthouse Gerbils completely rock our world! Seriously, how can you resist the following accomplishments:

SIX HUNDRED EIGHTY NINE (689) Apps Approved!!!

This is freaking HUGE and worth repeating … Brighthouse Gerbils have released SIX HUNDRED EIGHTY NINE iPhone applications. Damn … that’s like over 2 apps per day, EVERY DAY since the App Store opened 9 months ago. The Gerbils must be like those really fly folks who never have to wait in line when clubbing. They have VIP automatic approval at Club Apple. And heck, why not have them on auto-approval … look at the quality product they are flooding/spamming the market with:

ONE HUNDRED NINTY FIVE (195) SupaFan Apps!!!

Yeah … SupaFan freaking rips .. classic krapp like SupaFan Denise Richards or SupaFan The Olsen Twins or SupaFan Dr. Phil or SupaFan Pokemon or SupaFan Rachel Ray or SupaFan Abba … there are 189 more SupaFan example, but we’ll refrain.

SupaFan

ONE HUNDRED FOURTY EIGHT (148) Quote Apps!!!

Jessica Alba Quotes – Alex Rodriguez Quotes – Tyra Banks Quotes – Woman Quotes, etc.

QuotesApp

EIGHTY TWO (82) SlidePuzzle Apps!!!

SlidePuzzle Fluffy Cat – SlidePuzzle Beaver – SlidePuzzle Crow – SlidePuzzle Vatican, etc.

SlidePuzzleApp

And the list goes on and on … 151 Sports Fan apps, 37 Joke apps (including Aviation Jokes app and Horse Jokes app) and multiple iFinder, iGuides and iLanguage apps.

For your convenience, we have compiled ALL Gerbil apps in a handy dandy Google GerbilLove Document … CLICK HERE to view the Gerbil’s worldwide domination!

You know, there is a theory among men … if you hit on enough girls, one of them is bound to hook up with you. Thinking the Gerbils use this approach with the ladies and YOU, the iPhone app consumer. But back off and wait your turn, cuz we’re hooking up with the Gerbil first!

May 7, 2009 | Filed Under News | 10 Comments 

Infraconscious Level And Psychologic Reactivity

We love foreign developers who pimp their goods in the U.S. App Store. Something about a non-American perspective is refreshing … not to mention their app descriptions are pure comedy (memo to ESL developers – get some help … and no, Babel Fish doesn’t cut it).

So meet our Russian friend Valeriy Petrenko. With over 15 applications released, Valeriy is an App Store veteran. His latest achievement is an iPhone first … an original … like we said, it’s that whole non-American thing … and if you think about it, pure brilliance!

russian-TP Now before we get into the details of Valeriy’s application, let us give you a bit of insight into the Russian lifestyle. You see, in Russia, generally, most people are not afforded the simple “luxuries” of life:

> There is no difference using Russian toilet paper or pages out of a phone book
> Smoking a Russian cigarette is the equivalent of being attached to a nicotine IV
> Want milk? – Go tug on your cow’s udder or stand in a half-mile long line

notowtruck But alas, such conditions lead to pure ingenuity:

> No tow truck? – Get your buddies to throw your car in back of a truck
> No Grand Theft Auto video game? – Steal a real car
> Light post in the way of your construction? – Build through it
> Can’t afford a computer? – Build one out of a shoe box

russiancomputer

And here’s another example of Russian resourcefulness … mice infestation in your living quarters? – Build an iPhone app (please pay special attention to the description) …

MousetrapDesc

Mousetrap1  Mousetrap2

ZDOROVO (russian for awesome) Valeriy!

Title = Mousetrap To Get Rid Of Mice … love it. clear and will not be confused with a mountain lion trap (always good to repeat yourself in the app’s title).

Strong Proof Of Concept = “It is enough one or two contacts of the mousetrap and the mouse for formation of a strong negative reflex on an infraconscious level and psychologic reactivity” … heck, who are we to argue INFRACONSCIOUS LEVEL and PSYCHOLOGIC REACTIVITY.

Clear Results = “The mouse will not visit You anymore” … again, how can we begin to argue this point? An unsuspecting mouse rolls up on a blank iPhone and then gets the living infraconscious scared out of them by a glaring cat.

LOL … the Mousetrap To Get Rid Of Mice app … Only in Russia!

May 6, 2009 | Filed Under Productivity | 3 Comments 

Ow My Balls! – Brings Epic Nutshots To Your iPhone

Imagine our delight when we came across this new app – Ow My Balls! by Jetson Creative. Our eyes got really big and a huge grin covered our face. Sweet, got our next casualty … the Ow My Balls! iPhone app … this ought to be a load of KRAPPS. So we strapped on our Nutty Buddy cojones protector and proceeded with caution to explore the world of Ow My Balls!

OMBdesc

AppleKickNuts But tell you what … Ow My Balls! pissed us off. Why? Because it’s freaking hysterical … well made – high quality … outstanding hand-drawn graphics … and contains hilarious custom recorded sound effects. Screw you Ow My Balls!? – you suck … jacked up our KRAPPS article serving up this fine piece of app wizardry … come here for a nut shot.

So in a nutshell (no pun intended) … Ow My Balls! is an iPhone game centered around the mishaps of Joe The Juggler. The game begins by kicking Juggler Joe off the ledge of a tall building (why he’s there in the first place, who knows, dude has a death wish or something) – obviously a painful kick as he immediately cries out – “OW MY BALLS!” … hey, if you were a juggler and lost your balls, you’d be sad and cry out too.

screen_2     screen_3

So as Joe falls, using the iPhone’s accelerometer, the user attempts to hit various obstacles and have Joe travel the longest distance possible before making impact with the ground. And that poor Juggler Joe. When he finally hits the pavement – he receives another epic nut shot and understandably, firmly clutches his sack in dismay and declares –
“OW MY BALLS!”.

screen_1    screen_4

To score points, simply hit obstacles. To travel greater distances, ignite fart jetpacks (yes – FART JETPACKS) which will allow Joe to increase his altitude, thus going farther. And if you really kick butt (errrr – kick balls), you can ultimately become a Ball Master (sort of like a Jedi Master, but better).

And get this … to our knowledge … a iPhone game “first”. You have the ability to record your own “OW MY BALLS!” moan …. or your fart … or various impact sounds. Too freaking cool – an iPhone game featuring your own voice and fart. Rock on!

So as we said – this game completely sick (in a good way, like phat)! High quality build, user-friendly controls, hand-drawn urbanesque graphics, custom recorded sounds, ridiculous value at 99 cents and best of all … absolutely pant pissing hysteria! Because bottom line … although getting hit in the nards hurts – it’s funny (especially as a viewer and not the recipient) … maybe it’s a guy thing – maybe it’s a MTV Johnny Knoxville Jackass thing … but nut shots combined with quality programming are a crack up and if you don’t think so, go buy yourself a sense of humor – heard they’re on sale this week at Walmart! If you already have a sense of humor, check out Jetson’s hysterical video below (pay attention to the end, dude really get’s hit in the nuts when it was supposed to be a fake pop – LOL)

 

Anti-Krapps-Seal-v2GIF Back with a sense of humor? Good! Click here to purchase Ow My Balls! for only 99 cents. Totally worth it!

Obviously a lot of time and effort was put into the creation of Ow My Balls! and it shows throughout this brilliant slap-stick humor application. We can’t even imagine the nut shots Jetson Creative had to endure from Apple to get something like this approved … but tell you what … glad they have a high pain tolerance and certainly deserve the claim 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified!

cactus-hugJPG We decided to check up on these kooks at Jetson Creative and discovered something really cool … a community thing … an iPhone developer thing. Over on their blog, Jetson Creative documented every step of Ow My Balls! creation … from Conception to Completion … it’s like a blueprint for constructing an iPhone app, with valuable information and insights. Very cool of Jetson Creative for sharing the knowledge with fellow and future developers … whole lotta love and good karma going on at Jetson … guess we take back our nut shot comment and just give them a hug. You should give these kind folks a hug too (crap we are freaking sappy-lame), click here to buy the app and give Jetson a virtual hug.

May 5, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games | 31 Comments 

Have A Shitty Day!

dawsons-ugly-cry22 You know the good old expression … “Have A Nice Day”? … well we think it blows! We’re here to tell you … “Have A SHITTY Day” … yeah, that’s right … “Have An AWFUL Day” – “Have A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MESIRABLE Day” – “Have The WORST Day Of Your Life!”. Got a smile on your face … well we hope your smile turns into a frown and cracks your face open. As a matter of fact, we hope you end up in tears … boo freaking hoo … cry us a river … yeah, that’s it … sucks for you!

iphoneemo You know what – if we ever see you all joyful and cheery and krapp … we’re going to walk right up to you and pop your happy ass with a verbal assault that will make even the jolliest of moments heartbreaking and glum. Stuff like … “somewhere, someplace, someone is  starving to death at this very moment” … or … “there are approximately 250 million child  laborers worldwide” … “you probably will get a divorce”, etc.

What? What’s our problem? What’s YOUR freaking problem?!?! No we’re not agro … no we’re not emo … we are KRAPPS and we found a new iPhone app which changed our outlook on life. Sure, you may think this app jacked us up … but we’re thrilled about our new found krappy attitude and want to make sure you are just as miserable as we are with the help of the Apple-approved Daily Downer app:

DailyDownerDesc

So yeah, we’re going to be THAT GUY to slam you with HORRIBLE FACTS about our world. Make sure you invite us to your wedding, baby shower or other festivity … we’ll be sure to destroy your celebration and jack up even the biggest optimist. Cuz now we have the talent – now we have the skillz – now we have Daily Downer and now it sucks for you.

PS – Have A Shitty Day Apple!

May 4, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 4 Comments 

Recap: Week Of Apr 27

In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles …

Apr 27: Sexy Rock Star – this app changed our life. no more KRAPPS. find out our new name

Apr 28: The Real Reason Baby Shaker Was Approved – find out the real problem

Apr 29: Porn, MILF, Sex On The Beach, Wet T-Shirts, Teens – no we are not trying to improve our SEO ranking … and yes, it’s iPhone relevant

Apr 29: Exercise Your Brain With Binary Game – thanks to this app, we are now smarter

Apr 30: Super Pooper – thank you Apple for approving this Product Of Uranus!

May 1: Dirty Little Secret – shh, don’t tell! Apple’s HAPPY ENDING is their dirty little secret

May 2: Stuff We Like – we share iPhone related hysterics we found on other sites

May 3: Thank You KRAPPS’ Sponsors – our sponsors are the best – show ’em some LOVE

May 3, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

Thank You KRAPPS’ Sponsors

We would like to take a brief timeout to thank our valued sponsors. Without their support, there would be no KRAPPS (uh, that doesn’t sound right). All these peeps are solid folks, have quality products and we’re proud to be aligned with them. So support KRAPPS, show our sponsors some love … you’ll become a better person.

Be Seen With KRAPPS
KRAPPS is the only web site dedicated to iPhone humor and fun. Take advantage of our unique niche by advertising on KRAPPS. We offer four different sponsorship packages to ensure participation at a variety of budget levels. Contact us at info@KRAPPS.com to receive our media kit, rate card and to secure your advertising placement.

ThankYouPres

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AppyNewzThankYou2 Appy Newz
A unique app which allows you to create custom tabloid-style magazine covers directly on your iPhone. Appy Newz is an extremely high quality app at a more than fair price point. It allows you to create custom covers for a variety of purposes (practical jokes, humor, greeting cards, awards, etc.) and provides endless entertainment. Click here to read our Appy Newz and find our why we adore this app or
click here to purchase from the App Store.

100soundsThankYou 100sounds
There’s a reason 100sounds is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site, be sure to check out the hysterical user-submitted videos.

VoiceForge VoiceForge: We Build Voices® –
We Make the Internet Talk®
Attention iPhone developers – VoiceForge is an online Text-to-Speech service. They’ve made TTS fast, affordable, and scalable! Tap a huge variety of 60 voices in 5 languages. Using their SOAP based API, simply send text, indicate the voice, and receive back a MP3 or URL. And it’s fast – just 200 milliseconds for audio to be returned. Big fish no problem; our capacity exceeds 100 million synthesis per day. Consumers love personalization – why not "pimp your app" by letting users pick the voice they like? Click here to receive more info, try the demo, or sign up for a free developer’s kit.

BinaryGameThankYou2 Binary Game
Simply put, this app makes you smarter! Binary Game gets your brain juices flowing and is a ton of fun. It’s an original game of binary math which is simple to play and highly addictive. The worldwide leader board satisfies the most uber-competitive gamer, while the Facebook Connect feature pleases those social types. Click here to read our review or click here to purchase from the App Store, click here.

iFightThankYou iFight Pro
This app is a blast! To really appreciate iFight Pro, click here and take a quick look at a demonstration video – it’s really cool. Combine a handgun, rifle, shotgun, slap, whip, gong, sword or punch with one of the eight background music tracks – and you’ll be awarded with a pure quality, enormously fun iPhone app.

May 3, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, News | Leave a Comment 

Stuff We Like

As total iPhone nut jobs, we love to check out iPhone related stuff throughout the net. Typically we share our discoveries via Twitter (follow @KRAPPS), but every once in awhile we come across gems that deserve a permanent home on KRAPPS.

The crew at iPhone Savior recently published a hysterical article titled – The Ultimate Tasteless iPhone Apps Revealed. Obviously the Baby Shaker app got their creative juices flowing as iPhone Savior presents their Top Ten list of tasteless apps for your disapproval. Below is a peek at two of their creations – just WRONG!!

iStarvePets Have you ever wondered what your friends would look like as meth heads? I have! Now it’s effortless with Meth Faced, or why not starve a virtual pet with iStarve Pets. Just shake this app and watch your personal per slowly shrink away into skin and bones. Pick from hundreds of adorable pets to dispose of.

iMethFaced  

Also spawned by the Baby Shaker incident, below is a hilarious iPhone commercial created by the folks over at Dr. Blogstein. Just push play and be prepared to laugh.

 

May 2, 2009 | Filed Under News | Leave a Comment 

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