O Canada, Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter! Government Censors Cornhole All-Stars

cornhole-FINAL As a preamble to our story, per Wikipedia:

“Cornhole is a lawn game in which players take turns pitching cornhole bags at a raised platform with a hole in the far end. A bag in the hole scores 3 points, while one on the platform scores 1 point. Play continues until a player reaches the score of 21.”

The folks over at JUFTi Games are big Cornhole fans and thought it would be cool to make a virtual version of the game. On August 1, JUFTi Games launched the Cornhole All-Stars iPhone app. Now read carefully between the lines … see what JUFTi Games did? Similar to the way “Football” is incorporated in Backbreaker Football or “Boxing” in Super KO Boxing … JUFTi Games used the word “Cornhole” in their app’s title – Cornhole All-Stars. Those BASTARDS!

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Seriously, it really pisses us off when developers give their apps such clever and sensible names. Why couldn’t JUFTi Games name Cornhole All-Stars something stupid like … Pink Hippo Farms. Using the word “Cornhole” in the title of a virtual Cornhole iPhone game is simply offensive. Yeah you heard us JUFTi Games … SCREW YOU … you’re Cornhole All-Stars name offends us!

What? You think we’re crazy? SCREW YOU TOO! We’re not crazy and the Canadian Government agrees, Cornhole All-Stars is offensive, thus censoring the game in Canada.

Yup … cruise over to the Canadian App Store, type in “Cornhole All-Stars” and you’ll find nothing. As we said, the brilliant Canadian Government censored this clever and sensible title to … C*****e All-Stars. In essence, halting Cornhole All-Stars sales in Canada – if consumers can’t find it, they can’t buy it. LOL at JUFTi Games … maybe next time you’ll think twice about cornholing O Canada.

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So we really wanted to get to the bottom of this dumbass move by JUFTi Games and contacted co-founder Jon Meyers. We asked Jon WTF was he thinking naming his Cornhole-themed iPhone game, Cornhole All-Stars. Jon gave us some weak reply saying … “incorporating the word Cornhole into the app’s title would provide potential customers a clear message to the premise of the game and a convenient method of locating a virtual Cornhole iPhone game amongst the nearly 100,000 iPhone applications”. Ha – not in Canada bitch!

Anyways, Jon and his business partner, Chuck Hootman, are prepared to “be heard” in Canada. They take issue with seemingly arbitrary Canadian Government standards and a lack of consistency throughout the Apple App Store.

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“That the government in Canada wants to keep us from using the word Cornhole speaks volumes about its priorities – which seem to be limiting freedom of speech and trade between very close neighbors.” Chuck said. “We want Canada to free Cornhole and lift these harsh sanctions. We demand that the Harper regime free Cornhole.” Jon said.

americashat In hopes of freeing Cornhole from censorship, JUFTi has filed formal letters of protest with the Canadian Government and will travel to Toronto … staging protest rallies throughout the City on Thursday, Oct. 15 and Friday, Oct. 16. For more protest information, visit  SayCornhole.com.

Whatever JUFTi. Just remember … Canada may be America’s hat, but you’re their bitch. Hopefully next on O Canada’s agenda is censoring other offensive apps like Nut Sizer, iScrew and Cockadoodle Inc, eh?

October 13, 2009 | Filed Under Games, News | 4 Comments 

Aggressive Butt Flossing – Most Painful Screenshot Ever

Yeah, we can hear the photo-shoot director giving pose directions …

“That’s it, look sexy … yes, very nice – just gorgeous. Ok, arch your back sweetheart … perfect  – you are fabulous. Now undo your bikini bottom … good – be sexy. Now pull that bikini string up behind your back … ah – so beautiful … up just a little higher, tad more, little higher … ARGH – OH GOD NO … NOT THAT HIGH … MEDIC, MEDIC”

Adult Swim Wedgie

Ok look, we’re the first ones to appreciate images of a beautiful young lady in a barely-there bikini. But when the poor girl is pictured giving herself what appears to be a painful wedgie … well, we can’t help but laugh our asses off.

Thank you Adult Swim for providing this visual comedy of aggressive butt flossing!

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painful-wedgie

October 12, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Lifestyle | 5 Comments 

“We’re Not On Drugs” – Developer Challenges Our Claims

rasta-FINAL Back in August, we ran a story about Raoul The Dancing Pancake … an iPhone app, which oddly enough, features a dancing pancake. In addition to dance, this freaking pancake sings and has wild mood swings … piss the pancake off and it whistles. We claimed that this uber-bizarro app surely had to be the result of “Developer On Drugs” syndrome.

Well a few weeks after we published the moody dancing pancake article, “Harry Works” left the following comment:

Hello I am the creator of the app raoul the dancing pancake. I would like to point out that none of this is true! We had nothing to do with stanford, we were not hi, and children love our app!

Hmmm … none of this is true? Harry The Developer is not on drugs? Ok … fair enough. We were going to take Harry’s word for it, but then he came out with his next offering … another dancing app. This one even more bizarre than the first … Carl The Dancing Peanut.

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Now this time, instead of just describing in words this happy angry whistling like a teapot dancing peanut … we shot a demo video. Hopefully a visual representation of Carl The Dancing Peanut will clear the “bong air”, so to speak. [editor’s note – our apologies for the loud hyena-like outburst in the beginning of the clip … quality hired help is tough to find.)

 

Ok Harry The Developer, put down the bong pipe and listen up. First of all, that is a dancing Martian. Last time we checked, peanuts do not have green antennas … Martians do. We know this for a fact, we have lots of Martian friends. Second, peanuts do not have a penis … Martians do. So when you flick a peanut in the nuts <see what we did there>, nothing happens … however flicking a Martian in the balls inflicts severe pain as noted in our Dancing Peanut video. And finally, the peanut is a species in the legume family … meaning it’s an inanimate object. Inanimate objects, like peanuts, do not have emotions or names like Carl. Martians have emotions … again, we know this because one of our Martian friends is Carl The Martian and he’s a moody son of a bitch.

Anyways, whatever. We’re tired of talking about Carl and speculating if some magic dragon was involved in the creation of this so-called peanut Martian. We’re off to Honalee to hang with our good friend Jackie Paper. CYA!

October 12, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 10 Comments 

Recap: Week Of October 5

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

October 5: Reading Is Sexy, Especially On The iPhone (spanking, crossdressing & more)

October 6: Boobies For A Cause – 25¢ Peep Show Takes A Swing At Breast Cancer

October 7: My Fetus Is Cuter Than Your Fetus – Filial Pride Gone Overboard With Pimp My Ultrasound

October 8: Three Wolf Moon Attempts The iPhone – Can It Attract Women?

October 9: Dirty Fingers? Let Sexy Amber Wash Your World!

October 10: I Say Aye to Eyegore! – our review of the Eyegore’s Eye Blast game

October 11, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | Leave a Comment 

I Say Aye to Eyegore!

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

eyegore-icon Arriving just in time for Halloween, Eyegore’s Eye Blast [iTunes] is a frightfully fun game from Retro Dreamer, the creators of Sneezies. Beautifully crafted screens transport you to the lair of Eyegore, the evil flying eyeball with the fashionable hat, where you are taunted with a vast array of challenges and puzzles. Gameplay is easy to grasp: you control the aim and release for a rusty cannon which fires variously colored eyeballs at a swinging, spinning mass of, you guessed it, more eyeballs. Match 3 or more of the same color and they are cleared. Score extra points for clearing longer chains and for releasing other eyes which become detached in the process. Be careful where you aim, though. If the clump becomes too big and touches the line just above the cannon, it’s game over!

eyegores-eye-blast-shot2FIN    Eyegore 9

Clever use of the accelerometer allows you to swing the hanging mass from side to side, setting up the perfect (or not so perfect) shot. You can bank shots off the walls to hit the opposite side of the clump, but if you miss completely, you will be penalized with random additional eyes added to the mix. In later rounds, specialty eyes (like one that instantly clears all of the same color) are added for even more fun as you try to figure out the best strategy to put them to use.

Eyegore-5FINAL    Eyegore-4FINAL

This game is highly replayable and extremely addictive. The first time I sat down to check it out, I was immediately engaged and spent well over an hour playing. The steampunkish graphics are top notch (the animated eyeballs swivel and blink independently), the music is imaginatively immersive and the squishy eyeball sounds are great. You can also listen to music from the iPod, a feature that I always appreciate and which really enhances the replayability factor.

Online leaderboard and other community features are integrated with AGON Online by Aptocore.

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I eagerly await further offerings from the developer as they work their way through the rest of the allergy and cold symptoms. We’ve already had the Sneezies and now the bloodshot, irritated eyeballs of Eyegore. Could Frannie’s Fevered Flying Fantasy be next?

At the time of this writing, Eyegore’s Eye Blast [iTunes] was a flat out steal at 99 cents.

October 10, 2009 | Filed Under Games | Leave a Comment 

Dirty Fingers? Let Sexy Amber Wash Your World!

We’ve been havin’ some very strange dreams lately. One night we’ll wake up screaming … in a total cold sweat … a nightmare. Then the next night, however, is quite different. We awaken with this big shit eating grin plastered all over our face. We’re relaxed, calm and relieved … it’s a wonderful feeling.

The nightmares involve hundreds of tiny dogs and cats stuck inside our iPhone. They can’t get out! The keep licking and licking our screen … in hopes of breaking free. But to no avail … they are trapped … and just keep licking and licking and licking … it never stops, ever!

Dogs-Cats-Cleaner

Amber-2-FINAL The euphoric dreams, we’re sort of embarrassed to admit … involve a sexy hot bikini girl. She has a name … Amber … and we love her! Similar to the tiny dogs and cats, Amber is also inside our iPhone, but is content to live there. She’s actually quite entertaining and practical … always prancing around in her bikini, using a spray bottle and microfiber cloth to clean our iPhone (it better be microfiber … don’t want no nasty scratches).

These dreams were getting nuts. We never knew if we’d wake up in a panic or complete nirvana. So we decided to seek professional help. After 137 seconds of analysis, the cause was clear … sleep doctor proclaimed – “KRAPPS prefers hot sexy bikini girls over cats and dogs.” Huh? Well supposedly the dog licker app (the one where dogs lick your iPhone’s screen clean) is throwing our ying and yang out of whack. Although we think licking dogs are fairly cool, subconsciously we prefer smokin’ hot chicks. Per doctor’s orders, we downloaded the Dirty Fingers – Sexy Screen Wash app [iTunes] and ever since, our world is complete.

Dirty-Fingers-Title

Amber111   amber333

Heck … your world will be completed as well. Just look at Dirty Fingers’ titillating features … the FIRST and ONLY interactive screen cleaner. Dirty your iPhone’s screen with your finger (hence the cool name, Dirty Fingers … although not as bad ass as the name, Dirty Harry), sexy Amber appears and cleans the exact area you touched. No idea how she does that, but it’s freaking amazing! And it’s fun carrying Amber around in your pocket and showing her off to family, friends and co-workers, etc. … especially out partying. Amber always rocks the party crowd and is a real head turner. Even those catty party chicks dig her. Must be the way she smells, it’s very nice … way better than those messy slobbering canine fools, blech!

Dirty-Fingers-Screenshot

Anywho … jump on Amber (figuratively speaking, of course), let her rock … errr … wash your world. Get Dirty Fingers – Sexy Screen Wash with Amber [iTunes] and be prepared for a thorough cleaning … you dirty boy you!

October 9, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 12 Comments 

Three Wolf Moon Attempts The iPhone – Can It Attract Women?

Three-Wolf-T-Shirt-Steve-Jobs-FINAL Surely you’ve heard of Three Wolf Moon. You know, the most awesome t-shirt EVER! Why so awesome … uh, hello – just wear it and … chicks will find you irresistible, dudes will fear your power and you’ll possess magical healing abilities. Damn straight … how else do you think Steve Jobs obtained all his kick ass power and awesomeness? Look at his picture here on the right –> ah, you see … Three Wolf Moon t-shirt … that’s how. Need more proof … #1 selling apparel item on Amazon, major media news coverage on ABC, BBC, NYT and other popular acronyms. And check this out … tonight’s episode of The Office will feature Dwight in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt … SICK (so yeah, if you want mystic and magic, you better BIN –
buy it now on Amazon – before all The Office freaks sell it out)!

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Three-Wolf-T-Shirt-Obama-SM chuck-norris-three-wolf-moon-SM 2vhu8mt-SMALL

[Ok, so by now you either totally “get” the Three Wolf Moon awesomeness or think we’ve completely lost our minds – which is probably true, but besides the point. If you’re of the insanity opinion, click here, become enlightened by reading the short ABC News article … then come back and play along.]

But why should these bitchin’ wolves stop at t-shirts? Why not a movie, a theme park, a USB thumb drive, trading cards or Slurpee cups? Heck a Three Wolf Moon-based book deal, Sheep In Wolves’ Clothing, has already been proposed. And of course, was there ever a doubt  … there’s an app for that.

Wolf-Moon-Title

Wolf Moon Screenshot

Oh come on! Don’t act so surprised – you knew this was coming. The Wolf Moon app … developer Ryan Pardue’s ode to Three Wolf Moon. While we’ve not had sufficient time to examine this potential iPhone phenomenon … early “Pros” observations include – has wolves on it and uh, that’s about it … while “Cons” remark – has wolves on it but only 3 – cannot see wolves while playing Pocket God (memo to self: jailbreak iPhone to enable multitasking) – wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

And what about this whole “Chicks Dig Me Cuz I Do The Three Wolf Moon” thing? Well we’re not exactly sure if this attribute translates to the Wolf Moon app, however once we finish our Tuscan Whole Milk, we’ll head over to Walmart on our courtesy-scooter and see if we can hook up with any asthmatic breathing, Mountain Dew drinking hotties … stay tuned!

But until then, please note, when purchasing Wolf Moon … you don’t put this app on your iPhone, you put it in your soul.

 

October 8, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 12 Comments 

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