Presenting another edition of Quick KRAPPS … click here if you missed volume 1
This app is fantastic! Honestly, I’m kind of kicking myself for not developing this one. So you know that expression “Knock On Wood”? Well you can also say “Touch Wood”. And doesn’t it completely suck when you say “Knock On Wood” and there is no freaking wood around to knock? Drives us nuts!. Well my friends, fear not … the same brainiac developer that brought us FingerMill, has introduced another insanely brilliant app – TouchWood. What does it do? Simply launch the TouchWood app and you get a picture of wood … and the wood just stays there doing absolutely nothing allowing the user to easily touch it. Never be without wood again! Hooray! – Hooray! – Hooray! … TouchWood has made my day!
Disco Clock app … hmmm, interesting … Disco Clock, ahhhh … ok, I’ll shut up now and let you read app’s description: “Do you like a disco? Now you can watch hot dancing girl on your iPhone. You can watch the girl when you go to sleep. Remember to setup alarm – nice girl’s voice will wake you up.” … uh, ok … hmmm … I gotta tell you … I kinda feel dirty after reading that description.
Ever hear of Freeverse? These guys are a powerhouse game developer releasing such 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified offerings such as Slotz Racer, Flick Bowling, Moto Chaser and others. These guys work their butts off day and night producing gem apps. But I’ll let you in on a story a little birdie told me. Seems Freeverse threw a raging Holiday Party for its employees. And why not, like I said, they work their butts off. The party was killer … tasty grind, popping beats and a killer top-shelf open bar … everyone was having an insanely good time. Well the problem is that bad things happen when you mix alcohol with geeky coders. The liquored up geeks thought it would be brilliant to code and submit a stapler app. Oh hell yeah! Launch app, press down on stapler … over and over and over and over again. But what should we call our liquored up stapler app? … ZenStapler? – no … FartStapler? – no … we’ll call it SimStapler! Oh hell yeah! Memo to Freeverse, enough with the ragers … don’t drink and code!
Now here’s an app that is so dumb, we think the developer purposely released it just so he could appear on KRAPPS. Well guess what – it worked! Name of the app … wait for it … iDumb. Again, we’ll shut up now so you can enjoy the app’s description: “iDumb is a collection of dumb mini-games. These time wasters are perfect for pointless entertainment. Featuring the following games … Spitter: spit on passers by from a balcony above … Save The Kittens: catch the kittens before they fall into a meat grinder, if you don’t, they will become kitty burgers … Motion Sickness: shake your device to give a guy motion sickness. Your victory will be marked with a fountain of puke.” … hmmm, not really sure what to make of iDumb cuz it’s so dumb … maybe they crashed the Freeverse rager.
Title: iRecording Diet
What motivates you? How do you motivate others? I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement and constructive criticism. One method is the Compliment Sandwich – the meat of sandwich (your critique) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments):
(rye bread) … ‘”Hello there Judy! I really like your blouse. Is it new?”
(meat – sorry vegans) … “Look Judy, I noticed you’ve gained a ton of weight. I’m concerned about your health. Mix in some exercise and a salad.”
(rye bread) … “Oh, by the way, the blue color in your blouse really makes your eyes sparkle.”
Ok, maybe not the best example, but whatever – you get the point. On the flipside, if I were Judy … being told I was a pig would NOT be motivating. And purchasing the pig-themed iRecording Diet app would probably lead me into a deeper depression. Come on – what is up with this app? – exactly want I want to see every time I look at it’s icon on my iPhone, a PIG’s FACE with the bright red word DIET screaming at me!
And what waits inside for the sucker who purchases the iRecording Diet app? MORE PIGS!
Thanks iRecording Diet – you guys rock! I have now turned into one of those emo kids.
update: all DoucheMeter download codes have been claimed – thank you
There has been an unfortunate circumstance in the world of KRAPPS. Seems the little KRAPPS are getting pushed around by the big bad KRAPPS. Who are these big bad KRAPPS? …. Farts I tell ya! These farts are completely out of control. New farts arriving daily for almost two months now. Fart apps everywhere … and everybody is iFarting. I swear, I’m waiting for Oprah to start jabbering about her iFart guilty pleasure. Farts – Farts – Farts … ENOUGH! Let the little but equally as talented KRAPPS get a piece of the spotlight.
I know what you thinking, “does it fart?” … NO – it doesn’t fart … BUT … it detects whether or not a person in a douchebag. Yup, sure does. It has this meter thingy and when someone touches it, the nifty gauge swings wildly and ticks … then after its analysis, pops out the final verdit: douchebag or not a douchebag. Bravo DoucheMeter… amazing stuff … KRAPPS Of Fame material here!
So with such a brilliant piece of krap, why is Toby the DoucheMeter developer so sad? Well Toby knew he was on to something. As Toby describes, “As well as detecting Douchebaggery, the text on the DoucheMeter can be configured to display anything you want: Cool-Meter, Babe-Meter, Rad-O-Meter” … oh that clever Toby, he struck gold and was ready to quit his day job. So again, why so sad? … Farts I tell ya! If it wasn’t for these damn big bad farts, Toby would be … the King of KRAPPS … the one on Oprah … releasing the box office smash Douchebag Millionaire … and producing the hit TV series The Real Douchebags Of Orange County. But alas, Toby’s efforts were all for not – just a case of bad timing … or really perhaps a case of bad gas?
Free DoucheMeter app to KRAPPS viewers!
Sad Toby was kind enough to provide KRAPPS with promo codes which will allow our viewers to download DoucheMeter for FREE. Simply fill in the rest of the message below and tweet on Twitter. Basically we’d like you to share the love and recommend a cool Twitter user you follow (sort of like #followfriday) so we and others can check them out …
Follow @KRAPPS for iPhone humor & @
We will then direct message you the download code while supplies last. Make sure you follow us on Twitter – @KRAPPS - so we can direct message you the code
Title: Menstrual Calendar Apps
Some jobs suck!
Add this one to the list … the guy who has to apply creativity to menstruation and come up with a clever menstrual calendar name. So similar to Bud Light’s salute to Real Men Of Genius (Mr. Pro Football Coach Cord Carrier, Mr. Department Store Mannequin Dresser Upper, Mr. Bowling Shoe Giver Outter, etc.) … KRAPPS salutes Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator and recognizes your genius contributions to the App Store below:
Surprisingly Mr. Menstrual Calendar App Title Creator missed these offerings: iFlow … Ladies’ Day … TOM (that Time Of Month) … Girl Trouble … Monthly Miracle … and of course – iRag. Geez, all this menstrual talk, I need a Motrin!
Title: Respect My Authoriti!
The purpose of this app is to give the user the respect they deserve. For example, if someone confronts you in a threatening manner, simply take out your iPhone, launch the Respect My Authoriti! app and show the individual who is harassing you the app’s badge. This will send a clear message that you have power, demand respect and ultimately the threatening situation should subside. I can see this app being quite handy say in a biker bar filled with the meanest and biggest SOB’s on the planet. So relax, have a drink at Harry’s Biker Bar, no worries about getting your ass kicked, you have the Respect My Authoriti! app.
I think it’s best if you simply read the app’s description. It will give you a clearer understanding and quite frankly, provides a very amusing read … I can’t even make this stuff up:
Feelin’ ignored? Is “The Man” gettin’ you down? Need to show ‘em who’s in charge and just don’t know how? Well, then thank your lucky stars that you just found the answer to these problems. Respect My Authoriti! shows those miscreant fools who’s running things and makes ‘em cower in fear of your awesome display of obvious authority.
Respect My Authoriti! is simple to use. Select either a male or female voice and then choose which badge of authority will work best on your targets. Includes a shield similar to those used by police departments, a star similar to those used by sheriffs departments, and an ID badge that resembles those used by federal agents.
The next time some fool crosses your path and challenges you, just whip out your iPhone or iPod Touch, launch Respect My Authoriti!, and show ‘em your badge. If presented with enough force your voice of authority will audibly play to reinforce your demand for respect.
Please remember this application is for the purpose of entertainment only. Impersonating an officer of law or other official is illegal in most jurisdictions. Be smart and have fun. And don’t forget to share the Authoriti with your friends! I mean, doesn’t everyone needs a little respect?
So I think that about sums it up … enough said.
Welcome to Quick KRAPPS. Why this new feature? To be honest, so many KRAPPS are being released, we are basically drowning in KRAPPS. We simply cannot keep up with the deluge. So instead of writing a full blown article, we decided to quickly bang out a few KRAPPS in our bookmark file … and the result … Quick KRAPPS.
We all know sex sells. But did you know this sex thing is so powerful it can even sell farts? Hello Ms. Fart app … the sexy fart iPhone app! Like the developer says, “Why listen to an old man fart when you can listen to a lady. What could be better?” … uh, what could be better? … maybe for developers and Apple to realize fart apps were perhaps funny the first 1,000 times and are now simply lame.
And continuing on our sex sells theme … animals also have magical selling powers. You know, those LOL cats that are appearing everywhere, cute little cuddly wuggly poochie puppy dogs (OMG), etc. Well no fart app goes unturned – hello Animal Farts app … OMG LOL soooo cute! And WTF? Read this app’s description, “Targeted for anyone interested in hearing and feeling the natural sounds of animal gas. The first fart app that helps us understand farts from an animal point of view.” … dude, you have a freaking screw loose!
Let’s continue on the animal theme, don’t get us wrong, animals are cool. We have pets: dogs, geckos, fish … all good. So our jaw dropped when we saw the Dog Teaser app and it’s description, “Choose from a selection of sounds to tease and wind up your dog.” Ha! Ha! Ha! Let’s be cool and torment our dog … we’ll hit the Fireworks button and really jack up Fido. Wow … tough to choose the biggest dillweed of the bunch: Apple for accepting this app, the developer for creating the app or the moron who gets off on teasing their dog.
Ok, let’s do a total 180. The Brrpr app has to be considered KRAPPS, but we admit … this one made us totally laugh. Read the short and sweet description, “This app spells out anything you write using burps.” LOL, CLASSIC … reminds us of the time we tried to burp the entire ABC’s and ended up baby barfing in our mouth – yuck!
We conclude with the FingerMill app. For more details, check out our Chicks Dig Me article … since it’s basically the same fartknocker app. I guess one good KRAPPS deserves another. Besides reading Chicks Dig Me, might as well read what the developer has to say about his brilliant app, “FingerMill turns your device into a treadmill for fingers! FingerMill will keep you amused and your fingers in good shape!” … see, told you … brilliant!
Apparently WeatherX developer, Karim Dhanani, has bone to pick with customers who leave negative reviews in the App Store. You see, Karim has declared himself the “App Store Review Police” and threatens to report aggressors to Apple demanding the individual be banished. OUCH! … harsh KRAPPS!
Karim uses the term “spam” – which we find strange. We’ve seen negative reviews where users compare the offending KRAPPS to an app which they prefer – but to claim this is “spam” (a developer pimping their own app while unfairly slamming another) is a bit paranoid. Not exactly sure why the paranoia. He’s released 5 apps (WeatherX, WeatherLive, CDCAlert, MedicalAlert and Quicklink) and the only customer review remotely looking like spam appears in the WeatherLive review:
So does Karim think customer Gold Prime is really My Weather Mobile since Gold Prime gives his opinion as “My Weather Mobile is still the best weather app”. Wow – Da Horror! Karim might be on to some dark evil scheme by My Weather Mobile to destroy all other iPhone weather apps. Guess it’s an App Eat App World out there in Developer Geekland.
LOL … dude needs to chill. I mean come on – how can you be so pissed that the opening line in your WeatherX description is about this spamming nonsense. Is this really the first impression you want to give your potential customers … that you are Mr. Pissed Off Paranoid App Developer Dude? Seriously, got a beef … blog it … twitter it … hell, start a “My Weather Mobile App Sucks” Facebook group … but putting it in your WeatherX description is freaking madness. Makes me want to buy the app and leave a KRAPPS/spam review just to mess with good old Karim. And for the record, WeatherX looks promising and has some cool features, but it’s tough download this angry app when I can install more peaceful, loving and kind apps like Koi Pond or Zen Garden … hint, hint Karim … you might want to do the same.