Sorry for being blunt, but WHINERS SUCK! You know those folks who have to absolutely bitch about everything under the sun … call it The Glass Half Empty Syndrome. It could be a co-worker, a sibling, your spouse, a friend or anybody who just complains non-freaking-stop. ARGH! … Shut Up Already!
Here’s some notable whiners:
Elizabeth Hasselbeck complained on The View that she didn’t receive her usual invitation to the White House Christmas party.
Phil Gramm, former Republican Senator and co-campaign manager for Sen. John McCain who resigned as a result of whining while discussing the nation’s economy, that “we have sort of become a nation of whiners. You just hear this constant whining….”
Others include, Barry Bonds, Terrell Owens, Rosie O’Donnell, Joaquin Phoenix and more.
So how do you deal with these pathetic pansy crybabies? Per Dr. Rick Kirschner … you could get all polite and constructive … it’s the touchy feely way:
If you must deal with a Whiner, your goal is to team up with them to form a problem-solving alliance. So the best you can do with someone who is constantly complaining, is to work with them to diminish their feelings of helplessness by helping them to identify solutions. As the feeling of helplessness diminishes, so does the need to whine.
“Form a problem-solving alliance”?? … “Diminish their feelings of helplessness”?? LOL … uhhh, no thanks! We prefer something more direct and effective … a simple “STFU, YOU SUCK!”. Or of course we could use our handy dandy iPhone. Damn straight … want to shut-up whiners? … with over 25,000 apps, you know damn well there is an app for that! Presenting the Wambulance! app from Nerdtown (great name, rivals previously featured Meat Couch Productions) … the geek way of telling whiners to STFU. Just dial “waa!-1-1” and let the geek wambulance deal with the situation.
What – don’t like Wambulance!? … it’s KRAPPS? Whatever whiner! But maybe you’re right. Screw the Wambulance! app – we’ll use our iPhone more effectively and just beat you with it.
FREE Wambulance! App To KRAPPS Viewers!
Nerdtown was kind enough to provide codes which will allow KRAPPS viewers to download Wambulance! for FREE. Simply be one of the first 9 viewers to leave a comment and we will email you the download code.
Ok, this one totally threw us for a loop. So we’re browsing the latest New App releases for article material when it hit us … BOOM! BAM! JACKPOT! SCORE! … we found our next KRAPPS and boy is it going to be a doozie. The title alone qualified this app into instant KRAPPS fame … Pee Monkey.
You heard it right … Pee Monkey … officially called Pee Monkey Jungle Fire … developed by the folks at Happylatte. Unlike the other pee “Health” apps we reviewed, (iPee and Shy Bladder) Pee Monkey is an iPhone game. The premise is that the jungle is in big trouble … fire is falling from the sky, the jungle is burning and GeeMonkeys (lady monkeys) are getting killed. So this PeeMonkey character must float around on a cloud while extinguishing the fires and saving the ladies. And as you guessed, the fires are doused by PeeMonkey pissing on them. But hold on … you can’t just piss away endlessly like a race horse. PeeMonkey will eventually lose all his pissing power (the in-game pee meter will show empty) so he’ll need to “drink” water to regain his peeing ability.
So to recap … flying monkeys that pee on stuff … LOL … perfect KRAPPS!
But a funny thing happened as we started playing Pee Monkey … “KRAPPS likes it! Hey KRAPPS!”. Yeah, we admit it … we like Pee Monkey … it’s freaking hysterical, very South Park-like. What’s not to love about flying monkeys that pee on stuff? Well I guess some people (like this knucklehead blogger) might think its too close child porn … but come on, WTF?!? This dude even tags Pee Monkey “pornographic” … honestly, to even mention Pee Monkey and child porn in the same sentence is disgusting, offensive and irresponsible.
Aside from the game’s overall theme, Pee Monkey’s other attributes are solid as well. The graphics are tremendous (cute in a Sneezies sort of way), 10 levels of peeing pleasure, gameplay is smooth, music is top-notch and the sound effects are hilarious. Game controls are user-friendly: PeeMonkey’s flying direction is controlled by the iPhone’s accelerometer while the pee’s flow direction is controlled by touching either the right or left side of the screen. Overall a well built, fun-filled game that is 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified … just be careful not to pee your pants from laughter!
Click here to purchase Pee Monkey for only 99 cents … and while you’re at it, become a fan of their Facebook page and follow them on Twitter @happylatte. And if you need even more Pee Monkey … even though the first submittal was rejected by Apple (yellow pee problem?), Happylatte will be releasing Pee Monkey Toilet Trainer (sort of like the Beer Goggles app we reviewed) – see if you can pee straight and hit the toilet … just be sure to put the lid down for the GeeMonkeys.
FREE Pee Monkey Jungle Fire App To KRAPPS Viewers!
Happylatte was kind enough to provide 5 codes which will allow KRAPPS viewers to download Pee Monkey for FREE. Through Thu, Mar 26 at 11:00am PST, tweet the message below on Twitter and be entered into the Pee Monkey drawing. Good luck!
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By demand, KRAPPS will periodically review “legit” apps thru a network of guest authors.
A few days ago a friend told me about this awesome new app called geoDefense by Critical Thought Games. At first glance I thought it was just another Tower Defense (TD) game, but after downloading it, I immediately became hooked. If you are not familiar with Tower Defense, the object is very simple, destroy creeps on a path using special towers before they reach the end. But even if you have played numerous TD games before, you have never played anything quite like this!
The developers have really worked hard in the design and graphics of geoDefense. The game is filled with a collection of amazing neon lights and effects. While playing, be prepared for a true shock and awe experience. As each creep is destroyed you will experience thousands of particles racing across your screen, while at the same time see spectacular 3D ripple effects. Now imagine killing 10 creeps at once, the effects on your screen all at once are simply mind blowing.
geoDefense stays true to the style of Tower Defense, however at the same time is vastly superior to any TD games currently on the market. geoDefense contains 3 difficulty modes, each with 10 fun levels for a total of 30 unique and challenging maps. Additionally, you get 5 upgradeable towers, each with their own special features.
During the first few levels of the game, you will be assisted by screens that will show you how to play, what each tower does and the occasional gameplay strategy. During every level, geoDefense will keep you on your toes and throughout the entire game, you will be fighting hordes of creeps. Higher levels in geoDefense pose as a real challenge even to the best of TD style games and the smallest mistake could easily cause you to loose.
One last thing about geoDefense is it’s stability. Even though there can be thousands of different particles zooming across your screen at once, the game never lags. During the few days that I have played it, I have never once had my iPod Touch crash or seen any drops in performance. I have also never been required to restart my device before playing. geoDefense is solidly built, flawless, fun, and simply amazing.
At only $0.99, geoDefense [App Store] is a must buy no-brainer, must buy app!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Playing this game is completely insane! You talk about a WOW factor … geoDefense is all WOW all the time. It’s like an endless firework show. Heck with gameplay, they could sell this bad bunny as the “The Show That Never Ends” app – a continuous firework show with jaw-dropping graphics and visual effects. Huge props to Critical Thought Games for bringing such quality to the App Store. At 99 cents, just download it now – no thinking is necessary! This game absolutely floored us, thus making geoDefense 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified.
A pet peeve here at KRAPPS are app descriptions that encourage users to leave positive reviews. These developers (or their bonehead Marketing folks) attempt every spin to get positive reviews … “don’t be negative for no reason in your comments” … “if there is a problem with this app, do not leave a review, rather email us” … “bad reviews can really hurt sales” … one developer even went as far as saying that YOU, the user, are responsible for crashing the app.
Come on folks … quit coding and use your head for some other form of intelligent thought … any product released to the public WILL get some lousy reviews … it’s impossible to satisfy everyone … so why put a bigger target on your back by pleading for positive reviews? … release your product, be proud of it, get the inevitable bad reviews, deal with it and move on (like my designer once said when dealing with the public/clients – “be emotionless”). It’s a pretty simple formula … have thick skin … say to yourself, “I don’t give a KRAPPS” … and come on, stop the school girl whining … “please, please, please – please don’t give me app a bad review – pleeeeaaasssseee don’t – PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!”
It baffles us that, Air-O-Matic, the developers of the Sticky Notes, applied such whine tactics for positive reviews … granted it’s a clever whine … but an annoying one never the less:
Sticky Notes is one of those to-do/note applications like Evernote, You Note or Remember The Milk … but with cool/unique feature … the app reminds you of an upcoming task by replacing your wallpaper to a sticky note wallpaper with your reminder message on it … brilliant! And the public agrees – 6 reviews, averaging 4 stars … solid stuff. So why? … why? why? must you KRAPPS up your app with this phase 4 whine? Publish your app – if you happen to get KRAPPS – deal with it.
Wow! What a weekend … talk about nuts. Party- Party – Party … oh yeah, we da cool party people … checking out all the hot hunnies while we do the clubbing scene. Need to drink lots of water today … head is still full of cobwebs – ouch. Heck, can’t even remember half the things we did … like everything is in a fog. But it’s all good … we da cool party people.
And boy did we get lucky this weekend. There’s this app that came out on Friday and we’re telling you – it totally saved our butts. Without this app, who knows what might of happened this weekend. It could have gotten really ugly (and we mean that literally – ha! ha! – we cool).
You see, the gifted developers at Hive Mind released an app which no cool party people should be without … it’s called Beer Goggles and it helps determine if you are too drunk to judge the physical attributes/attractiveness of a chicka (sorry ladies, hunks not included in this app … guess Hive Mind figures that men are pigs and will hit on anything with a pulse). Thankfully Beer Goggles was just in time for our cool party weekend of clubbing.
So check it … we were kicking at the ultra-trendy Hollywood nightclub, Les Deux (it’s the one where Katy Perry, Rhianna, Britney and all the other cool party celebs hang at … we hang with them all … not that we are name droppers or anything – ha! ha! – we cool). It was getting late (we were smashed), last call in 20 minutes, and we were having no luck with the hunnies – not even landing digits. So we saw this babe … just mind boggling smoking hot … sizzzzzzle … and we wanted to approach her. But then a brief moment of sobriety hit us … we decided to whip out our new Beer Goggles app and take the test as described:
Well guess what … we failed the test … we were wearing beer goggles. But even though we failed, we really won, because as Hive Mind states … we dodged an uncomfortable morning and an awkward walk of shame. So HUGE thanks to Hive Mind … these guys saved our butt and helped us literally avoid an UGLY situation. But it’s all good … we are still the party people – ha! ha! – we cool.
Continuing our theme of “Brilliant Ideas” from yesterday’s article, we would like to share another mensa moment. We will not take credit for this one, as this idea is purely the genius efforts of the folks at Meat Couch Productions (yes, the link is safe to click … we are a PG-13 rated site … go elsewhere if you seek smut).
So pay attention … follow closely the thought process. Remember, this is a mensa moment – extra effort to comprehend is required.
In the Real World, sex sells:
Want to sell a hamburger … stick a bikini-clad, Bentley washing Paris Hilton in your commercial. Want to sell domain names … just feature Danica Patrick taking a shower. Want to sell a sports magazine … make a swimsuit issue.
In the iPhone App World, things are a little bit different, farts sell:
Want to become the #1 selling app … release iFart. Want to sell a Twitter app … make Tweetie the farting Twitter app. Want to sell a music app … make a farting piano like the Fart Keyboard app. Want to sell a children’s game … release the Simon Says Fart app. Want to build a community app … release a social media fart app like Rate A Fart.
Ok, to review … so far we have established Real World versus App World selling strategies. Now we must understand the difference between the two buying audiences.
The Real World audience are your non-geeks:
People who are clueless with terminology like url, SEO, cloud computing, etc. They can barely plug-in a usb device and call the Geek Squad to setup their home network.
The App World audience are your typical geeks:
The barely realize a world outside the Internet. They attend geekfests like SXSWi. They idolize people like Steve Jobs and Guy Kawasaki. They wear “Byte Me” t-shirts. They feel naked without their MacBook.
Now the unique phenomenon is the iPhone … where Real World (non-geeks) collides with App World (geeks). Both adore iPhones and their two worlds meld into one. This really is a grand notion and something the mensas at Meat Couch Productions (seriously, this is not a porn studio) discovered. They turned the concept into a formula for billions$$ … Sex (Real World) + Farts (App World) = $$$$$$$.
Why do we give all the credit to Meat Couch? Four words … the BIKINI FART app!
Guess what … we are brilliant! No seriously … we really are. We’ve just came up with the most awesome idea for an iPhone app … this is the type of app that will immediately skyrocket to the #1 position and make us million$$ billion$$. We’re quitting our day jobs and taking over the App Store … screw Pocket God.
Since y’all (sorry, spent 5 days in Texas at SXSWi) are loyal KRAPPS viewers, we’ll let you in on our secret. But please … SHHHHH … don’t go babbling our stuff to EA Mobile, Appy Entertainment (wait, scratch them, they haven’t even released an app yet) or some other fancy pants mega-developer. Our idea is epic – so just be cool and don’t blow our billion$$.
So you know those one dollar bills you have in your wallet? Well check it … we’re going to sell an app that gives users step-by-step instructions on how to make a one dollar bill into a ring – the Dollar Bill Ring app. WOOT … told ya it was EPIC! Yeah, we came across this origami site that gives all the details. The site was so easy to find …all we did is Google “dollar bill ring” and boom, thousands of dollar bill ring making choices. Heck, there are even instructional YouTube videos. But you know … it was easy for us to find because we are brilliant … but for the common iPhone owner, no way would they ever find this info … so thus, we make billion$$.
Not a good idea? Whatever hater! You see it’s all about “positioning”. We’ve been hanging on Twitter a lot lately and following all these SEO, SEM, Social/New Media, Make Money Online and Life Coach experts, strategists and evangelists (Internet All Stars) … so now we’re even more brilliant. Just check out our Dollar Bill Ring App spin (thanks All Stars!):
And what do we charge for our Dollar Bill Ring app … why 99 cents of course … we’re going to sell crap-loads, so even if we charged 50 cents, we would still make our billion$$.
WHAT?!?! NO!!! SAY IT AIN’T SO!!! THIS BLOWS!!! ROTTEN BASTARDS!!! SOMEBODY STOLE OUR IDEA!!! IT’S ALREADY RELEASED!!! NOT ONE, BUT TWO DOLLAR BILL RING APPS!!! ARGH!!! NOT FAIR!!! MORE DAY JOB!!! WE SUCK!!! The freaking Eagle Ring and Pyramid Ring apps … THEY STOLE OUR BILLION$$!!