In many ways, the iPhone has enhanced our lives. Breaking news is always a touch away with the AP Mobile or USA Today apps. Evernote helps users record, organize and remember their thoughts, ideas, information, to-do lists and more. With Shazam, you’ll always be able to identify a song and even purchase it immediately from iTunes. Great stuff!
But on the flipside, this damn multimedia smartphone has really jacked up life as we know it. We can’t take a simple dump anymore … not with iPoop analyzing the health aspects of our fecal matter, Poo Price calculating the net worth of our stool and Poop The World begging us to broadcast the color, size and shape of our chalupa to its network of users.
Or how about making a cup of noodles? Long gone are the days of throwing it in the microwave for 3 minutes … with the iPhone, you should be using the dedicated Noodle Timer app to achieve noodle nirvana. Flagging down a taxi? Only idiots wave their hand to hail a cab … use the Taxi Hold’em app and avoid looking like a moron.
And how about sex or lack of it? You probably didn’t realize this … but you really should be recording each time you have sex and each day you don’t. In addition, it would behoove you to document your sexual partner(s), type of sex experienced and a numerical rating of the sex act itself … oh, and of course you will want to track solo sex acts as well. Now the beauty of all this information is that you can produce daily, weekly and yearly views of your sexual encounters – guess for more analysis and forecasting activities. Sounds complicated or like a pain in the ass? No worries … just use the Intimacy Tracker app.
LOL … seriously – do people track this stuff? BIG TIME FREAKS! And WTF … numbers do matter?!?! Slow down geek … you’ll get some leg tonight for sure you data dork. But maybe we’re indeed missing something … just look at these Intimacy Tracker user reviews. “Been keeping stats on my sex life for years using a spreadsheet” … “Stats are great” … LOL – we’re talking sex here people, not tracking your daily expenditures or Fantasy Baseball team. Thanks iPhone – now you’ve managed to F*%$ up our sex life (pun always intended).
Try this fascinating exercise: go to one of those app aggregator sites like Apptism or AppShopper … search the term “FART” and check out the number of results –> AppShopper returns 457 fart possibilities, while Apptism displays 613. Now granted, many of these results are wussy-bitch apps just keyword whoring off real fart apps, but nevertheless … DANG … that’s a lot of butt burps!
(from KRAPPS-Wikipedia: “Keyword Whoring” is the practice some developers use to improve their position in App Store search results, even though their app is totally not related to the keywords they list … also listing a top app, like Pocket God, can be used by keyword whores to pimp off the success of the top app listed.)
While the majority of fart apps remain your old, tired and so-six-months-ago … there are a few of these bean blowers that have attempted to kick it up a notch, tweaking their apps to include the old time tradition of … lighting farts.
Fart Lighter – Pull My Finger
If you’re a fartoholic, you might notice that Fart Lighter is really one of the original fart apps, Pull My Finger by Air-O-Matic. These cheek flappers were keen enough to realize the onslaught of methane bomb apps attempting to cash in on the anal volcano rage. So Pull My Finger made a business decision to pass gas on its competition and integrate fart lighting functionality. Once again … pure butt trumpet brilliance by Air-O-Matic.
As we mentioned, no one wanted to miss the anal volcano rage … so of course, it’s only natural to assume that “light your farts on fire” would be the next big one to rip. Eight Bit Studios jumped on this money making opportunity with Fart Lighter. We’re not exactly sure why Eight Bit produces iPhone apps when it’s obvious their true talent is marketing. Heck, just look at the awesomeness of their dedicated FartLighterApp.com web site which has
1 page and 17 choice words:
Fart Lighter… it rules. Light your flucking farts on fire.
Dude, you got a fart? Light it.
FLUCK yeah brah! We’re gonna light our FLUCKING farts on fire! This is FLUCKING cool!
Ok, these sound activated lighter apps are peachy keen … but the App Store is joke without a “light your fart on fire” iPhone game. Ahhh, no fear … the iLightFarts game proves the App Store is no joke, but truly revolutionary. Instead of us detailing iLightFarts, check out the freaky looking kid below who gives a hysterical overview of the app. The kid spent all his allowance on iPhone apps and ran out of money to purchase a video recorder … so if you want to see iLightFarts in action, check out the other video for a VERY SERIOUS review. Uh dude, we can’t take you seriously when your serious about reviewing a light your fart app, LOL.
Ideas are like opinions, everyone has one (or is that “ideas are like assholes, everyone has one” … oh, our bad … “opinions are like assholes” … whatever). Some ideas are brilliant … some are just plain dumb. The light bulb that went off in your head during your 13th keg stand of the evening … probably not a good idea.
> Helicopter Ejection Seat – not a good idea (think about
it, the blades would F you up).
> PiPiP – Picture in Picture (PiP) good idea, beyond
that, sucks to watch ants.
> Knee High Tube Socks – just plain wrong … our opinion of course.
> NFL Wednesday Morning Football – not so much for those Regis And Kelly addicted
stay- at-home moms.
Keg stand induced iPhone apps … bad idea?
Nothing like a 4+ rated app simulating the pumping action of a syringe. Last memo we received stated kids shouldn’t be running with scissors or playing with needles. Plus come one … are these needles even sterile – dirty needles are just bad news! Oh – and those user comments begging for customizable vials … shut up crack heads – go enjoy the Cannabis app.
Ewww … head, body and pubic lice are just freaking gross! Grosser than cock roaches? Uh yeah, cock roaches don’t live and eat your skin. And you know that itchy feeling you get when you see certain types or bugs and shit … well be prepared for that wonderful sensation after playing this app. We’re still itching and scratching from reviewing this app last week … please send Vitamin E to help with the scaring – this sucks.
Meat is cool … we like meat … we eat meat … but that’s about it. Look, there’s no need for meat furniture, meat suits, meat purses, meat iPod cases … and certainly no need for a Meat Clock. Sorry, this is not sexy … this is animal.
Coming in at a mild G-Rated 4+ … iSausage. Wrong name – should be iPhallic. Give it a shake … and the penis … ERRRR … the wiener jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles … yeah, you get the idea. This is the kind of stuff that Steve Jobs was referring to when he proclaimed the App Store as revolutionary. Go download iSausage now – everyone needs to display a penis icon … ERRR … a wiener icon on their iPhone.
We have a new pastime! Besides uncovering the biggest Sacks Of Suck in the App Store, we enjoy sharing the Dumbest Of Dumbass app rejections by Apple. It’s sort of like collecting baseball cards … we find apps that were rejected for the most moronic rationale (Minipops, Hotdog Down A Hallway, etc.) and display them in our baseball card album … errr … KRAPPS web site. A fun and entertaining little hobby … thanks Apple!
Our latest reject derives from the extremely popular I Can Has Cheezburger (ICHC) network of humor web sites … stuff like
FAIL Blog, Lolcats, etc. The ICHC app launched October 2008 as an extension of the network and displays content from all nine ICHC sites. The app is
uber-slick and developer Mike Cohen did a kick ass job coding it.
Now like any good developer, Mike was not satisfied with his first release. So in June, he submitted an update to Apple which would add a bunch of really cool features like Shake To Shuffle, Movie Support and more. But similar to many of his comrades … Apple delivered their famous epic nut shot squarely in Mike’s balls. Why? Because Apple determined that the images within the ICHC app are not suitable for kids under the age of 17:
Thank you for submitting I Can Has Cheezburger (Ad Free) to the App Store. We’ve reviewed I Can Has Cheezburger (Ad Free) and determined that we cannot post this version of your iPhone application to the App Store at this time because it is not appropriately rated. Our review indicates that the application content is not consistent with the current rating because it contains sexual content and mature or suggestive themes.
Please visit iTunes Connect to resubmit your binary and rate your application appropriately.
The kind folks at Apple forwarded a few images (see below) they felt were not age appropriate to ICHC’s current 9+ rating – all originating from the FAIL Blog site.
Fair enough … if Apple feels this material is not appropriate for 9+, so be it. But it sucks they were initially cool with the app being rated 9+, only to change their mind during a routine update approval. But whatever … developer Mike rolled with the punches and came up with a great solution – since the questionable content was from the FAIL Blog site, he added a code which filtered content to display only G-Rated material. A creative and brilliant solution that would even make Apple smile …. NOT!
Mike received basically the same rejection letter from Apple, stating the content is frequently mature and suggestive in nature and thus should be rated 17+. Apple failed to include any examples of the offensive material, leaving Mike thinking – “WTF” … it’s like Apple didn’t even review the app the second time … even Mickey Freaking Mouse would love this
G-Rated version and pimp it to all his 9 year old Mouseketeers. Not exactly sure why Mike needed to be kicked in his balls again when all he did was follow Apple’s rules. Obviously a 17+ rating would tank the app, not to mention there are significant problems developers face with a 17+ rated app … Shut Up Mike! No Update For You!
Unfortunately, Mike is not the only victim of dipshit Apple rejections. Developers are becoming increasingly confused, discouraged and pissed off. So what’s a dev to do? … develop Android apps as (Fake) Steve Jobs suggests (read his hysterical article)? Perhaps, but a group of resourceful folks are debating an Act of Solidarity to send Apple the message that their approval process sucks big time. Will they be heard? Will it be enough? Who knows … but it’s pretty pathetic that Apple’s lifeline (the dev’s) has to even consider this grassroots approach. Something is broken, why won’t Apple just fix the damn thing?
Ok, enough with the fun and games … there can only be so much Dancing Bacon Man, Ow My Balls, HornyMeter or Race Car Piles Of Poop. Silly is fine … but balance is essential. So today, we get all mind ninja on you … let’s dive into Chinese philosophy and discuss the concept of Yin and Yang. Oh don’t worry … it won’t be “CRAZY mind shit ninja” – it’ll just be “BASIC mind shit ninja”. After all, this is the iPhone App Store we’re talking about … pretty mindless drivel for the most part.
So Yin and Yang … per Wikipedia: “yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Many natural dualities – e.g. dark and light, female and male, low and high – are cast in Chinese thought as yin yang.”
Alrighty then – so in a high level nutshell … Opposite Forces In The Universe. And WTF does this have to do with iPhone apps? LOL … well just check out these two “Natural App Store Dualities” and you’ll totally understand the concept of Yin And Yang.
Casual Sex – Promiscuous Sex … oh it’s so good, isn’t it? One night stands … no emotional attachments … friends with benefits … hooking up anytime, anywhere. Oh and those late night booty calls – the bomb! Makes you feel like Da Shid. And why not … you bang, you leave … you ROCK. And since you rock it, what you really need is the Booty Gong app … made for Superstar Shagger like yourself. Like you and your boinking lifestyle, Booty Gong has one sole purpose … to announce you just completed a successful booty call.
LOL … Booty Gong. LOL … Casual Sex. LOL … One Night Stands. Yeah, whatever freaks – have fun with your venereal disease. Go ahead and bang all you want … the real deal is purity … saving yourself until marriage. Purity is a lifestyle commitment based on the Purity Pledge. A type of personal and spiritual belief that one carries privately in their heart and soul. Ahh, screw it … all the cool Purity kids have bitchin’ iPhones, so we pure peeps need a bitchin’ PurityRing app.
And on a final note … party with the Booty Gong and PurityRing developers at Casa de KRAPPS … LOL, that outta be one uncomfortable riot of an evening.
July 13: An Official Viagra App? Stickmen Invasion? Huh? – this one leaves us totally confused
July 14: For The Ladies, The “Stop Talking To My Breasts” App – is eye contact really overrated?
July 15: Sizzling Pork Porn – An iPhone Bacon Roundup – remember, bacon is meat candy
July 16: If 30,000 Users Say This App Sucks, Why Is It #1? – a closer look at the #1 Free App
July 17: Pork Brains In Milk Gravy – This App Comes Close – so freaking crazy and bizzare, we thought this app was a joke
July 18: LMAO Video From FlyChat – a must see promo video!
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Ow My Balls!
Ow My Balls! is a hysterical iPhone game centered around the mishaps of Joe The Juggler. Kick Juggler Joe off the ledge of a tall building … and he cries out – “OW MY BALLS!” As Joe falls, hit objects to score points and ignite the fart jetpack to make him travel the longest distance possible before making impact with the ground and crying out -
“OW MY BALLS!” This high quality game contains outstanding hand-drawn graphics, hilarious custom recorded sounds and user-friendly controls. Plus you have the ability to record your own “OW MY BALLS!” sound effect to use within the game. A bargain at only 99 cents … click here to purchase OW MY BALLS via iTunes or read our extensive review.
This app is a blast! To really appreciate iFight Pro [iTunes], click here and take a quick look at a demonstration video – it’s really cool. Combine a handgun, rifle, shotgun, slap, whip, gong, sword or punch with one of the eight background music tracks – and you’ll be awarded with a pure quality, enormously fun iPhone app.
There’s a reason 100sounds [iTunes] is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site, be sure to check out the hysterical user-submitted videos or click here to read our detailed review.
DrinkTracker – The Breathalyzer iPhone App
Don’t drink and drive! True words, but easier said than done. This is where DrinkTracker [iTunes] comes into play – your personal “alcohol conscious” – helping you to drink responsibly. DrinkTracker calculates your blood alcohol content (BAC) based on your profile and updates every 60 seconds. This is an extremely feature-rich breathalyzer app and at $1.99, a no-brainer bargain buy. Click here for our review or visit the DrinkTracker site for complete details and a fantastic demo video.
99 Games is an exceptional game developer cranking out such iPhone classics as WordsWorth (ranked as high #1 in the word game category), Chess Pro, Chess Lite, Aqua Jigsaw, and Jigsaw Wild. Their latest offering is Wordulous … an anagram like no others: multiple modes, global scores, Facebook Connect and more. 99 Games is committed to building only the highest quality and most entertaining games possible … all at affordable prices. Click here for our review.