The Gr(Ass) Is Always Greener

< Pardon us for a moment … we’d like to get all philosophical on you. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt. Sometimes it’s nice to sit back, relax and ponder this thing called “life”. Bear with us  and you might win a FREE app – see end of article for details. >

It’s human nature. Whatever we have, we want something different. Your neighbor gets a new car, a boat, or a new trophy wife and you want one too. It’s in our DNA. We can’t help it.

Sexy-Asian-Babes Perhaps that explains why the U.S. App Store is filled with hundreds of “Asian Hot Chick” apps? Stuff like … Cute Asian Girls – Asian Spice – Sexy Asian Babes (volumes 1-3) – Asian School Girls – Asian Boobs (uh yes, that is the actual name of the app … BOOBS).

If future anthropologists study this era, they will deduce that Americans worshipped scantily clad Asian  iPhone goddesses. And hell … they might be right.

But the folks at No Tie Software tells us something interesting. You see, No Tie has a new set of 4ZONEZ apps (17+ rating) which feature a challenging memory game where the reward is pretty photos and sexy videos, combined with fun banter and sounds. 4ZONEZ apps offer a variety of beautiful women and come in different flavors, so to speak. There are 4ZONEZ … All-American Girls – Bikini Babes – Country Cowgirls – Dirty Dancers – Exotic & Edgy … it’s like the 31 flavors at freaking Baskin Robbins.

4ZONEZ-Icons-Combines

Guess where All-American Girls and Country Cowgirls are selling like hot cakes (or better yet, cold sushi)?

4ZONEZ All American   4ZONEZ Country Cowgirls

Yep, those apps are doing gangbusters in Korea, Hong Kong, China, Philippines, etc. Looks like No Tie Software is performing their own cultural exchange program. What’s your favorite flavor of 4ZONEZ? First 5 viewers tells us in the comments section win the stated 4ZONEZ app (promo code only redeemable in the U.S. App Store. Apple’s rules, not ours).

September 28, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 11 Comments 

Press Releases That Don’t Suck

<confused by the title? no – you’re not in the wrong classroom. this really is KRAPPS and not Business 101. we promise.>

Being in da “biz” (LOL – whatever that means), we get a ton of press releases … and that’s nice! Everything from major app publishers, to independents, to iPhone accessory manufacturers, to those annoying SEO evangelists (LOL – whatever that means). Typical press releases are pretty straightforward:

<insert location> – <insert date> – “Company X”, a leading iPhone publisher, today announced the immediate availability of their exciting fast-paced iPhone game, “Really Cool App” in the Apple App Store. Please contact us for an exciting opportunity to review our “Really Cool App”.

Press releases … tired as shit – but we read them … and that’s nice!

Well yesterday we received a breath of fresh air from Rosebrae Technology … announcing their new iPhone game … iRateEm [iTunes – YouTube]. It’s a bit of a “meanie” app, but totally an original. So check out the app’s description and its pant pissing hilarious press release filled with <hooray for> sarcasm and self-effacing humor.

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iRateEm 1   iRateEm 2 FINAL

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Auckland, New Zealand – Sep 24, 2009 – Andy Griffiths, lead developer of the new iPhone application iRateEm has denied that he is the fat bloke seen in the application’s screen shots and that he rates a 4 (Munter).

Despite being short enough to be cast as an extra in Snow White and weighing over 85kg, the NZ based Brit stated "There’s no way I’m a 4, that’s so unfair. I’m at least a 6 (Not Bad) or a 7 (I would).

The new application, iRateEm, was released earlier this week and is designed to allow users to take pictures of people they see on a night out and pass them around their mates, taking turns to score their attractiveness. The loser is the player whose score is the furthest from the group average.

Although the game has received criticism from some quarters for encouraging a shallow view of people based on physical attractiveness, Griffiths is unrepentant.

"If it’s shallow to want to take a picture of a perfect stranger and immediately subject them to a judgment by my pissed up mates based on how big their booty is, then I hold my hand up and admit to being shallow. In reality iRateEm was actually conceived as a means of fostering better communications between the sexes and promoting peace and harmony for all, and there aren’t many better ways of doing that than passing around a picture of your mate Dave’s mum, who’s at least an 8 (Oh Yeah)"

Whilst the application has been praised for being well designed and written, there is strong competition from within the iTunes AppStore. Griffiths, however, is bullish.

"You’ve got to be joking, have you seen our main competitors developer? He’d be lucky to rate a 3 (Moooose) and quite frankly I have him down as a 2 (Double Bagger). Don’t tell me that a bloke with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp is going beat us!"

<clipped to save bandwidth – we’re paying for it and it get’s expensive!>

September 25, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 19 Comments 

Killa Kitties From Compton – Keepin’ It Real

(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

Cats. They never get old. Silly kats are the memes that shall live on forever, without a doubt. And Killa Kitties From Compton [iTunes] by developer StarvingEyes, is a nice display of hysterical kats.

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The game is composed of eight short and compelling mini-games that range from shaving a pussy to getting one wet (stop the madness – minds out of the gutter pleazzze). Oh, and the fun doesn’t stop there.

You’ve gotto do your best to keep these krazy kriminal kitties off the streets (I assume). But be quick, as these killa felines are krafty and will escape from every effort of trying to krack down on them (although you’d think with all the bling they wear, these kitties would be weighed down and slow, but totally not the case … damn fast kats … bling or no bling).

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Now, the fun doesn’t stop at the gameplay. The presentation is freaking hysterical. From the clip that starts the series of mini-games (chanting … "Compton Kitties, Keeping It Real.  You. Will. DIE!!”), to paws clapping as the words … "On To The Next Game" … pop up rhythmically, this game is krazy entertaining. And while I play most games without my headphones plugged in, this game has always got me going for the audio. I have a first-gen iTouch, by the way … no speakers … sucks for me.

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Now Killa Kitties From Compton may not be for everyone … like if you hate fun, for example. Otherwise, you will laugh your ass off. This game continues to have me in stitches every time I play. For only 99 cents, check it fo sho … it’s PERFECT!

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September 19, 2009 | Filed Under Games | Leave a Comment 

Fat Mama’s Pussycat Playland – A Freak Show

Dog-Faced-Man-FINAL Yesterday we appeared on the Los Angeles-based KROQ-FM’s Kevin & Bean Morning Show. During the interview, we referred to the App Store’s 75,000+ applications as a giant circus. Some of the apps are pretty standard fare like popcorn and cotton candy, while others are definitely “unique” and can be described as circus freaks. And since we obviously have a special place in our heart for bearded ladies and dog-faced men (or maybe we just have a thing for facial hair) … ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages – step right up and witness our newest sideshow performer,
Fat Mama’s Pussycat Playland.

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Fat-Mama-Web-Site Who exactly is Fat Mama and why should we be enamored by her Pussycat Playland is beyond us. All we know is that this app is one helluv freak show. Something about tickling Fat Mama’s belly, teasing with cat nip and maneuvering a ball of yarn is all we can comprehend. Heck, just visiting the developer’s web site and seeing a crown-bearing Fat Mama on display with her disturbing red eyes made us krap our pants in horror. The final nail in this freak show coffin was the troubling promo video we found on Fat Mama’s site … complete chaos, music that will make your ears bleed and a crazy talking cat at 46 seconds proclaiming – “My name is Fat Mama and I like being tickled”.

Push play if you dare! Warning … not for the faint of heart – can cause an epileptic seizure. Go ahead, make my day … crank the volume and push it!

 

September 16, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 10 Comments 

I Am the Sausage King, And I Can Do Anything

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

Anything sausagey, at least, in Escape of The Sausage King, a vertical scroller by Ryan Bell. You control the titular character by tilting left and right, hopping from bun to bun for brief bits of respite or bouncing on a pickle for maximum hang time. But don’t think for a second that the life of a Sausage King is all about the mustard monarchy and the regal relish. Dangers await his majesty in the form of the firey grill on the bottom and the sharp spikes along the top. One can only imagine what sort of Kielbasa Coup brought him to this fate.

Esacpe Of The Sausage King 1   Esacpe-Of-The-Sausage-King-

Your score is based on how long you survive and the game has three speeds to keep it challenging as your skills improve. The graphics & character animations are polished and the music is inspiring the first couple of times you hear it. I checked out the developer’s website and it appears that he is a graphic designer and musician, so the caliber of those aspects is much better than many other games in the 99 cent category. After a little while, though, I wanted to just listen to music from my iPod while playing. The app doesn’t support that, however, and the iPod music fades out upon launching.

Esacpe-Of-The-Sausage-King-   sausage-4

Gameplay is decent. As with any tilt-to-control game, you have to determine the sensitivity at first. I also played for quite some time before I figured out that the character will "warp" to the other side of the screen if you go off the side edges. The scrolling elements appear to follow a pre-defined pattern, so shattering scores on the high speed setting will ultimately depend on learning the pattern. However, the game is enjoyable for reaction play as well and will definitely keep the kids entertained on the drive home.

September 14, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | 8 Comments 

Urinals The Game – Krazy Kolossal Krapper Kaper!

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

icon01 I’ve only been in a couple of bathrooms that had an attendant and not one of those guys possessed the hilarious blend of customer service and wry sense of humor that you will find while playing Urinals: The Game by Bluebird Software. The premise of the game is quite simple: As the bathroom attendant, it is your job to direct your patrons to the appropriate stall (indicated by the color of their clothing) and, once they’ve finished their business, to direct them to an exit.

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Since making contact within the confines of the public restroom is a big no-no, you also need to make sure that each gentleman has plenty of clearance while they are in your care. In the first few levels, this is relatively easy, but as you progress it quickly becomes quite difficult. Each 3 level "set" introduces new challenges: at level 4, hand-washing is added to the experience and at level 7, you are moved to the port-a-potties at the local ball-field. That’s where I am currently stuck, trying to manage a large number of clientele with only two latrines. Johnny on the Spot, indeed! I have people spinning in the corners and a couple of guys running laps waiting for an open stall.

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The results can be oh so entertaining and the game is also great for drawing in others who are watching you play. Somehow, when your phone is making a toilet flush sound, people just have to ask what you’re playing. A bright and cheery tune plays throughout and the bathroom attendant carries on a continuous patter of one liners that definitely adds to the entertainment.

Urinals 4

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So, do you have what it takes to reach the pinnacle of pushing polished porcelain? There’s only one way to find out!

September 5, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | 9 Comments 

Before Those Puking Apps, There Is Get In My Belly

(written by guest author Parth Dhebar. follow Parth on Twitter @pdparticle)

kobayashi Do you obsess over food? Staring at food – singing about food – touching food – smelling food – dreaming about food – drawing food … and of course, the ultimate in food obsession … EATING food!

If this sounds familiar … great news, you’re in luck … of course there’s an app for that. Get In My Belly is an app about EATING food. The objective of the game is to see how many hot dogs your character can eat in 30 seconds. So if you ever wanted to be like that Kobayashi hot dog eating champion dude … get Get In My Belly (that makes sense, right?).

Get-In-My-Belly-Title

So let’s start off with the game play. The app works … no crashes or freezes – it did not break my iPhone … in my book, that’s a good start. The game play is straight forward and exhilarating. You only have 30 seconds to shove all this food down your throat – talk about pressure and adrenaline rush, big wave surfing pales in comparison to competitive eating.

Get In My Belly Action 1   Get In My Belly Action 2

The only part that sucks is for those who like reading instructions before playing a new game … uh, there are none! <bangs head on desk> The game play touch sensitivity could use some tweaking … if you have a screen protector on your device, it may be difficult at first to pick up the hot dogs and throw them in your mouth. Remember … you only have 30 seconds … so fumbling around trying to pick up your hot dogs is not all good.

On the positive side … the worldwide scoreboard is great for us over-the-top competitive folks. The claymation graphics are original and awesome. And finally, the game sounds add another dimension to Get In My Belly’s hysterics.

Get In My Belly character 2 Get In My Belly Character 1 Get In My Belly Character 3

Get In My Belly is a unique app and to my knowledge, the only competitive eating game in the App Store. Now there are plenty of vomiting puke apps … but obviously those are an after effect of Get In My Belly. <gross>

August 31, 2009 | Filed Under Games, Guest Authors | 13 Comments 

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