In case you missed the memo, Apple now allows porn in the App Store … as long as the graphic sexual images do not involve human beings. Yes indeed folks, brace yourselves for the onslaught of animal pornography apps … with the first arrival appropriately named … Animal Sex.
Animal Sex informs and educates about reproduction in the animal kingdom. From goats to flies, meerkats to frogs, snails to hippos … Animal Sex details a wide variety of creatures and their sexual techniques. Wonderful, we feel smarter already.
Although flies and snails having sex is really not our thing … but since Apple seems to be cool with canine coitus and boinking bitches, we call first dibs and have already begun developing Humphrey The Humping Dog iPhone app!
Please take a brief moment to read the following description below. Go ahead, we’ll wait … this is, after all, all about you.
So let’s summarize what we read, just to make sure we are both on the same page. This app is called Burrito … it costs 99 cents … and it gives you a (as in “one”) breakfast burrito recipe with video instructions.
Are you F%#KING kidding us?!?
It’s a FREAKING burrito!!!
Why is this KRAP even in the App Store?!?
LOL … seriously, you want a breakfast burrito recipe? Save yourself a buck and click here, here and here. Don’t know how to “assemble” a burrito? Come here so we can whoop you upside the head … it’s a BURRITO, not brain surgery! Whip up some eggs … cook a chorizo … throw it in a tortilla … and BOOM – a breakfast burrito (and you owe us a buck).
Oh, but hold on! Looks like we missed some critical selling points of the Burrito app …
“The videos do not offer verbal instructions but the recordings are at close up which makes it easy to follow”
Holy shit … close up silent videos! yeah dev dude, you’ll get our dollar fo sho! Why the hell are you even telling us this? Wait for it … there’s even more to this phenomenal burrito video garbage …
“The videos can also be paused, stopped, fast forwarded or rewinded”
Seriously dev dude, are you talking to us? We’re a bit offended by this statement … we are NOT morons, we passed the Moron Test! Actually, screw this – we’re done taking this abuse from the Burrito app. One flippin’ recipe … blech! Maybe throw in an additional 99, mix in a Burrito Fart button and a chicka holding her boobs … then maybe … just maybe … we’ll consider your silent burrito movie app. But for now –
Adiós Burrito Estúpido Loco!
Breaking News! … from the makers of the Farts and Poop iMobilepedia apps …
Binary Moustache presents their latest mobile encyclopedia iPhone application …
also know as – V****a (iMobilepedia)
Yes, with the VAGINA app … (errr, sorry) … with the V****a app, you’ll be able to teach your kids or parents about VAGINA … heck, while you’re at it, give yourself a refresher course. VAGINA is simply the most amazing resource in the App Store! You’ll never leave home without VAGINA – carry VAGINA wherever you go. Also, being the nice person you are … share VAGINA with your friends (or if you’re a dickhead, keep VAGINA to yourself). And this VAGINA is a bargain … when was the last time you paid only 99 cents for VAGINA?
Since everyone should be able to enjoy VAGINA … VAGINA is conveniently rated suitable for 12-year-olds … actually, to be honest – this rating is to ensure that children will educate their parents about VAGINA … what, you haven’t heard about the new “Kids – Teach Your Parents About VAGINA” movement? And of course VAGINA is perfect for parents and teachers … you’ll be able to avoid those awkward VAGINA conversations with your children or students – how cool and convenient is that?
Now never mind the fact that the word VAGINA has been censored by Apple (yes, just like Intercourse, VAGINA is a dirty word) … gotta give it up to Apple for having the sense to apply the profanity filter to VAGINA, yet allow images of a full blown spread eagle VAGINA … this is business savvy at its finest … or is it simply ironic? … nah, it’s educational.
We spoke with Pocket God developer, Dave Castelnuovo, regarding his thoughts about VAGINA. Initially Dave was pissed at us for prying into his personal life, but when he finally understood our VAGINA inquiry, he briefly responded … “I love VAGINA!” … Dave then rushed off mumbling something about getting to work on a medical reference application of various implants for aspiring plastic surgeons. Like we said, he was mumbling, so we couldn’t quite hear him, but we believe Dave’s new app will be called … B****T.
All kidding aside … similar to our Poker vs Girls article where it was “accidentally” discovered that Apple will approve images of people taking or their clothes, but not taking off their underwear … perhaps Apple’s guidelines for approving nudity is strictly for educational purposes. Whatever the case may be, it would behoove Apple to make the policy clear and straight forward … seems like a reasonable request.