Girls, Toilet Paper And Batteries – Apps That Leave Us Confuzzled

Confuzzled [-verb] – a combination of being confused and puzzled, not knowing what the F  is going on:  What the hell’s going on? I’m confuzzled? (per Urban Dictionary).

Confuzzled is the perfect word to describe our state of mind after coming across these next  apps. If anyone can shed some light on these enigmas, we could actually rest easy and finally get some sleep. Thank you!

In our “How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps” article, we noted several surefire ways of achieving zero sales … Be A Douchebag, Be A Pothead, Be A Hater, Be Blunt. Guess we need to add another one to the list … Be Honest.


Battery Status (5% Accurate) … while we appreciate MeachWare’s honesty, it’s probably not the best idea to highlight the fact that your measurement app is only five percent accurate. Come on dude, those are some very shitty performance specs. Honesty will get you into Heaven, but it won’t get you on our iPhone.

We like girls. We like toilet paper. But sometimes things are just mutually exclusive.


Toilet Paper Babe … huh? … sexy hot Japanese chicks wrapped in/on toilet paper? Oh how we love the Japanese and their cutting edge sex trends. But think we’ll pass on these ass paper babes and stick with yummy sushi girls.

Augmented Reality For Pizza – Seriously, Why?

threadless-iphone-poop There’s a cool t-shirt at which says … “Having an iPhone has completely changed the way I poop”. LOL … ain’t that the truth. The iPhone is information and productivity at its finest. Just think of all the things you can do while taking an iCrap … read the latest news, post to your blog, Twitter (we admit … been there, done that), play a game of Monopoly, learn to speak Russian, buy stocks, play the piano, edit a photo and thousands of other activities.

The iPhone – technology at its finest! … or is it?

Sometimes we feel the iPhone is just way overrated. Like a once no-brainer task, all of a sudden requires the use of an iPhone … a crutch. You can’t just stick your arm out and flag down a cab … no, you need the “hail a taxi” app. You can’t just leave a tip in the 20% ballpark … no, you need a tip calculator app to figure out the gratuity down to the last penny. Laying out, catching some rays … no you can’t do that! You need a “suntan turn-over” app to notify you when the optimal turn-time arrives … WTF.

I guess the geeks are to blame. After all, they develop and publish apps … it’s their ideas. And of course geeks are totally over the top when it comes to being analytical. Never once did we worry about our pizza costing more per square foot than the carpet at KRAPPS World Headquarters. Never once did we worry if that 19-inch pizza is a better value than the 16-inch. But now we do, thanks to the Amazing Pizza Calculator app … damn you geeks!



And the price of pizza is not the only thing geeks are ruining … it’s even how you cut it. You simply cannot eyeball slicing your pizza into evenly-sized portions. No … that would be uncivilized. You now need the aid of augmented reality technology when cutting your pizza, the Reality Slice app.


Reality-slice-1  reality-slice-2

Hey, nothing against augmented reality, it technology rocks … but come on, pizza?!? Just slice the damn thing and eat it – no fuss, no muss. Too much technology is melting our brains … the iPhone has become a crutch. Pretty soon we won’t even be able to wipe our ass without the iPhone. Oh wait, is that what they meant – “having an iPhone has completely changed the way I poop”? There’s an app for that? Don’t even think about it geek!

Sex Notifier App Helps You Have Undisturbed Sex

iphone-saves-life The iPhone never ceases to amaze us … is there anything it can’t do (well, besides running Adobe Flash)? Just the other day we read this headline from NBC News … Earthquake Survivor Calls iPhone A Life Saver. Hear that? The iPhone saved some dude’s life! American film producer Dan Woolley was buried alive under a pile of rubble, after the massive earthquake that hit Haiti last week. Dan used the light from his iPhone to identify injuries to his leg and the Pocket First Aid & CPR app to treat head and leg wounds and managed shock. He survived being buried for 64 hours … freaking amazing!

sex-signal-doorknob And besides Pocket First Aid & CPR, there are many other life saving possibilities available in the App Store. Take for example this common crisis … after you take your hunny out for a romantic evening, the two of you head back to your pad for some sex, only to find out your  roommate is deeply involved in a game of Modern Warfare 2. Or perhaps you and your sweetie are getting crazy on the couch and your roommate comes barging in through the   front door. Talk about a mood killer …. argh!

Now back in the olden days, these awkward situations could be avoided by hanging a sock or tie on the doorknob … the universal “We’re Having Sex In Here – Do Not Disturb” signal. But now that the revolutionary iPhone exists, why bother with such archaic methods? As the app says … “Sex Notifier is here for you, solving one of life’s most pressing problems through technology.”


Has a life saver ever been so easy? Simply add appropriate contacts, enter sex notifier message and the estimated duration of your shagging session … then push send. You’ll be able to shag away in peace knowing everyone has been properly informed about your love making intentions.

sex-notifier-1  sex-notifier-2

LOL … indeed, technology at its finest. But what if you have no roommates and thus no problems? Well, as the app cleverly states … you can also “brag to your friends as it’s all going down.” Ah yes, of course … the tell while kissing technique. However for Sex Notifier to remain competitive with this sleaze, Twitter integration is imperative … the more, the merrier.

Apple Bans forChan Developer – Did Not Realize Web Browsers Can Access Porn

Remember Charles Rodriguez? He’s the dude we wrote about last week … the 26-year-old President of iHustleApps and the developer of the infamous forChan app. forChan is a web browser specifically designed for imageboards such as Futaba Channel, 4chan, 420chan, The Wired and others. With its start-up page set to an imageboard displaying dogs, it took Apple less than 12 hours to approve and publish forChan.

forChan1  forChan-Dog

And just as quick … Apple banned forChan after four days of existence. Why? = Porn. Just like any web browser, the end user is able to access pornography through forChan. It’s important to note that forChan is not a porn app … there is no code or Easter Egg within the app that enables porn. Rather forChan can be used to view porn (or other images like dogs  or whatever) … it’s up to the end user to enter the desired imageboard URL. Hmmm … does this sound familiar? Gizmodo thinks so … calling for the ban of Safari and Bing on the iPhone, since they are web browsers just like forChan.


Well things go from bad to worse. Yesterday … nine days after forChan was banned … Apple revoked Charles’ developer license and removed all of his 224 remaining apps from the App Store. Charles has been completely banned from developing iPhone apps.

forChan-Banned We contacted Charles to inquire exactly what was Apple’s reasoning for completely booting him out of the iPhone Developer Program (iDP) … Charles said, “Via email, Apple indicated that I violated Section 6.1 of the iDP Agreement by hiding the nature of the forChan app from when it was originally submitted for review. I set forChan’s launch page to an imageboard containing dogs. Apple stated that it was only later they discovered that forChan can be used by end users to access pornographic content, which is not permitted under the iDP Agreement.” “Per the iDP agreement,” Charles continued, “Apple has the right to terminate my license for dishonest and fraudulent acts, including trying to hide application functionality from Apple’s review.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa … slow down sparky! Did you say Apple did not realize that a web browser can access porn? “It’s confusing to me as well, but that’s what Apple stated in the Notice Of Termination email they sent me,” Charles said. “I attempted to call Apple for further clarification,” Charles continues, “but they stated that all correspondence regarding this matter can only be in email format.”

It should be obvious that forChan could access porn … even its description states, “forChan is a web browser app … any content including UNCENSORED pics can be accessed.” Now Charles did jump on the porn imageboard bandwagon and created his own adult site … however this information was not publicized within the app or its description (unlike the SuicideGirls application where its URL is displayed in the description and the app).


So maybe Gizmodo is right … ban Safari and Bing. And while you’re at it, revoke Apple’s and Microsoft’s developers license. Or how about the hundreds or third-party web browsers … we all know why they include Private Web Browsing as a feature. Hell, there’s even an iPrOn Private Browser app … pron (or pr0n) is porn, deliberately misspelled.


And why do imageboard browsers still remain in the App Store? The iImageboard app is identical to forChan … enter a URL and you are connected to its content, porn included. Anonyma is another one … and even easier access to porn by simply entering one letter as the URL … type in S and a “Sexy Women” pornography imageboard is revealed.


Anonyma-1  Anonyma-2

A final question remains … will Apple forward Charles’ portion of revenues from his apps sold in December and the first 20 days of January? “I certainly hope so as I rely on iPhone development to support my mother and kid sister. Our rent is literally due in ten days,” said Charles. Hmmm, I don’t know bro … we’re thinking you might get that famous six-word Jobs response … “Not That Big Of A Deal”.

Tiger Woods iPhone Linked To His Domestic Disturbance Incident

Tiger-Woods-Face So have you been keeping up with the Tigers Woods sex scandal? Supposedly Tiger’s face is totally thrashed (missing teeth and shit) and thus he’s been laying low. Former NHL coach Pat Burns appeared on a Montreal radio station and claimed that the infamous Thanksgiving incident between Tiger and Elin was a result of Elin discovering text message exchanges with Rachel Uchitel.

“Tiger’s wife asked what it was, these messages and who was this woman,” said Burns. “He kept saying there was nothing there. He went to watch television. … then suddenly, bang! A nine-iron in the face! He left the house running without shoes. Elin followed him with the club. He left in his Escalade. She followed him and broke two or three windows.”

Damn, you go girl … crazy Viking bitch! But what Burns didn’t know is how Elin originally discovered Tiger’s communication with Rachel Uchitel. Well, we know … and we’ll share.

Little known fact – Tiger Woods uses an iPhone … he is an app addict. Guess Tiger just couldn’t help himself …



WTF … Apple approved the Call Mistress app? Manwhores everywhere rejoice!

Look, what you do with your driver is entirely up to you. But if you choose to play with it on courses other than your home, it’s probably not a good idea to download the Call Mistress app … nah, don’t think the wife would appreciate it much. BANG!

Melt Away Your Snotcicles With The iPhone

Snotcicle-FINAL BRRR … it’s January … the middle of winter … and it’s freaking cold! (unless of course you’re in Australia, enjoying the awesome 80 degree summer weather … screw you) It’s so cold that Tiger Woods is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm … the inmates are begging for the electric chair … and our balls have become ovaries. Baby, it’s cold!

So besides setting your house on fire or getting a fever … what can you do to keep warm? Simple. Remember your $300 iPhone? Apple says it’s revolutionary … and it really is … because now with the help of two new apps, the iPhone can melt those snotcicles away.



Genius! Developers know that the iPhone already heats up when running certain programs, so might as well build an app which simply uses 100% of the CPU and market it as a battery drainer … errr … hand warmer. Yes, you too can look like a complete idiot by tucking a couple of iPhones in your gloves during your next ski trip for the most expensive hand warmers ever. Then again, folks buy $300 True Religion jeans … who are we to mock a $300 hand warmer?

But while iHandwarmer sounds great … what if you need to crank out a bit more BTU’s? Like if you want to heat up your house or make toast. Then you got to go with the finest in iPhone cookers …

Pocket Heat



Now that’s what we’re talking about … a freaking portable heater. TOASTY! Hey, if it’s so cold outside that the Chicken Ranch is charging 50 bucks just to blow on your hands … then buy Pocket Heat and put the $49 savings towards another menu item.

Oh wait … Pocket Heat is a half-gimmick / half-real app. It’s not an actual space heater. Well thank you Mister Obvious. What gave us away … the “I’m With Dumbshit” t-shirt our friend is wearing? You almost had us! The iPhone is a space heater … you funny Michael P. Austin … you funny. Next thing you know we’ll be reading headline news of how the iPhone saved some lost hikers from freezing to death.

Apple Preaches Safe Sexting, Approves Safe Sexting App

Sexting … ever heard of it? Meh, don’t worry. Just means you’re out of high school and don’t have a MySpace page. Basically kids these days are using their cell phones to take sexually explicit pictures of themselves and then sending them via text message (MMS) to their friends. Sex + Texting = Sexting. And it’s a fairly popular activity among teens. Just yesterday, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric reported that according to a recent Pew poll (no idea, google it), 30 percent of 17-year-olds have received a sext, while 15 percent of all   teens have. LOL … freaking kids these days … so technologically advanced.

sexting_22 But sexting is no laughing matter. Sucks for you teenager when your nude images start appearing on Facebook and Twitter. Sucked even more for High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens … naked photos from her sext swept the Internet. And the ultimate suck – it’s a crime – possessing and distributing child pornography is a serious felony.

So in efforts to keep the kiddies free from sexting danger, a number of safe sext messages are being published. Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton has released a practice safe sexting PSA video … … the National Crime Prevention Council issued a Sexting: How Parents Can Keep Their Kids Safe flyer … and of course, released a NSFW safe sexting music video, including tips like blur your face and strategic cropping.


Not to be outdone, Apple has joined the safe sext movement. Perhaps they figured with the  introduction of iPhone MMS, it’s the socially correct thing to do, approve Safe Sexting.


With Safe Sexting, perverted kids can now continue to enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves and as an added bonus … they’ll stay out of jail. Before your next sexting session, simply launch Safe Sexting … which will automatically open up a safe sexting camera with four options to censor you naughty bits: Small Box, Large Box, Head Box (for the introverts) and a teasing semi-transparent Red Silk. Take picture and safely send away.

Safe-Sexting-1  Safe-Sexting-2

Safe-Sexting-Hudgens-1  Safe-Sexting-Hudgens-2

Big up’s to Apple for providing children a safe method of sexting. However we’re actually not that impressed. If Apple can somehow transform the iPhone into a condom and tackle the larger safe sex issue … now that would be revolutionary!

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