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Steve Jobs Releases His First-Ever iPhone App?


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Fresh off his Fortune Magazine CEO of the Decade crowning achievement, Apple’s beloved frontman, Steve Jobs, has decided to join the 100,000+ iPhone applications with his own contribution. After a crash course in Objective C and instant approval (Apple law … when Steve Jobs makes an app, no approval is required), Steve Jobs released his fist-ever iPhone application … Steve God Knows.

God-Knows-Title

God-Knows-Splash

And really, was there ever a dispute? Steve Job’s God’s company is valued at $170 billion …  Apple stock is at an all-time high … cult members everywhere are being inked with Apple logos. Hell, dude even kicked cancer’s ass.

So yeah, no doubt about it … Steve Jobs God is God!    

Steve-Jobs-Moses   Steve-Jobs-God

704444483_42c834e137   Steve-Jobs-SDK

Hey Teenagers – Sucks To Be You!


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Steve-Jobs-Sucks-To-Be-You Are you a teenager? Still in high school? … if you answered “yes” … ha, sucks to be you! Yesterday we talked about the difficulties of being single (herpes, itchy crotch, drippy dick, etc.), but holy smokes … teens got it tough too! You need to score 9700 on your SAT’s and take 7 years of English and Math just to be considered for community college (great show, btw). You can’t chalk your ID to buy wine coolers. The consequences for bringing a flare gun to school are far worse than a mere detention (great movie, btw). And what the hell, skateboarding is now a crime. Yeah, sucks to be you Mr. High School Senior … blech!

Another thing that sucks about being a teen is the iPhone. Oh whatever teenage freak … thinking you’re all bad ass with your 3GS … “oh look at me – I have push technologee” … not! The iPhone is your curse – your ultimate FML. Yeah look at this app, teenage bitches …
Speed Limit Notifier … sucks to be you!

Speed-Limit-Notifier-TITLE

What a concept! Download Speed Limit Notifier on junior’s iPhone … mix in a cool 30 miles per hour … punch in your email address … and BOOM …

“Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Junior is now cruising at 37 miles per hour! – Busted!”

Speed Limit Notifier 2

Speed Limit Notifier 3

<brrring, brrring, brrring>
Junior: “uh, hello, Dad?”
Father: “you’re speeding! pull over you little shit! your Mother and I will be right there to pick your sorry ass up! you’re grounded young man!”
<click>

To make sure it’s not just us who find this whole idea whack, we cruised down to the local high school and showed Speed Limit Notifier to some students (not really, but we did ask some teenagers on Twitter). Their reactions …

>>> Oh, wow. That … is bullshit. F%&K. It pisses me off that it even exists.
>>> Freaking huge invasion of privacy. Might as well have your parents in the car with you.
>>> Ewww … get away from me! No I don’t want to see your iPhone. Creep!

LMAO … what’s next? …

“Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Missy’s Blouse Has Been Unbuttoned! – Busted!”
”Intruder Alert! – Intruder Alert! – Junior Dropped An F Bomb – Busted!”

Come on Daddy-O … don’t be that guy. Step away from Speed Limit Notifier and wash that damn “Happy Sweet 16, We Love You Missy” window painting off mom’s minivan. It’s tough enough being a teenager, no need to muddy the waters even more with revolutionary iPhone parenting technology … or those obnoxious public displays of affection, blech!

moms_minivan

Plus One App – So Ugly It’s Cool


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Steve Jobs foam number one The Plus One app is a free calculator which does one thing … it adds the number one over and over again. We wanted to hate it … rip it … and   classify it as one of those stupid limited functionality apps. We tried our best to blow this piece of krapp up. But we couldn’t – this little Plus One bastard of an app kept making us pee our pants in hysterics.

Developer Taber Buhl did a bang up job with Plus One. … his app is completely idiotic, yet reading Plus One’s description below – it’s comedic brilliance. So brilliant in fact that we now proudly display Plus One on our own personal iPhones.

(in efforts to save bandwidth – after all, we are paying for it – minor edits have been made)

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I’d like to introduce to you a revolutionary app now available for your iPhone. Plus One is an exciting new calculator app that lets you add the number 1 as many times as you want.

Plus-One-Title

Now I know what you’re saying: "Oh great, another bloated calculator app with all kinds of scientific doohickeys and whoseymawhatsits crammed onto the screen that I’ll never even use, because all I want to do is add 1 over and over." … WRONG! … For the first time ever, exclusive to the iPhone, there is a calculator designed to add the number 1. Plus One was built from the ground up with one specific goal in mind … to provide you with a smooth, enjoyable experience of adding the number 1 for as long as you see fit. You can add 1 to itself once, twice, or even several times all together. Why not 100 times in a row? Why not 1,000? That’s right, using your iPhone you now have the power to add the number 1 as long as you want, with nothing to hold you back.

Want to divide 200 by 4? Need to solve for x y or z, find the surface area of an octagon stacked on top of an isosceles triangle, or some other zany kind of math problem? Want to subtract? No sir (or ma’am), Plus One is NOT for you!

Plus-One-Hero

What’s the best part of Plus One? Well it isn’t its raw ability to increment the number 1.
No – it’s that YOU decide when and where to carry out your adding!

> Add the number 1 in the privacy of your own home or on the go. Grocery shopping with
   your Mom and she needs 3 pears? Add 1 three times. Problem solved.

> On the beach getting a tan with nothing better to do and don’t want to nap because you
   recently chugged an energy drink? Add 1 to itself repeatedly while soaking up rays.

How you choose to use Plus One is entirely up to you… as long as you use it to add the number 1! The only limit is your willingness and steadfastness to incrementing.
Ask yourself "How long can I add the number 1?" Go ahead, I’ll wait… You don’t know, do you? Well there is only one way to find out … download Plus One today and start adding the number 1 instantly! Never has there been a better time to add the number 1 than right now.

Plus-One-Comments

A Gizmodo Fantasy Comes True


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Gizmodo wrote an article about a cool mobile phone application called TXT’N’WALK which enabled users to write text messages while walking (and of course, not run into stuff like  light poles, parked cars or whatever). Utilizing the phone’s built-in camera, the app allows the user to focus on the messaging screen but still see “through” the phone.

txtnwalk 

Well as noted by Gizmodo, the problem with the TXT’N’WALK application was that is was an April Fool’s gag – a total fake. Gizmodo was pissed because they thought such functionality would be awesome and felt they were being teased:

“Curse you April Fools, because I want this: TXT’N’WALK pipes in the forward-looking view of your phone’s camera in a little PIP window while you type out a message. Good idea!”

Well somebody wake up Gizmodo and tell them their iPhone fantasy has finally come true. Introducing the  Email ‘n Walk app from Phase2 Media. It’s very cool … it works … and for a very limited time and as of this writing, it’s FREE! Click here to download via iTunes – hurry!

EmailWalkDesc

EmailWalk1

(thanks to @CoryOBrien for the April Fools tip)

Deal With It


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No-Whiners! A pet peeve here at KRAPPS are app descriptions that encourage users to leave positive reviews. These developers (or their bonehead Marketing folks) attempt every spin to get positive reviews … “don’t be negative for no reason in your comments” … “if there is a problem with this app, do not leave a review, rather email us” … “bad reviews can really hurt sales” … one developer even went as far as saying that YOU, the user, are responsible for crashing the app.

Come on folks … quit coding and use your head for some other form of intelligent thought … any product released to the public WILL get some lousy reviews … it’s impossible to satisfy everyone … so why put a bigger target on your back by pleading for positive reviews? … release your product, be proud of it, get the inevitable bad reviews, deal with it and move on (like my designer once said when dealing with the public/clients – “be emotionless”). It’s a pretty simple formula … have thick skin … say to yourself, “I don’t give a KRAPPS” … and come on, stop the school girl whining … “please, please, please – please don’t give me app a bad review – pleeeeaaasssseee don’t – PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!”

It baffles us that, Air-O-Matic, the developers of the Sticky Notes, applied such whine tactics for positive reviews … granted it’s a clever whine … but an annoying one never the less:

StickyAppDesc

StickyAppRatings Sticky Notes is one of those to-do/note applications like Evernote, You Note or Remember  The Milk … but with cool/unique feature … the app reminds you of an upcoming task by replacing your wallpaper to a sticky note wallpaper with your reminder message on it … brilliant! And the public agrees – 6 reviews, averaging 4 stars … solid stuff. So why? … why? why? must you KRAPPS up your app with this phase 4 whine? Publish your app – if you happen to get KRAPPS – deal with it.

Clearly Obnoxious


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obnoxious_rosie-after Long names are obnoxious. The guy with 14 letters in his last name … not his fault, but clearly obnoxious! Major League Baseball team “The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim” … sorry Arte Morino, totally obnoxious! Long movie titles … “Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines Or How I Flew From London To Paris In 25 Hours 11 Minutes” … also obnoxious! Longest url …

 www.thelongestlistofthelongeststuffatthelongestdomainnameatlonglast.com/wearejust
doingthistobestupidnowsincethiscangoonforeverandeverandeverbutitstilllookskindaneatin
thebrowsereventhoughitsabigwasteoftimeandenergyandhasnorealpointbutwehadtodoit
anyways.html

… waaaaaay obnoxious, but kinda cool.

Same goes with iPhone apps. The HiCalc Winner Of Best Calculator In The 2007 PPC Magazine Awards app. Just called the damn thing HiCalc and be done with it. No need to throw your marketing spin into the title … NOT a clever tactic at all. We are all very proud of developer PPCLINK and their award from PPC Magazine, but based on the obnoxious factor of your app, I’m turning the page … even if you win the 2008 award. <yawn>

HiCalcDesc1

Beacon Of Brightness


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Life is full of stress … work, school, death, divorce, finances, traffic, economy, stress pregnancy, etc. Stress is all around us and can really become a burden if one’s Stress Index exceeds 100 stress points.

Luckily we have the iPhone and its 20,000+ available apps. Couple that with thousands of talented developers, producing some amazingly useful apps and the iPhone becomes an integral part of life. Not to mention a stress relief tool … thus helping you avoid those nasty stress points.

Traffic Stress? – plenty of traffic cam and speed apps
Breast Feeding Stress? – plenty of breast feeding “coaching” apps
School Exam Stress? – plenty of study aid apps
Financial Stress? – plenty of financial planning/budget apps

noodles Take for example another very common stressful situation … making cup of noodles. For most, this is a daunting task with multiple steps of preparation … cooking directions from Nissin Cup Noodles:

1) Pull back lid to dotted line
2) Fill cup to inside line with boiling water
3) Close lid and let stand for 3 minutes
4) Stir well and enjoy

Agreed … INSANE! Like cooking a 5-course gourmet dinner … screw that … cup ‘o noodles are simply not worth the additional 15 stress points. I’d rather relax and eat at McDonald’s.

But wait! Trash the Big Mac! A savior has arrived. A talented developer who will reduce cup ‘o noodles prep stress. Presenting Masahiro Kurokawa and his amazing NoodleTimer app:

NoodleTimer is a timer application designed only for instant cup noodle cooking. It supports your noodle cooking quickly and easily by a simple interface.

Features include:
Can be set to 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 minutes
Alarm sounds and vibrates when noodle is ready

NoodleTimer Screen1

PURE GENIOUS! Everyone should stand up and applaud Mr. Kurokawa for his brilliance and outstanding achievement in app development. With too many idiotic apps like Pandora, Evernote and Google Earth … NoodleTimer Is A Beacon Of Brightness In A Sea Of Gloom.

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