Apple Approves iPhone Strip Club Locator App

So these locator apps are pretty cool. You know – the ones where you push the “location” button and the iPhone does its geolocation ninja thing to pinpoint your current location … then the app spits out all the related stuff nearby. Certainly can come in handy … find the nearest Starbucks, McDonald’s, gas station or whatever (although you could just as easily go outside, take a look around and find a Bux or Mickey D’s … they are freaking everywhere). They have locator apps for just about everything … banks, post offices, pizza joints, donut shops, car dealerships, apartments … heck, even marijuana … and as featured here on KRAPPS … Find A Gynecologist <—WTH.

Peep-Show_final Unfortunately, the App Store is not perfect … it’s sorely missing a locator app which we feel is imperative to the continued success of the iPhone. Thinking about this missing app, we are overcome with feelings of sadness and begin to weep. We need this app to complete us … we need a Strip Club locator app!

But a small, two person independent game development company has decided to take a walk on the wild side and turn our frown upside down. Thank you JT Harkey and Julie Leiby of Happy Cow Games for completing us … thank you for the Gentleman’s Club Finder app.

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Consider Gentleman’s Club Finder your Guardian Angel … be gone those feelings of desperation – you’ll always know where to find that next lap dance or $100 bottle of Andre Cold Duck Champagne. Oh and this app is so awesome … do that whole touch geolocation ninja thing and not only does Gentleman’s Club Finder spew out the nearest nudie bars, but it also gives detailed driving directions, one-touch call functionality and reviews of each club … flippin’ golden!

GCF1    GCF2

Editor’s Note: BUYER BEWARE! During our extensive review of the Gentleman’s Club Finder app, we came across a bug. Seems JT and Julie tapped into the wrong national strip joint database. Per the app’s search results, we visited the Las Vegas-based Red Rooster (above left image, first entry) in hopes of discovering fresh and titillating exotic dancers. But what we found left us confused, frightened and scared for life!

RedRooster4  RedRooster5

July 27, 2009 | Filed Under Navigation | 2 Comments 

Recap: Week Of July 20

iphonekrappsV1GIF In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.

July 20: The Yin And Yang Of iPhone Sex Apps – when opposite forces collide

July 21: More Rejections From Apple – I Can Has Cheezburger – idiotic is a good adjective for this decision

July 22: Keg Stand Brilliance And iPhone Apps – the creativity of these apps are amazing

July 23: The Evolution Of Anal Volcano Apps – see what’s become of fart apps

July 24: Analyze Your Sex Life With Intimacy Tracker – is the iPhone jacking up our life?

July 25: Chess Wars For iPhone Is Solid anti-KRAPPS – former Digg lead architect’s, Joe Stump, app

July 26, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | 4 Comments 

Chess Wars For iPhone Is Solid anti-KRAPPS

(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)

chess2 Released about two weeks ago, Chess Wars [iTunes] by Blunder Move incorporates Facebook Connect functionality to allow you to challenge opponents and make your moves all from the comfort of your iPhone or iPod Touch.  The app’s ultra-clean interface will not get in the way while you wield chess mastery over your friendly foes.  The first order of business, of course, is to find someone to play against.  This person will need to be your friend on Facebook and will also need to have the Chess Wars app (the developer’s website mentions that a web client is planned for the future).  Once identified as meeting these criteria, you are able to issue a challenge and the game is underway.  For your friends who do not yet have the app, you can send them an invitation, which presumably offers them a link to quickly locate the application in the App Store.

   ChessWars1

The game board is very well represented, with easily identifiable pieces and, for chess novices, the legal moves highlighted when a piece is selected.  An in-game chat offers the ability to taunt (or praise, if you so choose) your opponent with witty banter.  The chat messages and the move notifications can also be sent to the Facebook account (this is turned on by default).  The previous moves registered in the game are always available for careful review, quiet contemplation and perhaps a bit of uninhibited consternation.

ChessWars2   ChessWars3

antikrappssealv2gif Since the game’s success is dependent on widespread adoption, it has been priced accordingly at the minimum 99 cents.  Sure, there are other chess apps in the App Store which feature an AI to play against.  This app is clearly positioned as the choice for playing against your Facebook friends and it’s also 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified!

The game currently has a few issues for which the developer has already submitted an update.  These are mostly minor annoyances and do not detract from gameplay.

July 25, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 1 Comment 

Analyze Your Sex Life With Intimacy Tracker

In many ways, the iPhone has enhanced our lives. Breaking news is always a touch away with the AP Mobile or USA Today apps. Evernote helps users record, organize and remember their thoughts, ideas, information, to-do lists and more. With Shazam, you’ll always be able to identify a song and even purchase it immediately from iTunes. Great stuff!

iPhone_FupFINAL But on the flipside, this damn multimedia smartphone has really jacked up life as we know it. We can’t take a simple dump anymore … not with iPoop analyzing the health aspects of our fecal matter, Poo Price calculating the net worth of our stool and Poop The World begging us to broadcast the color, size and shape of our chalupa to its network of users.

Or how about making a cup of noodles? Long gone are the days of throwing it in the microwave for 3 minutes … with the iPhone, you should be using the dedicated Noodle Timer app to achieve noodle nirvana. Flagging down a taxi? Only idiots wave their hand to hail a cab … use the Taxi Hold’em app and avoid looking like a moron.

And how about sex or lack of it? You probably didn’t realize this … but you really should be recording each time you have sex and each day you don’t. In addition, it would behoove you to document your sexual partner(s), type of sex experienced and a numerical rating of the sex act itself … oh, and of course you will want to track solo sex acts as well. Now the beauty of all this information is that you can produce daily, weekly and yearly views of your sexual encounters – guess for more analysis and forecasting activities. Sounds  complicated or like a pain in the ass? No worries … just use the Intimacy Tracker app.

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Intimacy_Tracker_Splash   New_World_RecordFINAL

LOL … seriously – do people track this stuff? BIG TIME FREAKS! And WTF … numbers do matter?!?! Slow down geek … you’ll get some leg tonight for sure you data dork. But maybe we’re indeed missing something … just look at these Intimacy Tracker user reviews. “Been keeping stats on my sex life for years using a spreadsheet” … “Stats are great” … LOL – we’re talking sex here people, not tracking your daily expenditures or Fantasy Baseball team. Thanks iPhone – now you’ve managed to F*%$ up our sex life (pun always intended).

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July 24, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 13 Comments 

The Evolution Of Anal Volcano Apps

Try this fascinating exercise: go to one of those app aggregator sites like Apptism or AppShopper … search the term “FART” and check out the number of results –> AppShopper returns 457 fart possibilities, while Apptism displays 613. Now granted, many of these results are wussy-bitch apps just keyword whoring off real fart apps, but nevertheless … DANG … that’s a lot of butt burps!

(from KRAPPS-Wikipedia: “Keyword Whoring” is the practice some developers use to improve their position in App Store search results, even though their app is totally not related to the keywords they list … also listing a top app, like Pocket God, can be used by keyword whores to pimp off the success of the top app listed.)

Keyword_WhoringFINAL

lighting-a-fart-on-fireFINA While the majority of fart apps remain your old, tired and so-six-months-ago … there are a few of these bean blowers that have attempted to kick it up a notch, tweaking their apps to  include the old time tradition of … lighting farts.

Fart Lighter – Pull My Finger
If you’re a fartoholic, you might notice that Fart Lighter is really one of the original fart apps, Pull My Finger by Air-O-Matic. These cheek flappers were keen enough to realize the onslaught of methane bomb apps attempting to cash in on the anal volcano rage. So Pull My Finger made a business decision to pass gas on its competition and integrate fart lighting functionality. Once again … pure butt trumpet brilliance by Air-O-Matic.

Fart Lighter
As we mentioned, no one wanted to miss the anal volcano rage … so of course, it’s only natural to assume that “light your farts on fire” would be the next big one to rip. Eight Bit Studios jumped on this money making opportunity with Fart Lighter. We’re not exactly sure why Eight Bit produces iPhone apps when it’s obvious their true talent is marketing. Heck, just look at the awesomeness of their dedicated FartLighterApp.com web site which has 
1 page and 17 choice words:

Fart Lighter… it rules. Light your flucking farts on fire.
Dude, you got a fart? Light it.

FLUCK yeah brah! We’re gonna light our FLUCKING farts on fire! This is FLUCKING cool!

Fart_Lighter_1   Fart_Lighter_2

iLightFarts
l-light-farts_icon Ok, these sound activated lighter apps are peachy keen … but the App Store is joke without a “light your fart on fire” iPhone game. Ahhh, no fear … the iLightFarts game proves the App Store is no joke, but truly revolutionary. Instead of us detailing iLightFarts, check out the freaky looking kid below who gives a hysterical overview of the app. The kid spent all his allowance on iPhone apps and ran out of money to purchase a video recorder … so if you want to see iLightFarts in action, check out the other video for a VERY SERIOUS review. Uh dude, we can’t take you seriously when your serious about reviewing a light your fart app, LOL.

 

 

July 23, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games | 17 Comments 

Keg Stand Brilliance And iPhone Apps

kegstandIDEA Ideas are like opinions, everyone has one (or is that “ideas are like assholes, everyone has one” … oh, our bad … “opinions are like assholes” … whatever). Some ideas are brilliant … some are just plain dumb. The light bulb that went off in your head during your 13th keg stand of the evening … probably not a good idea.

> Helicopter Ejection Seat – not a good idea (think about  
   it, the blades would F you up).
> PiPiP – Picture in Picture (PiP) good idea, beyond 
   that, sucks to watch ants.
> Knee High Tube Socks – just plain wrong … our opinion of course.
> NFL Wednesday Morning Football – not so much for those Regis And Kelly addicted
   stay- at-home moms.

Keg stand induced iPhone apps … bad idea?

iNeedle
Nothing like a 4+ rated app simulating the pumping action of a syringe. Last memo we received stated kids shouldn’t be running with scissors or playing with needles. Plus come one … are these needles even sterile – dirty needles are just bad news! Oh – and those user comments begging for customizable vials … shut up crack heads – go enjoy the Cannabis app.

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iNeedle1   iNeedle2

Lice!
Ewww … head, body and pubic lice are just freaking gross! Grosser than cock roaches? Uh yeah, cock roaches don’t live and eat your skin. And you know that itchy feeling you get when you see certain types or bugs and shit … well be prepared for that wonderful sensation after playing this app. We’re still itching and scratching from reviewing this app last week …  please send Vitamin E to help with the scaring – this sucks.

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Lice1   Lice2

Meat Clock
Meat is cool … we like meat … we eat meat … but that’s about it. Look, there’s no need for meat furniture, meat suits, meat purses, meat iPod cases … and certainly no need for a Meat Clock. Sorry, this is not sexy … this is animal.

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MeatClock

iSausage
Coming in at a mild G-Rated 4+ … iSausage. Wrong name – should be iPhallic. Give it a shake … and the penis … ERRRR … the wiener jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles. Give it another shake, it jiggles … yeah, you get the idea. This is the kind of stuff that Steve Jobs was referring to when he proclaimed the App Store as revolutionary. Go download iSausage now – everyone needs to display a penis icon … ERRR … a wiener icon on their iPhone.

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iSausage

July 22, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 17 Comments 

More Rejections From Apple – I Can Has Cheezburger

We have a new pastime! Besides uncovering the biggest Sacks Of Suck in the App Store, we enjoy sharing the Dumbest Of Dumbass app rejections by Apple. It’s sort of like collecting baseball cards … we find apps that were rejected for the most moronic rationale (Minipops, Hotdog Down A Hallway, etc.) and display them in our baseball card album … ICHC_logo errr … KRAPPS web site. A fun and entertaining little hobby …  thanks Apple!

Our latest reject derives from the extremely popular I Can Has Cheezburger (ICHC) network of humor web sites … stuff like
FAIL Blog, Lolcats, etc. The ICHC app launched October 2008 as an extension of the network and displays content from all nine ICHC sites. The app is
uber-slick and developer Mike Cohen did a kick ass job coding it.

ICHC_Screen1 ICHC_Screen3 ICHC_Screen2

Now like any good developer, Mike was not satisfied with his first release. So in June, he submitted an update to Apple which would add a bunch of really cool features like Shake To Shuffle, Movie Support and more. But similar to many of his comrades … Apple delivered their famous epic nut shot squarely in Mike’s balls. Why? Because Apple determined that the images within the ICHC app are not suitable for kids under the age of 17:

Thank you for submitting I Can Has Cheezburger (Ad Free) to the App Store. We’ve reviewed I Can Has Cheezburger (Ad Free) and determined that we cannot post this version of your iPhone application to the App Store at this time because it is not appropriately rated. Our review indicates that the application content is not consistent with the current rating because it contains sexual content and mature or suggestive themes.

 

Please visit iTunes Connect to resubmit your binary and rate your application appropriately.

The kind folks at Apple forwarded a few images (see below) they felt were not age appropriate to ICHC’s current 9+ rating – all originating from the FAIL Blog site.

ICHC_Reject1   ICHC_Reject2

Fair enough … if Apple feels this material is not appropriate for 9+, so be it. But it sucks they were initially cool with the app being rated 9+, only to change their mind during a routine update approval. But whatever … developer Mike rolled with the punches and came up with a great solution – since the questionable content was from the FAIL Blog site, he added a code which filtered content to display only G-Rated material. A creative and brilliant solution MickeyMouseKick that would even make Apple smile …. NOT!

Mike received basically the same rejection letter from Apple, stating the content is frequently mature and suggestive in nature and thus should be rated 17+. Apple failed to include any examples of the offensive material, leaving Mike thinking – “WTF” … it’s like Apple didn’t  even review the app the second time … even Mickey Freaking Mouse would love this
G-Rated version and pimp it to all his 9 year old Mouseketeers. Not exactly sure why Mike needed to be kicked in his balls again when all he did was follow Apple’s rules. Obviously a 17+ rating would tank the app, not to mention there are significant problems developers face with a 17+ rated app … Shut Up Mike! No Update For You!

Unfortunately, Mike is not the only victim of dipshit Apple rejections. Developers are becoming increasingly confused, discouraged and pissed off.  So what’s a dev to do? … develop Android apps as (Fake) Steve Jobs suggests (read his hysterical article)? Perhaps, but a group of resourceful folks are debating an Act of Solidarity to send Apple the message that their approval process sucks big time. Will they be heard? Will it be enough? Who knows … but it’s pretty pathetic that Apple’s lifeline (the dev’s) has to even consider this grassroots approach. Something is broken, why won’t Apple just fix the damn thing?

July 21, 2009 | Filed Under News | 42 Comments 

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