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The Yin And Yang Of iPhone Sex Apps
Ok, enough with the fun and games … there can only be so much Dancing Bacon Man, Ow My Balls, HornyMeter or Race Car Piles Of Poop. Silly is fine … but balance is essential. So today, we get all mind ninja on you … let’s dive into Chinese philosophy and discuss the concept of Yin and Yang. Oh don’t worry … it won’t be “CRAZY mind shit ninja” – it’ll just be “BASIC mind shit ninja”. After all, this is the iPhone App Store we’re talking about … pretty mindless drivel for the most part.
So Yin and Yang … per Wikipedia: “yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole. Many natural dualities – e.g. dark and light, female and male, low and high – are cast in Chinese thought as yin yang.”
Alrighty then – so in a high level nutshell … Opposite Forces In The Universe. And WTF does this have to do with iPhone apps? LOL … well just check out these two “Natural App Store Dualities” and you’ll totally understand the concept of Yin And Yang.
Casual Sex – Promiscuous Sex … oh it’s so good, isn’t it? One night stands … no emotional attachments … friends with benefits … hooking up anytime, anywhere. Oh and those late night booty calls – the bomb! Makes you feel like Da Shid. And why not … you bang, you leave … you ROCK. And since you rock it, what you really need is the Booty Gong app … made for Superstar Shagger like yourself. Like you and your boinking lifestyle, Booty Gong has one sole purpose … to announce you just completed a successful booty call.
LOL … Booty Gong. LOL … Casual Sex. LOL … One Night Stands. Yeah, whatever freaks – have fun with your venereal disease. Go ahead and bang all you want … the real deal is purity … saving yourself until marriage. Purity is a lifestyle commitment based on the Purity Pledge. A type of personal and spiritual belief that one carries privately in their heart and soul. Ahh, screw it … all the cool Purity kids have bitchin’ iPhones, so we pure peeps need a bitchin’ PurityRing app.
And on a final note … party with the Booty Gong and PurityRing developers at Casa de KRAPPS … LOL, that outta be one uncomfortable riot of an evening.
Recap: Week Of July 13
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
July 13: An Official Viagra App? Stickmen Invasion? Huh? – this one leaves us totally confused
July 14: For The Ladies, The “Stop Talking To My Breasts” App – is eye contact really overrated?
July 15: Sizzling Pork Porn – An iPhone Bacon Roundup – remember, bacon is meat candy
July 16: If 30,000 Users Say This App Sucks, Why Is It #1? – a closer look at the #1 Free App
July 17: Pork Brains In Milk Gravy – This App Comes Close – so freaking crazy and bizzare, we thought this app was a joke
July 18: LMAO Video From FlyChat – a must see promo video!
Thank You KRAPPS Sponsors
We would like to take a brief timeout to thank our valued sponsors. Without their support, there would be no KRAPPS (uh, that doesn’t sound right). All these peeps are solid folks, have quality products and we’re proud to be aligned with them. So support KRAPPS, show our sponsors some love … you’ll become a better person.
Be Seen With KRAPPS
KRAPPS is the only web site dedicated to iPhone humor and fun. Take advantage of our unique niche by advertising on KRAPPS. We offer four different sponsorship packages to ensure participation at every budget level. Contact us at info@KRAPPS.com to receive our media kit, rate card and to secure your advertising placement.
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Ow My Balls!
Ow My Balls! is a hysterical iPhone game centered around the mishaps of Joe The Juggler. Kick Juggler Joe off the ledge of a tall building … and he cries out – “OW MY BALLS!” As Joe falls, hit objects to score points and ignite the fart jetpack to make him travel the longest distance possible before making impact with the ground and crying out -
“OW MY BALLS!” This high quality game contains outstanding hand-drawn graphics, hilarious custom recorded sounds and user-friendly controls. Plus you have the ability to record your own “OW MY BALLS!” sound effect to use within the game. A bargain at only 99 cents … click here to purchase OW MY BALLS via iTunes or read our extensive review.
iFight Pro
This app is a blast! To really appreciate iFight Pro [iTunes], click here and take a quick look at a demonstration video – it’s really cool. Combine a handgun, rifle, shotgun, slap, whip, gong, sword or punch with one of the eight background music tracks – and you’ll be awarded with a pure quality, enormously fun iPhone app.
100sounds
There’s a reason 100sounds [iTunes] is the #1 soundboard app … cuz it rocks! This app not only provides hundreds of high quality originally recorded sound effects, but also includes loop and delay effects for all your comedic purposes. Plus you can get hundreds of ringtones emailed to you, automatically, at no extra charge! 100sounds was already a bargain at $0.99, so this enhancement makes it a great deal! Click here to view web site, be sure to check out the hysterical user-submitted videos or click here to read our detailed review.
DrinkTracker – The Breathalyzer iPhone App
Don’t drink and drive! True words, but easier said than done. This is where DrinkTracker [iTunes] comes into play – your personal “alcohol conscious” – helping you to drink responsibly. DrinkTracker calculates your blood alcohol content (BAC) based on your profile and updates every 60 seconds. This is an extremely feature-rich breathalyzer app and at $1.99, a no-brainer bargain buy. Click here for our review or visit the DrinkTracker site for complete details and a fantastic demo video.
99 Games
99 Games is an exceptional game developer cranking out such iPhone classics as WordsWorth (ranked as high #1 in the word game category), Chess Pro, Chess Lite, Aqua Jigsaw, and Jigsaw Wild. Their latest offering is Wordulous … an anagram like no others: multiple modes, global scores, Facebook Connect and more. 99 Games is committed to building only the highest quality and most entertaining games possible … all at affordable prices. Click here for our review.
LMAO Video From FlyChat
Yesterday, one of the strangest, most bizarre applications arrived in the iPhone App Store … the flyChat app. It has something to do with sending messages to random strangers via buzzing flies within flyChat’s unique social network. Weird stuff … which we haven’t took the time to quite digest (“I know an old lady who swallowed a fly –
I don’t know why she swallowed a fly” – it’s a kiddy story, come on, never heard of it?). If you want to check more of flyChat out, TechCrunch and Mashable have good write ups … and of course you can visit flyChat’s site where you’ll find detailed (way geeky) diagrams about this messenger fly thing.
Now the point of this story is not to discuss flyChat … but to share the equally bizarre, strange and disturbing flyChat promo video. Again, not really sure WTF they are talking about … but the Fly In A Suit character is freaking nuts and the Old Deaf Man plays an equally entertaining supporting actor role. Crazy funny shit from flyChat! …
HELLO – McFLY?!? (it’s a movie, come on, never heard of it?)
Pork Brains In Milk Gravy – This App Comes Close
Have you ever heard something so incredibly ridiculous that you thought for sure it was a joke … only it turns out to be true? Take this BS for example … dude suffering from headaches finds a bullet in his head … WTH – true! Or did you know no matter how hard you try to tickle yourself, you won’t laugh … WTH – true! Pork brains in milk gravy … WTH – true! Scuba divers can’t fart at depths of 33 feet or below … WTH – true!
So we came across this app called Pork Brains In Milk Gravy … no, no, no – just kidding! What we really did come across is an app that’s so completely insane we had to get a second and third opinion. We simply could not believe it … we totally thought it was a joke. But no, just like scuba farts … this ain’t no joke. This is HangTime baby!
WTF is this? … “measure how high you can throw your iPhone” … uh, somebody is “high” alright with that request. Sure, we’re dumbasses … we’ll launch our $300 iPhone towards Mars and hope to God we catch the damn thing before it shatters into zillion pieces. Freaking A – is this an episode of Jackass? But apparently it’s all true … shit, these badass HangTime users even videotape themselves in the act …
In Your Face! – New World Record, Biatch! – Chicks dig me cuz I play HangTime! And the online scoring thing is brilliant – the numbers are hysterical. … there are running counters for the number of iPhones thrown in the air (currently 594), number of times iPhones have been thrown (27,376) and time iPhones have spent in freefall (8,844 seconds). Dave Hufnagel is the single throw leader at 1 minute 7 seconds. Damn, dude must have a bionic arm … LOL, uh no … freak actually took the iPhone skydiving with him and now trash talks all other HangTime challengers.
So the “unaided” single throw leader is Tee Jay Green at 5.95 seconds. Now we admit it, being freaks ourselves, we tried this HangTime krapp … our best time was 1.41 seconds and that was tossing the thing pretty freaking high. So we can’t even imagine 5.95 seconds … TJ, bro – you are complete kook! But actually, Tee Jay is already a legend. In the first 28 days of owning the app … he has 4 of the Top 10 scores, has thrown his iPhone 2,072 times for a total is 545 seconds. LOL … that’s nearly 10 minutes of air time, averaging 74 throws a day! WTH TJ … stop training for the Olympics – iPhone tossing is not an event.
We think the best part of this story is the approval angle. So Apple reviewed HangTime one day after it was submitted. Because of the global high score functionality, HangTime recorded the actual throws and location of the Apple employee (0.59 seconds = wussy!) reviewing the app. Then it took Apple EIGHT MONTHS to finally approve it! They must have been really confused with this one … “no boobs – what do we do?” … priceless … LOL.
Just a word of caution, because we know most of you will go out and try to kick Tee Jay’s ass in HangTime … please throw your iPhone responsibly and under no circumstance attempt to enjoy HangTime under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Thank you for your attention in this matter. Godspeed!
If 30,000 Users Say This App Sucks, Why Is It #1?
Last week we featured Punk’d apps … iPhone applications that are so freaking stupid, they seem to be playing a practical joke on Apple – will Apple really approve this total piece of garbage? Typically, Punk’d apps have extremely limited functionality … like the “Friday?” app … push a button and depending on what day of the week it is, the app displays “Yes It’s Friday” or “No It’s Not Friday”. Yeah it’s lame … but what’s lamer is that Apple approved it.
Not to beat a dead horse, but we came across what might be the ultimate App Store bottom feeder … an app that’s so bad, it makes you want to smack both Apple and the developer upside the head for offering such krapp.
From the makers of such fine apps as “BullCrap Lie Detector”, “My Sexy Watch”, Bloody Razor” and “Burping Farting Piano” … Inner Four, Inc. presents … the Mirror Free app. This app is simply a game changer! Launch Mirror Free and your iPhone screen goes completely blank (except for a frame) … then you’re supposed to carefully tilt the iPhone to see your reflection in the black background (patience, it takes practice). Flippin’ brilliant!
Oh and by the way, did you notice the amount of ratings this sack of shit has received … over 30,000 in the span of 2-weeks since it was released July 1 – proudly displaying its
1 and a half star. Most developers would kill just to receive a quarter of Mirror Free’s ratings (sans the 1 and a half stars). It’s mind boggling that this app could generate such public outcry, that a consumer would actually feel compelled to take the time and apply a low rating. LOL … Mirror Free has the special ability to piss people off.
Now the story gets even better. Take a quick minute to jump in the App Store, click the Top Free Apps category and have a look … (go ahead, check it out, we’ll wait until you get back)
Ok, back now? – good. Yeah, our feelings exactly … WTF IS THAT?!? …
Mirror Free Is The #1 Free iPhone Application!
How the hell can an app receive over 30,000 krappy ratings be the #1 app? Apple’s user rating “secret formula” is seriously jacked up if this is the kind of nonsense it generates as #1. HELLO APPLE – over 30,000 users say it sucks – Mirror Free should be buried in App Store hell, not flipping the bird at hard working developers as it reigns King of free apps. Check your math Apple – it blows big time.
Oh and let’s not even discuss Mirror Free’s in-app advertising … so who knows how much bank Inner Four is making. Is this really what the Revolutionary App Store is coming too … piss off enough people with your useless trash and be rewarded as #1? Good thing Baby Shaker was pulled, little sucker would still be sitting in the top spot.
Change the “secret formula” Apple! Obviously quantity does not equal quality …
Mirror Free is a bad joke and so is your rating system.
Sizzling Pork Porn – An iPhone Bacon Roundup
So yesterday we wrote about man’s obsession with boobs. Today we switch gears a little … let’s talk about bacon fascination. Have you noticed that bacon is getting totally out of control lately? Long gone are the days of supermarket bacon brands like Oscar Mayer or Boar’s Head. Nope, these days it’s all about gourmet artisanal bacon … slow smoked, sugar glazed, organic, corn fed, dry aged, etc. … bacon freaks are rivaling those wine snob nut jobs.
(editor’s note: parents, don’t dress your kids up in bacon suits … we will punch you)
And it’s not just the actual piece of meat … bacon is everywhere! Bacon Salt – Bacon Vodka – Bacon Toothpicks – Bacon Lamps – Bacon Wallets – Bacon Bandages – Bacon Air Fresheners – Bacon Dental Floss – Bacon Shoes … damn, supposedly there’s even Bacon-flavored Diet Coke – WTH is that? Seriously, Google all this shit … it’s crazy!
So obviously not a big surprise … bacon comes sizzling into the App Store. First up we have three fairly straight forward bacon apps … Pocket Bacon, GetBacon and Instant Bacon. These apps bring the sights and sounds of an endless supply of sizzling bacon to your iPhone – call it Bacon Porn, but without the grease.
Similar to Bacon Vodka, this app is a bit squirrely … Tic-Tac-Bacon … from Dave Calabrese’s App-A-Day project. Come to think of it, Tic-Tac-Bacon makes perfect sense. Face it, tic-tac-toe is pretty freaking lame … but throw in some bacon action … and this sack of suck all of a sudden becomes golden and trendy (not quite as appealing as
Sexy Tic-Tac-Toe … but close).
Next we have the bacon-flavored Diet Coke of iPhone apps … the completely bizarre and whack … Dancing Bacon Man. Get this … picture dude – in a suit – with a disturbing bacon head … this sight alone will cause nightmares for days. Now picture the same suit-wearing bacon head dancing the Cabbage Patch or the Egyptian Walk or the Hip Thrust … WTF – LOL. Just complete bacon dancing madness … and rumored to be outlawed in 24 States.
To conclude, we present the ultimate bacon experience … the iBacon app. Now this is not your ordinary sizzling bacon app, rather iBacon takes inspiration from the interactivity of Pocket God. With iBacon, the user experiences the joy of cooking bacon, flipping slices with kitchen tongs, splattering grease, setting off a smoke alarm, draining the grease and finally eating the bacon by tilting the iPhone into your mouth. Rather than our feeble attempt of describing this masterpiece, check out the mouth-watering demonstration video below …
So remember … Bacon Is Meat Candy … and when it comes to eye candy, nothing beats the iPhone for pure pork pleasure (stay tuned for the Sexy Farting Bikini Girl Bacon app).
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