How Much Does Steve Jobs Really Love You?

steve-jobs-loves-you-1 Last month during the iPhone 4 Antennagate damage control press conference, Steve Jobs must have said “We Love Our Users” several million times (which personally feels kind of creepy … like we’re Apple drug addicts or something and Jobs is our pusher – hmmm, guess this is sort of true – ewww).

We didn’t quite mind this proclaimed love affair until Jobs made the following statement …

We love our users so much we’ve built
300 Apple retail stores for them

LOL – stop the bullshit Steve, you’re killing us smalls … cnet reports the REAL reason you built 300 Apple stores = $2.58 billion in quarterly revenue. Hahaha … that’s a $$ whole $$ lot $$ of $$ lovin’$$ !

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August 18, 2010 | Filed Under News | 6 Comments 

Sicko For iPhone Lives Up To Expectations – Grossest App In The App Store

[WARNING: do not read this article before, during or immediately after a meal – thank you for your attention in this matter]

First came the fart apps … followed by vomit … then the overtly sexual bikini girl apps … with some psychic healer applications thrown in for good measure. Let’s hope this next app doesn’t start a new App Store copy cat trend … Sicko.

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Nothing really clever or slick about Sicko … it’s exactly as the app describes:

The most disgusting, horrifying and gross medical images around. Gross yourself and your friends out with blood and gore and many horrific and shocking injuries and infections.

THE SICKEST APP IN THE APP STORE!

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The only purpose of Sicko is to serve up healthy portions of gunshot wounds, tooth decays, open sores, gangrene and an assortment of other appetizing pleasantries.

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Although we completely disagree with the positioning of the app … we highly recommend Sicko to all those demented freaks who get off on these types of shocking and disturbing images. However like we said … the app is being marketed all wrong. Sell Sicko as a “curb your appetite” / “weight loss” application and you’re in for App Store $$ GOLD $$ !

August 17, 2010 | Filed Under Entertainment | 5 Comments 

This Is What Geek Porn Looks Like [Video] – plus Recap Week Of August 9

Ad-Krapps-170x170 Subscribe to our RSS feed and/or download the 100% free KRAPPS iPhone app … it’ll make you feel better!

In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

August 9: Circuit Board iPhone iOS 4 Wallpapers – Twice The Geeky Coolness [Download]

August 10: Learn Oral Sex The Apple Way With C*********s 101 [NC-17]

August 11: We Downloaded iSwimNude Because We Like To Swim Naked!

August 12: FU Apple Results In Huge Sales, Then Quickly Banished – Camera+ Pulled From App Store

August 13: White iPhone 4 Delay, The Real Reasons – Evil Orcs, White Supremacists & More [Comic]

August 14: This Is Why Steve Wozniak Rocks! [Video]

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Oh No! Geeks Gone Wild!

LMAO! From Revision 3 Internet Television … this is what happens when geeks get all sexed up and start shooting XXX videos.

Unboxing Porn – iPad Edition … it’s sexy, seductive and HOT HOT HOT!

 

August 15, 2010 | Filed Under News, Recap | 4 Comments 

White iPhone 4 Delay, The Real Reasons – Evil Orcs, White Supremacists & More [Comic]

white_iphone4_endjuly_F Still holding out for a white iPhone 4 in 2010? Haha … good luck! Try 2011, if that.

And what’s the deal behind the delay? Reports speculate a variety of reasons … shortage of glass, bent frames resulting in misaligned phones, white paint not thickening … MEH -  bull*cough*shit!

Well, we finally discovered the REAL reasons for the white iPhone hold-up via The Joy of Tech. It’s not just one factor, but a combination of the following … white supremacists, faulty teeth whitening strips (we always thought those things sucked), evils orcs, white trash (they’re always up to no good), white bread-like packaging and more.

So next time you read some white delay report on Gizmodo, Tech Crunch, Wired, et al … call out their crap because the truth has set you free …

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August 13, 2010 | Filed Under News | Leave a Comment 

FU Apple Results In Huge Sales, Then Quickly Banished – Camera+ Pulled From App Store

Now here’s an interesting sales technique … submit application update for approval – Apple rejects update – release the update anyways by hiding it from Apple. The result? $$ HUGE $$ SALES $$ AND $$ PROFIT $$ !

If you haven’t heard … TapTapTap, developers of the wildly popular camera application Camera+, submitted to Apple a cool feature that would let users take pictures by pressing the iPhone’s volume button. The feature was called VolumeSnap and it was immediately rejected by Apple. For complete details, check out TapTapTap’s blog. 

Camera-Plus-VolumeSnap

Ok, so whatever … VolumeSnap rejected, life goes on … NOT!

TapTapTap decided to take matters in their own hands. They sent out an encrypted message on Twitter (later deleting the tweet after 30 minutes) which translated into a cheat code. In Mobile Safari, type the URL – camplus://enablevolumesnap – and the rejected VolumeSnap feature is enabled (to switch it off, enter – camplus://disablevolumesnap).

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Well obviously on the Internet nothing stays a secret, hidden or undetected. Every website and their mother published the news about the VolumeSnap enabling code … stating, “get Camera+ while you still can – it probably won’t last long.” Hmmm … clear call to action, strong sense of urgency … a perfect sales pitch. And that it was!

Prior to the VolumeSnap issue, Camera+ sales were on a decline. After previously reaching the #6 overall paid app, Camera+ slipped to #23. But at the time of this writing, Camera+ is currently at their all-time high of #3 overall.

Camera+ is also at their current all-time high for top grossing apps, #2 overall … up from their #30 pre-VolumeSnap position.

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Which is exactly the point of our article. Camera+ is an extremely successful application, with reported net sales well over a half a million dollars. So why the f**k would TapTapTap risk having their extremely profitable application pulled and thus halting an important source of revenue? Sure they received a HUGE boost in sales, but at what price? Perhaps TapTapTap decided they would no longer support Camera+ and this was their final “sales promotion”? Hopefully there’s a method to TapTapTap’s madness because guess what …

UPDATE – As we were writing this article and verifying the latest rankings for Camera+ … Apple pulled the app. But it’s not like we (or the developer) knew this wasn’t coming. So the question still remains … WTF was TapTapTap thinking?!?

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August 12, 2010 | Filed Under News, Photography | 2 Comments 

We Downloaded iSwimNude Because We Like To Swim Naked!

After two long years of waiting since the App Store opened its doors for business, nudists (yes, we said NUDISTS – people who like to walk around NAKED) have a reason to rejoice … Apple has finally approved the first iPhone application catering to naturists … iSwimNude.

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iSwimNude was recently published by German nudist Frank Budszuhn. Rumor has it that Frank coded the entire application while he was buck naked in efforts to give the app a true uninhibited au naturel feel. This type of raw coding should appeal to both casual and hardcore nudists alike.

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The premise behind the FREE iSwimNude application is fairly straightforward … it relies on user-generated content to populate it’s database of nude beaches worldwide. Know a spot where you can let it all hang out? Simply use the in-app submission form to share your bare assed pleasure with the rest of the iSwimNude community.

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Since iSwimNude was only released a few days ago, there are few nudie beaches documented. For example, if you live in Southern California, your only choices of birthday suit bathing are at least 7 hours away … up in San Francisco or Vancouver (quick, someone enter Blacks Beach or San Onofre). Not surprising, the majority of nude locations can be found in Frank’s motherland, Germany … dude has obviously done his research.

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One thing to note … there are no warning signs within iSwimNude addressing the dangers of nude sunbathing. So if you venture out stark nekkid, be sure to use plenty of sunscreen or better yet, cover your member with a towel. Trust us … a sunburned penis is worse than Bengay on your ball sack – OUCH!  

August 11, 2010 | Filed Under Lifestyle | 9 Comments 

Learn Oral Sex The Apple Way With C*********s 101 [NC-17]

dr-ruth-final LOL  … oh my! Remember … Apple approves it – we just write about it. EAR MUFFS!

Ok, so we’re not really sure what’s going on at Apple, but it looks like Steve Jobs and company are positioning the revolutionary iPhone as your personal sex therapist. Although “overtly sexual” applications have been banned from the App Store … make no mistake about it, there is no shortage of sexual apps – for educational purposes, of course.

Apple’s latest foray into the world of sex ed deals with oral pleasures … the female kind. Well we think it should be described as the female kind … cuz it’s the woman in the “catcher” position, as the man “pitches” (follow? sorry … baseball is our life).

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Hooray … finally, the Apple endorsed C*********s 101 iPhone app … with its oh so clever icon (WTF is that … a tongue?). Although our censors forbid us to include the letters
“u-n-n-i-l-i-n-g-u” in between “C” and “S”, you can probably figure out the subject matter of this application by viewing the permitted screenshots below (not that the Dog Lap is a rookie move!).

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The developers make it clear that C*********s 101 is not XXX, porn or NC-17 … rather the app teaches a beautiful art …

Want to master the beautiful art of c*********s? You can now learn everything you ever wanted to know about pleasuring the v****a with your mouth.

 

This is the most comprehensive book ever made on woman focused oral sex, including 50 mild to wild techniques to try on your lover. This book is the master collection of years of research into various techniques, movements, patterns, speeds, directions, pressure points, and general combinations as it relates to her most feminine of openings.

 

Study this application, set the mood, and then try any quantity or combination of the 50 steps to really light her fire.

Hmmm … creepy! Look, we have no problem turning to Apple for cutting edge magical technology … but uncle Jobs is like a hundred and twelve – all gray and old. It just weirds us out knowing his company sells an oral sex coaching aid … ewww.

But as a penis carrying member of the male species, our real beef with Apple’s sex therapy strategy is the fact there is no F******o 101 for iPhone. MEH … female chauvinist pigs!

August 10, 2010 | Filed Under Books | 4 Comments 

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