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The Comedy Of Errors – Starring Apple
As previously reported, Apple finally broke their silence regarding last weekend’s massive removal of “overtly sexual” apps … “It came to the point where we were getting customer complaints from women who found the content getting too degrading and objectionable, as well as parents who were upset with what their kids were able to see,” Philip W. Schiller said in an interview with The New York Times.
Uh, ok. But what about apps like Playboy, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, FHM, Maxim and others … these definitely contain “overtly sexual” content which kids should not view … why did Apple look the other way and not ban these apps? … “The difference is this is a well-known company with previously published material available broadly in a well-accepted format,” Schiller said. ERROR … translation – although these magazine apps contain titillating content, they will provide Apple a significant revenue stream from magazine subscriptions via the iPad once it arrives.
Uh, ok. But why did Apple ban a legitimate retailer’s online shopping application … Simply Beach … which sells bathing suits and rated 4+? ERROR … Apple made a mistake and they realized it. So without a word, not even to the publisher, Simply Beach mysteriously reappeared back on the App Store.
Uh, ok. But what about the 12+ rated game, Daisey Mae’s Alien Buffet … why was it pulled from the App Store? ERROR … once again, realizing their mistake, Apple reinstated Daisey Mae. Oh, and of course no word from Apple to the developer that their game was once again live (seems to be a common theme with Apple, this no communication thing).
Uh, ok. But yesterday, after Apple’s new “no smut apps allowed” policy … why did they approve the Girls Of Break.com app with its dental floss bikinis and bare asses images? ERROR … unless we missed the memo, Break.com is not “a well-known company with previously published material available broadly in a well-accepted format.”
Uh, ok. So Apple is cleaning up the App Store ahead of the iPad’s launch, which they are hoping to promote as a device for families and schools … yet the following Five Secrets app iTunes preview screenshot is approved for all ages to view? ERROR … trust us, it doesn’t matter how “well-known” the company is, no school will allow their students to read such a graphic description.
LOL …. Shakespeare could not have written it better.
Apple Finally Speaks Out – Sexy Apps From Well-Known Companies Ok
Last Friday we reported that Apple dropped another bomb in their war on smut apps. Numerous developers received email notices from Apple announcing a revision in guidelines and the removal of any “overtly sexual” content from the App Store. At that time, it was our notion that this round of banishments would be considered the most significant day in Apple’s war on smut.
And indeed our inkling came true. Within 72 hours, over 5,000 “overtly sexual” apps were pulled from the App Store, representing about 3% of the total number of apps in the Store.
Not only was Apple removing smut apps, but also wiping out entire publishing companies. One such company is On The Go Girls … as of Monday, all 50 of their applications were no 
longer available for sale, thus putting an end to their sole source of income.
Until today, Apple has been silent about this latest round of take downs. The New York Times reports that Philip W. Schiller, head of worldwide product marketing at Apple, said they were responding to complaints from App Store users.
“It came to the point where we were getting customer complaints from women who found the content getting too degrading and objectionable, as well as parents who were upset with what their kids were able to see,” Schiller said.
Schiller continued saying Apple had to prioritize its customers. “We obviously care about developers, but in the end have to put the needs of the kids and parents first,” he said.
Our question has always been … if Apple is removing “overtly sexual” apps, why do apps from Playboy, Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit), Maxim, FHM, Victoria Secret or Cosmopolitan (Sex Positions) still remain? Although it appears Schiller was not questioned about most of the apps we mentioned, he did speak specifically about the Sports Illustrated application.
“The difference is this is a well-known company with previously published material available broadly in a well-accepted format,” Schiller said.
So let’s get this straight … although Apple cares about developers, priority was given to the needs of kids and parents. HOWEVER … “overtly sexual” content from well-known companies (Playboy, SI, Maxim, etc.) take priority over kids and parents. Or another way of looking at Apple’s logic … if the boobs are well-known (Playboy, SI, Maxim, etc.) and available broadly in a well-accepted format, then it’s ok for kids and parents.
Sound logic? Debatable (not) … but one thing is clear, Playboy certainly benefits from Apple’s logic. Prior to the removal of 5,000+ smut applications, the Playboy app was in the #111 position for Top Overall Paid Apps. Four days later, Playboy sits comfortably in the #32 position … $$ KaChing $$
LOL @ Apple! While we realize it’s Apple’s business and they can do whatever the hell they want … let’s call a spade a spade. Apple is cleaning up the App Store ahead of the iPad’s launch, which they are hoping to promote as a device for families and schools. Large, well-known companies with titillating content like Playboy, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit, Maxim, etc. remain because they should provide significant revenue for Apple through magazine subscriptions via the iPad.
Sorry for being blunt … we would suck at being a public relations spin doctor.
NASA Releases First-Ever iPhone Game, Complete With Wiseass Remarks
Space geeks rejoice! In follow-up to NASA’s widely popular debut iPhone app … the cleverly named – NASA App [iTunes Free] … the NASA Lunar Electric Rover Simulator [iTunes Free] iPhone game landed on the App Store today (ouch, that doesn’t sound right)!
Both armchair astronauts and common folks alike will love this simulated joy ride on the moon and being tasked with various missions to complete. While gameplay controls resemble Pac-Man … left, right, forward and reverse … the game presents plenty of unique challenges before the words “Mission Accomplished” are awarded. Just like real-life astronauts, proper navigation and attention to power consumption are the keys to success while driving in space.
NASA Lunar Electric Rover Simulator is not only a mouthful to say, but filled to the brim with extra goodies. The Gallery section of the app features 14 images of various Lunar Electric Rovers with facts about each. The interactive Learn section takes a closer look at the rover, complete with informational call-outs. Couple all this with groovy spacey in-app music, the NASA Lunar Electric Rover Simulator app should quickly makes its way into the Overall Top 50 Free apps.
But aside from all these killer features, for us, the best asset of NASA’s first-fever iPhone game is its wiseass remarks. For example, if you happen to crash the rover, you’ll receive a sarcastic mocking … “you’re the reason we had to remove that annoying reverse beeper!” LOL … there are plenty of more zingers available to discover, so rather than be a spoiler … just download the free rover simulator app immediate fun.
Screw Gameloft’s Brothers In Arms 2 – We Have The Real Gaming News!
You know that noise you heard last night? Well that was the collective sound of rejoicing iPhone gamers worldwide. They were geeking out, doing the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” dance over the highly anticipated release of Gameloft’s Brothers In Arms 2. And of course today, every freaking iPhone game review blog will put in their two cents about how Brothers In Arms 2, built specifically for the iPhone, is utterly orgasmic.
Meh! Screw Gameloft and their state of the art first-person shooter 3D game. The real gaming news from last night was the EPIC release of Hungry Hungry Hippo!
Originally introduced as a board game in 1978 by Hasbro, the objective of Hungry Hungry Hippos is simple … whoever can spaz out the hardest and collect the most white marbles by slamming the crap out of their hippo over and over again, WINS! This mindless game is loud, obnoxious and is an effective form of birth control for any parents considering additional offspring. See for yourself … check out this Hungry Hungry Hippos commercial from the early ‘80s … and be amazed how fast those hippos go from eating the marbles to excreting them.
“I WIN” … oh yes you will with this stunningly awesome release from Matchy Games. And although there are no worries about losing an eye from real flying marbles … we must warn you … Hungry Hungry Hippo for iPhone might induce a seizure due to the frantic gameplay and strobing rotating psychedelic backgrounds within the app.
So think about it … why would you drop eight dollars on what should prove to be one of the best iPhone game releases of the year, Brothers In Arms 2, when you can spaz out like Amy Winehouse in a mental hospital with Hungry Hungry Hippo for iPhone. Oh and did we mention this method of birth control is FREE [iTunes]?
Recap: Week Of February 15 – plus Pee Without Noise Stool
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
February 15: Let’s Bounce – SpringFling iPhone Game Review
February 16: New iPhone App Proves Sex Doesn’t Always Sell
February 17: Successful Developer Does A 180, Attempts Publishing A Crap App
February 18: Whiten Yellow Teeth (waste your money) With This New iPhone App
February 19: Apple Drops The Final Bomb On Smut – All ‘Overtly Sexual’ Apps Removed
February 20: Spooky Spirits – Absent of Absinthe
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Pee Without Noise Stool
No offense ladies, but this is what happens when you foolishly employ an all-female R&D team … the Pee Without Noise Stool. Designed to eliminate urination noise and splash in one fair swoop … and as an added bonus … eliminate your manhood as well. Kneeling and peeing … yes, this totally makes sense, but you still have the problem of remembering to put the toilet seat down for your honey. Back to the drawing board ladies!
Honestly, at $76 for the wooden Eco model or $98 for the polyurethane DX model, if anyone receives one of these ball-remover devices, our advice … cut your losses and just move on!
Spooky Spirits – Absent of Absinthe
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
When I first heard the phrase "spooky spirits", I immediately thought it might be some kind of Absinthe connoisseur’s app, allowing the user to chronicle their dalliances with the wormwood infused liqueur romantically referred to as "the Green Fairy". Upon firing up Spooky Spirits: Puzzle Drop!! [iTunes $1.99] by Innogiant, however, I was pleased to discover it to be an imaginative and entertaining game of the highest caliber.
The story’s premise is that a couple of "spirit wardens" (think "ghost guards", "poltergeist probation officers", "specter watchdogs") fell asleep on the job (you’ll soon find out that these two fall asleep quite easily) and let a bunch of the groovy ghoulies escape. These AWOL apparitions then worked their way into the various puzzle blocks that you, the intrepid player, will encounter.
When creating a profile, you pick which of the two characters will accompany you. For me, the choice was easy… See, one of the characters is named Tim. I took this as a portent and an omen. He’s a sarcastic little dude who blames the other character, Becky, for their predicament. Becky, not to be outdone, throws some zingers right back at him.
Game moves are simple yet effective. You interact with a set of blocks that are arranged in two rows at the top of the playing field. You drop the blocks onto the playing field in pairs and can also swap the positions of adjacent blocks (successively to move a block from one edge to the other if necessary). When a "spirit infused" block makes contact with others of identical color, the whole group disappears and the ghost is recaptured.
There are three basic game modes: Panic, Puzzle and Eternity. Each will appeal to a different kind of player. Me, I quickly gravitated to the Puzzle Mode. Here, the goal is to solve the puzzle within the number of drop moves you have been given (which often seems impossibly low). I have yet to experience one of the puzzles where I was able to solve it in fewer moves, so the number you are given is likely a hint as to the order in which things must proceed. The puzzles are very well thought out, progressing nicely, level by level, from basic to head-scratching.
In Panic Mode, you must quickly drop blocks to clear a certain number of ghosts before the screen fills up. This mode is aptly named as the games begins to speed up and you start dropping blocks willy nilly in an attempt to avoid destruction. In Eternity Mode, which is Tetris-inspired, you rack up as high a score as you can until you can’t make any further moves.
The graphics are outstanding and the music and sound effects are top notch. Well worth the price of admission which is, at the time of this writeup, $1.99 [iTunes] or a free lite version is also available for trial [iTunes].
Apple Drops The Final Bomb On Smut – All ‘Overtly Sexual’ Apps Removed
In case you missed our previous coverage, Apple has reversed their policy and is in the process of removing once approved smut applications from the App Store. Below is an overview of Apple’s efforts:
Friday, January 29: As detailed in our “Apple Reverses Policy, Begins Removing Smut” article, Apple sends developers a short email explaining their app(s) have been removed from sale due to customer complaints of inappropriate content … showing too much skin. While the exact criteria for “too much skin” is unknown, it seems only the most extreme apps were pulled … pasties and hand bras.
Thursday, February 11: Reported in our “Apple Continues War On Smut” article, Apple begins rejecting apps for displaying objectionable preview screenshots. Apple informs developers that … “the application screenshots must meet the requirements for a 4+ rating since these images are visible on the App Store by all users even when purchasing is restricted by the application’s rating.”
Yesterday, in what probably will be considered the most significant day in Apple’s war on smut, developers received the following email from the iPhone App Review team …
From: appreview@apple.com
Sent: Thursday, February 18, 2010 x:xx PM
To: <COMPANY NAME>
Subject: <APP NAME> Removed from Sale
Dear <COMPANY NAME>,
The App Store continues to evolve, and as such, we are constantly refining our guidelines. Your application, <APP NAME>, contains content that we had originally believed to be suitable for distribution. However, we have recently received numerous complaints from our customers about this type of content, and have changed our guidelines appropriately.
We have decided to remove any overtly sexual content from the App Store, which includes your application.
Thank you for your understanding in this matter. If you believe you can make the necessary changes so that <APP NAME> complies with our recent changes, we encourage you to do so and resubmit for review.
Sincerely,
iPhone App Review
As noted, in January, Apple only removed the most extreme smut apps. This time around … in a rather apologetic tone … Apple is removing “any overtly sexual content from the App Store.” KRAPPS received numerous emails from developers stating their apps were removed. Most were tame … you’d see more titillating content in a Maxim magazine.
The Asian Bikini Fart app, along with its Sexy, Black and Latina counterparts, have all been removed. These apps showed no excessive skin … they were simply still images of farting girls in bikinis.
The Dirty Fingers Screen Wash app has been removed. As detailed in our review, this app is a virtual iPhone screen cleaner … a girl, in a bikini, spraying and cleaning the screen.
Launched 13 months ago, the Wobble iBoobs app has also been removed. This app contains no sexual content. It’s photo manipulation software that lets you jiggle selected areas of images uploaded to the application. Static pictures become dynamic … jiggling Jell-O, swaying bridges and of course, bouncing boobs.
So it appears Apple is not just targeting photo smut apps. Sexy slider puzzles, sex positions, sexy scratch offs and many more … all have been removed. What remains to be seen is how consistent Apple will be with their new “overtly sexual content” policy. Will removals be arbitrary and subjective … or will Apple have the balls to remove such big name apps like Playboy, Sports Illustrated, Maxim and FHM … these apps certainly contain overt sexual content, yet still remain for sale (and considering the iPad, probably will always remain for sale).
Or better yet, developer On The Go Girls published both the Dirty Fingers Screen Wash and Hooters Calendar Sexy Screen Wash apps … Dirty Fingers pulled, Hooters remains – huh? Stay tuned for further developments.
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