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iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read
The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.
The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.
Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.
But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:
Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:
Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.
From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:
Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”
Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope, it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.
Surviving A Midlife Crisis And A Bolivian Cult, iSlinky Springs Into The App Store
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
For Fun It’s A Wonderful Toy.
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
It’s Fun For A Girl Or A Boy.
Launched in November 1945 at Gimbels department store in Philadelphia, the Slinky is a kickass toy. However, Slinky inventor, naval engineer Richard James, is not so kickass. In 1960, suffering from a midlife crisis, Richard decided to bail his wife, Betty, their six children and joined a Bolivian religious cult. Bastard Richard also left the Slinky toy company (James Industries) in total debt and ruin … WTF dude! Luckily Betty was kickass herself and not only saved the company, but expanded it to the tune of 300+ million Slinkys sold to date … although arguably, Betty’s greatest achievement was her Slinky Dog forever immortalized in Disney’s Toy Story movies (can’t wait for June 18, 2010 = Toy Story 3).
So what’s the deal with this helical spring toy and it’s crazy popularity? We searched high and low for the answer and found it in a t-shirt saying – “Some people are like Slinkys, they’re really good for nothing … but they bring a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”
And did you know the Slinky is the official toy of Apple? Sure, why not … go with it. Slinky + Escalator = Infinite Loop … ha! So it should come as no surprise, that this loveable, yet useless tradition is now available as the ultimate iPhone time waster … iSlinky.
This virtual Slinky stuff totally makes sense. First it doesn’t tangle, so it won’t end up in the trash as a waste of money. Second … iSlinky is even perfect for those folks who live in one story homes. Plus if the iPhone can be home to such old-school classics as Pac Man, Asteroids, Galaga, Monopoly or Life … why not retro toys like the Slinky (or Silly Putty, Etch A Sketch, Mr. Potato Head, Pop Rocks, etc.)?
Regrettably, Betty died in November 2008 (husband Richard passed away in 1974) … about one year shy of witnessing her magical spring toy go Objective-C on the iPhone. As noted, Betty was a badass business woman … saving the Slinky as her husband deserted her for some Bolivian nut-jobs. It was her business savvy and creativity that successfully expanded the Slinky line to include Slinky Jr., Neon Slinky, Crazy Slinky Eyes and more … so hopefully this marketing savant has time to give iSlinky two thumbs up when she’s not too busy using Richard as a Slinky … down the Stairway to Heaven.
Recap: Week Of December 7 – plus doggie butthole covers?
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
December 7: This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode
December 8: Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
December 9: Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
December 10: Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!
December 11: Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone
December 12: Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming
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Our apologies! This next piece has nothing to do with the iPhone, rather it’s one of the most bizarre and disturbing items we’ve ever seen. Seriously, you need your head examined (and punched) if you purchase and use one of these things. It’s called “Rear Gear” … tagline is “No More Mr. Brown Eye” … all we can say is “WTF – they are SOLD OUT?” …
Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I’ve got them covered… Rear Gear is handmade in Portland, OR and offers a cheerful solution to be-rid your favorite pet’s un-manicured back side.
Rear Gear comes in many designs including a disco ball, air freshener, heart, flower, biohazard, smiley face, number one ribbon, cupcake, sheriff’s badge, dice, and you can even make yours custom, so there’s a Rear Gear for everyone.
Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone
‘Tis the season for holiday apps to make their annual downpour into the App Store. Not really sure how many Santa Tracker or Virtual Mistletoe offerings we need, but there are hundreds. And this year, a new treat from Apple – shit loads of sexy holiday apps … Sexy Christmas, Sexy Advent Calendar, Sexy Christmas Countdown and more. We totally anticipate Sexy Christmas Boobs to hit the App Store any day now … we’ll keep you abreast (see what we did there).
But despite the hundreds of holiday redundancies, we do have some festive cheer to share. We found an app that’s original, entertaining and brings the term “deeply disturbing” to a whole new level … Scary Santa.
For your viewing horror, Scary Santa provides numerous images of that really creepy Christmas tradition … children sitting on a stranger’s lap. And because dude is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, it makes everything ok. Or does it? Scary Santa will have you thinking otherwise … just look at those terrified faces!
Somebody send out an Amber Alert …
Shut up you stupid little shit before I shove this ball down your throat …
A common reaction when staring death in the eyes …
Budget cuts force local mall to use a corpse …
(or Michael “Santa Claus” Jackson … could go numerous directions with this one … whitening skin – dead body – small children – etc.)
As an aside, for additional psycho Santa awesomeness, be sure to check out the recently launched Sketchy Santas website. Some of the Scary Santas double as Sketchy Santas. Hopefully there is nothing sketchy about this practice (ha, we did it again).
Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!
We’re willing to bet our left nut that Hugh Hefner is a member of the “Cult Of Mac” as Playboy has always been quick to embrace Apple’s emerging technologies. In 2004, Playboy introduced iBod … a set of specially formatted thumbnail images that could be uploaded to the newly introduced iPod Photo. A year later, in 2005, Bodcasts were launched … sort of like podcasts, but Playboy-style. When the iPhone debuted in 2007, Playboy once again led the bandwagon with iPlayboy … a collection of downloadable multimedia features all formatted for the iPhone. So while Playboy claims they attempt to align with the newest and hottest media platforms … we think it’s bullshit … Hef is simply a MacHEAD!
So with over 110,000 applications available, the App Store is Apple’s latest darling. And of course, Playboy is there to get a piece of her action. On Tuesday, December 8, the official Playboy iPhone app hopped into the App Store (see what we did there) at $1.99.
The app is a scaled-down iPhone version of the largest selling men’s magazine, Playboy, and includes portions of the text from the following well known features … Playboy Interview, Playboy Advisor, 20 Questions, Party Jokes, Fashion and more.
And to answer the question on everyone’s mind … yes, the Playboy app delivers monthly doses of air-brushed goodness … the Playmate Of The Month. Now before you get all hot and bothered, time for a reality check … Apple does NOT allow nudity in the App Store. So with that barrier firmly in place, the application includes the Playmate’s intro, data sheet, preview pictures and exclusive behind the scenes preview video. We spoke with Playboy spokesperson Theresa Hennessey who explained, “The pictures are all non-nude or cropped, either from the magazine pictorial or from the Playmate’s Playboy.com pictorial.”
In addition to the monthly features pulled from the magazine, the Playboy app contains exclusive content as the aforementioned Playmate video, Playmate photographs and Rabbit Head wallpaper … all designed and only available in the app.
Playboy’s app pricing resembles a monthly magazine subscription. “The Playboy app is priced at $1.99” Hennessey said, “and until the next update, will include both the November and December issues. Future issues will be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 each. For those users who missed any of the past issues, they will also be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 per month.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa … did Hennessey say the November issue of Playboy is now available in the app? The historic November 2009 issue with the first ever cartoon character, Marge Simpson, featured on the front cover of Playboy? Hells yeah … we are there! A buck ninety nine for this piece of history is a bargain … not to mention we’ll be able to proudly display the sexy cool bent ear Rabbit Head icon on our iPhone … which will match our bent ear Rabbit Head necklace, ring, t-shirt, underwear, wallet and coffee mug … cuz that’s how we roll. Thanks Hef … you complete us!
Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
Yesterday we came across a horrid scene in the App Store. It was like a car accident unfolding before our eyes … impossible to look away. For the sake of our sanity, we should’ve just moved along … but no, we’re idiots and had to stop and stare. Below is what we’re talking about. Please take a quick peek, then look away! It’s for your own good.
Did you see it? Look again – but quick! WTF is that? The #2 free app in the ENTIRE App Store is Beautiful Boobs … the #2 paid app in the ENTIRE App Store is Pocket Girlfriend. Go ahead, pinch yourself … you’re awake but trapped in a nightmare on App Street.
So let’s take a closer look at these App Store all-stars and see exactly why they are now included among the best of the best.
#2 Free App – Beautiful Boobs
Ok, this doesn’t look too bad. We got an intriguing title … one can never have enough “stunningly pretty images” … you can’t beat the price (free) … “gorgeous and fun photo collection” is better than hideous and boring. But wait … why the hate? Over thirty three flipping thousand user ratings and only 1½ stars? Pop the hood, let’s take a look inside:
Three thumbnail screens with a total of seven pictures
When the seven thumbnails are launched full-sized, they still look like thumbnails
Five out of the seven sets of boobs are arguably man boobs
Damn … no wonder the Beautiful Boobs user below feels cheated and scared. Dude would rather be licking a hobo’s foot than checking out the app’s creeper guys wearing bras. Get this poor kid a Sears Catalog which will surely arouse more than Beautiful Boobs.
#2 Paid App – Pocket Girlfriend
Hmmm … a girlfriend who lives in your pocket. Good idea … low maintenance and easy on the wallet. Oh and check it … no still photos … SHE’S REAL!!! – SHE’S REALL!!! … she’s so real that the developer had to tell us twice. Plus she talks and listens to you … she even misses you when you’re away …. what a sweetheart, we love her already.
And she has over five thousand ratings amounting to a measly two stars. Yikes! Maybe she has a venereal disease or something since she’s obviously been downloaded by a lot of users. Good thing there is an objective description from a real live objective Pocket Girlfriend user.
Freaking liars … she’s NOT real … she’s a short video clip. Meh … and the worst part … when you talk to her type “show me your boobs”, she replies … “buy me a boob job!” LMAO … touché bitch. Actually, if you are that hard up, we suggest you skip the boob job purchase and buy a hooker real girl, preferably one with a heart beat.
Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
Do you like to travel? Yeah, that’s what we figured … most folks do … especially since the majority of travel plans involve a vacation. We’re oppo … we hate traveling – traveling sucks! Just think of all the bad things that can take place while you’re away from home … lost luggage, canceled flights, getting sick in a strange country, getting arrested on false charges … there’s a lot of scary shit that can happen. So screw it – we don’t travel – we stay home and play video games, it’s safer this way.
Look, don’t get us wrong … we’re not opposed to traveling … we just wish there would be some sort of protection. And not like trip or life insurance … like something that could sense the bad stuff that could happen while we travel and protect us from it. We guess what we’re saying is that we want magic … a super magic spell to safeguard us while traveling.
Now it can’t just be any old protection spell (ordinary magic spells blow chunks) … it should be one that’s totally genuine, magical and powerful. Thinking a protection spell developed by the sixth generation wizard Charodan would be freaking awesome. Charodan is a bad ass and his spells totally rock. Oh and one final requirement … the protection spell needs to be developed specifically for use on an iPhone (sure, why not). This condition is probably tricky, but like we said, Charodan is the master so he could totally handle it.
Huh? Did we hear something from the peanut gallery … “you’re an idiot KRAPPS!” – “KRAPPS is drunk” – “wizards and magical spells, haaa, KRAPPS really is a nut job.”
Well here’s our answer to you bitch … Shun The Non-Believer – SHUUUUN – SHUUUUN – shun. It’s all true Doubting Thomas and there’s an app to prove it … Travel Spell.
Once downloaded to your revolutionary iPhone, casting a magic travel spell is a breeze …
Gotta love the user friendliness of the iPhone … “flick the iPhone forward a couple of times” … wow it’s so easy to transform your iPhone into a real live magic wand!
So how do you like them apples – “you will feel completely at ease, because you will be looked after by magic … you can cast your spell any time, you can use it again and again, it lasts forever”. Shun the non-believer … shuuuun, shuuuun, shun!
And if you’re looking for some help in the Luck, Love, Protection, Victory and Confidence categories … Travel Spell creators, Magic Spells Now, have you covered with those magic spell apps as well. All these for a bargain price of $1.99 each. WTH – SHUUUUN!
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