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Recap: Week Of May 4
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
May 4: Have A Shitty Day! – yeah, we have a new attitude thanks to Apple
May 5: Ow My Balls! – Brings Epic Nutshots To Your iPhone – this app delivers a wicked kick
May 6: Infraconscious Level And Psychologic Reactivity – Russian Ingenuity!
May 7: Hooking Up With The Gerbil – all iPhone app developers are SLACKERS!
May 8: Curious About SuicideGirls – erotica collides with the iPhone
May 8: After Approval, Trent Reznor Gives Apple The Finger – developers can now use the “F” word in their applications
May 9: The Wall Street Journal Does KRAPPS – hysterical WSJ video report on crap apps
The Wall Street Journal Does KRAPPS
You gotta love it when the grey suits, white shirts and red ties of The Wall Street Journal do a feature on krappy iPhone apps … or as they state … “Crap Apps”. Look at those WSJ folks … loosening their power ties, getting all silly and presenting their audience a hysterical, yet informative, video on the lighter side of iPhone apps (or as we like to brand it – KRAPPS). We think the best part was the fact that the words “iPhone’s Crap Apps” appeared on the home page of WSJ.com for most of May 8 … priceless!
Andy Jordan is a Technology Reporter at The Wall Street Journal. He has a regular segment called “Andy Jordan’s Tech Diary” which yesterday featured Crap Apps. For a highly entertaining look into the whacky world of KRAPPS, check out The Wall Street Journal’s video report below.
Curious About SuicideGirls
Let’s start backwards. So before anyone get’s their panties in a bundle … CALM DOWN and LISTEN UP … we are not here to pass judgment on the app mentioned in this article. Our point is to once again question Apple’s application approval process and their efforts to protect their brand integrity/reputation. Unlike the items in iTunes (music, video, etc.) … the App Store is a different beast (good point OMB) … the App Store contains Apple sponsored and endorsed products, thus Apple has a vested interest in these applications. Yeah, yeah, yeah (cool band) … you may argue that iPhone apps are NOT Apple products, rather the developers … but you’re wrong. So if you want to buy us a beer (we prefer Anchor Steam Porter), we can debate the issue some evening … but for now, let’s move on …
One of the many benefits of the iPhone platform is the ability for companies to leverage the iPhone to extend their brand awareness. Think about it … for a rather small investment, a business can establish their virtual footprint in the App Store and begin branding and promotional efforts within a completely new channel. Savvy companies realize this … Vans International has the Vans SK8 Pool Service game … Zippo has their virtual lighter app … Oakley has a surf report app … even Tic Tac mints has a shake the mints app.
Well yesterday, another savvy corporate player entered the App Store … SuicideGirls with their Flip Strip app that basically resembles the iStrip Sexy Pen app … a virtual novelty pen where you tilt your iPhone, the girl loses her clothing and is left in her bra and panties. Ok, fair enough … been there, done that. But what we found curious was the last paragraph of the app’s description …
To paraphrase … even though Apple is cool with 13-year olds checking out our strip app, we at SuicideGirls.com are not cool with anyone under 18 visiting our site. Hmmm, curious. What exactly is SuicideGirls … it’s probably best if their site’s title tag did the talking …
Beautiful Naked Girls With Tattoos And Piercings
Yup, basically a “lifestyle” site catering to the goth, indie and alternative … call it Playboy For Punks. Now SuicideGirls has an artsy erotica feel to it, so label it as soft or pinup nudes. Plus it has this online community thing going on (message boards, model journals, etc.), huge merchandising, charity work, etc. Big business stuff … like we said, kind of like Playboy Enterprises. Curious? – check Wikipedia.
Bottom line, we are talking about nude photos and Apple is endorsing and aligning with the matter (save it – buy us a beer). Sure the app does not contain any direct links to the SuicideGirls web site … but the url is blasted within the app and the app’s description for all to see, remember and directly input into their browsers (which is exactly the point of the app 
… brand/url exposure, leading to referral traffic … sound business strategy by SuicideGirls).
Again, we will repeat ourselves to remove those panties in a bundle … we are not judging SuicideGirls (that is up to the individual reader). We are just curious about Apple’s decision to align their brand with an erotica site … because if we were Steve Jobs, we would steer Apple clear of any nude photo related entity (no offense SuicideGirls – just a business decision). But then again, we are not Steve and if SuicideGirls floats his boat, so be it … just curious.
(Sexy Steve image via Gizmodo)
Hooking Up With The Gerbil
As you probably heard, recently Apple had this big
1 Billion Download celebration. Some 13-year old kid won a bunch of stuff and the app he downloaded got all sorts of media love … lucky bastards we guess. As part of the celebration, Apple released the All-Time Top Paid and Free Apps (pretty funny in itself considering iPhone apps have only been available for 9 months). As you would expect, the Big Boys dominated the list: Crash Bandicoot from Vivendi Games … Moto Chaser and Flick Fishing from Freeverse … Tap Tap Revenge from Tapulous … Pocket God from Bolt Creative … Tetris from Electronic Arts … and others.
YAWN! Pretty BORING stuff if you ask us. Freeverse – big freaking whoop! Bolt Creative – rip someone’s head off, then we’ll talk! Tapulous – yeah, we’d tap that! Like often during the app approval process, Apple blew it! So as usual, we are forced to point out Apple’s shortcomings … it’s a krappy job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Apple needs to take a closer look at the 40,000 applications and their respective developers … because there is a clear #1 … the undisputed heavyweight developer of the word … Brighthouse Labs (formerly the artist known as Arctic Gerbil – we’ll leave it up to Wired to find out why Brighthouse Labs links to the Arctic Gerbil site). We are here to declare … Brighthouse Gerbils completely rock our world! Seriously, how can you resist the following accomplishments:
SIX HUNDRED EIGHTY NINE (689) Apps Approved!!!
This is freaking HUGE and worth repeating … Brighthouse Gerbils have released SIX HUNDRED EIGHTY NINE iPhone applications. Damn … that’s like over 2 apps per day, EVERY DAY since the App Store opened 9 months ago. The Gerbils must be like those really fly folks who never have to wait in line when clubbing. They have VIP automatic approval at Club Apple. And heck, why not have them on auto-approval … look at the quality product they are flooding/spamming the market with:
ONE HUNDRED NINTY FIVE (195) SupaFan Apps!!!
Yeah … SupaFan freaking rips .. classic krapp like SupaFan Denise Richards or SupaFan The Olsen Twins or SupaFan Dr. Phil or SupaFan Pokemon or SupaFan Rachel Ray or SupaFan Abba … there are 189 more SupaFan example, but we’ll refrain.
ONE HUNDRED FOURTY EIGHT (148) Quote Apps!!!
Jessica Alba Quotes – Alex Rodriguez Quotes – Tyra Banks Quotes – Woman Quotes, etc.
EIGHTY TWO (82) SlidePuzzle Apps!!!
SlidePuzzle Fluffy Cat – SlidePuzzle Beaver – SlidePuzzle Crow – SlidePuzzle Vatican, etc.
And the list goes on and on … 151 Sports Fan apps, 37 Joke apps (including Aviation Jokes app and Horse Jokes app) and multiple iFinder, iGuides and iLanguage apps.
For your convenience, we have compiled ALL Gerbil apps in a handy dandy Google 
Document … CLICK HERE to view the Gerbil’s worldwide domination!
You know, there is a theory among men … if you hit on enough girls, one of them is bound to hook up with you. Thinking the Gerbils use this approach with the ladies and YOU, the iPhone app consumer. But back off and wait your turn, cuz we’re hooking up with the Gerbil first!
Infraconscious Level And Psychologic Reactivity
We love foreign developers who pimp their goods in the U.S. App Store. Something about a non-American perspective is refreshing … not to mention their app descriptions are pure comedy (memo to ESL developers – get some help … and no, Babel Fish doesn’t cut it).
So meet our Russian friend Valeriy Petrenko. With over 15 applications released, Valeriy is an App Store veteran. His latest achievement is an iPhone first … an original … like we said, it’s that whole non-American thing … and if you think about it, pure brilliance!
Now before we get into the details of Valeriy’s application, let us give you a bit of insight into the Russian lifestyle. You see, in Russia, generally, most people are not afforded the simple “luxuries” of life:
> There is no difference using Russian toilet paper or pages out of a phone book
> Smoking a Russian cigarette is the equivalent of being attached to a nicotine IV
> Want milk? – Go tug on your cow’s udder or stand in a half-mile long line
But alas, such conditions lead to pure ingenuity:
> No tow truck? – Get your buddies to throw your car in back of a truck
> No Grand Theft Auto video game? – Steal a real car
> Light post in the way of your construction? – Build through it
> Can’t afford a computer? – Build one out of a shoe box
And here’s another example of Russian resourcefulness … mice infestation in your living quarters? – Build an iPhone app (please pay special attention to the description) …
ZDOROVO (russian for awesome) Valeriy!
Title = Mousetrap To Get Rid Of Mice … love it. clear and will not be confused with a mountain lion trap (always good to repeat yourself in the app’s title).
Strong Proof Of Concept = “It is enough one or two contacts of the mousetrap and the mouse for formation of a strong negative reflex on an infraconscious level and psychologic reactivity” … heck, who are we to argue INFRACONSCIOUS LEVEL and PSYCHOLOGIC REACTIVITY.
Clear Results = “The mouse will not visit You anymore” … again, how can we begin to argue this point? An unsuspecting mouse rolls up on a blank iPhone and then gets the living infraconscious scared out of them by a glaring cat.
LOL … the Mousetrap To Get Rid Of Mice app … Only in Russia!
Have A Shitty Day!
You know the good old expression … “Have A Nice Day”? … well we think it blows! We’re here to tell you … “Have A SHITTY Day” … yeah, that’s right … “Have An AWFUL Day” – “Have A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MESIRABLE Day” – “Have The WORST Day Of Your Life!”. Got a smile on your face … well we hope your smile turns into a frown and cracks your face open. As a matter of fact, we hope you end up in tears … boo freaking hoo … cry us a river … yeah, that’s it … sucks for you!
You know what – if we ever see you all joyful and cheery and krapp … we’re going to walk right up to you and pop your happy ass with a verbal assault that will make even the jolliest of moments heartbreaking and glum. Stuff like … “somewhere, someplace, someone is starving to death at this very moment” … or … “there are approximately 250 million child laborers worldwide” … “you probably will get a divorce”, etc.
What? What’s our problem? What’s YOUR freaking problem?!?! No we’re not agro … no we’re not emo … we are KRAPPS and we found a new iPhone app which changed our outlook on life. Sure, you may think this app jacked us up … but we’re thrilled about our new found krappy attitude and want to make sure you are just as miserable as we are with the help of the Apple-approved Daily Downer app:
So yeah, we’re going to be THAT GUY to slam you with HORRIBLE FACTS about our world. Make sure you invite us to your wedding, baby shower or other festivity … we’ll be sure to destroy your celebration and jack up even the biggest optimist. Cuz now we have the talent – now we have the skillz – now we have Daily Downer and now it sucks for you.
PS – Have A Shitty Day Apple!
Recap: Week Of Apr 27
In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles …
Apr 27: Sexy Rock Star – this app changed our life. no more KRAPPS. find out our new name
Apr 28: The Real Reason Baby Shaker Was Approved – find out the real problem
Apr 29: Porn, MILF, Sex On The Beach, Wet T-Shirts, Teens – no we are not trying to improve our SEO ranking … and yes, it’s iPhone relevant
Apr 29: Exercise Your Brain With Binary Game – thanks to this app, we are now smarter
Apr 30: Super Pooper – thank you Apple for approving this Product Of Uranus!
May 1: Dirty Little Secret – shh, don’t tell! Apple’s HAPPY ENDING is their dirty little secret
May 2: Stuff We Like – we share iPhone related hysterics we found on other sites
May 3: Thank You KRAPPS’ Sponsors – our sponsors are the best – show ’em some LOVE
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