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iPhone Visits The Wizard, Gets A Heart
We recently introduced the concept of Gateway Apps which is similar to the Gateway Theory … kissing leads to having babies – smoking cigarettes leads to a heroin addiction. In iPhone world, Gateway Apps are certain mild and innocent iPhone applications which may then lead to stronger and harsher ones in the future … Fart apps lead to Prostitute Finder apps … Mystery Butt (the “name that animal butt” iPhone game) leads to Name That Celebrity Butt, Athlete Butt, President’s Ass and more. Not all good!
So now we’re worried about our iPhone’s recent trip to Oz. It came back with a heart … a Beating Heart to be exact. Which can only mean one thing, coming soon … Flowing Bladder app – Pulsating Brain app – Contracting Uterus app – Birth Giving Vagina App. Hell, we can see every internal organ being realistically represented in an app solely for entertainment purposes.
Beating Heart app … a bad, bad, bad gateway app.
And be sure to check out the Beating Heart video to see what happens when you make a heart beat too fast. Think Baby Shaker app, but not as morbid …yet still a curious ending.
Recap: Week Of November 2
And In case you missed any of the festivities, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 2: Flying Feces Hits The App Store
November 3: Ravensburger Lowers Ban Hammer On Apple For Trademark Infringement – Developers Beware!
November 4: Breasts Are Confusing – Bra Meter Can Help
November 4: Pro Surfing Wildcard – Realistic iPhone Surf Game, Except For Peeing In Your Wetsuit
November 5: One Dare, A Million Giraffes – Help Ola Kick Jorgen’s Ass
November 6: Pocket Devil – And You Thought Google Wave Was Confusing
November 7: Fish One, Fish Two, Fish Fun, Fish You!
Fish One, Fish Two, Fish Fun, Fish You!
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
First off, let me state that I am a big fan of 99 Games. Their games WordsWorth, Wordulous and Chess Elite have been favorably reviewed here (two of them by me; like I said, a fan). So, when I heard that they had a new game out called Fish Fun, I headed over to the App Store and snapped it up on the first day (OK, in the interest of disclosure, it was on sale for free that first day to celebrate their one year anniversary in the App Store). The App Store imagery depicts a big fish going after a smaller fish, so I was ready for some fast-swimming, fish-chomping action. The actual game is way more subdued than that, though it does still have some cool elements.
You start off playing either the Dude or Queen fish, using the accelerometer to move around, avoiding the bigger fish and going after the smaller ones. There is an option to tap on the edges of the screen instead of the tilt-to-move, but I found it extremely hard to maneuver in that mode. Since the screen is oriented as a side view, I started playing with the phone oriented like I was looking into an aquarium. I noticed that the game info mentioned that it is better to hold the phone parallel to the floor; this felt awkward at first, but it is definitely easier to score that way.
There are four power ups that enhance the game play (you start with two of them and earn the other two along the way). Speed and Scramble are available at the start of the game. With Speed, your fish moves twice as fast for a limited amount of time and with Scramble, all of the other fish move out of the way for a moment. Each is a single use to be repowered at certain point levels.
Three mini games are included for quick fun. Tap, Gulp and Loop can be accessed from the main menu and are also interspersed as bonus rounds in regular play. The most challenging one of these, Loop, is also the one I found the most fun: draw a loop around as many similar sea creatures as possible while avoiding the others.
Kids will probably find this game highly enjoyable (especially while they search for the ever popular Clown Fish to gobble up). It takes very good hand-eye coordination to achieve the higher scores, which will unlock more fish and more types of power ups. There is an Aqua Mode that makes the display look more like water. A cool feature indeed, but on a 3G device it slows the frame rate way down.
The developers have also included a Challenge mode to allow you to play against friends on Facebook and others in your contacts list. Online leaderboards let you compare your scores against the Fish Fun elite! At 99 cents [iTunes], the game is attractively priced.
Pocket Devil – And You Thought Google Wave Was Confusing
Our beef with Pocket God is no secret … it’s a bit too PG-13 for us. All this sadistic gameplay leaves us yearning for more. Throw in some South Park, mix in a little Beavis and Butt-Head … why can’t we tear off a pygmy’s arm with a shark? Heck, we got so worked up over this, we even ran an article last April called … A Better Pocket God.
So imagine our reaction when checking out the Top Paid Apps and discovering our “Better Pocket God” came to fruition … and better yet, holding the #2 spot in Top Paid Apps ($ cha ching $). Needless to say, our jaws hit the floor and we thought … “bunch of fargin iceholes at Bolt Creative – they finally got the boils to release a Pocket God sequel” … Pocket Devil.
Well needless to say, we are stoked for the Pocket God sequel. The pygmies are perfectly transformed into little devils … they bear a striking, yet sinister resemblance.
The splash screens are spot on … both incorporating their game’s characters and respective logos … even the loading indicator is duplicated.
Both games take place on an island and have awesome erupting volcanoes spitting out fiery lava that rain down upon the inhabitants.
And genius of Bolt Creative to leverage their well established and successful brand Pocket God by simply giving the name a polar opposite and evil twist … God becomes Devil – strong! Heck, Pocket Devil could become a case study for perfect marketing execution … extending one’s brand to create immediate value and recognition when establishing a new product line. Bravo!
Whoa – hold on a second! WTF … this ain’t no freaking Pocket God sequel. This is a curiously similar game, made by a totally different publisher, Eyedip LLC. Huh? Very confusing!
Now before all the Pocket Devil fan-boys get their panties in a bundle … let’s be clear, we have NO problem with developers taking the Pocket God concept and running with it. That is awesome! The more the merrier – competition breeds excellence which ultimately benefits us, the consumer. And there are plenty of applications influenced by Pocket God that achieve their own uniqueness. For example, the Malevolent and Knights Onrush apps … both inspired by Pocket God, yet remain different.
But Pocket Devil is annoying as Paris Hilton. It’s the way Eyedip went about creating their Pocket God inspired app. Too close for comfort bro … like kissing your cousin … totally freaking creepy. For example, those sinister devils which bear a striking resemblance to Pocket God pygmies … kiss kiss cousin Lola Rose … ewww! The evil twist of the title God to Devil … kiss kiss cousin Daisy Boo … ewww!
All these similarities beg the question – are unsuspecting Pocket God fans purchasing Pocket Devil thinking the game is a Pocket God sequel from Bolt Creative? And if so … is Pocket Devil riding the coattails of Pocket God’s success and thus not succeeding on their own merit?
Now slow down fan-boys … these questions are not whack. Just look at Pocket Devil’s user ratings – 2½ stars, the lowest rating in the Top 10 paid apps. And what, you think everyone is as sharp as surgeon’s scalpel (especially considering the majority of Pocket God’s customers are young kids who can be easily confused)? Read these examples of Pocket God fans who purchased Pocket Devil thinking a sequel was released by Bolt Creative.
Of course you can argue stupidity on the buyer’s part … but it still begs the question … is Pocket Devil succeeding on their own merit or is their game so close in resemblance to Pocket God, that consumers think it’s an actual sequel from Bolt Creative?
And by the way … all you cousin-kissers … cut that shit out … it’s freaking gross!
One Dare, A Million Giraffes – Help Ola Kick Jorgen’s Ass
Dare (verb): the act of challenging or provoking someone to do something bold, reckless or impulsive. Like Ralphie’s older brother, Flick, in A Christmas Story … a kid dared him to stick his tongue on a frozen pole. At first Flick declined the challenge, but then the ultimate of dares was delivered … one that you cannot refuse … the infamous TRIPLE-Dog-Dare. Flick had no choice but to carry out the dare … resulting in his tongue being frozen stuck to the pole and having to be rescued by the Fire Department.
Not all dares are this epic, but still pretty classic are … licking a toilet seat – picking your nose and eating it – shaving off your eyebrows. Office dares are pretty cool too … at the end of a meeting, suggest that it concludes with the singing of the national anthem. Or how about next time you’re at a gas station, use the window washer to wash your entire car.
Challenging the epic “tongue on frozen pole” dare in A Christmas Story is the tale of Ola, Jorgen and a bunch of giraffe images. Poor Ola was TRIPLE-Dog-Dared by his friend Jorgen to collected one million giraffes by 2011. Ola could obtain these giraffes through any format, but the actual giraffe images could not be computer generated or store purchased objects … think drawings, paintings, sculptures, lego’s, etc.
So Ola dedicated his whole life to the million giraffes dare (it helps not to have a life). He’s created a web site … OneMillionGiraffes.com … which displays every giraffe collected, a blog and leverages Facebook and Twitter to beg for giraffes. Ola has become so obsessed that his site contains a worldwide map of user contributions and a statistics page which details daily giraffe receipts (total geek). He’s 147 days into the project, collected 337,812 giraffes … and with 421 days left, needs 662,188 to kick Jorgen’s ass.
Can he do it? Yes he can! Ola has recently launched a secret weapon. His very own giraffe collecting app … Giraffes!
With the Giraffes! app, users can conveniently help Ola reach the one million mark by submitting their contributions from directly within the app. Giraffes! can also be used to browse Ola’s ever increasing giraffe collection (and we’re happy to report, no giraffe porn was found). Oh sure, creating an iPhone app solely based on completing a dare might seem a bit extreme (moronic) … but you gotta understand the nature of a TRIPLE-Dog-Dare, it’s very serious shit and something that is taken lightly.
So help out this poor bastard. Download the FREE Giraffes! app [iTunes] … make a giraffe … and upload your image to his collection. Trust us, this quick and simple task will make Ola very happy. We know because we uploaded the KRAPPS Giraffe (complete with a KRAPPS.com tattoo on the giraffe’s leg) and Ola told us it made him happy.
Pro Surfing Wildcard – Realistic iPhone Surf Game, Except For Peeing In Your Wetsuit
(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)
Have you ever played a surfing videogame? I never had … so when asked to review Pro Surfing Wildcard (by Traction Games), I had no idea what to expect. I went into the experience expecting something poorly stitched together with lame gameplay mechanics that would only appeal to hardcore surfers. However, what I encountered was much different.
Pro Surfing Wildcard had me totally hooked within ten minutes (that’s about how long it took me to get used to the controls). It features a Free Surf mode and a Compete mode, in which you compete through an entire season of surfing, trying to beat the scores of other surfers … this mode is absolutely addictive! The season takes you on an epic surf trip, hitting various breaks worldwide … USA, Mexico, Norway and Australia. You can submit your scores to the online global leaderboard or simply join the Pro Surfing Wildcard online community for various tips, tricks and general banter.
You start the game by paddling into a wave and popping up on your surfboard … moving with a nice implementation of accelerometer controls. There is a button to slow down (this helps stall your board so you can get deep inside a tube) and four trick buttons. The control scheme takes a bit of getting used to, but it’s very simple to get the hang of. Don’t give up the first time you fall off your board and eat it … this game is too much fun to wuss out on after one failed attempt (which you will definitely have – hey, even in real life, you don’t start charging waves after your first attempt).
Each session is timed, with the time pausing every time you wipe out. A landed trick gives you points, while a wipe out reduces your accumulated points (which seems like a pain at first, but provides motivation to get better).
When it comes to acceleration, it’s automatic, with the slow down button that I referenced earlier. Landing takes a bit of getting used to as you must land the maneuver in the correct direction or you’ll biff. And I’ve confirmed with the good admin here at KRAPPS, who is a surfer himself, that acceleration and landing are quite realistic (although the air you get from a wave is a bit exaggerated).
In addition to the wave you ride in Free Surf, you are able to unlock three additional waves by playing through the Competition mode. This feature provides plenty of reason to keep playing Pro Surfing Wildcard and is actually pretty rewarding.
The graphics are nice for the platform. Nothing spectacular (especially the water), but definitely bearable, and not by any means an eyesore. Speaking of the water … it’s cold! Consulting KRAPPS, they said typically surfers will pee in their wetsuits in attempts to warm up … this would be a nice feature for future updates.
All in all, I’m very impressed with Pro Surfing Wildcard … it is a great iPhone game – much better than what expected. That said, it doesn’t take a surfer to enjoy this game as I’ve never surfed once in my life (except the Internet), and I’m having a blast. I’ve actually had to pause the production of this review a few times to get in a round or two. Pro Surfing Wildcard is available for $1.99 in iTunes, it’s totally worth it and I hereby declare it 100% anti-KRAPPS Certified – definitely!
Breasts Are Confusing – Bra Meter Can Help
Have you ever looked at a woman’s breasts and been confused? Call ‘em what you want … boobies, knockers, tatas, the twins, cans, hooters, headlights, melons or rack … the bottom line is – breasts are baffling!
And we’ll be the first to admit, when we look at a woman’s gazongas, the first thing that enters our mind is … “Hmmm, wonder how big those puppies are” (second thing is … “fake or real” … where’s that iPhone app?). Yeah, men are pigs, whatever … but it’s not like breasts are confusing to only the male gender. Nope, women are just as confused about their breasts as their Martian friends (to be clear, men are really not Martians … hoping for a clever reference to the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” book). Why else would there be the Bra And Cup Size Calculator app? Because breasts are just as confusing to the ladies … they keep forgetting their bust size … they need an iPhone app to remind them how grand are their tetons.
So getting back to the confused Martians … great news! Apple has just approved a new app which will take the guess work out of that age old question, “how big are they?” – Bra Meter.
See that? Awesome! Simply pick one of the nine bra letters (A though H) and a size 1 polka dot bikini girrrl appears with the corresponding rack. Of course since this app is geared towards Martians, a clever “definition” of the bra size letter appears on the screen … C = Can’t Complain, E = Enormous … along with the proper facial expression from bikini girl’s gawkers … E = eyes wide open, big smile, tongue hanging out of mouth.
Now we realize some of you might be thinking that Bra Meter is an offensive and sexist app. Nah, not even close. A really offensive and sexist app would be the “As Seen In The Wall Street Journal” app … Shake That Booty. And judging by real live Bra Meter user ratings, we’re thinking Bra Meter is the boob.
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