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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
- Despite Female Moans, SexLife Trailer Fails To Arouse [Video]
- Wii iPhone 4 iOS Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Slap A Sexy Belly, Make Music, Huh? – Belly Jam iPhone App [Video]
- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
- epic – The Toolbox iPhone iOS 4 Home & Lock Screen Wallpaper Set [Download]
- Recap Week Of January 3
- Sexy Star Wars Pinups – EWWW!
- Weird Stuff From Japan – iPhone 4 Sushi Case
- MegaMan iPhone iOS 4 Home Screen Wallpaper Collection [Download]
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Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone
‘Tis the season for holiday apps to make their annual downpour into the App Store. Not really sure how many Santa Tracker or Virtual Mistletoe offerings we need, but there are hundreds. And this year, a new treat from Apple – shit loads of sexy holiday apps … Sexy Christmas, Sexy Advent Calendar, Sexy Christmas Countdown and more. We totally anticipate Sexy Christmas Boobs to hit the App Store any day now … we’ll keep you abreast (see what we did there).
But despite the hundreds of holiday redundancies, we do have some festive cheer to share. We found an app that’s original, entertaining and brings the term “deeply disturbing” to a whole new level … Scary Santa.
For your viewing horror, Scary Santa provides numerous images of that really creepy Christmas tradition … children sitting on a stranger’s lap. And because dude is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, it makes everything ok. Or does it? Scary Santa will have you thinking otherwise … just look at those terrified faces!
Somebody send out an Amber Alert …
Shut up you stupid little shit before I shove this ball down your throat …
A common reaction when staring death in the eyes …
Budget cuts force local mall to use a corpse …
(or Michael “Santa Claus” Jackson … could go numerous directions with this one … whitening skin – dead body – small children – etc.)
As an aside, for additional psycho Santa awesomeness, be sure to check out the recently launched Sketchy Santas website. Some of the Scary Santas double as Sketchy Santas. Hopefully there is nothing sketchy about this practice (ha, we did it again).
Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!
We’re willing to bet our left nut that Hugh Hefner is a member of the “Cult Of Mac” as Playboy has always been quick to embrace Apple’s emerging technologies. In 2004, Playboy introduced iBod … a set of specially formatted thumbnail images that could be uploaded to the newly introduced iPod Photo. A year later, in 2005, Bodcasts were launched … sort of like podcasts, but Playboy-style. When the iPhone debuted in 2007, Playboy once again led the bandwagon with iPlayboy … a collection of downloadable multimedia features all formatted for the iPhone. So while Playboy claims they attempt to align with the newest and hottest media platforms … we think it’s bullshit … Hef is simply a MacHEAD!
So with over 110,000 applications available, the App Store is Apple’s latest darling. And of course, Playboy is there to get a piece of her action. On Tuesday, December 8, the official Playboy iPhone app hopped into the App Store (see what we did there) at $1.99.
The app is a scaled-down iPhone version of the largest selling men’s magazine, Playboy, and includes portions of the text from the following well known features … Playboy Interview, Playboy Advisor, 20 Questions, Party Jokes, Fashion and more.
And to answer the question on everyone’s mind … yes, the Playboy app delivers monthly doses of air-brushed goodness … the Playmate Of The Month. Now before you get all hot and bothered, time for a reality check … Apple does NOT allow nudity in the App Store. So with that barrier firmly in place, the application includes the Playmate’s intro, data sheet, preview pictures and exclusive behind the scenes preview video. We spoke with Playboy spokesperson Theresa Hennessey who explained, “The pictures are all non-nude or cropped, either from the magazine pictorial or from the Playmate’s Playboy.com pictorial.”
In addition to the monthly features pulled from the magazine, the Playboy app contains exclusive content as the aforementioned Playmate video, Playmate photographs and Rabbit Head wallpaper … all designed and only available in the app.
Playboy’s app pricing resembles a monthly magazine subscription. “The Playboy app is priced at $1.99” Hennessey said, “and until the next update, will include both the November and December issues. Future issues will be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 each. For those users who missed any of the past issues, they will also be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 per month.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa … did Hennessey say the November issue of Playboy is now available in the app? The historic November 2009 issue with the first ever cartoon character, Marge Simpson, featured on the front cover of Playboy? Hells yeah … we are there! A buck ninety nine for this piece of history is a bargain … not to mention we’ll be able to proudly display the sexy cool bent ear Rabbit Head icon on our iPhone … which will match our bent ear Rabbit Head necklace, ring, t-shirt, underwear, wallet and coffee mug … cuz that’s how we roll. Thanks Hef … you complete us!
Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
Yesterday we came across a horrid scene in the App Store. It was like a car accident unfolding before our eyes … impossible to look away. For the sake of our sanity, we should’ve just moved along … but no, we’re idiots and had to stop and stare. Below is what we’re talking about. Please take a quick peek, then look away! It’s for your own good.
Did you see it? Look again – but quick! WTF is that? The #2 free app in the ENTIRE App Store is Beautiful Boobs … the #2 paid app in the ENTIRE App Store is Pocket Girlfriend. Go ahead, pinch yourself … you’re awake but trapped in a nightmare on App Street.
So let’s take a closer look at these App Store all-stars and see exactly why they are now included among the best of the best.
#2 Free App – Beautiful Boobs
Ok, this doesn’t look too bad. We got an intriguing title … one can never have enough “stunningly pretty images” … you can’t beat the price (free) … “gorgeous and fun photo collection” is better than hideous and boring. But wait … why the hate? Over thirty three flipping thousand user ratings and only 1½ stars? Pop the hood, let’s take a look inside:
Three thumbnail screens with a total of seven pictures
When the seven thumbnails are launched full-sized, they still look like thumbnails
Five out of the seven sets of boobs are arguably man boobs
Damn … no wonder the Beautiful Boobs user below feels cheated and scared. Dude would rather be licking a hobo’s foot than checking out the app’s creeper guys wearing bras. Get this poor kid a Sears Catalog which will surely arouse more than Beautiful Boobs.
#2 Paid App – Pocket Girlfriend
Hmmm … a girlfriend who lives in your pocket. Good idea … low maintenance and easy on the wallet. Oh and check it … no still photos … SHE’S REAL!!! – SHE’S REALL!!! … she’s so real that the developer had to tell us twice. Plus she talks and listens to you … she even misses you when you’re away …. what a sweetheart, we love her already.
And she has over five thousand ratings amounting to a measly two stars. Yikes! Maybe she has a venereal disease or something since she’s obviously been downloaded by a lot of users. Good thing there is an objective description from a real live objective Pocket Girlfriend user.
Freaking liars … she’s NOT real … she’s a short video clip. Meh … and the worst part … when you talk to her type “show me your boobs”, she replies … “buy me a boob job!” LMAO … touché bitch. Actually, if you are that hard up, we suggest you skip the boob job purchase and buy a hooker real girl, preferably one with a heart beat.
Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
Do you like to travel? Yeah, that’s what we figured … most folks do … especially since the majority of travel plans involve a vacation. We’re oppo … we hate traveling – traveling sucks! Just think of all the bad things that can take place while you’re away from home … lost luggage, canceled flights, getting sick in a strange country, getting arrested on false charges … there’s a lot of scary shit that can happen. So screw it – we don’t travel – we stay home and play video games, it’s safer this way.
Look, don’t get us wrong … we’re not opposed to traveling … we just wish there would be some sort of protection. And not like trip or life insurance … like something that could sense the bad stuff that could happen while we travel and protect us from it. We guess what we’re saying is that we want magic … a super magic spell to safeguard us while traveling.
Now it can’t just be any old protection spell (ordinary magic spells blow chunks) … it should be one that’s totally genuine, magical and powerful. Thinking a protection spell developed by the sixth generation wizard Charodan would be freaking awesome. Charodan is a bad ass and his spells totally rock. Oh and one final requirement … the protection spell needs to be developed specifically for use on an iPhone (sure, why not). This condition is probably tricky, but like we said, Charodan is the master so he could totally handle it.
Huh? Did we hear something from the peanut gallery … “you’re an idiot KRAPPS!” – “KRAPPS is drunk” – “wizards and magical spells, haaa, KRAPPS really is a nut job.”
Well here’s our answer to you bitch … Shun The Non-Believer – SHUUUUN – SHUUUUN – shun. It’s all true Doubting Thomas and there’s an app to prove it … Travel Spell.
Once downloaded to your revolutionary iPhone, casting a magic travel spell is a breeze …
Gotta love the user friendliness of the iPhone … “flick the iPhone forward a couple of times” … wow it’s so easy to transform your iPhone into a real live magic wand!
So how do you like them apples – “you will feel completely at ease, because you will be looked after by magic … you can cast your spell any time, you can use it again and again, it lasts forever”. Shun the non-believer … shuuuun, shuuuun, shun!
And if you’re looking for some help in the Luck, Love, Protection, Victory and Confidence categories … Travel Spell creators, Magic Spells Now, have you covered with those magic spell apps as well. All these for a bargain price of $1.99 each. WTH – SHUUUUN!
This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode
Say you’re having a really bad day and want your head to explode … putting you out of your misery. Or perhaps you are a Visitor (by the way, great TV series, “V”), captured by the opposing force, the Fifth Column. You have no choice but to blow your head up and keep the V’s agenda safe.
Well good news! With the help of a new iPhone app, you can end your sorry state within approximately 30 seconds. Go ahead and watch the demo video below … we cut it a few seconds short of 30 in efforts to preserve our viewing population.
GOOD LORD – what is this complete and utter chaos?!? Well it’s the 30 Kittens Per Second app … an accurate title, because you literally see thirty kittens per second flash across your iPhone screen. 10 seconds = 300 kittens … 30 seconds = 900 kittens. Oh how sweet!
Look, we get it. Kittens are sooo cute (OMG … hahaha … <3 kitties) and cats are the big trend these days (especially those Lolcats) … but if you think staring into a strobe light of kitties is awesome, you are one sandwich short of a picnic.
“This app will make cat lovers smile and may cause uncontrollable joy”
Uh no … this app will make people vomit and may cause uncontrollable seizures. The creators of 30 Kittens Per Second claim “cute just got a whole lot faster.” However we’re thinking 30 Kittens Per Second is better served as a torture device … so cute it’ll make your head explode … yikes!
Recap: Week Of November 30
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 30: SmackDat – An Intimate iPhone Encounter
December 1: Santa Goes On a Killing Spree In Trigger Happy Christmas
December 2: Screw Prozac! This Cleavage Mania App Guarantees Happiness
December 3: Tiger Woods Scandal – The iPhone Plays An Integral Role
December 4: Look At Me! I’m A Unicorn! – You Can Be One Too With Younicorn
December 5: I’ll Have a Blue(tooth) Christmas (SuDoKu)
I’ll Have a Blue(tooth) Christmas (SuDoKu)
Thanks to 99Games, it’s Christmas time in the land of SuDoKu, where the familiar numbers have been replaced with icons of the festive season (the numbers are still available for you ScroogeDoKus out there). In Christmas SuDoKu [iTunes $1.99], the change to pictures adds some challenge since it is much easier to determine which number is missing in a series, whereas figuring out that the Candy Cane or the Gingerbread Man is the item you’re missing takes a little more time. Gameplay is straightforward SuDoKu; Santa flies overhead and sprinkles some items onto the board to start you off (how many is based on the difficulty level) and you then have to figure out where the rest go according to three simple rules: an item may only appear once in each row, column and nine slot grouping.
If you’re a SuDoKu novice, you can earn a few hints which can be redeemed to place a random item on the board and also consult the suggestions for each open spot. Holiday music plays in the background (this can thankfully be turned off after it has worn out its welcome).
But, what’s that you say? You want to challenge a friend who is in the same room? The game has you covered with the somewhat strangely named "Tug-a-friend", which allows you to play against someone over bluetooth. I unwisely challenged my wife, who is like a 9th degree SuDoKu black belt. The only time I beat her was when she left the room for a few minutes and I feverishly kept at the puzzle while she was gone (yes, in many cultures this would be considered cheating).
After you’ve exhausted the SuDoKu portions of the app, you will probably say to yourself "I am in such a festive mood, I wish I could send someone a little e-postcard letting them know just how great this game is." Again, the game has you covered with the somewhat less strangely named "Hug-a-friend". You can build a nice little scene of a decorated tree and then send it to your friend (or you can build the kind of minimalist scene that I did, entitled Frosty Balls).
If you like SuDoKu, you’ll also like this variant. If you’ve never played SuDoKu before, this app is a good introduction.
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