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Pussy Lovers, Tits And Boobies – The Joke Is Over, Banned!
caprice [kuh-prees] –noun : a sudden, impulsive change in the way one thinks or acts; freakish notion; whim
Yesterday we ran an article about two curiously named iPhone apps … Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies. Obviously the titles are a play on words and the apps are best served as practical jokes. Come on Mensa, did you really think you were getting vagina pics?
Pussy and boobies developer Samir Roy stated to us that his two apps are doing very well. Within 24 hours of release, each of the apps landed in the top 10 of their respective category. Currently Pussy Lovers is the #6 Free Lifestyle app, while Tits And Boobies is #3 in the Free Eduction category. Samir indicated that Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies have enjoyed nearly 300,000 combined downloads within 11 days of going live.
But like the tale of Romeo and Juliet, this love affair with pussy and boobies has a tragic ending … Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies are being removed from the App Store. Apple has made a sudden and impulsive change … the apps have been deemed inappropriate for the App Store. Apple’s logic (we use the term loosely) is that both Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies do not contain content that match the title. Samir inquired if he updated the apps with images of vaginas and breasts, could he receive Apple’s approval using the same title (funny guy that Samir). Apple made it clear, they are not asking him to include pictures of vaginas … and gave a “maybe” on breasts. Understandably, Samir is frustrated … guess he’ll need to pull the plug on his upcoming app Big Cocks (roosters).
At the time of this writing, Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies are still available for download … but you better hurry … the joke is almost over.
Sex Position Calculates Optimal Shagging Positions, Includes Instructional Graphics
Is your sex life in a funk? Are your bedroom activities a bore? Do you find doing the nasty, literally, nasty?
Are you tired of the same old missionary position? Do you lay there like a dead fish? Are you daydreaming of the upcoming final season of Lost instead of focusing on the love making at hand?
Well no worries! iPhone to the rescue (was there even a doubt – this device can do anything), there’s an app for that …Sex Position (think of it as Pandora for banging).
With its screaming headline, “COME TOGETHER IN NEW WAYS FOR A BETTER LIFE!” (no pun intended with “screaming” and “come”, right? – hmmm, isn’t that a vodka shot with Bailey’s and Kahlua?) … Sex Position turns your iPhone into a virtual sex therapist.
Quite handy if you think about it … pictures and instructions that guide each partner in the position. And please sicko, get your mind out of the gutter … there is no cartoon or stick figure porn … graphics are to instruct and not to titillate – no sexy pictures (sorry, we were getting way to titillated by the faceless humping human glob images on display in iTunes and thus decided to censor).
And how genius is this … a Position Selector tool which allows you and your partner complete control of your shagging session! Just enter the desired Energy Level (movement in intercourse) from rabbit to sloth … then the Complexity Of The Position from Russian ballerina to so fat you have more rolls than a bakery … now enter Who’s On Top … then Freedom To Kiss, Touch, Hold, See Your Partner (you have other options besides a paper bag) … and finally, Comfort And Orgasm Strength from farting ant to freight train.
Your data is then electronically delivered to a MIT doctorate student for extensive data and statistical analysis …. bivariate associations, circumambulations, loglinear analysis, etc. After about five minutes of number crunching, the MIT student sends the resulting sex position back to your iPhone. Although some users have complained about a curb in spontaneity, the resulting sex position is typically worth the wait.
But just a word of caution! If that MIT mensa suggests the “Standing Tiger / Crouching Dragon” position … WATCH OUT! We tore knee ligaments attempting this maneuver and will only be able to select Woman On Top positions for the next 6 weeks.
iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read
The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.
The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.
Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.
But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:
Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.
From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:
Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.
From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:
Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”
Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope, it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.
Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
Do you like to travel? Yeah, that’s what we figured … most folks do … especially since the majority of travel plans involve a vacation. We’re oppo … we hate traveling – traveling sucks! Just think of all the bad things that can take place while you’re away from home … lost luggage, canceled flights, getting sick in a strange country, getting arrested on false charges … there’s a lot of scary shit that can happen. So screw it – we don’t travel – we stay home and play video games, it’s safer this way.
Look, don’t get us wrong … we’re not opposed to traveling … we just wish there would be some sort of protection. And not like trip or life insurance … like something that could sense the bad stuff that could happen while we travel and protect us from it. We guess what we’re saying is that we want magic … a super magic spell to safeguard us while traveling.
Now it can’t just be any old protection spell (ordinary magic spells blow chunks) … it should be one that’s totally genuine, magical and powerful. Thinking a protection spell developed by the sixth generation wizard Charodan would be freaking awesome. Charodan is a bad ass and his spells totally rock. Oh and one final requirement … the protection spell needs to be developed specifically for use on an iPhone (sure, why not). This condition is probably tricky, but like we said, Charodan is the master so he could totally handle it.
Huh? Did we hear something from the peanut gallery … “you’re an idiot KRAPPS!” – “KRAPPS is drunk” – “wizards and magical spells, haaa, KRAPPS really is a nut job.”
Well here’s our answer to you bitch … Shun The Non-Believer – SHUUUUN – SHUUUUN – shun. It’s all true Doubting Thomas and there’s an app to prove it … Travel Spell.
Once downloaded to your revolutionary iPhone, casting a magic travel spell is a breeze …
Gotta love the user friendliness of the iPhone … “flick the iPhone forward a couple of times” … wow it’s so easy to transform your iPhone into a real live magic wand!
So how do you like them apples – “you will feel completely at ease, because you will be looked after by magic … you can cast your spell any time, you can use it again and again, it lasts forever”. Shun the non-believer … shuuuun, shuuuun, shun!
And if you’re looking for some help in the Luck, Love, Protection, Victory and Confidence categories … Travel Spell creators, Magic Spells Now, have you covered with those magic spell apps as well. All these for a bargain price of $1.99 each. WTH – SHUUUUN!
Virtual Girlfriend App Sleeps With You – Literally!
Today we’re discussing a sad subject … loneliness. For most people, being alone sucks. Heck just listen to Akon cry us a freaking river in his worldwide hit single “Lonely” off his debut album Trouble …
“Lonely, I’m so lonely – I have nobody to call my own … I woke up in the middle of the night – And noticed my girl wasn’t by my side … Lonely so lonely – I’m Mr. Lonely … I have nobody – So lonely, Mr. Lonely”
Ok people, we get it … many of you are LONLEY. Boo-F*CKING-Hoo! Make a choice … continue to wallow in your sorrows by listening to Country music (perfect as every song is about being drunk, depressed and lonely) … or suck it up and get an iPhone. Yup, with the revolutionary iPhone, Akron and all you other Mister Lonely’s, will never have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night and not finding your girl by your side. App Store brilliance continues with … Mega Girlfriend Sleep With Me.
See that – if you’re feeling lonely … or would like to be with someone at bedtime … or having trouble falling asleep by yourself … Mega Girlfriend can help! Just prop up a pillow next to you, launch the Mega Girlfriend app and place her by your side. And as the app describes … you can then watch this creepy beautiful girl breathing gently in her sleep – very calm and peaceful.
And if you think about it … Mega Girlfriend totally makes sense. You don’t have to worry about her snoring … or kicking you in the middle of the night … or hogging the blanket. She is the ultimate in sleeping companions. Of course you should be careful not to roll over, you might kill her. But isn’t that small risk worth the mega rewards … as Mega Girlfriend guarantees “you will not feel alone anymore” and ”you will fall asleep with a smile on your face.” Hells yeah it’s worth it … and who knows what she’ll do as the developers continue to update the app. Mega Girlfriend = Mega Awesome … we are in love!
Prostitute Hunting With The iPhone – Craigs Ads Adult
We love Craigslist. Granted, it’s one helluv a fugly site, but this eyesore provides so much value and information that it’s worth the pain. Much more than a virtual garage sale, Craigslist viewers can find everything from housing to employment to rideshare opportunities … heck, you can even participate in a political or queer discussion forums.
And it’s not just online classified ads … Craigslist can be an awesome source of entertainment. Think about this … per Wired, Craigslist receives more traffic than either eBay or Amazon.com. All that traffic translates to plenty of freaks. All those freaks mean there’s some really weird shit being posted to Craigslist. Depending on your taste … weird shit can be very amusing. And instead of shunning these freaks, Craigslist applauds them by creating the Best-Of-Craigslist section. With listings such as … In A Well, Need Ladder – I Puked In Your Purse – Satanic Sexual Ritual – Free One Night Stand … Craigslist is a virtual Hall Of Fame for society’s misfits. Heck, there’s even (literally) some clown who will perform at funerals, surgeries, drug interventions and more. Dude calls himself Autopsy The Clown and reading his Craigslist “Clown For Hire” listing, this is one sick mofo.
But arguably, Craigslist’s best feature is the prostitute hunter … errr … personal listings. There you can find every flavor of adult activity … straight, gay, lesbian, emo, swingers, interracial, sadomasochism, one night stands, friends with benefits and plenty more. Just name any adult activity and chances are you’ll find it on Craigslist.
But since Craigslist is so fugly, it’s a royal pain in the ass (at least for us) to find that perfect prostitute … errr … adult companion. And that’s when the iPhone becomes your sinister friend … Craigs Ads Adult.
Ah yes, being a prostitute hunter …. errr … hopeless romantic has never been easier and more convenient than with the iPhone.
And listen, don’t blame us for using the term “prostitute hunter” … wasn’t our idea, rather real live Craigs Ads Adult user Jpseba coined the infamous term. “Adult” really does sound so sleazy … ewww!
Once Banished I Am Rich Returns To The iPhone As You Are Rich
(excuse us while we pick our jaw up off the floor)
WOW – we are completely speechless! (well, not really … but it’s a cool figure of speech) It’s well documented that Apple’s App Store and Approval Process are completely jacked up … but not since the Baby Shaker incident last April, have we been completely floored by a 110% bonehead move made by Apple.
Back in August 2008, the infamous I Am Rich app was launched by developer Armin Heinrich. For a mere $999.99, users … errr … idiots could download I Am Rich and flaunt their wealth and/or stupidity on their iPhone’s screen in form of a glowing red garnet. Apple quickly removed I Am Rich from the App Store (although eight morons had already purchased the app), while critics proclaimed the app a scam, utter crap and an insult to all well-meaning developers. I Am Rich is a historic app and arguably the #1 KRAPPS of all-time.
Flash forward approximately 14 months … late last night, “I Am Rich – The Sequel” made its red carpet entry into the App Store with You Are Rich (clever name) by 15-YEAR-OLD developer Mark Gurman. As with most sequels, You Are Rich sucks … a total rip-off of the original version … title, description, color palette and red glowing garnet. Only difference between I Am Rich and You Are Rich is $900 … comparatively, You Are Rich is a bargain at $99.99 (guessing it must be the weakening economy).
Last time we checked, it’s not April 1st. We gave ourselves a painful pinch – nope, not dreaming. Eyesight – all good, we still can hit a fastball. So either Apple’s calendar is whack or there are some serious mind-altering drugs going on at One Infinite Loop. Heck, maybe it’s the handiwork of an over-worked and under-paid Apple employee?
An email has been sent to developer Mark Gurman requesting a promo code so we can download You Are Rich at no charge and provide our viewers an in-depth review. Uh yeah … we ain’t rich, but we also ain’t stupid.
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