What’ the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stop after 3 ho’s!
Ha! Ha! … sorry about the obligatory Tiger Wood Christmas joke … and on that note, all of us here at KRAPPS wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Of course, no Christmas greeting would be complete without a Steve Jobs version of ElfYourself … and yes, there’s an app for that! Check out Steve making an elf out of himself with the Super Dance Elf Christmas iPhone app … kinda of disturbing if you ask us!
Ahhh, it’s Christmas Eve. Santa is busy navigating his sleigh as he delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls. Children eagerly await his arrival, leaving the traditional fare of milk and cookies. The tree is trimmed, the stockings are hung, the fireplace is roaring … and soon, the classic “The Night Before Christmas” story will be read as the kids settle down for bed. Hmmm – kids going to bed … the best part of Christmas Eve (or any day for that matter) since it means alone time for mommy and daddy … YES!
So in efforts to keep the holiday spirit alive, while taking advantage of your Christmas Eve alone time … we have a suggestion – an app suggestion of course. Throw on the Snuggie, float an extra shot of rum in your eggnog, cuddle up with a loved one next to that roaring fireplace and launch the Santa Claus Conquers The Martians app.
Seriously, any douche can watch “Miracle On 34th Street”, “It’s A Wonderful Life” or “A Christmas Story” … but why be BORING? Santa Claus Conquers The Martians delivers 110% Christmas crap … just read these rave reviews:
“Like a car accident unfolding before your eyes, it’s impossible to look away” – RottenTomatoes.com
“There isn’t some other film more deserving of the title Worst Christmas Movie Ever” – StompTokyo.com
“Another charming part of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is its rock bottom production vales. All of the sets have a two-dimensional feel” – CoolCinemaTrash.com
Originally released in 1964, this cult hit has been beautifully reformatted and optimized by developer Jacob Schwartz so it plays seamlessly on your iPhone. For a mere 99 cents, you get 81 minutes of holiday horror … plus movie quotes, credits, a synopsis of the film and 11 movie-themed wallpapers. Oh, almost forgot … it also is the film debut of Pia Zadora (of Penthouse cover fame) and includes a reindeer named “Nixon” … too cool!
What a freaking bargain for oodles of tasteless holiday joy (and Pia Zadora), conveniently stored on your iPhone. Yeah, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is literally a no-brainer purchase … or is it? Meh …enough already with the leg lamps and suicidal businessmen … start your own Christmas Eve tradition with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
Sexting … ever heard of it? Meh, don’t worry. Just means you’re out of high school and don’t have a MySpace page. Basically kids these days are using their cell phones to take sexually explicit pictures of themselves and then sending them via text message (MMS) to their friends. Sex + Texting = Sexting. And it’s a fairly popular activity among teens. Just yesterday, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric reported that according to a recent Pew poll (no idea, google it), 30 percent of 17-year-olds have received a sext, while 15 percent of all teens have. LOL … freaking kids these days … so technologically advanced.
But sexting is no laughing matter. Sucks for you teenager when your nude images start appearing on Facebook and Twitter. Sucked even more for High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens … naked photos from her sext swept the Internet. And the ultimate suck – it’s a crime – possessing and distributing child pornography is a serious felony.
So in efforts to keep the kiddies free from sexting danger, a number of safe sext messages are being published. Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton has released a practice safe sexting PSA video … … the National Crime Prevention Council issued a Sexting: How Parents Can Keep Their Kids Safe flyer … and of course, CollegeHumor.com released a NSFW safe sexting music video, including tips like blur your face and strategic cropping.
Not to be outdone, Apple has joined the safe sext movement. Perhaps they figured with the introduction of iPhone MMS, it’s the socially correct thing to do, approve Safe Sexting.
With Safe Sexting, perverted kids can now continue to enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves and as an added bonus … they’ll stay out of jail. Before your next sexting session, simply launch Safe Sexting … which will automatically open up a safe sexting camera with four options to censor you naughty bits: Small Box, Large Box, Head Box (for the introverts) and a teasing semi-transparent Red Silk. Take picture and safely send away.
Big up’s to Apple for providing children a safe method of sexting. However we’re actually not that impressed. If Apple can somehow transform the iPhone into a condom and tackle the larger safe sex issue … now that would be revolutionary!
Are you tired of the same old missionary position? Do you lay there like a dead fish? Are you daydreaming of the upcoming final season of Lost instead of focusing on the love making at hand?
Well no worries! iPhone to the rescue (was there even a doubt – this device can do anything), there’s an app for that …Sex Position (think of it as Pandora for banging).
With its screaming headline, “COME TOGETHER IN NEW WAYS FOR A BETTER LIFE!” (no pun intended with “screaming” and “come”, right? – hmmm, isn’t that a vodka shot with Bailey’s and Kahlua?) … Sex Position turns your iPhone into a virtual sex therapist.
Quite handy if you think about it … pictures and instructions that guide each partner in the position. And please sicko, get your mind out of the gutter … there is no cartoon or stick figure porn … graphics are to instruct and not to titillate – no sexy pictures (sorry, we were getting way to titillated by the faceless humping human glob images on display in iTunes and thus decided to censor).
And how genius is this … a Position Selector tool which allows you and your partner complete control of your shagging session! Just enter the desired Energy Level (movement in intercourse) from rabbit to sloth … then the Complexity Of The Position from Russian ballerina to so fat you have more rolls than a bakery … now enter Who’s On Top … then Freedom To Kiss, Touch, Hold, See Your Partner (you have other options besides a paper bag) … and finally, Comfort And Orgasm Strength from farting ant to freight train.
Your data is then electronically delivered to a MIT doctorate student for extensive data and statistical analysis …. bivariate associations, circumambulations, loglinear analysis, etc. After about five minutes of number crunching, the MIT student sends the resulting sex position back to your iPhone. Although some users have complained about a curb in spontaneity, the resulting sex position is typically worth the wait.
But just a word of caution! If that MIT mensa suggests the “Standing Tiger / Crouching Dragon” position … WATCH OUT! We tore knee ligaments attempting this maneuver and will only be able to select Woman On Top positions for the next 6 weeks.
Back in June, we published an article called “Further Proof Of Apple’s Idiotic Approval Process” which detailed the tribulations of accomplished Minipops artist Craig Robinson. Minipops … itsy bitsy teeny weenie pixilated renditions of famous people like Bill Cosby, Pope Benedict XVI, Tiger Woods, Beyonce, Fidel Castro, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs and thousands more … they’ve all been minipopped (we just made that word up). Craig has three published Minipops books and his Obama Family Minipop will be included in an upcoming book about Michelle Obama. Craig Robinson is clearly a well respected individual in the art world – he does not suck.
So what happens when Craig turns his artwork into an iPhone app? … REJECTED! Why? … because Craig is an asshole … his app ridicules public figures and is in violation of Section 3.3.12 of the iPhone SDK Agreement which states, “applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive or defamatory content or materials of any kind … that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable by iPhone users.” Apple even attached a few of the offending Minipops for reference … the “approved for Michelle Obama book, but not for iPhone” Minipop of the Obama Family – the Alanis Morissette nude with a revealing one-pixel of bush – the offensive half-naked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So rather than screw with the integrity of his art by excluding a number of Minipops and re-submitting an incomplete representation of his work, a dejected Craig chose to move on with his life … leaving his Minipops app only in his dreams.
Flash-forward six months, Craig receives a surprising call from his techie buddy Matt …
Matt: dude, you know your minipops app?
Craig: minipops app? oh, that offensive thing … yeah, what about it?
Matt: apple approved it … it’s now available in the app store!
Craig: you’re a bitch … i told you i was not going to omit any of the rejected pics!
Matt: relax blowhard … i re-submitted minipops as-is … no changes!
Craig: then why did apple approve it this time?
Matt: no clue bro … no clue!
Sweet … 1,000 Minipops – killer UI – a “Guess Who?” game … and more. Currently on sale for only 99 cents [iTunes], Minipops is a solid deal, extremely entertaining and gives you the ability the carry a virtual pop art collection right on your iPhone … oh yeah … and plus you get that OFFENSIVE Obama family pic by asshole Craig.
So the moral of the story – if you submit an app for approval on a Tuesday and it’s rejected, simply re-submit unaltered on a Friday … chances are you will be approved. We know this advice sounds completely random, but so is Apple’s approval process.
December 16: How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps <—don’t miss this one!
December 17: iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert
Big SHOUTS to our boy Tito (follow him @TheSkepticalGuy)! Dude has some mad skillz … creating really tight themes and wallpapers. There’s quite a variety to choose from over at his website iTito Designs, so be sure to check it out. A couple of our faves include Modern Warfare 2 and Homies.
Of course our #1 favorite is the KRAPPS Pro Theme which includes … more than 70 icons, Lockscreen (lovin’ how it’s kracked), SMS Landscape Theme and UISounds (if you need more icons, Tito says to email him your request at Thetuberesistance@yahoo.com and he’ll hook you up). You can download the KRAPPS Pro Theme at Tito’s website or Cydia. Do it … it’ll make you feel good!
Let us travel back in time, to an age when 64 KB of memory was all that was needed to be a real computer. The year was 1982 when Commodore International introduced the best-selling single personal computer model of all time, the Commodore 64. I got one a couple of years later, when I started college and found it beneficial to have a computer at home for CompSci homework (the labs were always packed during the decent hours). Coupled with a 300 baud modem and a dot matrix printer, this was a system that was ready for action! And it wasn’t all school work, oh no… The C=64 had some of the best games of the era: interactive fiction adventures like Zork, flying games like Choplifter and one of my personal faves, the fighting game Karateka.
And so it was with a sense of nostalgia that I dug into the C64 app by Manomio. Included with the app are 8 games: Dragons Den, Le Mans, International Basketball, International Soccer, International Tennis, Jupiter Lander, Arctic Shipwreck and Jack Attack. I only recalled two of these from "back in the day", so I fired up Dragons Den first. There are 2 different view modes for the games. In portrait mode, the playing screen is pretty small, but you get a clear view of the game controls (namely a joystick and fire button… that’s all we needed back then to have a good time). In landscape mode, the playing screen fills the space and the controls are invisibly overlaid.
After several minutes of riding around on a pegasus, I was ready to take the wheel of a formula one racer in Le Mans. In both of these, the gameplay is smooth and the music is appropriately retro. It shouldn’t surprise you that the games play well, the iPhone is much more powerful than the old hardware. For several of the other games, I had to look them up online to figure out the goal. While playing Jupiter Lander, my wife walked by and told me she remembered the game and although neither of us remembered Arctic Shipwreck, it was great fun to trample the people stranded on the ice floe with the woolly mammoth (not the "official" goal of the game, by the way).
Manomio has done a great job in preserving a grand old platform for a new generation. I fear that licensing will prevent some of the best games from showing up, but I did see that there will be new games (some free, some for in-app purchase) available in the next update (which should be approved next week): Bruce Lee, Laser Squad, Uridium, Paradroid, Druid, Kikstart, Cybernoid, Storm Lord and AlletKat.
At $4.99 [iTunes], C64 is priced appropriately for the entertainment value it provides to fans of the old-school.