Statistics show that nearly 85% of all people suffer from a wart at least once in their life. Warts are fugly, irritating and can be painful … especially genital warts, which are highly contagious. Additional details are way gross, so we’ll spare you the details, but simply put … warts suck!
And getting rid of warts can be a bigger bitch than actually having them. You could try Compound W, burning them off with liquid nitrogen or with minor surgery. Not exactly pleasant remedies … yeah, warts suck!
Today we have great news about getting rid of those disgusting bumps … your iPhone can do it. Apple has approved the Wart Healer app … hooray! The secret behind Wart Healer is mental healing … we shit you not. Just read the app’s description below … “behind Wart Healer is a professional mental healer who specializes in long distance wart healing” (mental note – get new job as a long distance wart healer).
WOW! For a mere $12.99 (a freaking bargain) … a long distance mental healer will get rid of your warts!
So you might be thinking … how does this long distance mental wart healing thing work? Glad you asked … because Wart Healer provides the answers. It has something to do with a spiritual level … the person’s energy … the moon’s decreasing phase … and a picture of the actual wart (don’t be embarrassed if you’re trying to heal a genital wart … Wart Healer is a professional service and your wanker will not appear on some fetish porn site).
Now hopefully you read the above statement carefully. No need to freak out if your warts don’t fall off immediately … it can take up to 111 days (very precise numbers) until first effects are visible.
Although Wart Healer is easy to use … it is imperative you follow the steps below (paying attention to the moon’s next decreasing phase) …
So how do you like them long distance healers? Yeah … pretty awesome and not a joke either. Apple has approved and classified Wart Healer as a medical application, so obviously they tested it and Wart Healer works!
One thing to note however … the $12.99 purchase price includes the removal of one wart. If your friends call you “Lumpy”, additional warts can be removed via in-app purchase.
Who would have ever thought the iPhone could cure warts. It’s so revolutionary that you can’t make this shit up. Thank you Mr. Jobs … you make our penises very happy.
Let’s do some role playing. Ok, so you are an iPhone app developer who launched an app a few months ago. Everything is cool … your app is getting strong reviews … gaining in popularity … sales are climbing. Then one day you receive a call from Apple saying if you don’t change your app’s name, it will be banned from the App Store. Huh? Apple states that the name of your app is derogatory and must be changed immediately. Never mind the fact that you have successfully marketed and established your brand (the app’s name) … change the derogatory name or be removed from the App Store! Oh and if that’s not enough … your competitors who have similar derogatory app names … well they can stay with no change. SUCKS FOR YOU!
Sounds pretty farfetched, eh? LOL … yeah right. Come on, this is Apple we’re talking about … and as we stated yesterday, they apply Apple Logic.
Back in March, we reviewed a very cool app called Guidofy. Inspired by the MTV reality series, Jersey Shore, Guidofy is a photo app which unleashes the Guido in you … Fedora hats, gold chains, Fohawk hair and of course, synthetic tans. Just check out how sexy the pasty white Irish Conan O’Brien looks as an Ed Hardy wearing, Grey Goose drinking Guido.
Although Apple approved Guidofy in February, they changed their minds and applied that sound Apple Logic … Guidofy bares similarity to the name "Guido" which Apple considers derogatory. If the disgusting name is not changed, the app will be banned. And no, Apple doesn’t give a shit that the Guidofy name has been established and marketed (think $$$) for over two months … change it or die an unpleasant App Store death! Ok … FFFFUUUU … new non-offensive name … Jersify.
But here’s the kicker … call it rubbing salt in the developer’s wound. There are two other Guido-themed applications which carry derogatory names … Guido and Guidofy Me … they offensively remain for sale intact.
At this point you might be thinking … why is Guidofy offensive, but Guido and Guidofy Me are perfectly acceptable? A fair question. No worries, we have the answer … Apple Logic … SUCKS FOR YOU!
We’ve come to the realization that we have a problem. No matter how hard we try, we simply cannot understand this thing called Apple Logic. Actually, Apple Logic is not just a thing … but a very significant aspect of the business world. Yesterday, Apple reported their second-quarter profits rose 90 percent, revenues up 49 percent and 8.75 million iPhone were sold … these figures represent Apple’s best non-holiday quarter ever. So yeah, it would behoove us to understand Apple Logic as they seemingly have the Midas touch.
Apple Logic is the same reasoning process that banned over 5,000 overtly sexual apps … yet allowed the overtly sexual Playboy and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit applications to remain in the App Store. Apple Logic is Steve Jobs saying, “folks who want porn can buy and [sic] Android phone” … yet approve the NSFW – Peek A Site web browser app specifically programmed to discreetly surf porn sites on the iPhone.
Guess we suck … we simply cannot get a grip on Apple Logic.
Take for example the latest case of Apple Logic … we have no clue what’s going on here. Back in December we reported the Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies apps were being removed from the App Store. Apple informed the developer that both apps were deemed inappropriate as they do not contain content that match the title. Following KRAPPS Logic, the reaction would be “no shit” … of course Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies do not contain images of vaginas or breasts. It’s a joke … get it? … pussy = cats … tits and boobies = birds. A FREAKING JOKE!
So ok, whatever … Apple has no sense of humor. Logically we can conclude that sexual innuendos are not cool with Apple … especially in form of an app’s name. But then Apple Logic comes around, rears it’s ugly head and trumps old fashioned logic … Apple approves the Nude Thumbnails app.
WTF?!? … “this app is designed and named so as to give the user the impression that it contains inappropriate material” … that’s EXACTLY why Pussy Lovers and Tits And Boobies were banned … content not matching the title.
Oh, but our bad … this is Apple Logic … and as mere mortals, we’re too stupid to see the Emperor’s new clothes.
Have you noticed a change in KRAPPS lately? Yeah … we’re happier, more peaceful and generally in high spirits. No, we didn’t quit smoking (actually we don’t smoke – we just said that for effect) … we scored Pamela FREAKING Anderson! Yup … every morning like clockwork, we wake up with Pamela FREAKING Anderson! Oh and it’s so awesome … the sight of her rockin’ body – the sound of her sexy voice … Pamela FREAKING Anderson, what more could a guy want each and every morning?
And when we said “every morning like clockwork” we really meant it … like literally, we really meant it … like the new Pamela Anderson iPhone video alarm clock app by Creative Licence (not a typo) Digital —> Wakey Wakey.
Although it looks like your typical alarm app, Wakey Wakey is a video alarm clock with a difference. Every morning, Pamela’s voice will rouse you from your sleep … she’s playful, sensual and very flirtatious … “honey, wake up – good morning sweetie – come on baby, wake up sexy.”
And then, as you wake up pleasantly from your rest … feast your eyes on the iPhone screen as the world famous curves of Pamela Anderson wrapped in sexy lingerie appear from beneath the sheets (in high-resolution video, of course).
Treat yourself to any of the five titillating wake up videos … from the geeky “Hard Drive”, to the eco-friendly “Shower Together” or our fave, “Frozen Waffle” which has something to do with Pamela’s panties in our freezer <blush>.
Wakey Wakey is Pamela’s first official iPhone app … and like her, it’s smokin’ hot. All videos were shot exclusively for this app on location in Tufnell Park, London. During the steamy shoot, Pamela kept delivering zingers such as …
>>> “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d wake up with so many strangers”
>>> “I’ve always had trouble getting guys out of bed so I can’t guarantee this will work”
>>> ”I love getting a rise out of people so I couldn’t resist this project”
>>> ”I wish they’d let me say ‘cock-a-doodle-do’”
[oh that Pamela … she’s a funny one … a regular David Letterman]
So there you have it … from Baywatch to your bedroom … no need to keep fantasizing. Just get Wakey Wakey and wake up happy happy with Pamela FREAKING Anderson.
[HA – look at that! we wrote the entire article without a single “Morning Wood” or “Whacky Whacky” reference. HA!]
This just in … the word "Uncensored" has been censored … Playboy app still for sale.
We are fans of No Tie Software’s family of TEXT-TO-SPEECH ringtone creation apps, sold under the name AutoRingtone but also Ringtones Uncensored [iTunes], to reflect that you have the right to type ANYTHING you want and have it spoken as a ringtone. Want a ringtone that says "Shut Up Oprah"? You got it! Want one that says you love Oprah? Go for it. That’s what uncensored means … freedom of speech. The app itself contains NO objectionable content, but just like Apple’s Notepad or Email apps, you are free to type anything you want.
So, when we asked No Tie if they had an iPad version of Ringtones Uncensored coming, it was ironic to hear that they had to change their app’s name, when submitting it for the iPad!
The word "Uncensored" was itself censored, despite appearing in "Family Guy", "Katt Williams" and other iPhone apps. Is this due to the publicity that iPad apps will be getting or just an overzealous reviewer with different priorities? Nobody knows. But No Tie turned lemons into lemonade and rebadged the iPad version as Freedom Of SpeechTones [iTunes $1.99]. Only in America!
So, if you believe in freedom of speech, or you like speech synthesis, or you’re just sick of guessing which song is for which contact, pick up the iPhone or iPad version and take a stand for freedom!
April 15: Oh Look! The iPad Can Print!
Why The New Photoshop CS5 Sucks
So did you hear Adobe launched the new Photoshop CS5 this week? Yeah, it’s supposed to be awesome … filled with a ton of new bells and whistles that perform magic on your images. One of the new tricks in Photoshop CS5 is the Content Aware Filter … just select an object and delete out of your picture. The program uses surrounding pixels to fill in the missing data … incredibly accurate and awesome!
Uh … hold on a second. Of course the real litmus test is if Photoshop can remove the dress of a hot chick and reveal her boobies. Hmmm … content aware breasts? … not so much!
I have been playing Thumpies [iTunes $2.99], a rhythm game from Big Blue Bubble for a few months. I shall now put the game down and attempt to convey my unbridled enthusiasm for this app and it’s bigger iPad sibling, Thumpies XL [iTunes $4.99] (which I am pretty sure stands for eXtraLicious).
This game flat out rocks, rolls and yes, even thumps. The imaginative graphics, ultra smooth gameplay and wickedly good soundtrack will quickly draw you in and the challenges will keep you coming back for more. Much more, if my experience with it is any indication.
What? You’re still here? OK, for those of you that didn’t immediately jump over to the AppStore, I’ll back up and give you some highlights.
In Thumpies, you tap in rhythm as these crazy fuzzy monster heads bounce around, striking a set of targets (mushrooms, tree stumps, turtles, etc.). When your taps are right on your notes get added to the mix and your scoring meter moves up. When you miss, your scoring meter falls. When your meter fills up, you get to advance. In the early rounds, you’ll be able to keep up with just one finger, feeling the pattern and kicking out the jams. As you progress though, you’ll have to rely on multiple finger dexterity, tracking multiple monster heads each following their own pattern. When you nail the beats, the resulting musical number is quite spectacular indeed. To add to the challenge, you also need to collect butterflies which allow you to unlock even more quirky levels. You have to be quick, though, since the monsters love to eat them and if your meter falls to zero, they escape.
Easy, medium and hard settings give both kids and adults & newcomers and veteran players an appropriate level of challenge. Like I said earlier, this game has legs.
In the past few weeks, following the release of the iPad, several venerable games were super-sized for the new device. And, I am happy to report, Thumpies XL retains all of the yummy goodness of the original and then heaps on some extra whipped cream in the form of multiplayer mode. That’s right, all of the flying finger fun can now be enjoyed by two players at once. This mode splits the screen in two for a "cooperative competition". So, there’s only one shared meter to fill but each player is given a breakdown of their performance at the end. My kids and I enjoyed playing a few rounds in this mode this afternoon. The updated graphics in the XL version are big and bold, just as I expected them to be.