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App Store Nudity – Volume 5 (My X Girlfriend)
Last week we came across an article on Mashable called “Sexy Manga Girls & Apple App Store Rules”. The article introduced a new adult oriented application under review for approval … Otakulous … a wallpaper-type app of sexy manga drawings. The article continued to detail Apple’s strict no nudity policy, referring to the Hottest Girls application as an example of the consequences developers face if their app contains nudity … Hottest Girls was quickly pulled from the App Store.
Pretty standard info for us iDorks, however we found it quite curious how Mashable concluded the article with this strong statement:
It seems that even if we’re talking about virtual or drawn nudity, Apple App Store is still an impenetrable fortress when it comes to adult material.
Huh? You’re freaking kidding us, right? An “impenetrable fortress” defending against adult material … Laughing Our Asses Off! Here, let’s recap all the apps containing nudity that managed to slip by this “impenetrable fortress” (all approved by Apple, then later removed from the App Store) …
06/25/09 – Hottest Girls (Mashable got this one right, their sole example of app nudity)
07/01/09 – BeautyMeter (contained topless images, including an alleged 15 year old girl)
07/30/09 – theXchange (contained extremely hard core pornography)
08/21/09 – Check myHottie (contained extremely hard core pornography)
So let’s see here … since the end of June, every couple of weeks, a nudie porn app appears … pretty krappy fortress if you ask us. Now granted, BeautyMeter, theXchange and Check myHotties contained user-generated nude images (meaning some will argue that it’s not Apple’s blunder since users of the app uploaded the nude images themselves – outside of Apple’s knowledge), but nude is nude and thus appear on our tally.
Hmmm … last app containing nudity was August 21. Guess we’re due for another one? Of course! Meet Apple’s fifth nudie porno app, from Holoality Software … My X Girlfriend.
Released yesterday, My X Girlfriend is yet another example of how photo apps which rely on user-generated images, quickly turn into a showcase for nudes and pornography. While developers attempt to implement “community flagging” safeguards (flag icon on the upper right area of screenshots below), relying on users to flag and notify inappropriate content is clearly ineffective.
So that concludes this edition of “Apple’s Impenetrable Fortress”. We’ll see you in a few weeks as we update our tally with a brand new nudie porno app. How can we be so sure? Hey, since June 25 it’s been like clockwork – gotta go with the trends. And until Apple officially allows nudity in the App Store, someone has to be the official Clothing Optional Scorekeeper … might as well be us.
Girls Blood & Dreams – App Descriptions Gone Wild
Hello … we’re iDorks. Never heard of one? iDorks are individuals who are so obsessed with the iPhone, that they spend every waking moment doing something iPhone related. Surfing the App Store, playing with one of their 768 downloaded apps, reading iPhone focused web sites, visiting their local Apple Store for the umpteenth time, participating in iPhone discussion boards … iDorks live, breathe and eat iPhone.
Not only are we iDorks, but our behavior can be categorized as uber iDork. It’s getting so bad that we tossed away our teddy bear and now sleep with our Steve Jobs plush doll. For our birthday … iPhone cake please! And for casual reading … app descriptions and screenshots … the App Store is like our virtual magazine. Since we read our magazine daily, we come across many “interesting” items. Like the ones below … enjoy and here’s to hoping one day you’ll become an iDork too.
Cheerleaders – Sexy Dress Up 2 and Sexy Super Models
STRONG! Hot chicks holding their naked breasts … that’ll get your attention. And since screenshots are viewable by everyone in the general public … these images are great for targeting 6 year old girls or 13 year old boys – exactly the kind of pictures parents want their young kids to see. But hey, as the saying goes … don’t judge a book by its cover. Reading the user reviews below, it seems Apple has a strict one “Sexy Girl Clutching Her Boobies” image per app policy … such a tease!
28 Days After
Hmmm … “a menstrual calendar for men” … Hmmm … key word = MENSTRUAL … Hmmm … key question = is that a drop of MENSTRUAL blood on the screenshot … Hmmm … key reaction = EWWW, GROSS!
iTextMe
Alrighty then … front and center, on display –> Nocturnal Emission and Masturbation. LOL, some things are best left private (and not to mention suitable for 9 year olds?!?) – but not in the App Store. “Sex Life” – “Wet Dreams” – “Masturbation” … it’s all good – bring it!
Hell Chicken – The Mother Of All Apps
There are certain things in life that are so awesome, words simply cannot describe how amazing the experience really is. It’s one of those things where you gotta … “see it to believe it”. Take for example witnessing the birth of your child. Phenomenal stuff (although a bit bloody and gory) which words cannot describe. Or any one of those Seven Wonders of the Ancient World … the Great Pyramid of Giza, those Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Statue of Zeus at Olympia, the revolutionary iPhone … all jaw-dropping stuff that will leave you speechless and inspired.
Same holds true with the App Store … there are certain apps that are so amazing, no review web site can properly convey their awesomeness. Music recognition app, Shazam, is like watching a spectacular magic show. Google Earth puts our planet in the palm of your hand. And dang that I Am T-Pain … an iPhone app which turns Ordinary “Coors Light drinking, crotch scratching” Joe into a Cristal champagne chugging, sexy hottie pimpin’ Hip-Hop artist … is simply a miracle.
But folks, we’re here to tell you something. Those apps which you think rock this world … the Shazams, Google Earths, I Am T-Pains or anything else you come up with … guess what … they all SUCK! Yup … all apps suck compared to this absolute dynamite of an app. This app will literally bring you to your knees … brace yourself … this app is Hell Chicken!
OMG!!! … GET OUT!!! … HELL CHICKEN!!! Keep reading, it get’s better. The description below should express just how incredible Hell Chicken really is … however just like the Great Pyramid of Giza … some things you just gotta see it to believe it. So do yourself a favor … spend 28 seconds watching the video presentation of Hell Chicken. It will bring you to tears, send chills down your spine, leave you astonished and make you understand why Hell Chicken is the Mother of all Apps (KRAPPS).
Sexy Collides With Bizarre In The App Store
One of our “favorite” developers (well, besides Brighthouse Labs, responsible for spamming the App Store with well over 2,000 apps) is Korean-based MSHOT. These are the freaks responsible for the Office Girls and Pocket Girls apps … extremely bizarre sexy hot chick wallpaper apps. Office Girls seemingly sexploits MSHOT’s female employees, while Pocket Girls preys on unsuspecting young Korean girls. From Pocket Girls’ description – “your purchase of this application enables us to … recruit new Asian girls and persuade them into lingerie shots”. Really weird shit which reminds us of the sex slave movie, Taken. Read our previous MSHOT article here.
Well the sexploitation at MSHOT continues to meet Apple’s approval with their latest three releases: Hot Office, Mesmerism and DVD Room.
Hot Office
Score! Two college coeds are recruited … snuck into a logistics center office … then some chatting took place (coercion?) … then a slimy photo shoot … and finally the girls were whisked away into the night. And bless those perverts at MSHOT for these high quality snapshots. Nothing turns us on more than hot chicks in a scummy roach infested room with titillating props such as stacks of cardboard boxes, rice cookers, electric fans and exposed water pipes. Oh baby … Papi likes!
Mesmerism
Hope you were paying close attention. Drop what you’re doing … quit your job … and become a hypnotist – NOW! And why not? Just look at those Mesmerism girls. Be a hypnotist, open a Mesmerism Center … and enjoy endless gawking sessions of chicks touching their breasts and who-haw. Hypnotist – a legal peeping tom.
(special note – at first Apple was cool with the notion of hypnotizing girls for devious sexual pleasures … but then a sudden moment of decency struck Cupertino … Mesmerism was pulled from the App Store)
DVD Room
Ok, we’re out of here. We’ll be catching the first flight to Seoul and get us some of this Video Bang action. Romantically designed private rooms where you can rent and watch DVD’s on the spot. This is pure brilliance and something sadly missing here in the States. We could see Video Bangs setting up shop on Main Street in Disneyland … Aladdin, Little Mermaid and Cinderella are romantic movies which would be perfect for a Video Bang session. Uh what? MSHOT is not talking about romantic Disney movies? Krap we are naïve. We just thought since Apple censors the word “Intercourse”, surely “Bang” would not imply a dirty word. Damn we are stupid … and still wondering if patrons visit these Video Bangs alone, with a partner or the establishment provides “hostesses”. Maybe Apple knows.
Living Photo Delivers Bush, Gates And Big Pimp [Videos]
We recently reviewed the Living Photo [iTunes] app … it makes your pictures come alive – blinking eyes, moving mouth, custom audio – stuff like that. Basically animated pictures … the kind you see in horror flicks (those talking paintings spook us), but cooler cuz you create them. Our first Living Photo was inspired by Steve Jobs … he’s pictured with a hot chick and is basically falling in love with her. If you missed it, check it here.
So we’ve been viewing the tons of Living Photos on YouTube … and go figure … many of them totally rock. Below are a few examples of Living Photo we wanted to share (pay special attention to the “spooning” reference at 23 sec. in Big Pimp’n Boston … LMAO).
Best App Name Ever!
We know most of our US-based readers are busy with the Labor Day holiday, so we’ll keep this short and sweet. Heavily influenced by a combination of Family Guy and Ipecac -
we present arguably the Best iPhone App Name Ever …
Barf Puke-A-Thon (enough said)
And on a parting note, don’t miss the source of Barf Puke-A-Thon’s inspiration – LOL!
Pamela Anderson Is A Man? This App Thinks So
We came across a very interesting app the other day … Pamela’s Twin Sister. Intriguing because we were not aware that Pamela Anderson had a twin sister. Well our “double the Pamela pleasure” was quickly shot down in flames. Reading the app’s description, turns out this is app is of some Pamela Anderson body double chick … whatever, freaking tease!
Although we were crushed by the reality of no “Ta-Ta Twins” … we did discover some very interesting facts about the real Pamela Anderson. Go ahead, read it for yourself …
“Your photos will leave you hot breath”
Hmmm, a stunning effect … Hot Breath. We once suffered from hot breath, but that was due to complications of attempting to eat a friend’s lighted fart. Trust us … not good!
“Has a body of scandal that can go with the fantastic photos that you have prepared”
So we’re preparing the photos? And they need to include a scandalous body? Uh, no thanks … we’re not paparazzi sluts.
“You can see up their sins with the latest high-capacity increase of iPhone”
Oh, we get it … this is like Pocket God. We punish Pamela for her sins … naughty, naughty girl! <grin> Or is it like that Shoe Spy Camera featured on Gizmodo … a pervert camera for shooting upskirts. Up their Sins – Up their Skirts … same thing, no? Huh?
“Now has a relationship with Tommy Lee, rocker boyfriend who was the protagonist of The Baywatch”
Tommy Lee was on Baywatch? Get the f#&k out! Didn’t know that.
“Thanks to his impressive body has been home from magazines and major websites”
“His impressive body” … wait! what? Pamela Anderson had a sex change? How the hell did we miss that one?!?
So there you have it … Pamela’s Twin Sister … the only app which gives you hot breath, the ability to see up their sins, stars Tommy Lee in a red one-piece bathing suit and features Pamela Anderson as a man. Damn this is sick!
PS – we love Google Translate!
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