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We So Horny – Are You?
We’ve been meaning to write an iPhone pickup line article for some time now … because DAMN there are a lot of them! We’re talking like hundreds and hundreds – rapidly approaching Arctic Gerbil numbers. Seriously … WTF is this about? … we never received the memo that iPhone owners are a bunch of horny dorks who need all the hooking up help they can get. Hmmm … iPhone – Horny Dorks – Hooking Up … yeah, ok … when you break it down logically, guess horny dorks do need some help. Whatever, never got the memo.
So these hooking up apps … they come in all shapes and sizes: the Casanova Pickup Lines app … iPimpin Pickup Lines … Ultimate Pickup Lines … Awesome Pickup Lines … 1001 Best Pickup Lines … 400 Pickup Lines … Hillbilly Pickup Lines … and on and on. You get the idea … freaking LAME. Yeah dude, go ahead and score with these masterpieces …
“I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!”
“If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous!”
“Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”
“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”
LOL … stop the madness … better yet, buy an app that REALLY works … buy Hornymeter!
Hornymeter is awesome and so simple to use: see a hottie … have hottie place finger on the Hornymeter … the app scans the hottie’s finger, performing complex calculations like Heart Rate, Heat Matrix and Pheromone Aura analyses …
… Hornymeter then displays a Horniness Score (not our words, it’s in the app description) with a wonderful and descriptive written summary for the hottie to read …
Four hard nipples … flying with your libido … fire hazard panties. See, we told you … this is classic stuff which guaranteed to get you rolling in the hay on any given night. However … we think our Hornymeter has a bug and anxiously await the app’s next update. When our targeted hottie read her rating as … “If Hornyness Were A Crime, You’d Be On Death Row”… well, let’s just say our last words to her were … Ow My Balls!
That Itch Down There
Ok, since many of you are pre-occupied with opening day at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) … we’ll keep this one short and sweet … memo to developers –>
Choose Your Title Wisely!
And for some more Venereal Disease fun … check out this crazy War Department Training Film from the 1940s titled: All Aboard The USS VD …
Worst Boob Job On The iPhone
(sorry folks – we had to go there)
As mentioned, we look at every new iPhone application that hits the App Store. Dang – kind of sad … that’s nearly 50,000 apps – man we need a life! Anyways, obviously there are a TON of those sleazy apps … which typically are male-orientated and feature scantily clad chicks with big boobies. Now for the most part … it is what it is … nothing to get your panties in a bundle about … basically Maxim meets the iPhone. But when we came across the new Bikini World app … we had to do a double-take and think …
“OH MY! – YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!”
Random – Tupac, Dead, Kick Ass, What App
The App Store is quickly approaching 50,000 applications (thanks in large to the Arctic Gerbil … but that’s another story). As the cliché goes … So Many KRAPPS – So Little Time. Thus we present quick KRAPPS or speed KRAPPS (like speed dating, but not – do people really speed date?) or just some of our random and pointless iPhone app observations.
We’ve been meaning to write an article about iPhone developer Khalid Shaikh (yes Khalid … we are watching you closely). Not quite the Arctic Gerbil … but a respectful KRAPPS developer in his own right. Anyways, Khalid has been releasing an extensive collection “Update” apps – Entertainment News Updates … Boston Weather Updates … St. Louis Rams Updates … Green Day Updates … and others. Fair enough … not a bad concept … but the irony of the app below has to make you laugh! (no clue? – click here)
Where do dead apps go? Is there an App Heaven or do they remain in the App Store as ghosts … haunting other apps and adding to the clutter of the App Store. Ghosts be gone!
And we is there an App Hell for naughty ones like Baby Shaker and I Am Rich?
We recently poked some fun at the Apple Profanity Filter … can’t use cuss words in your app’s description like –> C**CK-A-DOODLE-DOO. And based on the app below … the description cannot include the word A*S. However – if you are going to use the word ass in the app’s title … well that’s ok!
And finally … we recently received an email from the folks at Tweeller claiming they released a new iPhone app called Beer Opener – a virtual bottle opener. Sounds like a great idea, however we think Tweeller is full of shit! Their email also included a demonstration video of this so-called Beer Opener app. But no matter how many times we watched the video (trust us – we watched it HUNDREDS of times – for “research” purposes of course), we simply could not find this alleged app. So the question remains … App or No App? We’ll leave the final decision up to you. Check out the video below … we’re off to do more “research” on this mysterious Beer Opener app.
Sexy Wash – More Dirt For Your iPhone
The thing that sucks big time about the iPhone is it’s freaking touch screen. And no, we’re not talking about attempting to type on the keyboard … were talking about keeping the damn thing clean. Fingerprints, smudges, Cheetos tracks … blech – disgusting. Sure we could use a micro-fiber cloth and constantly wipe down our screen … but what a pain in the ass.
So we tried one of those screen cleaning apps … you know, the one where the cutesy little dog appears on your screen and licks it clean. It worked ok, but frankly, we are sick of seeing canine tongue splattered across our touch screen all day long.
Well Apple must know about our bitching and complaining because they recently approved the Sexy Screen Wash app. Now that’s what we’re talking about … SEX! Scantily clad women in a variety of fetish-themed outfits cleaning your screen – a thing of beauty … all hail the mighty iPhone.
Now we know of this sex washing concept from a movie-type app called iWash. But given Apple’s strict objectionable smut policy (LOL), we never imagined an Apple endorsed sex washer would appear in the App Store. So we’ll stop our whining about dirty touch screens because Sexy Screen Wash makes us happy again. Only problem is we sexy wash our screen all day … huh, huh, huh.
Oh – and more good news. With the approval of Sexy Screen Wash, it appears what was once objectionable content is now good times. The developers of sex wash, On The Go Girls, are heating up for their sexy video app – positioning it as “Party Girl Videos presents … Asian Spice”. Woohoo! Perhaps a sign of what’s coming shortly with Parental Controls in OS3 … or maybe just wishful thinking by On The Go Girls. All we know is nothing from Apple surprises us now.
Touch My Crotch
Ok, today we talk underwear. Are you a Boxer or Brief type of guy? Or maybe you are into those Boxer Briefs things? How about the ladies … Thong, G-String or Full Backs? Then there’s always the Boy Shorts option for the gals. Underwear = big business … sexy … super expensive if you indulge in La Perla. Simply put, underwear is fascinating stuff … heck, why else would so many folks walk around with their pants half way down their ass, exposing their choice of underwear for all the world to see?
Meet iPhone app developer Jake London. Apparently he, like most, has an underwear fetish. Maybe it’s because he discovered the Slide To Unlock iPhone tribute panties, iPanties … or maybe it’s because he’s seen one too many g-string riding out of those low cut jeans. But whatever the case may be, Jake decided to dedicate his time and programming talent to underwear with the release of Zips Lite. So follow closely … we’ll give you a brief tour (see what we did there?) of Zips.
Upon launching Zips, you are presented a CROTCH. Yes – a beautiful close up of a zippered jeans CROTCH. So the point is to touch the CROTCH with your finger, pull down the zipper and reveal the underwear behind the now un-zippered CROTCH.
And that’s it … brilliant, isn’t it? Jake is a genius and honestly, we feel blessed to have discovered such a hidden talent amongst iPhone developers. But Jake isn’t done … Zips Lite is just the beginning. He plans to offer a non-lite version which will allow the user to put any image behind the zipper. Oh that Jake is a sneaky one! Look at this mad man appealing to the commando lovers of the world … “nothing comes between me and my Calvins” … you go Jake!
(can you believe Brooke Shields was FIFTEEN in this commercial?!?)
Oh – and coming soon to an App Store near you … BUTTONS … slide your finger down the blouse to expose the bra underneath. And when Apple looses even more of its mind … UNDRESS ME … slide your finger to un-button and un-zip, then a flick motion to completely remove the article of clothing. You don’t think it’ll happen?!?! Haaa … you better start paying attention to KRAPPS!
The Science Of Sex
So there is this whole sub-category of KRAPPS that supposedly measure and detect things … Meter and Radar apps. Like the Douchemeter and Hot Radar apps we previously wrote about. Also stuff like … Hot Chick Meter … Ghost Radar … Love Meter … Pirate Radar … or Cool Meter. Not the most brilliant apps … certainly a novelty and good for about 137 seconds of entertainment.
But in these apps’ defense, they don’t claim to be the second coming of Koi Pond (uh, which is another subject … why is Koi Pond so freaking popular). These apps are pretty whack … but they know it … and don’t pretend to be as important as that Pope2You app (hey, it’s the Pope … that’s gotta be an important app … geez).
Well we came across a Meter app that is breaking the mold of this KRAPPS sub-category. We were actually quite floored at the research involved in producing such an application … it must have took years or clinical trials and various research methodologies to produce this next app … Sexy Meter Pro.
This is not your basic novelty Meter app. With Sexy Meter Pro, you can scientifically determine is your subject is REALLY sexy or not. And since this sexiness is determined scientifically … well then, there you have it … it’s TRUE. We at KRAPPS are simpletons … we don’t understand all this sexy science mumbo jumbo. So rather making a feeble attempt at describing the app and it’s technology … just read the Sexy Meter Pro description (pardon the English as a second language bit):
You see! We told you so! … “the true sexy meter … analyzing her photo … doesn’t generate random samples … score based on skin color, lip shape, eye contact … advanced algorithms will not disappoint you” … Heck, just look at the results screenshot below – the subject scored 82.3 points – HELLO! – 82.3 points! – Sexy Meter Pro nailed it!
Oh and trust us, developer Chen Li is NOT kidding about his instrument – he truly believes and knows that Sexy Meter Pro provides valid scientific results (just like OJ knows he didn’t kill his wife – LOL) … heck, dude is working on even better algorithms for his next update. Freaking genius!
But hey … not all devs can be such mensas. So memo to devs – Never Use The Words SEXY and ALGORITHM Together In An App Description … this science is way beyond your comprehension. Unless of course you are kidding – but you’re not – but we think you are - but your not – you are? – not! ARGH!! … sex and science, what a bunch of KRAPPS … not?
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