New App Can Fix Erectile Dysfunction (Why, God, Why)

Viagra-Light-Switch The flow of bullshit running through the App Store is seemingly endless …

Nine bucks buys you the Hair Clinic app. Simply hold the iPhone to your head for 10 minutes a day and the app delivers healthy and abundant hair. [BULLSHIT]

Think you could stand to lose a few pounds? Become a lean, mean, loving machine with the FatBurner2K app. Just stick the iPhone on your belly and it will literally shake away your fat molecules resulting in weight loss. [BULLSHIT]

The Less Cigarette app will magically change the flavor of your cigarette so it tastes like ass and help you quite smoking. [BULLSHIT] Thirteen bucks will heal your wart using the Wart Healer app … notice we said wart, as in one wart … additional wart healings can be purchased for $13 each via in-app purchase. [BULLSHIT]

And for the latest and greatest achievement … the iPhone can now fix ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION with the Fire Up Your Sex Drive app …  

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Yes sir – you heard it right … the iPhone now has the ability to deliver a healthy hard on … and it doesn’t even require the new iOS4. Per the app’s description … 

Just listen to the audio for 6 minutes everyday, and after 20 days your male sexuality will be enhanced for more than 85%! The effect is close to taking a viagra! 

Sound waves baby – it’s all about sound waves … (6 minutes a day) x (20 days) = 85% increased enhancement … hmmm, not a bad ROI indeed. LMAO … gotta love the outrageous claim –> The Effect Is Close To Taking A VIAGRA! Good thing Apple employees sat around with woodies as they tested and approved Fire Up Your Sex Drive.

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You might think the sound wave thing is all nonsense … but how can you doubt the validity of the developer’s claim with this sound explanation …

This application makes a kind of high frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your brain wave. It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone. This is a very healthy way without any side effect and you will not need the pills to destroy your body any more!

And if you’re still not convinced … Fire Up Your Sex Drive was tested on a large number of male users … the results were conclusive … 

About 580 men have tried this application, and the effective percentage is even more than 77%

So next time you are experiencing a sad penis … just remember … iPhone – The Quicker Pecker Upper. [BULLSHIT]

AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard Gives A Voice To Those Who Can’t Speak

Happy Friday! To celebrate the end of the work week, let’s break away from our traditional review of iPhone krapp and start the weekend off on a positive note. This next app is do good, feel good and all good … it’s a fantastic example of how iPhone technology can increase quality of life and make a positive impact on its users.

The AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99 for a limited time] is an augmentative and alternative communication application. Know as AAC, Wikipedia defines it as “communication for those with impairments or restrictions on the production or comprehension of spoken or written language.” AAC is technology at its finest … opening doors and lifting the spirits of non-verbal individuals.

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Typically AAC devices cost hundreds of dollar … so at a mere 99 cents, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is a ridiculous bargain and no wonder the #2 paid Medical application. And it gets better … the app is universal meaning it will run full-featured on the iPhone, iPod Touch AND the iPad … WOOT! 

Upon launching the app, the user is presented with 16 sideways scrollable (is that a word – is now) rows of picture buttons categorized by topic (medical, food, emotions, simple phrases, etc.) … resulting in hundreds of built-in audible phrases. The first row is for custom recordings … enabling the individual to program whatever they like. AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is well thought out and developer No Tie Software did a great job organizing the categories and identifying the most common phrases used on a daily basis for quick and convenient play.

 

Although released less than a week ago, No Tie Software has already updated the app with landscape support, choice of big or small buttons, premium and standard voice options, custom wallpaper and more. No Tie Software is no stranger to customer service … we featured them back in May 2009, highlighting their over-the-top customer support. So rest assured, this is not some fly by night developer … No Tie Software will continue to enhance the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard based on customer feedback.

Using the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard is extremely easy. There are three ways to speak via the app … 1) choose from the hundreds of built-in phrases in 16 categories … 2) program the top row of ten buttons to speak any custom message (your name, address, “Go Lakers”, etc.) … 3) type any message and have it spoken using text-to-speech technology.

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Uh yeah, we know what your thinking … this app could be quite entertaining for non-medical purposes. See a hot chick at a bar – use the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard to deliver a clever pickup line in a very original manner (thanks No Tie Software – you guys got us laid). Frequent places where foul language is frowned upon – let the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard do the cussing for you. The possibilities are endless.

But all shitting aside, the AutoVerbal Talking Soundboard [iTunes $0.99] is indeed an all good app … a beautiful technology enriching the lives of non-verbal individuals and their caretakers. Just read the user review below from a special education teacher who works with non-verbal autistic children … now this is what the revolutionary iPhone is really about!

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Help Me Poop – The iPhone’s First Laxative

All right, let’s get right to the point … being constipated sucks! You feel bloated, heavy, sluggish and generally uncomfortable. Hell, even worse, constipation can lead to hemorrhoids and a hernia – this is not all good!

So to promote regular bowel movements and maintaining your health, the brilliant minds at Thats A Girls Name Solutions (TAGn Solutions) have released the first iLaxitive …
Help Me Poop.

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Apparently research has shown that falling, crashing, splattering and plunking sounds loosen your stool and help you drop the kids off at the pool. Not really sure how we missed this nugget of wisdom, but it’s nice to know that Apple has our back with the approval of Help Me Poop. And at only 99 cents, think of all the money you’ll save by not having to buy prune juice, fiber or ex-lax … money that can be put towards the purchase of the iPhone 4.

So while your getting all excited about the aforementioned new iPhone … think about and be grateful for the iPhone’s crowning achievement – a healthy and happy ass!

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App Diagnoses Cauliflower-Shaped Bumps & Other Strange Growths On Your Genitals

[editor’s note: advanced apologies if you are reading this right before, during or immediately after a meal]

Remember the story about the iPhone saving some dude’s life? American film producer Dan Woolley was buried alive under a pile of rubble, after the massive earthquake that hit Haiti last January. Dan used the light from his iPhone to identify injuries to his leg and the Pocket First Aid & CPR app to treat head and leg wounds and managed shock. He survived being buried for 64 hours.

Impressive? MEH! … we’d like to see Dan get out of a real jam, like diagnosing cauliflower-shaped bumps on his penis.

Take this perfectly ordinary scenario … you’re out clubbing, it’s late, the beer goggles are in full effect, you wind up with some skank and have unprotected sex. Next morning, the sobering reality sets in … you had unprotected sex with some SKANK! What would MacGyver do?

Well remember folks … with over 250,000 available apps for the revolutionary iPhone, there’s sure to be an application for sluts like you … check out After Sex.

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After Sex is a health app dedicated to diagnosing unnatural growths on your penis or vagina. In the Symptom Checker section of the app, simply select the offending intruder (blisters, cauliflower bumps, round bumps or open sore) … then choose the color of discharge you are experiencing (white, yellow/green or dark/bloody) along with pain location (in buttocks, while urinating, in genitals, etc.) and type of discomfort (strong odor in urine, diarrhea, nausea, etc).

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Based on your symptoms, After Sex will return a list of possible sexually transmitted diseases (STD) … syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc … as well as the nearest clinic where you can seek further treatment. This info will supposedly make you feel better.

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After Sex is currently FREE … which is nice and all that, however do you really want to get to the point of even contemplating a download? Nah … live life by the wise KRAPPS saying … before you spank her – cover your wanker!

App Makes Cigarettes Taste Like Shit, Helps You Quit Smoking

Perhaps not as whack as the Wart Healer app we recently featured (now banned by Apple) which specializes in removing warts via a mental healer in Germany … Less Cigarette still rates pretty high on the Sack Of Suck scale.

The premise of Less Cigarette is pretty straightforward … launch app – place a cigarette on the iPhone for 30 seconds – smoke cigarette – it tastes like shit – and as a result, quit smoking.

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The voodoo behind Less Cigarette changing the flavor of your cigarette is based on some Eastern philosophy. We have no clue what it means or how to describe it, so just read the app’s ridonkulous description …

Less Cigarettes is designed based on the Eastern philosophy on compatibility and incompatibility of the Five Elements Theory. Another theory that forms the basis of Less Cigarette is the theory describing that the inherent vibration and frequency of each color affect people, animal, plant and objects.

 

The wavelength of the color that is incompatible with cigarettes works to emphasize the unpleasant taste of the cigarette, making it easier for you to stay away from smoking.

So what happens during those magical 30 seconds when the cigarette is on your iPhone with Less Cigarette running? The screen turns a multitude of colors … and it’s the wavelength of these colors that changes the cigarette’s flavor to ass. Sure it works … Apple tests every app for proper functionality prior to approval.   

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Look … maybe Eastern philosophers are onto something, but living in the United States, we’ve been programmed to believe there are only three certain things in life … death, taxes and double tap to kill a zombie. Yeah, shun the non-believer … but wavelengths making things taste like crap just doesn’t cut it with us … although the irony is that it did make Less Cigarettes KRAPPS.

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Genital Warts? This Amazing iPhone App Can Help!

Statistics show that nearly 85% of all people suffer from a wart at least once in their life. Warts are fugly, irritating and can be painful … especially genital warts, which are highly contagious. Additional details are way gross, so we’ll spare you the details, but simply put … warts suck!

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And getting rid of warts can be a bigger bitch than actually having them. You could try Compound W, burning them off with liquid nitrogen or with minor surgery. Not exactly pleasant remedies … yeah, warts suck!

Today we have great news about getting rid of those disgusting bumps … your iPhone can do it. Apple has approved the Wart Healer app … hooray! The secret behind Wart Healer is mental healing … we shit you not. Just read the app’s description below … “behind Wart Healer is a professional mental healer who specializes in long distance wart healing” (mental note – get new job as a long distance wart healer).

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WOW! For a mere $12.99 (a freaking bargain) … a long distance mental healer will get rid of your warts!

So you might be thinking … how does this long distance mental wart healing thing work? Glad you asked … because Wart Healer provides the answers. It has something to do with a spiritual level … the person’s energy … the moon’s decreasing phase … and a picture of the actual wart (don’t be embarrassed if you’re trying to heal a genital wart … Wart Healer is a professional service and your wanker will not appear on some fetish porn site).

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Now hopefully you read the above statement carefully. No need to freak out if your warts don’t fall off immediately … it can take up to 111 days (very precise numbers) until first effects are visible. 

Although Wart Healer is easy to use … it is imperative you follow the steps below (paying attention to the moon’s next decreasing phase) …

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So how do you like them long distance healers? Yeah … pretty awesome and not a joke either. Apple has approved and classified Wart Healer as a medical application, so obviously they tested it and Wart Healer works!

One thing to note however … the $12.99 purchase price includes the removal of one wart. If your friends call you “Lumpy”, additional warts can be removed via in-app purchase.

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Who would have ever thought the iPhone could cure warts. It’s so revolutionary that you can’t make this shit up. Thank you Mr. Jobs … you make our penises very happy.

We Are Growing Increasingly Uncomfortable With The iPad – Here’s Why …

<sorry, we had to go there … man-child mentality ON>

Menstrual cycle calendars for the iPhone (AuntFlo, FemDays, iRang, etc.) is one thing … but period trackers on the iPad take on a whole new meaning.

iPeriod For iPad … oh my – that’s a whole lot of feminine hygiene references going on in one iDevice for our comfort.

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And as one YouTube user review puts it, “I will never look at a women with an iPad on her lap the same. Thanks Apple!”

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</man-child mentality OFF>

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