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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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Crazy Frogs Jump For Their Lives – Dizzypad Game Review
(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)
Dizzypad [iTunes $0.99] by NimbleBit is yet another application I’ve been assigned to review that is anything but a krappy app. It’s actually kwite kool. If you’ve ever played Doodle Jump (or Spring Fling, another app I’ve recently reviewed), Dizzypad will feel somewhat familiar, but with an unknown and exciting aspect… timing your daredevil-like jumps.
You play this game as a frog (ribbit), hopping from one lilypad to another. Each time you miss and land in the water, you lose a life (because either frogs can’t swim or the water is infested with killer koi). But if you choose to take a risky jump, skipping over one lilypad and to the next, you’ll find that an extra life is added to your repository, allowing you one more screw up. You can really rack up extra lives by doing this, and greatly extend your session.
Now the timing comes in with the direction of your jump. Each lilypad you sit on spins around, one way or the other (hence the name … Dizzypad). There is an arrow, indicating which direction you will jump when you tap the screen (which is the only control, by the way). You have to time it perfectly to land on the next lilypad (or the one after that if you’re looking for extra lives).
This game isn’t incredibly fast-paced, but that doesn’t much take away from the excitement. I’ve seen my sidebar fill up with flowers (indicating lives left) after a few minutes, only to see each and every one of them deteriorate from a single jump that I, for whatever reason, cannot seem to land < bangs head against wall >.
I’ve spent a good bit of time with Dizzypad and it’s loads of fun … especially with the 15 unlockable frog skins and Plus+ awards and online leaderboards. But alas I have a single complaint … where are our power-ups? Without power-ups, Dizzypad is just the same thing no matter how far you progress into the game. Although there is not much variation, that’s not to say it gets old quickly … Dizzypad has loads of potential for future updates.
As it stands, Dizzypad [iTunes] is a load off fun and a cool take on the old-school Frogger game (meet Doodle Jump). 99 cents these days will not buy you much … but if you invest it in Dizzypad, you’ll receive a huge ROI in the entertainment category … ribbit!
Fart Smeller iPhone App – Enough Said
Oh my … the Fart Smeller iPhone app by Zambo Software … LMAO, where do we begin? Ah screw it … no need to steal the developer’s thunder … just read the app’s description:
***THE APP THAT SMELLS YOUR FART!***
[oh really … an app that smells your fart? what will they think of next?]
A Fart Smeller will be there when your farts are at the worse and no one else can bare to smell them!
Fart into the speaker in this app, then wait and receive feedback on how bad or good your fart smelled!
[hmmm … not only does Zambo Software want us to fart into our iPhone, but also pay them money for it?]
A Fart Smeller can take any kind of farts, even if it has the potential to be deadly! So let your fart rip!
And there you have it … your iPhone now has the capability to smell farts. Aside from the fact that this app is wrong on so many levels, our biggest concern is NOT that Apple approved Fart Smeller … but the fact they had to test it for proper functionality.
“Uh Richard … can you come here for a second? I’m reviewing this new app and need your assistance. Can you please bend over and fart into my iPhone?”
Get Your Shit Together Apple – Hooters App Approved, Banned, Re-Approved, Re-Banned
We reported in great detail Apple’s recent war on smut apps … over 5,000 “overtly sexual” applications removed, virtually shutting down the entire niche. Now any time you wipe out such a large number of targets, there’s bound to be some collateral damage. Innocent bystanders like the swimwear shopping application Simply Beach … the 12+ rated iPhone game Daisey Mae’s Alien Buffet … and the photo manipulation app Wobble … were all banned for having “overtly sexual” content. Only they did not. Apple realized their mistakes and quickly reinstated these offerings.
Which brings us to today’s “WTF Moment”, courtesy of Apple …
Hooters is an American restaurant chain that’s been around for about 30 years. Their specialties are chicken wings and attractive waitresses dressed in white tank tops and orange runner’s shorts. Like any savvy business, Hooters had a number of officially licensed iPhone applications available in the App Store.
On The Go Girls was one of the developers that partnered with Hooters and published the Hooters’ Calendar Sexy Screen Wash app. The app was released on January 21 and it quickly broke into the Top 100 of its category. So things were going great … until a month later, on February 18, D-Day for smut apps … Apple banned Hooters’ Calendar Sexy Screen Wash. In addition to their Hooters application, Apple removed all 50 applications from On The Go Girls … completely shutting them down and destroying their sole source of income.
But wait! Apple realized that removing the all-American Hooters app was a mistake … and a week later, on February 25, Hooters’ Calendar Sexy Screen Wash was re-approved for sale (with no change to its original content). Obviously a wise decision by Apple since the app skyrocketed into its category’s Top 25.
But wait! In typical bonehead fashion … less than two weeks later, Apple changed their mind once again and yesterday re-banned Hooters’ Calendar Sexy Screen Wash.
Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. Approved … Banned … Approved … Banned. Apple is acting like a neurotic pregnant woman. And why the re-ban? Allegedly Apple received numerous customer complaints about the Hooters app. LMAO … yeah, because Hooters Girls are so much more offensive than the ladies appearing in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit or Playboy applications (currently available for sale).
After the first ban, Fred Clarke, co-founder of On The Go Girls, stated in a New York Times interview (that Apple’s censorship), “goes farther than sexy content. For developers, how do you know you aren’t going to invest thousands into a business only to find out one day you’ve been cut off?”
Well Mr. Clarke probably should have taken his own advice. Speaking with him yesterday, he said, “We were reenergized when Apple reinstated our Hooters app and invested $5,000 for related development of the product line … only to be informed the app has been banned a second time. It’s a severe blow to our business, but we look forward to the challenge of succeeding in the App Store once again.”
Damn Fred! Is your glass always half-full? Are you always this happy-go-lucky? It’s ok to say it bro … repeat after us … FFFFUUU APPLE! Dude, not even the Double Jeopardy Clause in the US Constitution could save your ass from Apple. But then again, it should come as no surprise … this is Apple’s world, we just live in it.
[please note: while the above details the proceedings of the twice banned screen wash app … two other Hooters-themed applications have a similar saga – Hooters Calendar Girls Slideshow and 2010 Hooters Calendar Video.]
“This Is My Gift To All Current And Future iPhone Users” – Fart Dialer
If you follow us on Twitter, then you know that a good number of our tweets announce paid applications that have gone free for a limited time. We figure everyone loves a bargain and nothing beats a good free iPhone app. For example, we just tweeted three excellent iPhone games that are currently free: Fly-Flap [iTunes] was $0.99 … Sniper Strike [iTunes] was $1.99 … Mole – Quest For The Terracore Gem [iTunes] was $1.99. If interested, get these babies now as they’ll return to full price shortly.
On any given day, there are hundreds of paid apps which drop to the gratis level. And honestly, most of them suck. But that’s why we review every application price drop and only announce (tweet) the apps which are solid candidates for permanent residency on our iPhone. Think of us as your personal concierge … tweeting only the best app bargains.
Yesterday was huge in our daily free app treasure hunt. Rarely do we come across such a gem of high distinction and we were thrilled to share it with our followers. The app is regularly priced at 99 cents … but we got it for free … hurray for Fart Dialer!
Now when you think about the 3 billion fart applications available in the App Store … most of them are of the one-dimensional soundboard variety. Push a button, hear a fart … yipeee, puke! The beauty of Fart Dialer is … (get this) … when dialing a phone number, each number pressed is a unique fart sound. See … that’s why they call it Fart Dialer … it farts when you dial … WOW! And check this – in true Jerky Boys fashion, the thing actually dials the number … Fart Dialer works … WOW!
We spoke with Fart Dialer developer Mark Gurman regarding his inspiration for creating such a revolutionary app … “Isn’t it obvious? What could be better than a farting phone?”, said Mr. Gurman. “After seeing such ridiculous apps like Fart Piano, Farts With Push Notification, Fart Olympics and Bacon Farts, I realized the fart niche desperately needed a high quality application which would enhance the iPhone’s native functionality,” Mr. Gurman continued, “Fart Dialer is my gift to all current and future iPhone users.”
WOW! Beautiful words … excuse us while we wipe the tears from our eyes.
After hearing our enthusiasm for Fart Dialer, Mr. Gurman agreed to extend his offer. Fart Dialer will remain free for at least the next 24 hours … WOW! So hurry, don’t miss Mr. Gurman’s generous offer … download Fart Dialer for free! After all, it would be uncivilized to turn down a gift.
Determined To Bring Sexy Back, Developer Forced To Publish ‘I Love Burgers’ Fetish App
Besides eliminating 3% of all applications in the App Store, Apple’s removal of “overtly sexual” apps has had some interesting effects. For example, the remaining sexy apps benefited from a significant decrease in competition. The previously insignificant Swimsuit Calendar 2010 (not the Sports Illustrated version) saw its Lifestyle category ranking increase by 165 positions over the course of one week and is currently ranked 58th. FHM had a similar climb … up 144 spots in a week and is now the 10th most popular paid Lifestyle application.
Another effect of Apple’s massive rampage is the creativity and determination (desperation?) of developers attempting to bring sexy back into the App Store. We highlighted the cleaned up strip poker application … Poker vs. Strong Female Role Models … and the myCupcakes – myBuns euphemisms for tits and ass applications (which have now been banned). However, when it comes to arousing apps … it’s still slim pickings.
Slim pickings? – HA! Attention all you steamy content cravers … we have good news! Look there … there in the Lifestyle category … see it? The I Love Burgers application!
Oh yeah! Hundreds and hundreds of arousing pictures … women eating hamburgers! Indeed a glorious day in App Store history. Hot chicks, hot hamburgers, hot cheese … what can we say … it makes us hot!
Now granted, there is virtually no skin on display in I Love Burgers … but it’s Apple’s world, we just live in it. So take our advice fellow iPhone lovers … learn to lust the hamburger. Just look at these amazing hamburger pictures … so arousing, so racy, so sexy … uh, it’s so time to get an Android or become a monk.
Overtly Sexual Apps Return – Apple Fails To Enforce New Policy?
As we reported three weeks ago, Apple went on a massive rampage of sex-oriented app removals. Without any advance warning … Apple banned over 5,000 applications during the course of 72 hours. This sweep of the App Store is Apple’s most significant effort in their war on smut apps, resulting in hundreds of developers’ livelihoods taken away. Apple delivered a serious and clear message … applications that contain “overtly sexual” content will not be tolerated.
After making such a strong and well publicized anti-sex app statement, you would assume Apple would err on the side of caution regarding any future sex-oriented applications. But we should all be familiar with the whole “Ass” out of “U” and “Me” thing.
Just three weeks after 5,000 smut apps were banished, Apple approved the myCupcakes and myBuns applications (both paid and free versions of each), by Bangin Apps. And while cupcakes and buns might seem like wholesome subject matters, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the true meaning behind these code names … tits and ass.
Bangin Apps, is no stranger to the App Store. Prior to Apple’s change of smut policy, they enjoyed two highly successful releases … myBoobs and myBooty. Both apps were ranked in the Entertainment category’s Top 100 and positioned as flagship products.
In attempt to follow Apple’s new guidelines, Bangin Apps re-skinned myBoobs and myBooty with new names and preview screenshots. However the content of the apps remains the same … tits and ass. And wouldn’t you know it, Apple approved the four “overtly sexual” apps with no delays whatsoever. Like their predecessors, myCupcakes and myBuns are climbing the charts … with myCupcakes already in the Top 100 of its category.
We doubt Apple reversed their policy once again … allowing “overtly sexual” handbra and dental floss covered ass images. We emailed Bangin Apps and are waiting for a reply … how did myCupcakes and myBuns apps bust through Apple’s no smut policy? Since these applications do not store pictures in-app, rather content is delivered via a server … our guess is that at the time of review, Apple never saw any of the scantly clad female images which the app currently contains.
But come on … did Apple really think myCupcakes and myBuns would contain a bunch of pastry and cake images? As discussed, Apple should err on the side of caution … cupcakes and buns … DUH!
Recap: Week Of March 1 – plus App Star Awards 2nd Edition
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
March 1: Exclusive: Steve Jobs And Bill Gates Turn Guido!
March 2: Poker Vs. Strong Female Role Models App – Result Of Apple’s ‘Overtly Sexual’ Policy
March 3: Amazing Dirty Sex City Names For iPhone – Really, Really Bad (Names)
March 4: Star Walk App – Because Having The Entire Universe On Your iPhone Is Freakin’ Cool
March 5: Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz iPhone App – Why Didn’t We Think Of That?
March 6: Go Ask Alice: Alice’s Adventures – Rabbit Hole Of Death iPhone Game
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App Star Awards 2nd Edition
(aka – I Listen To Bands That Don’t Even Exist Yet)
Never mind the Oscars (da shame, snubbing The Hangover and Zombieland), we have some real awards news. Coming soon is the 2nd edition of the App Star Awards. What’s killer about these awards is that it’s totally unique … one-of-a-kind … different. Unlike other iPhone app awards, App Star Awards discovers and rewards brilliant upcoming apps … apps that don’t even exist yet (or at least not in the App Store). Like we said … totally unique – totally cool. Pay attention to the App Star Awards for valuable insights and previews of upcoming applications that promise to be awesome.
Any app can be included for consideration (just as long as it hasn’t been submitted to Apple by March 26 … and no jailbreak apps). Developers can already begin to pre-register their app(s) … while regular submissions begin March 21.
The App Star Awards 2 is partnering with 360iDev (one of the largest iPhone developer events in the United States) and winners will be announced on stage at the conference (April 12 in San Jose, CA).
This year’s App Star Awards should be way better than last year’s … mainly because we’ll be participating in the event – HA! Yeah, we’ll be part of the judging crew … checking out the 30 “final round” apps (which don’t even exist yet) and voting for our three faves … top three vote getters will be declared the winners.
Anyways … we’re totally stoked to be part of the App Star Awards festivities and looking forward to checking out some kick ass apps. Stay tuned to KRAPPS for App Star Awards updates … and for complete details, see the event’s site at http://appsfire.com/appstar2/ .
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