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Apple Preaches Safe Sexting, Approves Safe Sexting App
Sexting … ever heard of it? Meh, don’t worry. Just means you’re out of high school and don’t have a MySpace page. Basically kids these days are using their cell phones to take sexually explicit pictures of themselves and then sending them via text message (MMS) to their friends. Sex + Texting = Sexting. And it’s a fairly popular activity among teens. Just yesterday, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric reported that according to a recent Pew poll (no idea, google it), 30 percent of 17-year-olds have received a sext, while 15 percent of all teens have. LOL … freaking kids these days … so technologically advanced.
But sexting is no laughing matter. Sucks for you teenager when your nude images start appearing on Facebook and Twitter. Sucked even more for High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens … naked photos from her sext swept the Internet. And the ultimate suck – it’s a crime – possessing and distributing child pornography is a serious felony.
So in efforts to keep the kiddies free from sexting danger, a number of safe sext messages are being published. Inside the Actor’s Studio host James Lipton has released a practice safe sexting PSA video … … the National Crime Prevention Council issued a Sexting: How Parents Can Keep Their Kids Safe flyer … and of course, CollegeHumor.com released a NSFW safe sexting music video, including tips like blur your face and strategic cropping.
Not to be outdone, Apple has joined the safe sext movement. Perhaps they figured with the introduction of iPhone MMS, it’s the socially correct thing to do, approve Safe Sexting.
With Safe Sexting, perverted kids can now continue to enjoy texting naked pictures of themselves and as an added bonus … they’ll stay out of jail. Before your next sexting session, simply launch Safe Sexting … which will automatically open up a safe sexting camera with four options to censor you naughty bits: Small Box, Large Box, Head Box (for the introverts) and a teasing semi-transparent Red Silk. Take picture and safely send away.
Big up’s to Apple for providing children a safe method of sexting. However we’re actually not that impressed. If Apple can somehow transform the iPhone into a condom and tackle the larger safe sex issue … now that would be revolutionary!
Sex Position Calculates Optimal Shagging Positions, Includes Instructional Graphics
Is your sex life in a funk? Are your bedroom activities a bore? Do you find doing the nasty, literally, nasty?
Are you tired of the same old missionary position? Do you lay there like a dead fish? Are you daydreaming of the upcoming final season of Lost instead of focusing on the love making at hand?
Well no worries! iPhone to the rescue (was there even a doubt – this device can do anything), there’s an app for that …Sex Position (think of it as Pandora for banging).
With its screaming headline, “COME TOGETHER IN NEW WAYS FOR A BETTER LIFE!” (no pun intended with “screaming” and “come”, right? – hmmm, isn’t that a vodka shot with Bailey’s and Kahlua?) … Sex Position turns your iPhone into a virtual sex therapist.
Quite handy if you think about it … pictures and instructions that guide each partner in the position. And please sicko, get your mind out of the gutter … there is no cartoon or stick figure porn … graphics are to instruct and not to titillate – no sexy pictures (sorry, we were getting way to titillated by the faceless humping human glob images on display in iTunes and thus decided to censor).
And how genius is this … a Position Selector tool which allows you and your partner complete control of your shagging session! Just enter the desired Energy Level (movement in intercourse) from rabbit to sloth … then the Complexity Of The Position from Russian ballerina to so fat you have more rolls than a bakery … now enter Who’s On Top … then Freedom To Kiss, Touch, Hold, See Your Partner (you have other options besides a paper bag) … and finally, Comfort And Orgasm Strength from farting ant to freight train.
Your data is then electronically delivered to a MIT doctorate student for extensive data and statistical analysis …. bivariate associations, circumambulations, loglinear analysis, etc. After about five minutes of number crunching, the MIT student sends the resulting sex position back to your iPhone. Although some users have complained about a curb in spontaneity, the resulting sex position is typically worth the wait.
But just a word of caution! If that MIT mensa suggests the “Standing Tiger / Crouching Dragon” position … WATCH OUT! We tore knee ligaments attempting this maneuver and will only be able to select Woman On Top positions for the next 6 weeks.
Once Rejected Minipops App Is Now Approved With No Changes
Back in June, we published an article called “Further Proof Of Apple’s Idiotic Approval Process” which detailed the tribulations of accomplished Minipops artist Craig Robinson. Minipops … itsy bitsy teeny weenie pixilated renditions of famous people like Bill Cosby, Pope Benedict XVI, Tiger Woods, Beyonce, Fidel Castro, Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs and thousands more … they’ve all been minipopped (we just made that word up). Craig has three published Minipops books and his Obama Family Minipop will be included in an upcoming book about Michelle Obama. Craig Robinson is clearly a well respected individual in the art world – he does not suck.
So what happens when Craig turns his artwork into an iPhone app? … REJECTED! Why? … because Craig is an asshole … his app ridicules public figures and is in violation of Section 3.3.12 of the iPhone SDK Agreement which states, “applications must not contain any obscene, pornographic, offensive or defamatory content or materials of any kind … that in Apple’s reasonable judgment may be found objectionable by iPhone users.” Apple even attached a few of the offending Minipops for reference … the “approved for Michelle Obama book, but not for iPhone” Minipop of the Obama Family – the Alanis Morissette nude with a revealing one-pixel of bush – the offensive half-naked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So rather than screw with the integrity of his art by excluding a number of Minipops and re-submitting an incomplete representation of his work, a dejected Craig chose to move on with his life … leaving his Minipops app only in his dreams.
Flash-forward six months, Craig receives a surprising call from his techie buddy Matt …
Matt: dude, you know your minipops app?
Craig: minipops app? oh, that offensive thing … yeah, what about it?
Matt: apple approved it … it’s now available in the app store!
Craig: you’re a bitch … i told you i was not going to omit any of the rejected pics!
Matt: relax blowhard … i re-submitted minipops as-is … no changes!
Craig: then why did apple approve it this time?
Matt: no clue bro … no clue!
Sweet … 1,000 Minipops – killer UI – a “Guess Who?” game … and more. Currently on sale for only 99 cents [iTunes], Minipops is a solid deal, extremely entertaining and gives you the ability the carry a virtual pop art collection right on your iPhone … oh yeah … and plus you get that OFFENSIVE Obama family pic by asshole Craig.
So the moral of the story – if you submit an app for approval on a Tuesday and it’s rejected, simply re-submit unaltered on a Friday … chances are you will be approved. We know this advice sounds completely random, but so is Apple’s approval process.
Recap: Week Of December 14 – (plus KRAPPS Theme by iTito Designs)
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
December 14: Surviving A Midlife Crisis And A Bolivian Cult, iSlinky Springs Into The App Store
December 15: iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read
December 16: How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps <—don’t miss this one!
December 17: iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert
December 18: Official Three Wolf Moon App Brings Its Awesome Powers To The iPhone
December 19: When (8-bit) Dinosaurs Ruled the Land! – C64 For iPhone
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Big SHOUTS to our boy Tito (follow him @TheSkepticalGuy)! Dude has some mad skillz … creating really tight themes and wallpapers. There’s quite a variety to choose from over at his website iTito Designs, so be sure to check it out. A couple of our faves include Modern Warfare 2 and Homies.
Of course our #1 favorite is the KRAPPS Pro Theme which includes … more than 70 icons, Lockscreen (lovin’ how it’s kracked), SMS Landscape Theme and UISounds (if you need more icons, Tito says to email him your request at Thetuberesistance@yahoo.com and he’ll hook you up). You can download the KRAPPS Pro Theme at Tito’s website or Cydia. Do it … it’ll make you feel good!
When (8-bit) Dinosaurs Ruled the Land! – C64 For iPhone
(written by guest author Tim Giron. follow Tim on Twitter @timgiron)
Let us travel back in time, to an age when 64 KB of memory was all that was needed to be a real computer. The year was 1982 when Commodore International introduced the best-selling single personal computer model of all time, the Commodore 64. I got one a couple of years later, when I started college and found it beneficial to have a computer at home for CompSci homework (the labs were always packed during the decent hours). Coupled with a 300 baud modem and a dot matrix printer, this was a system that was ready for action! And it wasn’t all school work, oh no… The C=64 had some of the best games of the era: interactive fiction adventures like Zork, flying games like Choplifter and one of my personal faves, the fighting game Karateka.
And so it was with a sense of nostalgia that I dug into the C64 app by Manomio. Included with the app are 8 games: Dragons Den, Le Mans, International Basketball, International Soccer, International Tennis, Jupiter Lander, Arctic Shipwreck and Jack Attack. I only recalled two of these from "back in the day", so I fired up Dragons Den first. There are 2 different view modes for the games. In portrait mode, the playing screen is pretty small, but you get a clear view of the game controls (namely a joystick and fire button… that’s all we needed back then to have a good time). In landscape mode, the playing screen fills the space and the controls are invisibly overlaid.
After several minutes of riding around on a pegasus, I was ready to take the wheel of a formula one racer in Le Mans. In both of these, the gameplay is smooth and the music is appropriately retro. It shouldn’t surprise you that the games play well, the iPhone is much more powerful than the old hardware. For several of the other games, I had to look them up online to figure out the goal. While playing Jupiter Lander, my wife walked by and told me she remembered the game and although neither of us remembered Arctic Shipwreck, it was great fun to trample the people stranded on the ice floe with the woolly mammoth (not the "official" goal of the game, by the way).
Manomio has done a great job in preserving a grand old platform for a new generation. I fear that licensing will prevent some of the best games from showing up, but I did see that there will be new games (some free, some for in-app purchase) available in the next update (which should be approved next week): Bruce Lee, Laser Squad, Uridium, Paradroid, Druid, Kikstart, Cybernoid, Storm Lord and AlletKat.
At $4.99 [iTunes], C64 is priced appropriately for the entertainment value it provides to fans of the old-school.
Official Three Wolf Moon App Brings Its Awesome Powers To The iPhone
Never mind December 25, Christmas has arrived early! Specifically, December 17, as Santa delivered the official Three Wolf Moon iPhone app. Known as the Three Wolf Moon HowlTone Generator [iTunes], this is the be all and end all of iPhone applications. We’re talking some serious shit here! This is not an app you just download to your iPhone … NO … you place it in your soul! We almost spilled our gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk when we heard the awesome news and admittedly … we peed our pants in excitement.
No clue what we’re talking about? No wonder your life sucks. But that’s ok, we’re here to help and share with you the Three Wolf Moon phenomenon. Simply put … Three Wolf Moon is the best t-shirt ever. Actually, it’s not really a t-shirt, but a lifestyle. Wear Three Wolf Moon and you’ll possess great powers … women will find you irresistible, other men will fear you and you’ll enjoy magical healing powers. No joke … shun the non-believer. The Three Wolf Moon t-shirt is the top selling apparel item in Amazon.com … has been covered by ABC, BBC, NYT and other popular acronyms … worn by Steve Jobs … and appeared in NBC’s hit show, The Office – check out this awesome clip:
So for a mere $1.99, in addition to the life-changing powers and the totally cool Three Wolf Moon icon …. you’ll be able to generate your very own custom HowlTone ringtone by simply typing your name or any word into the generator. Or if you want to be like Dwight from The Office, you can record your own howl.
And staying consistent with the Three Wolf Moon mystique, these are not just any old wolf howls … these are authentic wolf howls from EverythingWolf, And these wolves have name … Wa-Ta-Chee, Ohoyo and Waya. How freaking insane is that!
We spoke with Michael McGloin, Creative/Licensing Director of The Mountain, the company that produces the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, regarding what inspired him to launch the accompanying app, ““I love my iPhone just as much as my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, which my wife won’t let me wear in public for the obvious reasons. By having the HowlTone Generator on my iPhone, I can enjoy the Three Wolf Moon powers in my pocket, where that type of power belongs (if your married),” explained Mr. McGloin. “Plus we value our customers. And ever since the first Amazon review indicated ‘wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark’, we wanted to deliver a 3WM Glow Shirt,” said Mr. McGloin.
Whoa … hold on … did Michael just say “glow-in-the-dark”?!? Shit, we just peed ourselves again. The new 3WM Glow Shirt will only be available for purchase from within the app and as an early adopter award, you’ll receive a 25% discount if you order by Feb. 28, 2010.
WOW! Howling custom ringtones – wolves named Wa-ta-chee, Ohoyo and Waya – a limited glow shirt – 25% discount. We are now completely soiled and can’t take it any more. At $1.99 [iTunes], just get the app … we’re going to go shower and change our pants.
iLust App Trains You To Be A Discreet Pervert
Back in July we ran an article called “For The Ladies – The ‘Stop Talking To My Breasts’ App” which featured the Man Trainer. The concept is simple … strap the iPhone to your guy’s head and every time he looks at your boobs, using accelerometer technology, Man Trainer emits a piercing warning scream.
[Editor’s note – yes, we are serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
Unfortunately, the Man Trainer article was not well received by our male viewers. Many accused us of tipping off their female counterparts and are now forced to wear the iPhone strap to their heads. Hmmm … we can see your point … guess that would suck. But relax perverts fellas, we have good news … some revenge … it’s called the iLust app.
So basically iLust trains the user to get away with checking out a girl’s rack – without looking like a pervert. It’s kind of like a flight simulator, but instead of controlling an airplane and landing it on a runway, you guide a virtual character’s eyes and land it on a hot chick’s breasts.
iLust is a low-brow game … naaaah! It’s a perfect way to build your mad pervert skills … because iLust doesn’t just simulate any old amateur scene where a 7-year-old can get away with scoping breasticles (like at a Hooters). Nope … in iLust, you’re at a party, seated between a smokin’ babe and her steroid-taking boyfriend. Talk about a pressure situation for poor ol’ perv!
This is you interest – how big is your lust for the bust? … yeah, how big is it? But being as her boyfriend has some large guns and a tattoo, you’ve got to ask yourself one question … do I feel lucky? … well, do you, punk?
[Editor’s note – yes, we being serious … sounds stupid, but the iLust app really does exist]
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