How To SUCK At Selling iPhone Apps

With the popularity of the iPhone growing exponentially, there are numerous thousands of developers  attempting to cash in on App Store gold. So being the do-gooders we are … we present a few examples of how NOT to sell your app.

Be A Douchebag (My Ex-Girlfriends app)

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Ah yes … Damon has a special talent … the ability to get hot chicks to undress for him while he takes their picture. Damon, you are our hero – the wind beneath our wings. However just as an fyi … it doesn’t count when you have to pay the girl to undress.

Be A Pothead (Zits & Giggles app)

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Working on your app while stoned leads to poor decisions. Like increasing the price of your app from 99 cents to sixteen dollars … to one hundred and eighty dollars … to two hundred and thirty dollars. Not really sure why the developers stopped at two thirty … perhaps they ran out of weed due to lagging app sales. Make wise choices – just say no.

Be A Hater (The Sushi Experience app)

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Look … if you’re an Android-loving, Apple-hating, mofo … just stay the hell away from the App Store. There’s no reason to be the most expensive book in the App Store … especially when your Amazon hardcover price is $26.40 and Kindle at $23.76. Yeah, let’s just stick it to that evil iPhone and its Cult of Mac a-holes and charge $70. Oh shit, it comes with a lap dance … our bad, a fair deal … carry on.

Be Blunt (+MyBattery app)

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Of course the sure fire way to kill sales is to stop beating around the bush and cut straight to the chase … Please Wait And Purchase Later … will do, enough said.

December 16, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, News | 21 Comments 

iTunes – Featuring Sexually Explicit Descriptions For All To Read

The folks at MountainDev have recently released six versions of the popular adolescent party game, Truth or Dare? However with provocative titles like “Dirty Truth Or Dare Drinking Edition”, “Two Girls Edition”, “Three Way Edition”, etc. … MountainDev is not interested in tapping the teenager market … only uninhibited sexually active adults need apply.

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The app’s description paints a pretty clear picture of what users will receive for their buck ninety nine … get naked, answer personal questions, and perform sexy deeds with your friends, lovers and secret admirers! And MountainDev throws out the ultimate adult truth or dare smack talk … they guarantee no other app will get you and your friends taking off each others clothes … faster than this app.

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Hmmm … fair enough … nothing like a little iPhone Viagra to spark a flame and get those sexual juices flowing. And perhaps some newly relaxed guidelines for developers … while Apple’s strict “No Nudity – No Pornography” is still in effect, sexually graphic and erotic topics in print format is 100% ok. Just check out these spicy eBook apps from Andrews UK Limited: Girl Fun – Adventures In Lesbian Loving … Spank Me … Whip Me … Ultimate Sex … Tie Me Up.

But what happens when graphic sexual language, guarded by Apple’s Frequent/Intense Sexual Content 17+ rating, leaks outside the app and into its public iTunes page? Apparently nothing.

From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Winter Break Edtion) app description:

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Kneel down and massage her inner thighs … uhhh, ok, but I’m 11-years-old.

From iTunes, the Dirty Truth Or Dare (Three Way Edition) app description:

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Go down on the other girl while he watches … hmmm, I don’t think this is the iCarly iTunes page I was looking for – time to google threeway.

From iTunes, Dirty Truth Or Dare (College Edition) app description:

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Upon reading the Dirty Truth Or Dare College Edition iTunes page, 9-year-old little Suzie had so many life altering questions: “Mommy, Mommy – do you give oral sex? what is oral sex?” … “Daddy, Daddy – I thought whip cream was for pumpkin pie. why do girls put it on their breasts? … “Mommy, Mommy – what does it mean to strip bare and go down on her in front of everyone.” … “Mommy, Daddy – I can’t wait to go to college, it sounds so fun!”

head_up_your_ass Hmmm … massaging inner thighs, threesomes, oral sex, licking whip cream off breasts, going down on some chick while others watch … are you shitting us – WTF is this, Penthouse Forum Letters? Nope,  it’s the freaking App Store, where ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages have access to the 100,000+ app descriptions. Sure Apple implemented parental control restrictions … and while it does attempt to prevent children from downloading inappropriate applications, it certainly doesn’t limit what children can read in descriptions. Time to pull your head out of your ass Apple! Less worries about  App Store redesigns and more worries about the inappropriate development of little Suzie’s sexual awareness … that’s what Gossip Girl is for.

December 15, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, Games, Lifestyle | Leave a Comment 

Surviving A Midlife Crisis And A Bolivian Cult, iSlinky Springs Into The App Store

It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
For Fun It’s A Wonderful Toy.
It’s Slinky. It’s Slinky.
It’s Fun For A Girl Or A Boy.

Original-Slinky-FINAL Launched in November 1945 at Gimbels department store in Philadelphia, the Slinky is a kickass toy. However, Slinky inventor, naval engineer Richard James, is not so kickass. In 1960, suffering from a midlife crisis, Richard decided to bail his wife, Betty, their six children and joined a Bolivian religious cult. Bastard Richard also left the Slinky toy company (James Industries) in total debt and ruin … WTF dude! Luckily Betty was kickass herself and not only saved the company, but expanded it to the tune of 300+ million Slinkys sold to date … although arguably, Betty’s greatest achievement was her Slinky Dog forever immortalized in Disney’s Toy Story movies (can’t wait for June 18, 2010 = Toy Story 3).

So what’s the deal with this helical spring toy and it’s crazy popularity? We searched high and low for the answer and found it in a t-shirt saying – “Some people are like Slinkys, they’re really good for nothing … but they bring a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”

And did you know the Slinky is the official toy of Apple? Sure, why not … go with it. Slinky + Escalator = Infinite Loop … ha! So it should come as no surprise, that this loveable, yet useless tradition is now available as the ultimate iPhone time waster … iSlinky.

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This virtual Slinky stuff totally makes sense. First it doesn’t tangle, so it won’t end up in the trash as a waste of money. Second … iSlinky is even perfect for those folks who live in one story homes. Plus if the iPhone can be home to such old-school classics as Pac Man, Asteroids, Galaga, Monopoly or Life … why not retro toys like the Slinky (or Silly Putty, Etch A Sketch, Mr. Potato Head, Pop Rocks, etc.)?

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Regrettably, Betty died in November 2008 (husband Richard passed away in 1974) … about one year shy of witnessing her magical spring toy go Objective-C on the iPhone. As noted, Betty was a badass business woman … saving the Slinky as her husband deserted her for some Bolivian nut-jobs. It was her business savvy and creativity that successfully expanded the Slinky line to include Slinky Jr., Neon Slinky, Crazy Slinky Eyes and more … so hopefully this marketing savant has time to give iSlinky two thumbs up when she’s not too busy using Richard as a Slinky  … down the Stairway to Heaven.

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December 14, 2009 | Filed Under Games | 3 Comments 

Recap: Week Of December 7 – plus doggie butthole covers?

iPhoneKRAPPS_FINAL In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.

December 7: This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode

December 8: Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App

December 9: Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success

December 10: Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!

December 11: Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone

December 12: Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming

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Our apologies! This next piece has nothing to do with the iPhone, rather it’s one of the most bizarre and disturbing items we’ve ever seen. Seriously, you need your head examined (and punched) if you purchase and use one of these things. It’s called “Rear Gear” … tagline is “No More Mr. Brown Eye” … all we can say is “WTF – they are SOLD OUT?” …

Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I’ve got them covered… Rear Gear is handmade in Portland, OR and offers a cheerful solution to be-rid your favorite pet’s un-manicured back side.

 

Rear Gear comes in many designs including a disco ball, air freshener, heart, flower, biohazard, smiley face, number one ribbon, cupcake, sheriff’s badge, dice, and you can even make yours custom, so there’s a Rear Gear for everyone.

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December 13, 2009 | Filed Under Recap | 8 Comments 

Despite Name, Mr. Dumb iChowdown Is Smart iPhone Gaming

(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)

When Mr. KRAPPS approached me to review another Mr. Dumb game, my immediate reaction was “sweet – another kickass Beavis and Butthead homage! ” In the last Mr. Dumb game I reviewed (Mr. Dumb: Toilet), your main goal was to keep urinals from overflowing and spilling all sorts of nastiness on the bathroom floor. This episode of  Mr. Dumb … iChowdown [iTunes $0.99] …  is a bit more involved as your objective is to feed Mr. Dumb … manually!

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You first start by creating and preparing Mr. Dumb’s meal. After a few seconds of this prep work, you begin the eating process … open Mr. Dumb’s mouth WIDE open and shove the tasty grind right into is pie hole.

So what’s next, you ask? Well, the answer is simple… dude can’t swallow the shit whole … you gotto chew, chew, chew. To make Mr. Dumb chew, you drag his chin up and down. Over and over again. Seriously, you are MANUALLY feeding this guy. I meant it when I said it.

Now be careful … some spicy foods will produce little fireballs halfway through the chewing process. When that happens, don’t panic … just chill by tapping the flare-ups a few times to extinguish them.

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Naturally, swallowing the food is next. You have to quickly drag your finger through different parts of the digestive system (think guts) to successfully swallow the masticated foodstuffs.

Mr. Dumb then takes a swig of cola. The cola generates carbonation bubbles in his throat which must be popped in a specific order since they are numbered. Actually this bit doesn’t make much sense to me … and I’m no Mr. Dumb … LOL.

After the cola swigging bubble popping segment … repeat and eat more tasty grind.

This game is a ton of fun. It might sound a bit repetitive, I know, but it’s kept me entertained for a gynormous amount of time.

Oh wait … he pukes. I mentioned the barfing, right? No? Hmmm … there is PUKING! Thing is, if you try and shove too much food down his throat, Mr. Dumb will throw it right back up in a green, gooey paste. Now maybe it’s just me, but at this point I could’ve sworn I smelled vomit spewing from my iDevice. Anyways … if you do get all out of control and make Mr. Dumb yak, you will forgo the points for that spewed food. Bummer.

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But wait … there is hope if you make Mr. Dumb blow chunks. You can prevent this by pushing the food back in his mouth. The ralphing starts happening in slow motion (doesn’t it always?), with the food sprouting up out of his mouth. If you push it all back to the center, you should be fine, but this is more challenging than it sounds. Just like in real life, once you start puking, it’s tough to make yourself stop. At this point, he may pass out … to save him, you must start slapping the crap out of him. This is probably my favorite part of the game … it’s very satisfying and zen-like. WHACK! – WHACK! – WHACK!

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I know KRAPPS normally focuses on the weird, offbeat apps — which this is, without a doubt, but iChowdown is perfect iPhone madness. It’s very well made, extremely polished, includes top-notch graphics and is one heckuv an entertaining game that will keep you coming back for more. I like to think of Mr. Dumb iChowdown as a Kuality KRAPP and a steal at only 99 cents.

There is one more episode of the Mr. Dumb triology … Mr. Dumb Go Down … which I hope Mr. KRAPPS plays it smart and hits me up for a review … if not, WHACK! (stay tuned)

 

December 12, 2009 | Filed Under anti-KRAPPS, Games, Guest Authors | 1 Comment 

Scary Santa Brings The Creepy Side Of Christmas To Your iPhone

‘Tis the season for holiday apps to make their annual downpour into the App Store. Not really sure how many Santa Tracker or Virtual Mistletoe offerings we need, but there are hundreds. And this year, a new treat from Apple – shit loads of sexy holiday apps … Sexy Christmas, Sexy Advent Calendar, Sexy Christmas Countdown and more. We totally anticipate Sexy Christmas Boobs to hit the App Store any day now … we’ll keep you abreast (see what we did there).

But despite the hundreds of holiday redundancies, we do have some festive cheer to share. We found an app that’s original, entertaining and brings the term “deeply disturbing” to a whole new level … Scary Santa.

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For your viewing horror, Scary Santa provides numerous images of that really creepy Christmas tradition … children sitting on a stranger’s lap. And because dude is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, it makes everything ok. Or does it? Scary Santa will have you thinking  otherwise … just look at those terrified faces!

Somebody send out an Amber Alert …

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Shut up you stupid little shit before I shove this ball down your throat …

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A common reaction when staring death in the eyes …

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Budget cuts force local mall to use a corpse …
(or Michael “Santa Claus” Jackson … could go numerous directions with this one … whitening skin – dead body – small children – etc.)

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As an aside, for additional psycho Santa awesomeness, be sure to check out the recently launched Sketchy Santas website. Some of the Scary Santas double as Sketchy Santas. Hopefully there is nothing sketchy about this practice (ha, we did it again). 

December 11, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment | 3 Comments 

Official Playboy App Approved, For The Articles Of Course!

playboy-ibod We’re willing to bet our left nut that Hugh Hefner is a member of the “Cult Of Mac” as Playboy has always been quick to embrace Apple’s emerging technologies. In 2004, Playboy introduced iBod … a set of specially formatted thumbnail images that could be uploaded to the newly introduced iPod Photo. A year later, in 2005, Bodcasts were launched … sort of like podcasts, but Playboy-style. When the iPhone debuted in 2007, Playboy once again led the bandwagon with iPlayboy … a collection of downloadable multimedia features all formatted for the iPhone. So while Playboy claims they attempt to align with the newest and hottest media platforms … we think it’s bullshit … Hef is simply a MacHEAD!

So with over 110,000 applications available, the App Store is Apple’s latest darling. And of course, Playboy is there to get a piece of her action. On Tuesday, December 8, the official Playboy iPhone app hopped into the App Store (see what we did there) at $1.99.

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The app is a scaled-down iPhone version of the largest selling men’s magazine, Playboy, and includes portions of the text from the following well known features … Playboy Interview, Playboy Advisor, 20 Questions, Party Jokes, Fashion and more.

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And to answer the question on everyone’s mind … yes, the Playboy app delivers monthly doses of air-brushed goodness … the Playmate Of The Month. Now before you get all hot and bothered, time for a reality check … Apple does NOT allow nudity in the App Store. So with that barrier firmly in place, the application includes the Playmate’s intro, data sheet, preview pictures and exclusive behind the scenes preview video. We spoke with Playboy spokesperson Theresa Hennessey who explained, “The pictures are all non-nude or cropped, either from the magazine pictorial or from the Playmate’s Playboy.com pictorial.”

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In addition to the monthly features pulled from the magazine, the Playboy app contains exclusive content as the aforementioned Playmate video, Playmate photographs and Rabbit Head wallpaper … all designed and only available in the app.

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Playboy’s app pricing resembles a monthly magazine subscription. “The Playboy app is priced at $1.99” Hennessey said, “and until the next update, will include both the November and December issues. Future issues will be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 each. For those users who missed any of the past issues, they will also be available via in-app purchase at $1.99 per month.”

playboy-app-icon Whoa, whoa, whoa … did Hennessey say the November issue of Playboy is now available in the app? The historic November 2009 issue with the first ever cartoon character, Marge Simpson, featured on the front cover of Playboy? Hells yeah … we are there! A buck ninety nine for this piece of history is a bargain … not to mention we’ll be able to proudly display the sexy cool bent ear Rabbit Head icon on our iPhone … which will match our bent ear Rabbit Head necklace, ring, t-shirt, underwear, wallet and coffee mug … cuz that’s how we roll. Thanks Hef … you complete us!

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December 10, 2009 | Filed Under Entertainment, News | 4 Comments 

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