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- Here’s To The Crazy Ones
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- Adventure, To The Max! [iPhone Game Review]
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- Recap Week Of January 3
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Sad – Beautiful Boobs & Pocket Girlfriend Score App Store Success
Yesterday we came across a horrid scene in the App Store. It was like a car accident unfolding before our eyes … impossible to look away. For the sake of our sanity, we should’ve just moved along … but no, we’re idiots and had to stop and stare. Below is what we’re talking about. Please take a quick peek, then look away! It’s for your own good.
Did you see it? Look again – but quick! WTF is that? The #2 free app in the ENTIRE App Store is Beautiful Boobs … the #2 paid app in the ENTIRE App Store is Pocket Girlfriend. Go ahead, pinch yourself … you’re awake but trapped in a nightmare on App Street.
So let’s take a closer look at these App Store all-stars and see exactly why they are now included among the best of the best.
#2 Free App – Beautiful Boobs
Ok, this doesn’t look too bad. We got an intriguing title … one can never have enough “stunningly pretty images” … you can’t beat the price (free) … “gorgeous and fun photo collection” is better than hideous and boring. But wait … why the hate? Over thirty three flipping thousand user ratings and only 1½ stars? Pop the hood, let’s take a look inside:
Three thumbnail screens with a total of seven pictures
When the seven thumbnails are launched full-sized, they still look like thumbnails
Five out of the seven sets of boobs are arguably man boobs
Damn … no wonder the Beautiful Boobs user below feels cheated and scared. Dude would rather be licking a hobo’s foot than checking out the app’s creeper guys wearing bras. Get this poor kid a Sears Catalog which will surely arouse more than Beautiful Boobs.
#2 Paid App – Pocket Girlfriend
Hmmm … a girlfriend who lives in your pocket. Good idea … low maintenance and easy on the wallet. Oh and check it … no still photos … SHE’S REAL!!! – SHE’S REALL!!! … she’s so real that the developer had to tell us twice. Plus she talks and listens to you … she even misses you when you’re away …. what a sweetheart, we love her already.
And she has over five thousand ratings amounting to a measly two stars. Yikes! Maybe she has a venereal disease or something since she’s obviously been downloaded by a lot of users. Good thing there is an objective description from a real live objective Pocket Girlfriend user.
Freaking liars … she’s NOT real … she’s a short video clip. Meh … and the worst part … when you talk to her type “show me your boobs”, she replies … “buy me a boob job!” LMAO … touché bitch. Actually, if you are that hard up, we suggest you skip the boob job purchase and buy a hooker real girl, preferably one with a heart beat.
Sixth Generation Wizard Develops Spellcasting App
Do you like to travel? Yeah, that’s what we figured … most folks do … especially since the majority of travel plans involve a vacation. We’re oppo … we hate traveling – traveling sucks! Just think of all the bad things that can take place while you’re away from home … lost luggage, canceled flights, getting sick in a strange country, getting arrested on false charges … there’s a lot of scary shit that can happen. So screw it – we don’t travel – we stay home and play video games, it’s safer this way.
Look, don’t get us wrong … we’re not opposed to traveling … we just wish there would be some sort of protection. And not like trip or life insurance … like something that could sense the bad stuff that could happen while we travel and protect us from it. We guess what we’re saying is that we want magic … a super magic spell to safeguard us while traveling.
Now it can’t just be any old protection spell (ordinary magic spells blow chunks) … it should be one that’s totally genuine, magical and powerful. Thinking a protection spell developed by the sixth generation wizard Charodan would be freaking awesome. Charodan is a bad ass and his spells totally rock. Oh and one final requirement … the protection spell needs to be developed specifically for use on an iPhone (sure, why not). This condition is probably tricky, but like we said, Charodan is the master so he could totally handle it.
Huh? Did we hear something from the peanut gallery … “you’re an idiot KRAPPS!” – “KRAPPS is drunk” – “wizards and magical spells, haaa, KRAPPS really is a nut job.”
Well here’s our answer to you bitch … Shun The Non-Believer – SHUUUUN – SHUUUUN – shun. It’s all true Doubting Thomas and there’s an app to prove it … Travel Spell.
Once downloaded to your revolutionary iPhone, casting a magic travel spell is a breeze …
Gotta love the user friendliness of the iPhone … “flick the iPhone forward a couple of times” … wow it’s so easy to transform your iPhone into a real live magic wand!
So how do you like them apples – “you will feel completely at ease, because you will be looked after by magic … you can cast your spell any time, you can use it again and again, it lasts forever”. Shun the non-believer … shuuuun, shuuuun, shun!
And if you’re looking for some help in the Luck, Love, Protection, Victory and Confidence categories … Travel Spell creators, Magic Spells Now, have you covered with those magic spell apps as well. All these for a bargain price of $1.99 each. WTH – SHUUUUN!
This App Is So Cute It’ll Make Your Head Explode
Say you’re having a really bad day and want your head to explode … putting you out of your misery. Or perhaps you are a Visitor (by the way, great TV series, “V”), captured by the opposing force, the Fifth Column. You have no choice but to blow your head up and keep the V’s agenda safe.
Well good news! With the help of a new iPhone app, you can end your sorry state within approximately 30 seconds. Go ahead and watch the demo video below … we cut it a few seconds short of 30 in efforts to preserve our viewing population.
GOOD LORD – what is this complete and utter chaos?!? Well it’s the 30 Kittens Per Second app … an accurate title, because you literally see thirty kittens per second flash across your iPhone screen. 10 seconds = 300 kittens … 30 seconds = 900 kittens. Oh how sweet!
Look, we get it. Kittens are sooo cute (OMG … hahaha … <3 kitties) and cats are the big trend these days (especially those Lolcats) … but if you think staring into a strobe light of kitties is awesome, you are one sandwich short of a picnic.
“This app will make cat lovers smile and may cause uncontrollable joy”
Uh no … this app will make people vomit and may cause uncontrollable seizures. The creators of 30 Kittens Per Second claim “cute just got a whole lot faster.” However we’re thinking 30 Kittens Per Second is better served as a torture device … so cute it’ll make your head explode … yikes!
Recap: Week Of November 30
In case you missed any of our perfect iPhone chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 30: SmackDat – An Intimate iPhone Encounter
December 1: Santa Goes On a Killing Spree In Trigger Happy Christmas
December 2: Screw Prozac! This Cleavage Mania App Guarantees Happiness
December 3: Tiger Woods Scandal – The iPhone Plays An Integral Role
December 4: Look At Me! I’m A Unicorn! – You Can Be One Too With Younicorn
December 5: I’ll Have a Blue(tooth) Christmas (SuDoKu)
I’ll Have a Blue(tooth) Christmas (SuDoKu)
Thanks to 99Games, it’s Christmas time in the land of SuDoKu, where the familiar numbers have been replaced with icons of the festive season (the numbers are still available for you ScroogeDoKus out there). In Christmas SuDoKu [iTunes $1.99], the change to pictures adds some challenge since it is much easier to determine which number is missing in a series, whereas figuring out that the Candy Cane or the Gingerbread Man is the item you’re missing takes a little more time. Gameplay is straightforward SuDoKu; Santa flies overhead and sprinkles some items onto the board to start you off (how many is based on the difficulty level) and you then have to figure out where the rest go according to three simple rules: an item may only appear once in each row, column and nine slot grouping.
If you’re a SuDoKu novice, you can earn a few hints which can be redeemed to place a random item on the board and also consult the suggestions for each open spot. Holiday music plays in the background (this can thankfully be turned off after it has worn out its welcome).
But, what’s that you say? You want to challenge a friend who is in the same room? The game has you covered with the somewhat strangely named "Tug-a-friend", which allows you to play against someone over bluetooth. I unwisely challenged my wife, who is like a 9th degree SuDoKu black belt. The only time I beat her was when she left the room for a few minutes and I feverishly kept at the puzzle while she was gone (yes, in many cultures this would be considered cheating).
After you’ve exhausted the SuDoKu portions of the app, you will probably say to yourself "I am in such a festive mood, I wish I could send someone a little e-postcard letting them know just how great this game is." Again, the game has you covered with the somewhat less strangely named "Hug-a-friend". You can build a nice little scene of a decorated tree and then send it to your friend (or you can build the kind of minimalist scene that I did, entitled Frosty Balls).
If you like SuDoKu, you’ll also like this variant. If you’ve never played SuDoKu before, this app is a good introduction.
Look At Me! I’m A Unicorn! – You Can Be One Too With Younicorn
We think it’s safe to assume that everyone loves unicorns. Why? Uh … because unicorns are awesome! They’re magical, they have shimmering hair, they come in pretty colors like pink and purple and also fart rainbows and glitter. Plus Charlie is a unicorn, he visits Candy Mountain and he totally rocks. Just think how much cooler you would look if you were riding a unicorn … pretty sweet, eh? Screw that … just think how much cooler you would be if you were a unicorn!
Well think no more – just do it with the indispensable new iPhone app …Younicorn … and we agree, it will “make everyday magical” by turning any photo into a unicorn.
For some reason, Oprah is immensely popular … however we just don’t get it. Now if she had a long, pointy horn growing out of her head, we’d hit that … three times!
Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin, sorta turned him into a unicorn. Yeah Tiger, you wish you had an awesome horn sticking out of your skull instead of a 3-iron.
Many folks think Steve Jobs is God. Meh – he ain’t shit compared to Steve the Unicorn.
Oh great, those obnoxious over-the-top parents will just love this … Younicorn your ultrasound. Shhh, don’t tell them, they suck enough without sticking their fetus with a bright and shiny object.
And speaking of unicorns, be sure to check out the internet phenomena … Charlie The Unicorn (waiting for that app) … a video series about the adventures of Charlie and his two obnoxious oddball unicorn friends. Some may find it disturbing – but we sleep in Charlie The Unicorn pajamas (which itself is disturbing, but that’s not the point).
Tiger Woods Scandal – The iPhone Plays An Integral Role
Yesterday the world’s first billion-dollar-athlete, Tiger Woods, issued a statement on his web site that pretty much confirmed what TMZ (and every other tabloid media) has been reporting since Thanksgiving … dude cheated on his wife.
And while TMZ continues to run down every angle of the Tiger drama (Tiger’s wife confronted alleged mistress, Tiger leaves voicemail – “my wife is onto us”, 31-month affair, etc), we bring you the iPhone-side of the Woods saga.
The day started quite normal … Tiger woke up, kissed his wife good morning, took a leak, grabbed a cup of coffee and fired up a new iPhone app he downloaded last night …
Angel Or Devil? – the app which plans your day as being naughty or nice.
Tiger was feeling a bit mischievous that morning and selected the Devil Card. And so the devilish affair with Jaimee Grubbs began.
But Tiger’s wife, Elin, is no dumbass. She also owns an iPhone and when she began noticing suspicious behavior by her husband, she launched the sexist Is He Cheating? app to find out if Tiger was using his utility club on anyone else’s golf course (so to speak). Disturbingly the meter read … are you in denial?
The rest of the story has been well documented. Tiger crashes his Cadillac Escalade … Elin smashes car window and rescues Tiger … Tiger ends up in the hospital …police investigations … and the aforementioned admission of wrongdoings.
So now it’s time for the Woods family to heal. And of course the iPhone is there to help through these troubled times. Tiger will use the Confess app to anonymously confess your sins to the world and makes his life better … as the app states, “it is a proven fact that confessing will make your life better.” Once finished with Confess, Tiger will “correct a wrong and gain forgiveness from a person who is wronged” with the Repentance app.
Of course it ain’t that simple … per the Heaven And Hell app, Tiger has some more work to do. Start with the Singing Bowl And Prayer app and mix in the
A Good Deed A Day app (“helps you to become a better person” ) and Tiger will be back on the road to salvation (just don’t crash into a fire hydrant this time dude) in no time.
We know it won’t be easy, but it’s important for Elin to let go of those negative emotions she has towards Tiger. By letting go, she will regain peace, happiness and a strong loving relationship with her husband. This healing process should be constructive, healthy and safe … which is why the FaceFighter app is just what the doctor ordered … Elin will certainly heal better by beating the shit out of a virtual Tiger.
[that’s it … move along … nothing more to see here … we used FaceFighter as the punchline of this article … pun totally intended]
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