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A Homeless Transvestite Keeps The App Store Weird
You know the iPhone is kicking ass and taking names when every celebrity and their mother have a dedicated app. Just last week … pop star turned super mom (?), Britney Spears, released her “It’s Britney” app. The God among men, David Hasselhoff, gives Hoffilicious advice with his “Ask The Hoff” app. Download “I Am T-Pain” and you will be rapper T-Pain. Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, Lady Gaga, Lance Armstrong … heck, even Pope Benedict XVI endorses an iPhone app.
But all these celebrity apps pale in comparison to the most epic celebrity app ever know to mankind … iLeslie.
What could be greater than having 24/7 access to Leslie Cochran? Reading iLeslie’s description makes our knees wobble … pure exhilaration:
The iLeslie application is a select collection of funny short sayings by Leslie as well as two longer interviews with a special message from Leslie.
Be still my beating heart – WOW! Short sayings and a special message from Leslie for only $4.99 … uh, bargain of the millennium, hello!
Whoa, whoa, whoa … what did you say? “Who is Leslie Cochran and why should I care?” Dude, come on … let’s go! Here … read the iLeslie app description and become enlightened …
Hailing from the capital of Texas, world headquarters of Dell Inc., home of the University of Texas Longhorns … a homeless transvestite who catapulted him/herself into stardom. And now his/her crowning achievement (fitting, eh?) … Leslie’s own iPhone app. LOL … screw Britney – what’s the point of being T-Pain – Pope Shmope … homeless transvestite dude is the only celebrity app your iPhone will ever need.
And bless you Austin, Texas … with your slogan of “Keep Austin Weird” … exactly the kind of inspiration the App Store needs. Hmmm, come to think of it … a bangin new Apple slogan – “Keep The App Store Weird”.
“Boobs” – The App Store’s New Buzzword
We see a lot of crappy apps … hence our name. But on the flip side, we know which apps work. Obviously besides having a solid idea (like the app which makes your iPhone blow air), your app must be positioned properly with an intriguing name and description. Without these key marketing elements, chances are consumers will pass right over your app and move on to one of the other 99,999 offerings.
For example, the “HiCalc Winner Of Best Calculator In The 2007 PPC Magazine Awards” app clearly is a name fail … an app’s title should be clear and concise, no need to hand out awards. Or the classic “Get You A Chinese Name And Beautiful Handwritten Signature” app … sucks when developers suffer from dyslexia and use the app’s description as a title.
But even though there are numerous title bloopers in the App Store, lately we’ve seen some brilliant examples of effective names. We’d like to share a few of these gems with you. First off … the Big Boobs app.
As we stated, an app’s name should be clear and concise. Two words – “Big” and “Boobs” … just perfect – app title nirvana. Heck, with a name like that, who needs a description.
Seems it would be tough to top Big Boobs … but indeed there is a name that is more epic than Big Boobs … the Epic Boobs app.
Now Epic Boobs is an interesting case study. First launched as Epic Bosoms, the app was unsuccessful in attracing enough male eyeballs (go figure). A focus group was conducted and it was determined that the word “bosoms” just seemed to motherly … in a breastfeeding type of way. Qualitative research suggested replacing the word “Bosoms” with “Boob” and the rest is history. And as an extra precautionary measure … the Epic Boobs’ description really drives the point home – “This is an amazing collection of only the most awesome sets of females breasts” … yup, crystal clear.
Of course it’s common knowledge that two sets of boobs are better than one. And to win the boob volume prize, one must think outside the box … like the Boobs² app.
Just look at that description … “A colossal photo collection of only the best, fullest and largest sets of female breasts” … it’s pure business genius. However Boobs² has left the door wide open for competition … quick, someone and release Boobs∞.
Finally, please note … although it may seem that in order to create a legendary iPhone app, one must include the word “boobs” in the title. This is certainly not a prerequisite … as the Adult Boobs And Butts app clearly proves boobs are not the only thing that attract attention. And yes, this is 100% legal … these are ADULT boobs and ass (in case there was any confusion).
Virtual Girlfriend App Sleeps With You – Literally!
Today we’re discussing a sad subject … loneliness. For most people, being alone sucks. Heck just listen to Akon cry us a freaking river in his worldwide hit single “Lonely” off his debut album Trouble …
“Lonely, I’m so lonely – I have nobody to call my own … I woke up in the middle of the night – And noticed my girl wasn’t by my side … Lonely so lonely – I’m Mr. Lonely … I have nobody – So lonely, Mr. Lonely”
Ok people, we get it … many of you are LONLEY. Boo-F*CKING-Hoo! Make a choice … continue to wallow in your sorrows by listening to Country music (perfect as every song is about being drunk, depressed and lonely) … or suck it up and get an iPhone. Yup, with the revolutionary iPhone, Akron and all you other Mister Lonely’s, will never have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night and not finding your girl by your side. App Store brilliance continues with … Mega Girlfriend Sleep With Me.
See that – if you’re feeling lonely … or would like to be with someone at bedtime … or having trouble falling asleep by yourself … Mega Girlfriend can help! Just prop up a pillow next to you, launch the Mega Girlfriend app and place her by your side. And as the app describes … you can then watch this creepy beautiful girl breathing gently in her sleep – very calm and peaceful.
And if you think about it … Mega Girlfriend totally makes sense. You don’t have to worry about her snoring … or kicking you in the middle of the night … or hogging the blanket. She is the ultimate in sleeping companions. Of course you should be careful not to roll over, you might kill her. But isn’t that small risk worth the mega rewards … as Mega Girlfriend guarantees “you will not feel alone anymore” and ”you will fall asleep with a smile on your face.” Hells yeah it’s worth it … and who knows what she’ll do as the developers continue to update the app. Mega Girlfriend = Mega Awesome … we are in love!
Recap: Week Of November 16
In case you missed any of our chaos, quick links to this week’s articles.
November 16: iBooB – More Boob, Less Face Please
November 17: OMG, The Official Britney Spears iPhone App, OMG
November 18: The iPhone Blows! – No Seriously, It Does
November 19: Balloon Boy Lands In App Store – This Is Not A Hoax
November 20: New iPhone App Talks Dirty, Turns You On With Fruit
November 21: Mr. Dumb Toilet – A Worthy Beavis And Butthead Homage
Mr. Dumb Toilet – A Worthy Beavis And Butthead Homage
(written by guest author Connor Coghlan. follow Connor on Twitter @Condawg)
“I am the Great Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!” – Beavis
“Shut up fartknocker!” – Butthead
“FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!” – Beavis
“Calm down Beavis. You’re gonna soil your drawers.” – Butthead
“Skulls are cool.” – Butthead
LMAO … who doesn’t love Beavis and Butthead? I grew up on that shit and seeing the
Mr. Dumb: Toilet iPhone game (by ZenuxLab) this heavily inspired by Mike Judge’s amazing characters truly strikes an awesome chord in me. Mr. Dumb: Toilet had me at “hello bunghole” … I fell in love from the moment I laid eyes on it.
The gameplay in Mr. Dumb: Toilet is simple, yet polished … make sure the urinals keep flowing properly or they will flood the entire bathroom. Disgusting roaches run wild and you have to squish them. If you miss a roach, they go behind a urinal and it becomes temporarily out of service. To make sure the urinals keep running and don’t overflow, you have to press the flush button whenever they stop.
There’s also some douchebag (I assume he’s some steroid abusing security guy) who keeps throwing trashcans at you … WTH dicknose! You’ve gotta avoid the flying cans or game over. Doing my best Beavis and Butthead slacker impersonation, I didn’t feel like reading instructions and totally skipped over them. This caused me to keep dying repeatedly … so let’s be 100% clear …. TRASH CANS – THEY ARE BAD.
Anyhow, this game is freaking fun so be very careful not to soil your drawers. I find myself playing it in small spurts and just loving the non-suck homage to Beavis and Butthead.
Mr, Dumb: Toilet [iTunes $0.99] is definitely worth a look, whether you are a Beavis and Butthead fan or not … for sure!
New iPhone App Talks Dirty, Turns You On With Fruit
Please listen carefully to the following (yeah, we know you’re reading this – just go with it): “Plum” … “Strawberry” … “Lime”.
So, how do you feel? You’re turned on, aren’t you? Come on … admit it! Hearing those fruit names ignites your flames of passion and desire from deep within. “STRAWBERRY” … damn that’s sexy fine (we all better take a cold shower)!
LMAO. Similar to our Sexy Alphabet iPhone app article, in which the 26 letters of the alphabet are spoken by a professional voice model in a sexual and sophisticated way, now appearing in the App Store … Sexy Fruit.
Sexy Fruit boasts the services of “the devilishly sexy professional voice talent of Debrah Massi!!” Who we bet is really a guy … just like those dudes on 1-900-SEXY-PHONE-CHAT … no offense David Debrah, but mix-in a little Jenna Jameson and we might bite (see what we did there?). Users can choose from 20 different fruit names and hear David Debrah speak in “the sexiest voice you’ve ever heard” … turning their iPhones into a healthy, low calorie aphrodisiac.
Folks, keep an eye on Sexy Fruit developer Lowell Duke. We really feel he’s an up and coming talent and has stumbled upon a goldmine. With the assistance of David Debrah, just think about the endless sexy possibilities … Sexy Countries app – “Mexico”, “Croatia”, “Japan” (oh that’s sooo good) … Sexy Colors app – “Violet”, “Green”, “Blue” (mmm, yeah baby) …. Sexy Days Of The Week app – “Tuesday”, “Saturday” (yes, yes, yes) … and of course, stirring up visions of the carrot scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High (didn’t see it? – go rent the movie now!) … Sexy Vegetables.
Balloon Boy Lands In App Store – This Is Not A Hoax
We are sick (but you probably already knew that)! Last month, as we joined the millions of people watching the Balloon Boy stunt unfold, we kept thinking … “man this would make an awesome iPhone app”. Just think about it … Balloon Boy’s Revenge. A Bully Beatdown of sorts … where users come to the aid of Balloon Boy, Falcon Heene, and slap the shit out of his publicity whoring parents.
Well our twisted dream almost came true with the release of Balloon Boys from Mosa Motion Graphics.
With the Balloon Boys app, users can create their own Balloon Boy-themed hoax by inserting a selection of silver balloons and flying figurines into photos taken from the in-app’s camera or iPhone camera roll. Heck … you could probably create your own media frenzy by emailing your Balloon Boy sighting mash-up to the press … we’re sure they’ll love you for it.
Now granted, Balloon Boys is much tamer than the crap-kicking version of what we envisioned (and what the parents deserve), however the app is an excellent tribute to an event that’s sure to become a classic American folk-tale.
Oh and as an fyi … on November 13, douchebags Richard and Mayumi Heene (Balloon Boy’s parents) pled guilty to “false reporting to authorities” and “attempting to influence a public servant”. All the more reason the iPhone really does need a “Slap The Shit Out Of Balloon Boy’s Parents” app.
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